NICU update (updated)

~ 7am: We found out last night that Landon's lungs hadn't improved- he's basically walking the line between needing further intervention (intubation) or just staying on the respirator a little while longer before they can start weaning him off it. Even if he picks the good side right now, and they can start reducing the oxygen they're giving him, it'll be at least one week before he can come home and quite realistically two or more weeks. I'm really sad.

Update at 1pm: We visited Landon twice this morning- after the first visit it sounded like they were going to intubate because he had a difficult night and now needed 53% pure oxygen rather than the 20-22% he was on yesterday. After breakfast we went back down and were able to talk with the NICU attending. She said he was improving (now at 32% oxygen) and they were going to watch him very closely, but they had not made the decision to intubate at that time. If he makes it through this evening without that step then it probably means he's on the road to improvement (though it might be a long road- tubing him might actually make the recovery shorter but it's quite a bit more invasive so they want to avoid it). He's still breathing far too rapidly- over 100x/minute rather than the usual 30-60. You can see the dents in his chest from working so hard. We'll go visit again this afternoon- it's hard just seeing him a couple of times a day, but we're trying to balance our desire to see him with the fact that our visits get him worked up and breathing faster (although I know he likes holding our hand- which you can see in the picture- it's hard to get him to let go when we leave). Once his breathing has relaxed and he's really improving we can spend more time with him.

It's been tough- I only feel like half a parent. I think I'm still in a bit of shock that this whole thing happened and not having him around to constantly remind me that I'm a mother makes it even less real. He's being (well) cared for the NICU team and I'm just a visitor. I know the connection will grow when I can hold him and spend more time with him, but for now when I see him laying there I have to continually remind myself that he's my son. I think JP feels a stronger bond than I do- maybe because he wasn't able to be close to the baby until now. I had the little guy squirming around in my belly for eight months- he actually feels less "mine" now than he did before. The timeline for his homecoming is looking at just over a week- best case scenario. I'm glad he's in such good care, but I can't wait until he's in my care.