Soliciting Opinions

Everything going on in my life right now has already been blogged about ad nauseum (like the fact that Landon reverted in his poor sleep habits last night, and JP and I didn't go to bed at a reasonable hour because The Daily Show spurred yet another Obama debate, so I'm really tired, and how I'm freaking out about my unstarted papers and how behind I am in my classes, and that the list of things to be done before our move in 30 days is a mile long, and yeah... the usual mix of whining, stress, and panic), so I am going to ask for product reviews instead.

JP and I will be in the market for a refrigerator, washer, and dryer in a few (rapidly approaching) weeks. I'd like the fridge to be stainless or "stainless look" because the colors in the kitchen are already rather dark and the sink is stainless. I have no preference yet on the type of washer and dryer. I'm intrigued by the front-loading washer option but I've heard they have some leaking and moldy-smell issues, so I welcome all opinions.

Any brands, models, or styles you love or hate? In Texas your fridge is chattel, so all of this stuff is going wherever we go for the next many years (my parents still have their fridge from their first house in 1980!) and we'd like to get good ones with minimal amounts of buyer's remorse. Thoughts on places to purchase these items, especially in Austin also welcome!

Day 289

When Landon was in the NICU I organized my pictures in folders by day: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, etc. It seemed like each day was so different and so full of milestones (first day off CPAP! first time we saw his eyes! first day without a feeding tube! first day without nasal cannula!) that I wanted to keep each one separate. Obviously the day-by-day organization method would soon get out of hand (and believe it or not, I do go days without taking a picture), so once he came home I switched to a monthly archiving system.

But sometimes it's fun to think about how many days have gone by and marvel at how many changes have sneaked up on us. When did they happen? When did he start using his hands so purposefully? When did he develop that sense of humor that tells him it's funny when mommy makes the quacking noise before she takes a picture? Because we see him everyday it's easy to lose perspective of how amazing his leaps in development really are.

Here he is on Day 12:



And, in the same chair, on Day 289:

It's almost like he's a completely different baby. And while I loved super cuddly, fall asleep after five minutes, newborn Landon, I think I prefer the super fun, full of personality, 9.5 month version.

A House Divided... Stands Just Fine

I got a comment the other day asking, "How can you and JP have such a good relationship with such differing political views?" and since I'd imagine most of you are tired of reading about my tiredness, I figured I'd respond. Yes, JP and I have different political views- on some issues, very different political views- but living together in peace, love, and general harmony is really not that hard. People disagree on all kinds of things; I don't think there's a couple out there who agrees on everything. And while politics can be more incendiary than some topics, it hasn't caused any fires for us yet (though there has been smoke).

Politics is actually a shared passion and hobby for us, and I'd much rather be married to someone who loves it and disagrees with me than someone who is ambivalent. I love that he always comes home wanting to talk about some news story he read and I love that we email articles back and forth during the day. Both of our beliefs are based in facts and research, and we can - and do - defend them on a regular basis. His disagreement makes me smarter. Sometimes I modify my views, sometimes he changes his, but most of them time we hold on with more strength and surety after a good debate.

We agree on the social issues I feel strongest about, the ones which I do have a hard time seeing the other side of (like being pro-choice and stem cell research and against things like the defense of marriage act). We disagree on all kinds of other things, among them our choice of presidential candidate. I admit that after a night of staying up hours too late, determined to convince the other of the the rectitude of our own position, I have thought about how nice it would be if he just agreed with me (I've never thought it would be easier if I agreed with him ;). But because we don't make the debates personal or turn them into attacks of character, I really enjoy them. Passion in a marriage is good thing. Before the 2008 presidential campaign started up, we were agreeing on so much it kind of got boring (one thing I can thank the Bush administration for is uniting us in our shared loathing).

We've never had an argument (or even a difference of opinion) about finances or children. He is unfailingly supportive of my career and doesn't consider any household duty to be "my" job. On our second date when I told him I wanted to work after having children (it was a very big deal to me and I grew up in a lovely suburb that led me to think I was quite radical in that desire), he looked at me like I was a little crazy and said, well, of course, why wouldn't you? That mattered more to me than who he voted for in the previous election. He loves my family and is an amazing father. Tonight when Landon threw up little pieces of carrot and noodle all over the living room floor, JP stripped him, handed him to me for a bath, and spent 45 minutes cleaning all the pukey pieces out of the carpet, the tray, and even used a q-tip to get to the insides of the legs of the high chair. In short, I adore him, even if his views on immigration occasionally make me want to tear my hair out.

Our debates are based in love and mutual respect, and while life would sometimes be easier if we just agreed on foreign policy, I look forward to a future of defending my political beliefs. And I hope that our kids grow up reading, asking questions, and joining in what I imagine will be spirited dinner table conversations.

And the Landon Taketh Away

We thought the crying it out was working. On Wednesday morning he was up at 4:00 and cried until 5:30 when he finally fell back asleep. On Thursday he woke up at 5:12 and cried until almost 6 when I rescued him. On Friday he woke up at 6 - victory! He's been going down between 7:45 and 8, so that was the 10 hours we were told by the pediatrician we all needed to be getting. For the first time in a long time I didn't fall asleep last night fearing what the morning would bring. The Landon had other plans.

He woke up crying at 3:25. We waited for about 10 minutes and then went in to pat him a few times. He settled, we left, he screamed. And continued to do so until 4:45. At first we alternated going in to calm him and then leaving. At about 4:20, when we realized it had been a fruitless hour of not sleeping, we gave him some motrin. JP then held him and rocked him and he fell back asleep until 7. I don't know what that was about - my guess is another tooth, but sometimes I think we just blame those teeth for everything. But the screaming at 3:25 was unusual. Who knows... I do know that I'm very tired and the super productive day I had planned (that I need) is not getting off to a very good start.

But how can you be mad at that face? Especially when he's proudly showing off his new favorite trick of making very loud spitting noises.


Sometimes the cuteness is all that keeps me going in the morning; that, and some kind of primal mothering instinct.

Follow-Ups and Non Sequiturs

I don't have anything comprehensive to write about today, so here's a few comments I wanted to add to past posts.

One thing I meant to say in "Never Ready", is that the reason I started crying wasn't because of the horrible memories (they're bad, but they don't make me cry anymore), but rather because of all the warm, supportive comments from readers, most of whom I don't know. They were pretty incredible and I was reminded of how much I relied on this blog during that dark time. The support of my family and friends literally kept me going- they made me food (friends), made me eat it (mom), and were just a physical presence of support and love. But it was the blog that became my lifeline. My outlet to express my outrage and then my fear; my diary to record details I knew I wouldn't remember; and a source of overflowing validation and kindness. Having my family and friends stand behind me was important of course, but at a time when it's strangers who have control over your life and don't believe what you're telling them, having other strangers tell you they believe you, tell you how much your story affected them, and write such wonderful things meant more than hearing my friends say the same thing. I've said thank you a lot, and meant it, but the other night it hit me just how much those comments helped me. Any time I wasn't sleeping or on the phone or visiting Landon in that horrible place, I had my laptop in my lap, writing a new post and reading all the comments from past ones. And I think it was the continually overflowing inbox that kept me from drowning in despair and fear. So many of those tears the other night were tears of gratitude and awe. Maybe someday if I can handle it, I'd like to read the ones from previous posts, I know I'll be overwhelmed again, but in a good way.

Second, when I typed up my daily schedule the other day I didn't want to make it sound bad or like I was complaining about it, and I hope I didn't. It's certainly busy and there are times when I long for the years when JP and I can lounge in bed on a Saturday morning, reading the paper, arguing about the articles, and reminiscing about the crazy days of our youth. But in general, I feel lucky to have the days that I do - JP is my partner in every sense, Landon is such a joy, and despite the impending paper deadlines and moving madness, I'm blessed to have the stresses that I do. Landon even slept in until 6:02 this morning, so everyone in the Lag Liv household is feeling pretty chipper.

Now I am off to the dentist to pick up a mouth guard because apparently stress has caused me to start grinding my teeth. I have no less than 12 fractures going straight from top to bottom in various teeth and have ground all the enamel off the bottom few. And to think I went so many years of my life without this destructive little habit. Just another thing the law school admissions booklets don't warm you about.

Day in the Life of a Law School Mama

Several people have done posts like this, and my schedule isn’t as crazy as some of them, but it’s busy and someday when I’m retired and bored I can look back on it and think that a little boredom can be a lovely thing.

The random day chosen is yesterday, Wednesday, April 23, 2008.

5:12 AM: Landon’s wails pierce through my unconscious state. Curse, repeatedly. Decide life would be significantly better if he would sleep until 6. Be sad for a few seconds that my life is such where sleeping in until 6 AM would feel indulgent. Make Landon wait until as close to 6 as possible before getting him. When the fussing turns into screaming, drag self into his room.

5:48: Rescue the Landon from his near hysteria. Get big smile, brief cuddle, and then lots of spitting and hand hitting. Bring him in bed with JP, pretend that maybe for once he’ll curl up and go back to sleep with us.

6:02: Give up on sleeping, go out to living room and feed Landon his breakfast – rice cereal and a container of fruit (anything but the offensive banana)

6:45: Wake up JP, hand him a happy Landon who smells of sweet pears. Jump in the shower; say peek-a-boo every time JP, holding Landon, opens the shower curtain. Lather, rinse, peek-a-boo, repeat. Decide Landon’s laugh is almost worth the lack of sleep.

7:00-8:00: Check weather, see a high of 75, and decide to wear one of the cute dresses I bought in Texas. Continue passing Landon back and forth while we get ready. JP leads the crawling practice, I monitor the rolling on the bed. JP cleans bottles, I assemble them. He folds laundry, I check email. I love the 3 days a week he's home in the morning; the other two he goes to swim. He leaves for work at 8.

8:29: Landon and I have to be out the door by 8:30. Realize I have at least five things to do before that can happen. Reach for box of granola bars, remember that today is Coffee Mess (school provides bagels/donuts and coffee in the lounge on Wednesdays), rejoice, run out to car.

9:10: Try to find legal parking in front of Maya’s. Give up, hope the evil parking police don’t walk by in the next 5 minutes. Laugh at Landon’s excitement at the mirrors in the elevator lobby and his continued fascination with the glowing Exit sign in the hall. Hand him and his little bag of bottles to Maya, try to get him to wave goodbye but he’s too busy with his babies and toys. Finally get him to look up with a big smile, smile back, then turn and run out the door to the illegally parked car.

9:25: Park my non-ticketed car, walk quickly (freezing, perhaps it wasn’t quite warm enough for the dress) to grab a bagel before my 9:45 class.

9:30: Outraged to find there are no bagels left. Apparently Passover meant the administration needed to decrease the number of bagels ordered by 90%. Check email, return call to mother-in-law, run off to class.

9:45-10:50: Sit in favorite class (Advanced Corporations: M&A), think about the bagel I’m not eating while learning about reverse triangular mergers.

10:50-11:00: Buy hot tea because I’m freezing in my cute dress, check email to find 20 new messages in my inbox, balance computer and tea while perched on a bench outside our internet-less classrooms. Debate skipping least favorite class.

11-12:05 PM: Sit in least favorite class (Environmental Law), wishing I’d skipped. Listen to one of the most brilliant law professors in the country, try to keep up with his intellectual leaps, become intellectually tired and spend the last 10 minutes relabeling pictures of Landon in my hard drive. Reflect that nothing the administration does will make a person pay attention in class when they don't want to.

12:05-1:30: Go to Alumni Roundtable Lunch with Cary Kochman, head of the UBS M&A group. Realize I’m the only woman in a room of 20 men. Wonder why corporate law scares away so many women. Eat turkey sandwich while listening to fascinating law v. investment banking discussion that deserves its own post, which I will probably never have time to write. Move on to brownie, carefully picking out the yucky walnuts. Resist urge to suck off every crumb of chocolately goodness from the extricated walnuts. Ask insightful question of Mr. Kochman about URI case I read in M&A, in which he was the lead negotiator. Get lots of fun behind-the-scenes info about the failed merger and the trial Enjoy impressed look from the esteemed guest for knowing so much about his case. Wonder again why there aren’t more women in the room.

1:20-2:45: Go to library, spend an hour catching up on emails, booking plane tickets for friend’s wedding, searching for environmental law outlines, and paying bills. Meet with professor about the substantial paper I’m writing for him. Vow to start actually working on it soon.

2:45: Walk across campus to doctor’s appointment for severe headaches and sleeplessness. Finally get seen by doctor at 3:15. She asks what’s going on in my life and if I’ve been under any unusual stress lately, I say I don’t think any more than normal and then tell her about graduating, the papers, the house, the move, and the non-sleeping 9-month old. She laughs, gives me a prescription for Ambien and an appointment with their “movement specialist” to work on better posture and positioning in front of the computer.

4:00: Get back to the law school, call Landon’s plastic surgeon to negotiate the cost of his surgery since the doctor apparently dropped our insurance between our consultation and the actual surgery. Make a few more phone calls, all of which involve being put on hold, fear next cell phone bill.

4:45: Realize I’m going to be late picking up the Landon. Shove computer in backpack, walk quickly to the car, lament the fact that another day has gone by with no reading and no research. Wonder if I’ll ever catch up in my classes.

4:59: Pick up a very busy Landon – he’s in the middle of the babies, holding a penguin in one hand and a block in the other, and looking very pleased with life. I get a big smile, the diaper-nap report from Maya, and head home.

5:30: Arrive home quicker than usual, make dinner for Landon (Kraft shells and cheese) before he realizes he is suddenly starving to death. Feed him the cheesy shells, three at a time, and marvel at how quickly his solid food skills have improved. Move on to peas, duck as he spits out the last bite, wipe him off, and head for the tub.

6:30: Splash in the water with Landon.

6:45: Unplug drain, dry off, throw on pj’s, pick up Landon from the now empty tub, wrap him in his monkey towel, and toss him on his bed for rolling and bear-wrestling fun.

7:05: Bring the pot of now solidified shells and cheese into Landon’s room and eat from the spatula while he rolls. Feel somewhat pathetic for not at least using a fork to eat out of the pot.

7:15: Cuddle Landon and give him his bottle, sing songs, sway, put him in his crib.

7:16-8:15: Landon cries. Resist going to him for a few minutes, but give in to repeat the singing and swaying. Then repeat twice more.

8:16: Landon is still crying. JP comes home, tell him his son wants him, and go to reheat the shells and cheese. The crying ceases almost immediately and JP accomplishes in 5 minutes what I tried to do for an hour. He claims it's because of the magic of the dung beetle song.

8:17-10:00: JP forages for his dinner, I claim I’m full but then eat bites off his plate. We talk about the house, how poor we’re going to be this summer, and the Pennsylvania primary results. Top Chef comes on at 9pm and I institute the “no talking during the show” rule. JP goes to bed. At 10:30, I join, thinking that I did no school work today but I’m really tired and it may be another 25 years before I’m not tired. Spend 90 minutes trying to fall asleep, vow to get the Ambien prescription filled tomorrow. Desperately hope Landon makes it until 6 before waking up, but know that if he doesn't it's JP's turn to get him anyway.

In the Clear

I wrote this draft earlier, but then the day got insane and I had to write a paper by 4pm reacting to a 67-page article I hadn't read as of 1pm. And then I had to attend a workshop about that article, which "explained" the various scientific climate change models in a very confusing fashion, and found out that I didn't understand the article at all and my reaction paper probably makes no sense. BUT, all that aside, today was a very good day.

This morning was Landon's pediatric endocrinology appointment and we are in the clear! The full metabolic workup (with the 14 vials of blood) he had about 10 days ago came back normal. His glucose and A1C levels were perfect and the only results not squarely in the "normal" range were liver function and immunoglobins. The liver function was only slightly elevated and the doctor said that any condition that could cause that would make the levels extremely high, so he wasn't concerned. The immunoglobin levels were also not a concern because of all his past ear infections and colds- and he has a mother with chronically low levels herself. He also said that Landon's high fasting glucose test was actually good and probably reflected a very well functioning pancreas- in an infant 9 hours is really too long to fast, so when his sugar dropped, his body had time to appropriately respond in bringing his levels back up. The doctor said the 124 result was exactly what he'd want to see after a 9 hour fast in a baby. So yay!!

It now looks like we may be able to go two whole weeks without a doctors visit... and if the baby gods are really smiling on us, we might even get a full night's sleep! Landon cried solidly between the hours of 4 and 5:30 AM this morning. [Insert obligatory sentence about how freaking tired and unbelievably stressed I am right now.] I'm off to bed!

How did I end up in this mess?

As I sat here at my library table, reading last week's assignments for environmental law, falling further behind in M&A and Legal Profession, and having still not started my two papers, I started thinking about how I ended up in law school at all.

Four years ago I would have told you, with absolute certainty, that I was going to medical school. I had wanted to be a doctor forever - my doctor's set was my favorite toy and Curious George Goes to the Doctor was my favorite book in elementary school. I belonged to all the premed honors societies. I had completed all my prerequisites: biology, chemistry, labs (oh the horrendous labs), organic chemistry and biochemistry (the two classes which marred my beautiful 4.0 GPA, damn them). I was enrolled in an extremely expensive MCAT prep class. I was going to be a doctor. Until one day, in the middle of my prep class, I decided that maybe I wasn't, and in ten minutes I changed my entire life plan. I thought about why I was a liberal arts honors major instead of a biology one. I realized that while I loved biology (especially genetics, I miss Punnet squares quite a bit), the other science classes didn't come as easily to me as my liberal arts classes. I enjoyed writing and had always gotten my feedback and grades on papers. For a brief moment I let go of The Med School Plan and let myself imagine what else I might like to do. I was in a Philosophy of Law seminar that I loved and I was writing my thesis on euthanasia legislation and policy in the Netherlands. Maybe I'd like to go to law school... At the end of the 10 minute break, I withdrew from the class and left. I called JP and my parents on the drive home to inform them of the new plan. They were surprised, but knew me well enough not to try to change my mind.

I decided I'd like to be a law professor (yeah, I really didn't know anything), and my thesis advisor told me that to be a professor I needed to go to the best school possible, preferably one in the top 10. So I mailed back my MCAT ticket for a partial refund, paid the late fee to take the LSAT that was coming up in a few weeks, and bought a book of practice tests. The LSAT went well and my grades were good, so I decided to apply to the Top 10, minus Harvard, plus Georgetown. Looking back I have no idea why I didn't apply to Harvard, I think because it seemed too big. Although since I was coming from UT, which is usually at the top of the list of America's largest colleges, I'm not sure why I thought that mattered so much. Anyway, I was immediately rejected from Yale (like immediately, I don't think they even opened my application), waitlisted at Stanford, and accepted everywhere else. I had no idea where I wanted to go- I hadn't even been to most of the cities where the schools were located and I didn't have a single pre-law friend to tell me what mattered. Ultimately, I picked the University of Chicago because JP found out he could be transferred there over the summer. His company would pay for our move and apartment-hunting trip, which sounded nice, so I accepted my spot there and withdrew from Stanford's wait list (I can't tell you how many times I've thought about that during the Chicago winters). I had never even been to Chicago, but now I was committing to it for three years.

The rest is history (which from Nov 2006 on is documented here). JP was transferred, we moved, got married, and I started school. Sometimes I think about the fact that I'd be starting my last year of medical school this fall, and I wonder if I made the right decision. I still think I would have been a good doctor and I think I would have enjoyed it. But I think I'll be a good lawyer and I'll enjoy it, too. I've loved Chicago and I'm grateful for the opportunity to get out of Texas for few years and experience some place new. I don't think I would have had Landon in med school and given how tired I am of school and exams right now, I can't imagine facing an internship, residency, and fellowship after this. I'm not someone who thinks much about the past- I'm happy with where I am and rethinking paths taken can only stir up regret I don't currently feel. Things could be different, and different could mean better, but overall I think this is the right place for me. I like the law and I'm grateful for the way law school has changed the way I think, read, and see the world. I'm excited about starting my legal career and wouldn't change anything about our lives right now.

I am not excited about all the work I have to do before graduation or taking the bar exam this summer, but I think that 21-year-old me made the right decision when she walked out of that MCAT class. Law school, with all its stress and work and sleeplessness (it sounds kind of like parenting), has been good for me. I'm very glad to be done with school soon and out in the real world. And I can always go to med school when JP is done with business school and I've paid off the law school loans... Just kidding. I think.

Putting the Fun Back in My Weekend

I realized a few weeks ago that I no longer look forward to weekends. They bring less sleep because JP and I stay up later and still wake up at whatever ungodly hour Landon chooses; they bring more work because I use them to try to play catch up; and they bring stress because each weekend that comes is one less I have left to work on my papers and enjoy Chicago (which cannot be done at the same time). So I decided this would be a FUN weekend. Saturday already promised great things- a close friend is getting married in August and her bridal shower was going to be at the Four Seasons that morning, followed by her bachelorette party that night. I'd been looking forward to these events forever- excuses to get dressed up, spoil a wonderful person, and go OUT! The fact that the other guests were some of my best law school friends, none of whom are moving to Austin with me, made it even better.

And it was a wonderful day. The shower was beautiful and it was great to meet her mom (who immediately asked me about Landon, all my friends are like proud aunts who brag about their "nephew") and her bridesmaids and college friends. I was excited to wear a fantastic BCBG Max Azria dress I picked up at Ross in Houston for only 24.99 (the original $240 BCBG tag was still on it - how do they get this stuff? does it fall off the back of a truck?). She got lots of great stuff and it made me wish I was a little older when we got married. At barely 22 I didn't know what my "taste" was yet, and I would have made better registering decisions. I also had no idea how much I'd love hostessing and I now covet my friend's beautiful serving dishes.

I came home and played with Landon while JP went to go swim. We read every book he owns and I discovered he loves it when you bark at him. It absolutely cracks him up. We did lots of barking and giggling.

The boys helped me choose my "going out" outfit (dark jeans, black sleeveless neck with a v-neck and v-back and a thin silver rope wrapped around the straps, silver shoes, silver/black bangle bracelets and long earrings) and dropped me off at the pre-party apartment for the mini-lingerie shower and bachelorette party. I'm proud to say my gift of leopard lace panties with red lace trim was the least classy (and most fun). I know her fiance will appreciate them. After some wine and appetizers we headed out in cabs to a karaoke dive bar. We indulged in $2.50 PBR specials (that is not a tasty beer), my first shot in a very long time, and lots of karaoke-ing. I believe I sang to "Like a Prayer", "If I Ain't Got You Babe", and "The Sign". Around 11 I thought I should take a picture of my shoes to share with you all:

I really need a pedicure.

We left the karaoke bar at midnight for another favorite that plays 80's music, but I hopped in my own cab and headed home. JP has gotten up with Landon for the past six mornings because I've had terrible headaches, so I knew that no matter how late I was up and no matter how much I drank, I still had to get up with the little guy. JP needed (and deserved) a day to sleep in. I was in bed at 12:30 and Landon woke up, hysterical, at 4 AM. I think his other bottom tooth is coming in. I gave him some motrin and walked loops to calm him down and he finally fell back asleep at 5, only to wake up for good at 7. We made the most of being up early on a Sunday and went to brunch at our favorite local place, did our grocery shopping (Landon sat in the main area of the cart, surrounded by food, and chewed on almost everything once), and just hung out and laughed with our little man. Now he's in bed and JP and I are about to enjoy a delicious dinner with a good Chilean cabernet.

My eyes may be burning with lack of sleep, and I didn't do a minute of schoolwork, but this was a nearly perfect weekend. It was my gift to myself before everything gets completely crazy with the papers and finals and driving to Austin within hours of my last exam. I don't want to go to sleep and allow it to end.

Sleeping Through an Earthquake

You know how when you're really tired you say things like, "I could sleep through a [insert natural disaster here]."? Well, apparently at 4:40 AM this morning, JP and I slept through an earthquake. The article says it was a moderate one at 5.2, but given what a light sleeper I am, I think I would have woken up had I been sleeping like a regular person instead of an unconscious, exhausted parent.

The good thing is that it didn't wake Landon either. He slept from 7:15 PM to 5:00 AM. I really wish he could make it until 6:00; 5 is just too early when JP and I can't seem to get in bed before 10:30, but I'm not going to complain (yet) because this is only the 10th time or so that we haven't been up between at some point between 2 and 4 AM. Baby steps.

It's now 9:30 and I'm sitting at a table in the library with a mountain of books beside me. I am two weeks behind in every class (and only three weeks into the quarter) and I am determined to catch up in at least two of them before I leave to pick up the little guy at 4:30. It might help if I shut off my wireless, but our Dean has already removed internet from the classrooms, and I'll be damned if I separate myself from it voluntarily.