Big Day

Tomorrow is my first pregnancy doctor appointment. I'm both more and less anxious than I thought I'd be. On the one hand, now that I feel wretched for most of the day, I finally believe I am pregnant and don't need the ultrasound to prove it to me. On the other hand, both JP and my families have a history of miscarriage (our mothers had a combined total of five) and this first check into the health of the baby makes me nervous. And for some reason the completely unplanned nature of my pregnancy makes me even more nervous - like because when I first took that pregnancy test I hoped it would be negative, I somehow deserve something to be wrong. Irrational thoughts, but ones that pop up in my head every now and then.

One advantage of this appointment is that afterwards I can officially announce my pregnancy to the rest of the office. I know some people wait until after the first trimester, but I'm tired of pretending I don't feel like absolute crap every morning (and afternoon and evening). Should something go wrong between now and 13 weeks I'd want some time off and I'd want people to know why. We have a relatively small, close-knit section and I don't enjoy hiding this from them. Plus, I need to be able to commiserate with those who've done this before. Working while pregnant sucks, and it sucks even more when you really like your job and can't do your best at it because your stomach is staging a violent revolt all day and you're so tired at night you fall asleep on the couch at 8 p.m. I'm currently revising the number I children I planned to have.

(Although, when Landon snuggles into my lap while we read Digger Man and 10 Terrible Dinosaurs and then sighs as he tucks his head into the crook of my neck while I sing him goodnight, I swear I could have at least five of him.)

I look forward to sharing a happy report - and an actual due date! - from the doctor appointment tomorrow.