Sunday, May 25, 2008

Switching to Intravenous Diet Coke

I have a half-written post from Thursday about the graduating student's dinner and how much I don't want to leave Chicago, but the events of the past few days require me to write (whine) about something else first. It all began Friday morning when my baby morphed from sometime demon-baby to full-time demon-baby just as I started packing for our 2-day trip to Louisville. JP was swimming so I was left holding a screaming fussing non-napping Landon and looking around helplessly at all the things that needed to be done. We left late, but made the drive in just over 5 hours and arrived in time for the amazing rehearsal dinner at the Churchill Downs museum. It really was beautiful- and in such a neat location! We got to take a tour of the track, learn about the history and horses, and eat and drink lots of delicious things. Unfortunately, Landon was not as impressed as we were and fussed pretty much the whole time. My aunt (mother of the groom) has a friend with a baby one month younger than Landon and after seeing how good natured and easy this baby was, and hearing how he slept 12 hours at night and had never been sick, JP and I definitely felt a little sorry for ourselves. Later, when Landon was up every few hours and we were so tired, I just started crying. Every now and then on really bad nights JP will say something about not wanting any more kids, and that night, for the first time, I told him I didn't either. And I really meant it- and I might still mean it. We spent Saturday walking around pretty downtown Louisville and hoping Landon would take a nap. He did not. We went to the wedding ceremony, spent 90% of it outside in the grass so that Landon's squeaking noises wouldn't dominate the wedding video, and then took off for the 5-hour drive back. Given that Landon didn't sleep all day we were sure he would sleep in the car ride home, but he instead chose to scream for nearly two hours before petting his blanket and settling down for a little nap.

Luckily, the Landon seems to know when he has us at a breaking point and he did sleep from the time finished unpacking at 1 AM (he crawled around for that 30 minutes) to 7:30 this morning. I hadn't touched a law book or outline in three days and planned to move into the library until my M&A final Tuesday morning (which will be immediately followed by Environmental Law on Wednesday morning, the same day the movers come). JP started feeling sick yesterday, but I figured it was just due to extreme lack of sleep and he'd get over it with a good night's rest. But starting around 2:00 this morning (1 hour after we got in bed) he was on fire, but shaking with chills. He was covered in blankets and clutching a heating pad and said he was freezing. This morning he woke up soaked in sweat, still burning outside and freezing inside, and feebly insisting that I go to the library while he took care of Landon. Of course I ignored him and spent the morning nursing him and keeping Landon from yanking all of Lilly's hair out. We had a scare when his temperature shot up to 104.1 from 102 in 45 minutes, but with more liquids and some tylenol we got it back under control.

It is now 8:45 and I am opening my backpack for the first time since Wednesday. Both of my boys are asleep and I have a very long night of studying ahead of me. I'm desperately hoping JP is better in the morning because I will be staring at a blank word document on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings for those exams if I don't do spend tomorrow cramming. I still haven't even read an outline and while I was feeling okay about that a few days ago I'm getting that suffocating panicky feeling right now. I have 5 days, 3 finals, 1 move, 1 mercifully pleasant baby, and 1 very sick husband. I know things will work out and I know that in a month we'll be settled in our house, I'll have my JD, and we'll joke (or at least not cry) about this week. But right now I feel like diet coke and some sort of survival instinct are all that's keeping me from collapsing in a teary little puddle on the floor.


  1. I want you to know you are not alone in the the feeling of "i'm not having another baby." At 5 weeks i was begging for a hysterectomy and i meant it. no joke. my son did not sleep through the night til he turned 1. we went hard core and hired a sleep consultant and it changed our life. from 1-2 he slept through the night except for 4 nights. it was bliss. now at 2.5 we are having struggles again...but i have to say that year of sleep gave me the glimmer of hope that it is possible. we are talking about having another baby soon...but i am terrified. more terrified, because i know what to expect. so, go ahead and cry. say whatever you want to say. don't feel bad about it. the first year is about survival...surviving parenthood and keeping your marriage secure. you have a lot on your plate. good luck.

  2. ugh! Justin keeps saying things like that and (1)he's gotten up with Cooper all of 5 times ever and (2)Cooper has been sleeping through the night since I got back from Chicago (beginning of April). It's upsetting to hear...both from yourself and your spouse, but it's normal. Plus, Landon was born a bit early so he's unfortunately going to be more prone to illnesses and other stuff more than full-term babies. My cousin's kids were 3.5 and 4 weeks early and they both had wicked acid reflux, chronically ill with upper respiratory infections, and were highly sensitive to changes in their environments. My cousin's third child, born full-term, has no sign of any of those things, even with being exposed to all the germs from her older siblings. You wouldn't think such a few short weeks would make a difference but it sure seems to.
    Hopefully now that he's crawling more and getting into things, he'll wear himself out enough to sleep better.
    We'll be pulling for you to get through this week without losing your mind (or catching JP's illness! hope he gets better!).

  3. I back up Colleen's sentiment that just because ONE kid is a . . .um . . . difficult baby, doesn't mean that the next one will be. But that being said there are tons of perfectly happy only children out there (myself included) who are more or less sane (ok, maybe not including myself on that last part).

    Hang in there, honey - it's ALMOST OVER!!!

  4. Girl you need a break. Seriously. You are so close though. I know its hard but just push through it and then next week it will all be over. You will be done with law school and moved. When you get settled in down here let me know and I will buy you a big huge margarita.

  5. A friend taught me the mantra "there is a beginning, a middle, and an end" to everything, and I find myself drawing on this not only for school/work stress, but now for baby stress. It's been three years since I graduated, and I was just telling Matthew that while I'm glad I went the law school/bar route, I would never do it again. And I feel exactly the same way about pregnancy/early baby - I love my baby, I'm thrilled we have her - but go through this again? Can't imagine it.

    Peace and tranquility to you, sleep for Landon, and health to JP!

  6. Poor thing! When it rains in the LL household it certainly pours! One day, just remember that this year will be a topic of fun banter with Landon (and his future bride) about what an awful baby he was. LOL. Also, one off the charts awful baby does not guarantee another. You have as much a chance as anyone else of having a fantastic second baby. Think of it this way - you are prepared for the worst. This way, you will do okay with whatever your uterus sends your way. However, if you started out with an easy baby, if you get anything but an easy baby, you'll be in for a rude awakening!

    Good luck on your exams tomorrow and Wednesday. I am sure you'll do fine. Anyway all you need to do is pass - you've already got a great job lined up! And then you can put this hellish year behind you and focus on your new life. :)

  7. anon here - just wanted to edit and say that by "awful" I meant difficulty level and not cuteness. Likewise by fantastic I also meant easy, not that Landon isn't fantastic in other ways. ;) We all know he has a killer smile and great hat wearing abilities and when he's happy he's the CUTEST.

  8. Oh my goodness I am so sorry! Things are so hard right now but you are right, soon you will be settled in your new house all done with school. I'll be thinking about you guys!

  9. You really should look into a sleep consultant. They work wonders, even"fussy" babies. Landon would do much better with a set routine. Parents we know that used consultants from the start a few weeks after birth have had little trouble, and the few people we know who used one later on said it made a world of difference.

  10. Wow. I really feel for you in these posts - I have done the grad school thing and I remember those moments of sheer terror. However, I did NOT have a baby, so I cannot imagine YOUR level of stress.

    If you do start to feel panicky, remember to take DEEP BREATHS. You are almost there. Almost done. Focus on that.

    Also, I think it is perfectly normal that both of you are harboring thoughts of No More Babies. Hello! That would the LAST thing on any reasonable person's mind given the circumstances. :-)

  11. Oh my goodness! Why is the universe ganging up on you like this right now? Sending you strength, hugs, and the ability to tackle it all one hour at a time. You *will* look back on this and think about how much easier life is once you're settled at your firm and in your new home.

  12. First,

    It's ok to not want any more kids. Having one is job enough, and one kid can be just as fulfilling or more so than having a whole brood.

    I love my second baby just as much as my first, but I've been feeling that they both got gypped by having a sibling.


    For some reason, sickness on the cusp of moving is a known phenomenon. During a move some years ago, I contracted Scarlet Fever (and I had thought that was obsolete!). It seriously must be a culmination of too much pressure in a too small time space. Sometimes I wish all I owned was a horse and a tipi, and we just followed the buffalo. Does that make any sense?

    Best wishes for everything.