I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. - William Faulkner.
About a week ago I read a blog post by a stay-at-home mom regarding why she thinks staying home is best for her and her family, and why she does not believe working and daycare could be as good for her children or her. It was thoughtful, personal, and heart-felt, and yet my hackles went up immediately upon reading it. I didn't comment at first, but couldn't stop mentally crafting unnecessary arguments against a position that by her own admission was personal. I struggled with why I felt compelled to disagree with something that had nothing to do with me until I read a comment that said in part, "I can understand that what I want for myself is not what you want for yourself, and that's totally fine. I think you wrote about this in a respectful manner, even though it can be hard to read that someone else would hate to live your life." And I realized, yes, that is exactly it. Even when someone writes about such things in terms of only herself, and maybe even means it, it's almost impossible not to read it as a judgment on you and your family. If this wouldn't work for you, do you believe that it works for me? But it does work for me! And why the hell wouldn't you want my life?! I love it my life! Why wouldn't you?
And the answer is of course because we're different and we have different goals and different wants and different things were are willing to trade to reach the best overall balance between it all. I know this, I write this, but apparently I don't listen to myself because I find it hard not to argue when someone tells me their choice that is the opposite of my choice is the perfect one. I think this is why it's hard to have a completely open and rational discussion with other mothers about staying home v. working. There's some inherent defensiveness about what you've chosen (or haven't chosen, but have to do anyway) and it all touches such sensitive issues. Hearing someone say they think their children would be harmed, or at least not as well served, by daycare immediately makes me defensive because that's where my child is and obviously, I think he's doing just fine (quite wonderful in fact, I adore his new center). I know there are bad parents in the world, but I have yet to meet one who doesn't care deeply about their children and their well-being and hearing someone knock your childcare choices does not bode well for any conversation, no matter how polite you're trying to be.
On my end, I love being a working mom. I'm about to make the same general statements I bristled against when someone else made them, but this is absolutely the best choice for me and my family. Landon loves daycare and I think he benefits from being there. I love my job and I don't believe that what I want, what I worked for in school all those years, stops mattering because I had Landon. Priorities change, schedules adjust, your heart expands, but I am fundamentally the same person after having Landon as I was before and that person needs this in my life. ("This" being order, adult conversation, intellectual stimulation, giant stacks of paper everywhere, and constant to-do lists with difficult assignments.) And having this does not make me feel overwhelmed or crazed or guilty, it makes me satisfied and happy.
I am tired of hearing how women today are stressed and unhappy and that moms feel guilty for working. On point (1) I don't feel either of those things and articles telling me I should are irritating. I love all the technology, I love that my blackberry means I can leave my desk as soon as my last email is sent for the day and I don't need to wait around in case of a reply. I like being busy and I am very good at saying no to all kinds of unnecessary activities and events in order to spend a Saturday with my family running errands and cleaning the house. On point (2) I just don't understand associating working with guilt. I understand wanting to be home (well, I can't fully understand wanting to be home full-time, but I understand how important it is to some people), and I understand being sad that you are missing out on things with your child. But guilt? I associate guilt with eating six chocolate-chip cookies when you should have stopped at two or printing off enough paper to kill a small forest. It describes something that is indulgent but harmful, or just generally reprehensible (so says Websters). I think it's a powerfully negative word to attach to a woman working outside of the home (never men, they're not told to have "daddy guilt" by articles and each other). There are mornings when I am truly sad to leave Landon- not necessarily sad to go to work, but sad there aren't more hours in the day and sad to not spend more of them with him. But never guilty. I support my family, I work productively and pay (a whole lot of) taxes, and whether or not people really think lawyers contribute to society, I certainly don't think what I do is "reprehensible" in any way. It's a word that I wish could be eliminated from the whole discussion.
Around my one year anniversary at the firm I went back and read my "hopeful" posts about balancing career and family before I started work. For the most part they've remained true. I still feel optimistic, though I have my worries- most of them about what will happen as a senior associate approaching partnership as my children are at an age where I think it's even more important to be a big presence at home than it is now. But it's one day at a time, and right now my husband and toddler are well served by a wife and mother who is genuinely happy most of the time. And that truth has mostly freed me from feeling judgment from those who make decisions that are different from mine. It may always be a little too personal not to trigger some defensiveness, but I hope that I can support a stay-at-home mom the same way I expect to be supported and accepted as a working mom.
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40 minutes ago
Thanks for this post. Everything was very well said. I am approaching the point (hopefully) where I am going to have to face commentary by those who believe mothers should stay at home, and like you, I believe that each family needs to make the decision that works the best for their family, whether it be mom at home, dad at home, or both parents working and the child happily nurtured in some form of child care. I believe very strongly that the fight fought by the generations of women before us for equal professional footing demands that we as women respect and appreciate the many options we have.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree. Except the part where you quote Faulkner, which just brings back bad memories of having read The Sound and the Fury. :D
ReplyDeleteI applaud women who chose to stay at home with their kids and are happy and fulfilled because of it. I applaud the women who chose to go out into the workforce and balance their professional lives with their family lives and somehow happily make it all work. And I applaud the women who have no choice but to do one or the other, and if given the choice would do something different, but they do what they have to do in order to support their families and what they feel is best. What I *don't* applaud are the women who make a particular choice and then smugly act like theirs is the only right choice to make, they've sacrificed to make that choice, and anything else is simply wrong and damaging to your children. What they're really doing is trying to convince themselves that they're happy (I bet they're not), and that they made the right choice (apparently they didn't). Like, do us all a favor and climb down off the cross. If you're so insecure you have to tear down other people, I'd reconsider your choices.
I would hate staying at home with my child all day, I would be miserable and bitter, and my child would be bored out of her mind. But hey, I would also hate being an engineer or a stock broker. Everybody likes different things. What I love is being a lawyer from 8:30 to 5, and spending my mornings, evenings and weekends with my family. That makes me happy. Just as nursing makes my husband happy. Just as going to daycare makes my daughter happy. If we were all different people, maybe staying at home would make us happy instead.
I so appreciate your honest posts about balancing your life... so many times I'm reading and saying "go girl!" in my head! I'm with you.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I've learned since being a mom is that there are lots of different models of parenting, and everyone does it differently - everything from working versus staying at home to pacifier versus no pacifier (our current debate, it's on my mind...) and ultimately kids turn out fine either way. The most important thing is that they are loved, and that they know they're loved.
There are so many things about our life now, and about my philosophies as a mom, that I couldn't have imagined myself living or thinking. But it's taught me to not judge anyone for her parenting choices (OK, within reason...).
And BTW I've never read that quote before but I LOVE it. I feel like that quite often! There's something about being forced to articulate my feelings that helps me figure out what they are...
As the person who wrote the post to which you referred, I feel compelled to comment. :-) To be fair, I think folks should read my posts about this - I think it was obvious that I was not tearing down anyone for their choices! I was simply mentally meandering through my own choices as my husband and I are coming to decisions as to how we need to proceed with our own family.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would be absolutely miserable working in an office. I am a person who has to give 100% when I work in an office. If I am giving less, I am not happy and I realized that early on during my pregnancy when I was working in a very stressful position for the Federal Reserve. I am a better mother because I do not work in an office. That is not to say that everyone would be a better mother, but it is most certainly true in my case.
Truthfully? I frequently hear a similar sentiment from moms who do work in offices - the old "I would be so bored/miserable/unhappy/ depressed staying at home all day." comments. I think all of us are guilty of making statements to justify our standings.
Also, I want to be very clear, I did not say that my children would be harmed by being in daycare. Yes, being in a daycare is not the childhood I want for them, based on my own experiences, but I do not think they would necessarily be hurt or harmed in daycare. Frankly, those are pretty strong words to use in describing a post where I was just trying to express that daycare is simply not the sort of childhood or lifestyle I want for my children. No slams were attached to those statements and certainly, no judgment was intended.
I do not normally link to my own posts, but I think folks need to see that I was not judging or criticizing others for their particular choices. I hope you understand, Lag Liv.
My original post:
In the calm, there lies the magic.
Follow-up post:
Guilty as charged.
Thanks Cagey for your comment and just to clarify to everyone else - only the first paragraph of my post is a response to hers (and I didn't link to it at first because I was waiting for her permission to do so- after some bad experiences when posts of mine were linked to by others during the Nightmare, I never link without asking). The second paragraph is a more general reaction to the staying home v. working discussion. I have definitely heard people use the word "harm" with regard to daycare, but those people have not been Cagey.
ReplyDeleteLL,
ReplyDeleteNo harm, no foul. Like I said in my emails, I think we no each other by now to know where we are coming from. I was more concerned with misconceptions from others who do not know me.
And truthfully? I have heard others use the word "harm". Which is insulting and most certainly on the dramatic side.
I wish I could agree, LL. I'm a FT working attorney mom, and even though the decision is right for my family, right now, I feel guilt to the core. The term "guilt" to me means feeling bad because you're not doing something you should be doing (e.g. one should feel "guilty" when they play hooky from school). For me, that "should be doing" is, for example, knowing what my kid has for lunch every day (I pack her a lunch, and I sort of know, but the nanny gives her other food sometimes), being able to put a stop to her nap issues by being the one who actually puts her down (instead of worrying that she's not getting good naps), and being there when there's an emergency (it only happened once - but still).
ReplyDeleteOh, and as to daddy guilt, it's there, in spades - at least, my husband gets it when he travels and is away from us, and my BIL (a big biz exec) is always saying he wishes he had more time with his kids. the book "the expectant father" goes into it a lot . . .
I read your blog largely because you are so positive. It's refreshing. But I'm just not as much of an optimist as you are.
Hmmm, good points anonymous... I'm trying to figure out what I still don't see those things as inducing guilt (for me). For example, I've been sad (nearly in tears) that I wasn't there one day when Landon started feeling sick at daycare or sad that someone else sees hours more of his cute antics than I do, but it's not guilt because I am working. Work is where I need to be. I may wish I could be two places at once, or wish that I worked only 5 hours a day, but I can't do either and don't feel guilty over the occasional fallout from that. Sad? Wistful? Yes, just not guilty.
ReplyDeleteAs far as daddy guilt, it's not that I think dads don't feel badly when they don't see enough of their kids, it's that I don't hear that word nearly as often in relation to how they do feel or should feel about working. When JP was in investment banking and worked long hours I asked him if he felt guilty for missing so much of Landon's awake time and he looked surprised and said something like, "I'm sad about it, I wish I could be here more, but I don't feel guilty- I have to be at work." And since he paid our rent and food, that was true, even if it did make him sad and he did eventually quit and move on to more flexible things.
Maybe it's just an internally different definition of those words- my feelings of sadness are what you call your feelings of guilt. But for me, since work is something we need to do to pay the mortgage, grocery bills, etc., it's not something I associate with guilt. But I will feel guilty if I spent too long trying on shoes during Landon's nap and get home late and miss an hour of his awake time - because that was unnecessary, indulgent "me" time that didn't need to take me away from him. (Not that that's ever happened or anything.)
I really like this part:
ReplyDelete"I love my job and I don't believe that what I want, what I worked for in school all those years, stops mattering because I had Landon."
I am not a mother. I am not even married but I am a daughter and I wanted to say 2 things. My mother didn't have a choice. She was single and raised THREE children on her own, one of which has a permanent biological development disorder (read: severe retardation). My mother worked her butt off to provide for us because my poor excuse for a sperm donor would not. Her field was education so she didn't have the luxury of making 100K+. I think that for the better part of a decade we miraculously survived on her 18K salary.
There is no one IN THE WORLD I admire more than my mother. As a woman and a human being, it has brought me such a strong sense of self to know that despite all of her innate desires to keep us warm at home, specially with my ill brother, she knew that the larger purpose was still there. I was in daycare, I used to stay after school in latchkey, and the only meal I had at home during most of my upbringing was dinner. I think there is a myth that is perpetuated that children can only turn out OK if Mom is there for them every waking hour. And the truth of the matter is that, I loved my childhood and I wouldn't have preferred my Mom to stay at home. I started reading very early, I got a chance to constantly socialize, I developed a strong sense of independence and know-how very early. And I consider myself to be an upstanding individual.
The second thing I wanted to say is that I know of a family of 5. Husband and wife are together but they are very right-winged Christians so Mom believes she HAS NO CHOICE but to stay at home. They live in a nasty area of Austin, never have enough money, and had to fix up their garage to invite a stranger to live with their family to make ends meet. I heard her talk about how much her daughter wanted dance lessons and they couldn't give that to her because they couldn't afford it. I heard her give a talk to many other women in the church about how MISERABLE she is and how she asks God to help her find joy in "wiping noses." I am obviously very strongly opinionated on this topic but, it's funny to me how, by being at home and resenting her role as a Mom while not being able to fully provide for her family, is actually more detrimental to her children than if she & her husband would just work.
Those are my two cents. Kids don't turn out alright because you do all of the perfect things. They are their own people and they will turn out accordingly.
I'm not working right now but I am looking for a job. And if I find one, I am planning on leaving my kid at daycare, and I know that I will feel guilty about it. I will feel guilty because I don't have to or need to work, but I want to work because I want a career and I worked hard for my law degree. And I will feel guilty because I am not at home with my kid. And while she may be happy at daycare, there will never be anyone who loves her more than me. And she will only be this age for a few short years and once she's school age, there's no turning back and I will have to send her to school then. So, I know I will feel guilty for sending her to daycare/school before I have to but that is the price I may have to pay if I want a career while being a mother also.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say I don't feel guilty when I work full time. But the truth is, I kinda do. I used to swear that being a stay at home mom was the best way and now I see how I HAVE to work if I want to keep my sanity. The world didn't change, my own needs and wants changed. Now I can honestly say I see both sides of the issue but, you're right, I do feel the need to have to justify my decision to other people. I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I think your first paragraph sums up how working moms feel perfectly. We want the wonderful stay at home moms who bake and sew all day to know, no matter how much they love their lifestyle, there are those of us out there that would just HATE it!
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone should even try to define this issue in terms or "right and wrong." No one can understand what it is like to be in someone else's position - be it financial, emotional, mental, or whatever.
ReplyDeleteAll through school, I ALWAYS planned to continue working (as an attorney) even after I had children. I had the exact same thought as you LL - I have worked so hard my whole life to get here, I would not give it up. However, now that I am actually in my job, it is crystal clear that there is no way I can work where I do and have children. I'm in litigation as well, complex litigation (products), and so despite my best efforts, I work about 12 hours or more almost everyday. Couple that with a 45 minute commute each way. No understanding bosses who will let me go home at 5:30 and continue working from home. Weekends are a crapshot - but usually I have to work 3-5 hours per day on the weekends, and I have no control of my schedule. I live in a big metropolitan area, so I'm sure that's part of the difference, but really LL - your job, partners, everything sounds amazing and ideal!
There's more to my complaints about my job than just the time involved, but all in all I don't know about my plan anymore. I would absolutely, 100% feel guilt if I was basically working to pay a nanny (as daycare would not be close to possible with my schedule) to raise my child - which with my hours, and my husbands similar hours, is all I would be doing. I mean, lord, I feel guilty as it is because I never see my husband and my poor dog!
Your situations sounds wonderful though, and your family is happy, and you are happy. I don't think you should feel compelled to analyze your life to see if maybe there is an area you should be feeling guilty or worrying about - it sounds like you guys are doing just fine :)
I think you feel the guilt based on your core beliefs. For example, I don't feel guilty for eating meat because I believe in the whole circle of life food chain thing, and I believe that some animals are supposed to be eaten. But, I have friends who are vegetarians with much different core beliefs, who would probably feel guilty to the bone if they ate meat. Weird comparison but... my point is, that I think the level of guilt is based on what you truly believe. I am a working mother. However, I, in my heart of hearts, think that my daughter would ultimately do better if I were a SAHM. Unfortunately, finanically, this is not possible. And, most days, I can rationalize why I work, and rationalize that my daughter is also thriving in daycare. But, my situation is different - I have a degree in Early Childhood Education and my favorite job ever was working in a daycare throughout college. I am a total kid-person, I love my time with my daughter, and I think I could totally see myself in the SAHM role with lots of playdates and mommy-groups, etc. But, as I said, right now, that's just not an option. And that's where my guilt lies. I feel guilty because I can't give 100% at work. I feel guilty because I can't give 100% to my daughter - my head and heart are never 100% in one place when they need to be. I feel guilty that my daughter gets sick so much from daycare (and, in that way, I can see the arguement that daycare "harms" children). But, I also know that the teachers at my daughter's daycare ADORE my child, and that she has fun there, and that she's extremely happy and well-adjusted. And that helps.
ReplyDeleteSo, all of this ramble to say... I understand both arguments fully, I think. I see the advantages and disadvantages to both. And, in a perfect world, I think I could resolve a lot of my internal conflict with a working part-time scenario. Sort of the best of both worlds. But the guilt? Yeah, I totally get that.
This has been an interesting read.
ReplyDeleteMy situation -- SAHM (financially free to work or not to work). I don't feel guilt, I feel confusion. I have never known what it is that I wanted to do with my law degree. I always knew that finding a career that fit me was a priority. Now I have babies. I'm trying to juggle my social life, family life and sort career confusion.
If I had a job that I loved -- there would be zero guilt for working. Sure, I'd be sad. But definitely not feel guilty. My world hasn't stopped b/c I'm a mother. I can equally be a kick ass mom working or stay at home.
The choices are all mine. With all this freedom, I should be happy, right? I feel guilty that I'm not. I don't know what it is that I want! Now that gives me guilt.
Great post!
ReplyDeleteI have a very good friend who is counting down the days until she can be a stay at home mom (her daughter is 9 months, but she has to wait for a few things to occur). I'm 5 months pregnant and whenever I voice that I don't plan to be a SAHM, nor do I think I would ever want to be one full-time (PT, sure!)... I always get the, just wait until your little one is here comments and looks. I don't begrudge her choices, but I honestly wonder if she'll judge me for still feeling that way post-baby? I think both choices are just fine, but I hate when mom's project their expections onto other.
Thanks for always summing things up so well. I agree with several of your other posters on the guilt thing. I know working is the right choice (not that it's exactly a choice, but a necessity). It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty that I can't/don't do more. I end up shortchanging myself a lot. Work isn't fun "me" time to me. It's work. I need other outlets and time for myself, the whole family suffers when I don't get it, but it's hard to fit it. It's also hard to fit in cooking, cleaning and all those other home things. I think the thing that kills me the most is not being able to help much or at all at my kids' school. The teachers seem to think my girls don't have a mother sometimes and some of the comments they make just really get my goat. But you know what? They are all working moms too. It's strange we do all judge ourselves and other women a lot. Even though we know in heart of hearts what is right for ourselves and our own families is deeply personal.
ReplyDelete" It may always be a little too personal not to trigger some defensiveness, but I hope that I can support a stay-at-home mom the same way I expect to be supported and accepted as a working mom."
ReplyDeleteI think that's the key right there. That whatever decision we make for our family (whether it be a true choice or one forced by circumstances), women need to support one another. And unfortunatley, usually we tend not to. Can you say catty?
In my opinion, the SAHM who is there only because she feels she "should" be and not because she is truly happy being at home is far from creating an ideal situation for her kids. Because they will indirectly pick up on how Mom is feeling. And the mom who works full-time (whether by choice or necessity) but is dying to be home with her kids, isn't really doing her boss or clients any favour either. Her heart is elsewhere. Sometimes we have very little or no choice in these matters. Sometimes we do. Each of us has do the best we can for our children and our families.
As far as guilt goes, I agree with the comment that it goes to core beliefs. If someone really believes in their soul that it's best for children to have Mom at home but they can't do that (either for financial reasons or because it will cost them their own sanity), that's going to cause guilt. Otherwise, you're likely to feel more like you do, LL, sad for what you miss at times but confident and happy with what you're doing.
I tried staying home when the Blue Jay was a baby. It just about drove me nuts. I lasted about six months. I loved that little muchkin more than anything else in the world but knew I wouldn't be a good Mom to her if I kept it up. I was lucky in that I was able to find the ideal solution for our family and work part-time. I think it really is the best (and occasionally the worst LOL) of both worlds. But not everyone can or would even want to do that.
I wouldn't judge another Mom just for their choices. I might for the results though. Meaning that if we actually see the signs of our child suffering from our choice, than it's time to rethink what we are doing. Not just put our heads in the sand and ignore it. Which I do think happens in some cases. But that's another story.
I love it when you write on this topic. I don't have children yet, so my feelings may change in the future, but I agree with you completely. Even when I was very young, I knew that I would be a working mom, and that it was something that I would have to do for ME to be happy. It's completely different from how I was raised, but in the end, I think a happy mom = happy kids.
ReplyDeleteIt's about more than us judging each other, as you've suggested. It's about cultural ideals of motherhood that just don't fit present circumstances but are sill held aloft as "correct." I love this post, and the comments are so good, too. Too often these discussions end in a rousing chorus of "Moms shouldn't judge moms." But really it's about remaking our world and reshaping our world views to fit a new paradigm or zeitgeist or ideology or whatever you want to call it. Because we don't "choose" to work or stay home in a vacuum; our "choices" are constrained by so many social factors, so the SAHM/WOHM/DAD talk is more than personal choices.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right that no matter how careful we all are to say, "This is what works FOR ME, and I totally respect other people's choices," it's hard not to get defensive when someone else talks about how fulfilling their (completely different) life is. Silly and unproductive, but true.
ReplyDeleteCagey, just to reassure you as an objective third party, I did not at all read this post as criticizing yours -- in fact, I think LL went out of her way to say how respectfully you wrote about this topic.
It's nice to see everyone trying to be reasonable here. Keep in mind that the accidental insult goes both ways. Saying you need to work because you need the intellectual stimulation and adult conversation implies that a woman who stays home must be incurious, dull, and satisfied with the intellectual stimulation of toddlers. I'm sure most SAHMs find other intellectual outlets. Maybe they spend naptime reading Faulkner.
ReplyDeleteAside from different beliefs and wants, you should also keep in mind that you have different kids. You've described yourself as an extrovert and it sounds like you and JP are very social, energetic people. It wouldn't be surprising that Landon inherited those traits, and that he would thrive in a bustling daycare setting.
By contrast, my husband and I are both deeply introverted. Spending eight (or even three) hours a day in the constant presence of other people is exhausting to the point of being physically painful for me. If our future kids turn out the same way, they'd probably be miserable in day care (I'm assuming we can't afford a nanny).
It's tough to have the work vs. home debate because we usually say, "all else being equal, I would do x...." All else is seldom equal. Even if you figure out what tradeoffs work for you personally, your kids may throw you for a loop.
Hey LL,
ReplyDeleteI meant to post this earlier, but just wanted to let you know... I've actually always thought that Landon seems so well adjusted and confident in part *because* he's spent time with a variety of caring adults since he was little. That is, he now seems to feel comfortable and at ease in many different environments because he's been shown he's safe and secure not only when he's with you and JP.
Anyway, I agree that this is a decision where the "best thing" is unique to each parent and child. For Landon and you guys, you've really found a great balance! For different kids and parents, other things may work wonderfully too without diminishing how well your situation works for you (and vice versa).
Keep up the great work - I think Landon (and now the one on the way!!!!) are very lucky kids to have such great parents.
Best, MJS
Such a personal debate. What works for some doesn't work for others. I actually agree with Kelli Oliver George's original post. I so wish that I had the luxury to stay home with my kids. Unfortunatley it isn't feasible for me, as we cannot afford to live where we do on my husband's income.
ReplyDeleteNever in a million years would I have guessed, before kids and before law school graduation that I would have wanted to stay home. However, I realized that once I started working, I didn't have the passion for my career that I feel that law firms expect. Yes, I do my job, but my job isn't my life and will never be my life. In my experience at two law firms, most of the people at the top have a stay at home spouse. I joke sometimes that to be a successful lawyer I need a wife - you know, someone who takes care of everything so that all you have to worry about is your job. Instead, my husband and I scramble to cook, clean, care for kids, work full time, satisfy the boss, deal with doctors appointments and all of the other stresses. Staying home seems so much easier - only 1 boss (i.e. the family) and not constantly fail to please everyone around me all the time.
At the root of it all, I feel that I don't give 100% to my job and I don't give 100% to my kids, so I constantly feel guilty. I'm sure that part of that guilt is my own neurosis mixed with the fact that my mother and all of the females in my family were SAHMs at least while their kids were little. So in many ways, I'm muddling through because I have no idea how you are supposed to balance careers and kids when kids are little.