Friday, December 11, 2020

Day 50

Hi! So, in what has turned out to be a highlight of 2020, I stopped drinking alcohol in October.

It was the immediate result of one night out on a patio with two friends where I let the intoxating rush of socialization and frozen margaritas lead me to actually drink enough to become intoxicated and when I got back home I was a total asshole to the one person who matters most to me, which is what happens any time I drink too much which is why I am usually so very careful not to do so. It's been years since I have. Lots of them, but bam, there I was, acting like the person you root against in any movie.

It was also the longer result of spending 225 days at home and pouring a glass of wine at the end of each and every one. At some point in the middle, I wondered if I should get back to my New Year's resolution of only drinking on the weekends. And at some point three-quarters of the way through I realized I was never going to do that and perhaps I was no longer the person in charge of deciding whether to drink that glass of wine each night. While I think you can absolutely have a drink every night and be fully in charge of that decision, I was setting goals each weekday morning I absolutely knew I would (and then did) break and thus going to bed each night annoyed at and disappointed in myself. And even though it was usually only one, it was always one and the mere survival to the end of every day seemed to justify it, regardless of my true wants or intentions.

And so I stopped. Completely.

Interestingly, it was considerably easier than my previous failed attempts at moderation and other rules and lines. I'll also note, because I want to be honest, that knowing how much I had hurt someone and something very precious to me on the night of my last drink was an overwhelming motivational force in what would likely have been a hard first week of breaking a very ingrained habit. But I can say that by week two, even once back on an even keel in my marriage, the pull of the evening glass of wine was so much less. And by week three, I simply no longer expected it in my transition from afternoon to evening. It stopped being weird to make a new cup of tea while cooking dinner or to have one while watching a movie before bed. Somewhere in there I was thinking about drinking less and less until I realized it had been more than a month since I'd had one- quite a bit more than one really, and each day no longer felt like a milestone. I also realized that the last time I'd gone a month - frankly the last time I'd gone a week - without alcohol was when I was pregnant. And the result of my last pregnancy was 7 years ago. And it felt good.

I've developed new routines and new habits. I rearranged our kitchen to put all my tea mugs in their own special place where the wine glasses used to be. I created a tea drawer for my expanding collection and it makes me happy every morning (and afternoon and evening) when I use both. I treated myself to two new mugs and may have made myself one covered in pictures of Maggie for my Christmas stocking.
I've been living for my tea advent calendar that provides me with new teas to try each morning and my instant hot water dispenser that rocks my whole world every time I use it (and I use it a LOT). I've enjoyed Elderflower Cordial with lime seltzer when I want something fancy and am probably well hydrated for the first time in years. Being without the usual social whirl and happy hours and parties has probably made it easier, but then again, it was the being home all the time that led to that 5:30 pour seeming so essential. I've made it through Halloween, Election Night, Thanksgiving, Fridays, Hump Days, hard days, long days, and great days, all alcohol free.

And here I am at my 50th day.
James surprised me with flowers and a dealcoholized champagne the guy at Specs told him was "pretty good" (side note: that was probably James's first time in a Specs since college; ironic) and we'll toast with it over Thai takeout later tonight.

I honestly don't know what my long-term plan is with this. Initially I told myself I'd stop for 100 days, just to have some sort of goal, but now I think I'll abstain for as long as I work from home. I know I mention it every post, but being home just isn't great for me. I'm back in therapy and back on Prozac and I think that *I* am back again after being lost for a bit, but it's hard. The actual logistics have been good- I've got a great set-up in our bedroom, and calls, meetings, and even on-the-record sworn testimony work seamlessly. I'm on great cases, talking and video chatting regularly with great, smart people, and I'm really enjoying my job, but it's just hard. I miss all the human interaction I took for granted before - the stops at Starbucks, people popping by my office, going to lunch midday, stopping at TCU to teach or my yoga studio for some hot yoga - I was woven in the fabric of this vibrant urban suburban community and I miss every single thread of it.

I may try to add alcohol back into my life in a post-pandemic world; I may get to that point and realize my life is better without it. But at Day 50 it feels incredibly good and simply normal to be sipping my pumpkin spice rooibus tea after logging off from work at 5:30. And in this year, I'm thankful for something that feels good and normal, for something that has made me create new habits, and for something that has made me feel proud and strong and whole every day for fifty days.

36 comments:

  1. Good for you! I quit for pregnancy and then realized I didn’t miss it, a lot like you. Now I have a drink maybe twice a month but I’m drinking nowhere near as much as what I used to and i totally agree it feels great to be properly hydrated for once. Even if the decision started from kind of a painful place it sounds like it’s the right one for now, it’s such a positive thing.

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  2. Congratulations! I relate to this so much, the pandemic definitely took me from a weekend drinker to an every night drinker and I know it’s not the healthiest choice physically or mentally.

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  3. You totally and indisputably rock. thanks for sharing this with us.

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  4. This is awesome. Do you think your tea advent calendar is still sold?? I want to count down from Christmas to Inauguration Day....

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  5. Congratulations!!!

    If you're looking for a new place to get your tea fix, check out David's Tea. It used to be just Canada but it's making it's way into the US. I've gotten my tea advent calendars from there for the last few years (but waited too late and they were sold out this year!). Their tea comes in tins that make me so happy to see them lined up in my tea drawer.

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    1. Ha I was eyeing the David's Tea advent calendar when I saw the Adagio one was about half the price. I've loved Adagio, but I'm on the David's Tea mailing list now and look forward to indulging soon!

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  6. Congratulations! I quit drinking 2 years ago when I realized I was unsuccessfully trying to plan and control my drinking. Socializing without alcohol has been interesting. Some friends can handle it and others cannot. In the end I’ve stuck with it because I like myself much better without alcohol and I love not trying to control/plan when and how much to drink (and failing). My favorite non-alcoholic drinks are from Curious Elixirs. They feel like an adult beverage vs super sweet juice or soda. I get the sampler pack sent every month. At first I balked at the cost, but eventually I realized they are much cheaper than wine!

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    1. I had never heard of Curious Elixirs- thank you! They look very intriguing, which one is your favorite? I'm leaning towards #2 and #4. My birthday is a couple months after Christmas so these might be the perfect post-holiday treat to look forward to. And congrats on two years- the unsuccessfully trying to plan and control my drinking rings very true for me.

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    2. #2 and #3 are my current favorites. I just ordered their special #5 and can’t wait to try it. Hope you enjoy them!

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  7. Good for you! This pandemic has been so hard, and I also spiraled into drinking way too much. The mom-memes only made it seem funny and normalized it ("It may take a village to raise a child, but it's going to take a vineyard to homeschool one!") Around my birthday I realized I was opening wine when it didn't even sound good, just because it seemed like the only indulgence available, and I was feeling pretty terrible. Limiting to Friday night with our weekly takeout has worked for me, and I find I really look forward to it and savor it. I'm glad you found a routine that works for you! Be well!

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    1. YES on the opening wine when it didn't even sound good because it was the only indulgence available. I made breakfast tacos for dinner one night, even told myself "hey this will be an easy night to take off!" and then ended up pouring one anyway and even mid-pour was like "wtf are you doing? this goes terribly with scrambled eggs." I'm hopeful with a hard reset I can go back to the occasional, truly enjoyed glass, but am thankful for the hard line right now while I know I can't be trusted.

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  8. I am SO proud of you! Once upon a time, I made the decision to stop completely too. I found myself thinking and waiting until "the time" to have my nightly drink. So, I just stopped. I didn't (and still don't!) miss it and just never went back to it. I think people find it odd when I tell them I don't drink, but it is what it is. I smiled while reading this because you are refreshingly honest and so very relatable. Keep going, Mama!!

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  9. My interest in drinking has waned since having kids (tolerance decreasing) and then I read the book Quit Like A Woman and it solidified my interest even more in being alcohol free. I’ve enjoyed finding festive alcohol-free drinks and am going to try some alcohol-free gin (Seedlip brand) at Christmas. Thanks for sharing this! I’m so sorry you had that interaction with a friend but glad you have been able to repair the relationship.

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    1. I have that book on my Kindle but haven't started it yet- I'll bump it up on my list! (And my acting like an asshole was limited solely to James, as it always is, which I now realize my writing didn't make clear. Somehow spouses always end up with the worst of us, but I'm glad he's back to getting my best now :)).

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    2. Ah I see what you meant! Reading while up with my baby so my eyes were a bit blurry :) I hope you enjoy the book!

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  10. This is awesome. I'm glad you took control and made a decision that you feel good about. And I feel a little bad for promoting those boozy advent calendars on your previous post now!

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    1. Ha, no don't at all! I'm glad for fun treats for those who aren't me and can handle them right now <3. It was actually a wine advent calendar that made me think "I wonder if there's one for tea" :).

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  11. Thank you so much for sharing this, and I'm so glad you've found a routine that works for you.

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  12. This is absolutely amazing!!! Thank you for sharing. I have noticed particularly with the pandemic how drinking has really creeped in as the number one coping mechanism instead of one of many. You inspire me!

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  13. I quit drinking 433 days ago and it's the best decision I've made in a long time. Thank you for sharing this, during a time when I've seen so many people sharing more and more about drinking to deal with the stress of the pandemic. 😊

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  14. I have accidentally almost stopped drinking during the pandemic just b/c I found I don't really enjoy drinking without a social environment, and while I don't plan on abstaining entirely, I love having it be a very rare thing (a drink 1-2x/month is about right). I hate how poorly I sleep after just one glass of wine or beer!

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  15. That’s great that you saw what was happening and took steps to deal with it. A healthy choice in a hard year.

    I confess that I went to Adagio to see if they still had that Advent calendar but they were out of stock. I’m getting one next year! I ordered some tea for family members and with it came a one week sample of their CommuniTEA club—you get a month of teas, one for each day, and can vote on them, chat about them, etc. The sample starts in December 20 and I’m so excited. That might be something to replace the Advent Calendar once it’s done.

    How does that faucet work? Is it as good at heating water as a kettle?

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  16. Congratulations! A question about tea: I vastly prefer loose-leaf tea but usually use teabags because I am somehow grossed out by the leaves every tea infuser I’ve tried leaves in my cup. Do you have a recommendation for a tea infuser? Thank you!

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  17. Congratulations! A question about tea: I vastly prefer loose-leaf tea but usually use teabags because I am somehow grossed out by the leaves every tea infuser I’ve tried leaves in my cup. Do you have a recommendation for a tea infuser? Thank you!

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  18. Thank you for sharing this!I went from an infrequent drinker to a regular one over the last six months and am in the middle of my own sober journey. It became something/an only thing to look forward to and I knew then it was time to stop. At least until life returns to something like "normal." Take care.

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  19. Congrats! It sounds like this has been a positive change for you. Working from home with way fewer social interactions is so hard. I've been back at work since August, and it does make it easier to leave the house regularly.

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  20. I accidentally stopped drinking this spring. At first it was because I was trying lose weight, and wine/beer took too many points on WW. ;) But then, when I would have a sip from my husband's glass, I realized that I no longer liked the taste of it. Every once in a while I think about having a beer, but we bought a soda stream this year, and I have found that I like having a cold glass of extra sparkly water (no flavor even) just as much.

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  21. thank you so much for this - I think 2020 has been eye-opening for me, too, about how easy it would be to lose control of my drinking. I live alone, so (luckily?) the only one I hurt is myself, but this post has re-inspired me to do a Dry January. I think my last one was 2016 or 17? And I think it was a really useful reset.

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  22. Have you read anything by Laura McKowen? Highly recommend her on Insta and her book (We Are The Luckiest) - you are so not alone, lady, but damn if you aren't brave! All my admiration. xox

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  23. So nice to have you back posting! Thank you for sharing this. I love the balance of perspective in accepting what does and doesn't work for you, whether or not that is true for others. I also think that planning your day and life around how to feel peaceful and content when you go to sleep at night is a great strategy (easier said than done, for me)!

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  24. Good for you! I quit for a while a few years back because for me, I realized I had lost my sense of intention while drinking. It really helped - I do drink again, but now I try to do checkins with myself before I drink.

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  25. I applaud your choice and recognition that that is what you need right now! Congrats on day 50 and thank you for sharing your life with us again recently - your posts have always felt so real and I've missed them! (Not pressure to do more, I am just appreciating what you've posted and the updates, hugs to you)

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  26. This is an amazing achievement and you should be super proud of yourself. Whatever gets you through this time is what you should do.

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