Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I left out one special little detail about Landon and my trip to Houston. On Saturday night I got back from the bridal shower around 12:30 a.m., had a terrible stomach ache (possibly related to the three cake pops I ate), and fell asleep a little after 1 a.m.

At 3:15 there was a loud wail and cry for MOMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE coming from my brother's old room. It was Landon and he was pissed. Once I calmed him down, he was wide awake. He wanted nothing to do with the strange pack 'n play on the floor of the strange room and kept asking to go on a walk to the park. I explained that it was dark outside and everyone was sleeping. We walked to the window to investigate the darkness. Landon nodded his head seriously and asked if the sun was hiding. I applauded myself on our ability to reason through problems, and told him, yes, the sun was hiding and it would come out after he went back to sleep and woke back up in the morning. He nodded again and then said, "I can walk in the dark." Damn the infallible logic of a 2-year-old.

From then on nothing I did mattered. I tried lying down next to his pack 'n play on the floor, which worked until I got cold, thought he was sleeping, and tried to crawl out of the room. Many minutes of screaming later I tried sleeping in my brother's bed next to the pack 'n play. Every five minutes Landon would ask where I was and then he'd want to chat. We tried walking again but he threw a fit when I wouldn't let him have his morning breakfast bar. "It's not morning yet," I explained reasonably. Landon responded by throwing the biggest tantrum he'd thrown since June.

I called JP at 4:45, crying, while Landon flopped about on the floor next to me. I kept asking him why we were doing this again. I'd forgotten what it was like to be this tired, to want your child to sleep so badly it hurts. I was reliving Landon's first nine months and was certain I couldn't survive it a second time.

At 5:30 my mom came upstairs. I had put Landon back in the pack 'n play to scream while I sat up in my bed staring catatonically at the wall with the lights on. She took the little demon downstairs so I could sleep and drive back to Austin without killing us both. Landon never went back to sleep and acted impervious to my glares when he bounced cheerfully into my room to say good morning a few hours later.

I rounded out the morning by feeling more nauseous than I had in weeks and throwing up repeatedly in my parent's bathroom. The last time I threw up was 1L year after I drank two bottles of wine at law school prom. I'm sure it was somehow Landon's fault.

Yesterday I had my 14 week check-up. JP told Landon that mommy was going to the doctor check on the baby, and Landon said he wanted to give it a kiss. (I'm pretty sure he thinks there's a ready-made baby hanging out at the doctor's office just waiting for us to take him/her home.) He settled for giving me a kiss and huge hug and then waved and blew kisses as I backed out of the driveway. At the doctor's I heard the whoosh whoosh of a strong heartbeat, and suddenly the phrase, "I can't believe we're doing this again" didn't sound nearly as dire as it had at 4 a.m. Sunday morning.


  1. just wanted you to know i love your blog. and it reminds me that, one day, i can be a "real lawyer" AND have kids. and that wanting to kill them for irritating (albeit logically rationalized in a 2 year old voice) you at 3 am just makes you human.

  2. Ah, the dreaded refusal to sleep when traveling. We went through this from the time Bear was about 11 months old until very recently when we discovered that he will sleep when we travel just not in the pack and play. He will sleep in a bed with me, my husband or my parents but will not have anything to do with the pack and play. Usually he sleeps less in the bed with us but it is still way better than when we tried to make him sleep in the pack and play. We pretty much expect to get him down an hour or two past bedtime and up 2 hours earlier than usual when we travel. I have found that driving him around in the car until he falls asleep helps too.

  3. Ugh. Yes. Wes refuses to sleep in Pack and Plays too. It's maddening. At my inlaws he sleeps in the bathroom because if he can see another person he WILL NOT SLEEP. But he's pretty cute and fun most of the time, so there's that.

  4. My daughter does this too - when traveling she becomes convinced that there is a bear in the pack and play that will eat her. No one ever sleeps well. My only assvice - sound machine. For longer trips it has worked well (after a night or two of freak outs).

  5. It is so true, the sleep deprivation seems so much worse during the middle of the night then the following day when you have lived through it. Something about the sunshine, maybe? When I was going through residency my senior resident told me (about call) "They can make it harder, but they can't make it longer" and that used to run through my heads on those sleepless nights with my two kids. Eventually they do become able to sleep (well except the kids I see on Supernanny who send chills down my spine!)

  6. I feel you, both on the older baby not sleeping while traveling, and on wondering what kind of freak masochist I must be to subject myself to the newborn days again. If I could skip right ahead to 8 months, I would.

  7. I recommend the maximum dose of benadryl for occasions like those. That's a secret passed on from my mother-in-law. (Nick claims he doesn't remember anything from his childhood other than a spoonful of purple liquid coming at him.)

    The new baby can only be better than Landon was as a newborn, just remember that. I sometimes miss the newborn days myself, particularly that Cora would take naps with me. Snuggling up with a new baby = awesome.