Day 50

Hi! So, in what has turned out to be a highlight of 2020, I stopped drinking alcohol in October.

It was the immediate result of one night out on a patio with two friends where I let the intoxating rush of socialization and frozen margaritas lead me to actually drink enough to become intoxicated and when I got back home I was a total asshole to the one person who matters most to me, which is what happens any time I drink too much which is why I am usually so very careful not to do so. It's been years since I have. Lots of them, but bam, there I was, acting like the person you root against in any movie.

It was also the longer result of spending 225 days at home and pouring a glass of wine at the end of each and every one. At some point in the middle, I wondered if I should get back to my New Year's resolution of only drinking on the weekends. And at some point three-quarters of the way through I realized I was never going to do that and perhaps I was no longer the person in charge of deciding whether to drink that glass of wine each night. While I think you can absolutely have a drink every night and be fully in charge of that decision, I was setting goals each weekday morning I absolutely knew I would (and then did) break and thus going to bed each night annoyed at and disappointed in myself. And even though it was usually only one, it was always one and the mere survival to the end of every day seemed to justify it, regardless of my true wants or intentions.

And so I stopped. Completely.

Interestingly, it was considerably easier than my previous failed attempts at moderation and other rules and lines. I'll also note, because I want to be honest, that knowing how much I had hurt someone and something very precious to me on the night of my last drink was an overwhelming motivational force in what would likely have been a hard first week of breaking a very ingrained habit. But I can say that by week two, even once back on an even keel in my marriage, the pull of the evening glass of wine was so much less. And by week three, I simply no longer expected it in my transition from afternoon to evening. It stopped being weird to make a new cup of tea while cooking dinner or to have one while watching a movie before bed. Somewhere in there I was thinking about drinking less and less until I realized it had been more than a month since I'd had one- quite a bit more than one really, and each day no longer felt like a milestone. I also realized that the last time I'd gone a month - frankly the last time I'd gone a week - without alcohol was when I was pregnant. And the result of my last pregnancy was 7 years ago. And it felt good.

I've developed new routines and new habits. I rearranged our kitchen to put all my tea mugs in their own special place where the wine glasses used to be. I created a tea drawer for my expanding collection and it makes me happy every morning (and afternoon and evening) when I use both. I treated myself to two new mugs and may have made myself one covered in pictures of Maggie for my Christmas stocking.

I've been living for my tea advent calendar that provides me with new teas to try each morning and my instant hot water dispenser that rocks my whole world every time I use it (and I use it a LOT). I've enjoyed Elderflower Cordial with lime seltzer when I want something fancy and am probably well hydrated for the first time in years. Being without the usual social whirl and happy hours and parties has probably made it easier, but then again, it was the being home all the time that led to that 5:30 pour seeming so essential. I've made it through Halloween, Election Night, Thanksgiving, Fridays, Hump Days, hard days, long days, and great days, all alcohol free.

And here I am at my 50th day.

James surprised me with flowers and a dealcoholized champagne the guy at Specs told him was "pretty good" (side note: that was probably James's first time in a Specs since college; ironic) and we'll toast with it over Thai takeout later tonight.

I honestly don't know what my long-term plan is with this. Initially I told myself I'd stop for 100 days, just to have some sort of goal, but now I think I'll abstain for as long as I work from home. I know I mention it every post, but being home just isn't great for me. I'm back in therapy and back on Prozac and I think that *I* am back again after being lost for a bit, but it's hard. The actual logistics have been good- I've got a great set-up in our bedroom, and calls, meetings, and even on-the-record sworn testimony work seamlessly. I'm on great cases, talking and video chatting regularly with great, smart people, and I'm really enjoying my job, but it's just hard. I miss all the human interaction I took for granted before - the stops at Starbucks, people popping by my office, going to lunch midday, stopping at TCU to teach or my yoga studio for some hot yoga - I was woven in the fabric of this vibrant urban suburban community and I miss every single thread of it.

I may try to add alcohol back into my life in a post-pandemic world; I may get to that point and realize my life is better without it. But at Day 50 it feels incredibly good and simply normal to be sipping my pumpkin spice rooibus tea after logging off from work at 5:30. And in this year, I'm thankful for something that feels good and normal, for something that has made me create new habits, and for something that has made me feel proud and strong and whole every day for fifty days.