I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Kindness and Patience

alternate title: Why You Shouldn't Have a Baby to "Fix" Your Marriage

Last night, Landon was fussy, it was the end of a very long week, JP had been working past 10pm every night so I had received almost no help, and we were both exhausted. Any shred of sanity, calm, and love I had left in my body went to Landon. I held him, walking endless loops around the living room, while he tried very hard to settle himself- he wasn't crying, he was just making those noises that let you know that he could cry again at any minute- especially if you stop doing exactly what you're doing.

JP was annoyed that Landon quieted in my arms and not his, I was annoyed that JP refused to do the things that I had figured out, through painful trial and error, help calm Landon down, and Landon seemed upset with the universe in general. JP was sad and angry he had so little time with him this week and I was sad and angry that I had so little help this week. By the time we got in bed JP and I hadn't spoken a word to each other in about 3 hours- there was no actual fight, we were just generally pissed off. We both needed sympathy- for different reasons- and neither of us could give it. Part of me wanted to talk about it, more of me was too tired to care, and I fell asleep in such a tensed position that my back hurt when I woke up this morning.

The vast majority of the time having a baby has been amazing for our marriage- seeing JP so in love with his little boy and sharing our utter delight in his every more has been our greatest bonding experience so far. But sometimes, when I have so little warmth and patience left, JP bears the brunt of it because Landon can't.

Luckily, we can go to bed mad because underneath all the tension we are both secure in the certainty that our marriage is much stronger than one crappy night- and when you're that tired, talking it out seems to end in us falling asleep madder. This morning Landon's cheerful, JP is swimming, and I'm well rested- we'll all be fine.