No Regrets

Last night while JP and I were lying in bed, I started thinking about how tired we are, how hard this is, and what life was like pre-Landon. I thought about the friends we visited yesterday- how quiet and uncluttered their apartment was and how she was studying on the couch while her husband worked on the computer. I thought about how JP and I used to do that- sitting in our teeny downtown loft, doing individual work in companionable silence. I thought about how weekends used to be restful- how we'd look forward to sleeping in, making breakfast, walking around the city, reading and working in the afternoon, and then going out somewhere in the evening. I thought about all that, and then I turned to JP and asked in a small voice, "Do you think we should have waited to have kids?"

I know that you aren't supposed to ask that question- that kids are supposed to be so great, so full of wonder and joy, that you aren't supposed to imagine life before them. But the thing is, I remember very clearly what life was like before Landon, and sometimes, like when it's 9:30 and I'm exhausted and dreading the numerous baby wake up calls that will probably come throughout the night, I think that life before Landon was quite nice. I've had those thoughts before, but I'd never voiced them out loud.

And JP, who doesn't read parenting magazines or mommy message boards, and doesn't know that you aren't supposed to admit to longing for the pre-baby days, immediately answered with a resounding Yes. But then he qualified it with, "but we knew we were going to do it some time and at least now we'll get our house, weekends, and sleep back sooner than all our friends." And that's true. So then I, of course, had to ask him if he'd still want to hang out with me on the weekends in 18 years, and he responded, "Not if you keep doing this thing where you decide to have deep conversations 5 seconds before we go to sleep." Well, hmph, that's not quite the answer I was admittedly fishing for.

And then, just as if Landon knew he had taken me to yet another near breaking point, he only woke up once last night. After months and months of blaming his fussiness on teething, we can finally see two teeth poking through his bottom gum. We gave him Motrin at 7 PM; it's supposed to last 6 hours and 7 hours later he woke up for more and went right back down. I think for the first time in his life we were correct to finger teething as the reason for his interrupted sleep. He didn't wake up again until 6:15. JP went to entertain him while mommy slept in, and then at about 7:30, a very perky and handsomely dressed baby was tossed onto my bed. He gave me a delighted smile and proceeded to crawl (and drool) all over me and the covers. As I sat there, listening to his stream of babble and giggles and watching him try so hard to crawl, all the while throwing me big smiles over his shoulder, I thought, "this is so worth it."

Landon's presence in our lives has added enormous stress, strained our finances, and taken all of our sleep. We reached a few breaking points along the way. I clearly remember one night at around 3 AM, when Landon woke up crying for the millionth time, JP and I just lay there, literally unable to move and both hoping against hope that the other would get up or Landon would magically stop crying. I remember that I was about to cry when JP turned and said, "try to go back to sleep," and then went to get Landon. I heard him pick the baby up, take him out to the living room to rock him, and start to sing - usually something from Cross Canadian Ragweed or his own version of "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands", which involves God holding lots of varieties of bugs. And the funny thing is that when I think about that night, I don't focus on how tired we were or how hard having a baby is. What I remember most clearly is how I fell in love with JP all over again for getting up, even though he was probably more tired than I was, and how I laid in bed, smiling at the thought of God holding all the dung beetles in His hands, as per JP's lyrics.

I did not expect parenting to be easy. I did not expect it to be this hard. Sometimes I think we should have waited longer to have kids, most of the time I think it's good we started early. Having kids was never a question and if I have to be this tired, I'd rather it be now. Being in school has also given me the flexibility to attend all of Landon's doctor appointments while avoiding discussions with any boss about billable hours or commitment to my job. And really, none of the advantages and disadvantages, costs and benefits, or pluses and minuses matter. If we'd waited, there wouldn't be this particular Landon in our lives, and while I can imagine life pre-Landon, I can't imagine life without him in it at some point. This morning as I was driving down Lake Shore Drive on my way to school, I kept smiling at the memory of him crawling all over me in bed this morning. I wanted to pull over, unhook him from the car seat, and hug the heck out of him. But he was having a happy conversation with his elephant, and I know better than the interrupt a good thing. So instead, I just drove on and thought about how much love and smiles and laughter he's added to our lives, and even though I can definitely remember, and occasionally long for, life pre-Landon, I wouldn't go back for anything in the world.