Saturday, September 8, 2012

Reeling

I spent most of last week in New York interviewing witnesses. It was a great trip- the flights went smoothly, I even caught an earlier one back, landing at 9 p.m. last night instead of 11; the interviews went well and we made great progress in my case; I met up with two friends, eating dinner Wednesday at an excellent midtown restaurant my would-be literary agent, and eating Thursday's dinner at a secret "beside (not behind) the red velvet curtains" no name delicious $10 burger joint with a close friend from law school I somehow hadn't seen since graduation. I walked and walked and walked- Times Square, Fifth Avenue, Central Park, half of it in 3" heels. I attended Fashion's Night Out and bought a very cute top at Ann Taylor while drinking a free glass of champagne. I ran into (literally) Snoop Dogg in Times Square as I rounded a corner and he exited a building. I nursed glasses of red wine over draft interview outlines and live music in the hotel bar until it closed at midnight each night. It was the perfect lawyer's business trip to Manhattan, with the welcome extras of being back in a big city, some personal down time, and spending time with good friends.

The only downside was that I didn't sleep more than 5 hours over the whole 3 days I was there. My hotel sleep issues have reached epic, near-tears-at-4:30 a.m.-because-I-still-haven't-fallen-asleep-yet proportions. By the time I landed at 9 p.m. last night (I can't sleep on planes either, obviously), I was moving around in such a haze of exhaustion I was concerned about my 45 minute drive home. My head was killing me from skipping dinner to make the plane and blinking was starting to get painful. I made it though, steering down the highways through sheer will and the anticipation of jumping in JP's arms for a fierce hug, spending no more than 15 minutes generally making up for my days away, and falling dead asleep before we had to leave at 7:30 a.m. for Landon's first soccer game this morning.

I pulled up in the driveway to see JP sitting in the living room strumming his guitar, with all the rest of the lights off. I walked in the house and he very carefully put down the guitar, gave me a hug, and rather awkwardly stated, "I have something to tell you: Employer cut a bunch of jobs this week... and one of them was mine."

I just stood there. I was so shocked, I was so instantly panicked, I was so fucking tired. He'd just won a most valuable employee award on Monday! Our savings account consists of three renovated bathrooms- we were working carefully to rebuild it, but we've barely started. He just did this- WE just did this. The job hunt. The getting excited for interviews, doing (or watching) the research and prep and dressing up in the suit, so excited and optimistic in the beginning, far less so months later. We just moved, I just took a substantial cut in pay, he liked that job, and ohmygod this is at least part my fault. Working remotely could not have helped when they came down to deciding the people (as it turns out, 20% of the whole division) that had to go. JP is so good, so smart, he deserves so much better than this, he already feels like he doesn't contribute enough, that he hasn't hit his career stride, and now it's another job hunt, another round of trying to tell strangers across a table why he's great.

It took about 5 seconds for all that to go through that in my head and then I threw myself at him. I felt him tense, then relax, and then his jaw start to shake.

"When did you find out?", I whispered.

"Wednesday morning," he answered, unevenly and very quietly. "I didn't want to upset you before the trip. There was nothing you could do from there anyway."

I hugged him tighter. He had spent 3 days alone with it, taking care of the kids, telling me everything was fine, while I was gallivanting around playing power lawyer in Manhattan. No parents to call, no me to hug him and tell him we'll be fine. I hate it. I hate that he was alone with it. I know him well enough to picture him on Wednesday and Thursday nights, worrying, feeling sad, embarrassed, and angry all at once. I also know him well enough to know those few days alone with it might have been what he'd have wanted anyway.

I still couldn't say anything because I felt so badly for him it felt like I'd been punched in my own stomach and I thought I'd probably cry if I talked and I didn't want him to think I was upset at him or that I was worried (which I was, but it was a low boiling distant third to how awful I felt for him) and suddenly he started talking, telling me that he was already on top of emailing out his updated resume. That all his coworkers had been amazing- so upset on his behalf, telling him repeatedly it was the position cut and not him, putting him in touch with contacts all over the DFW area. He's had several calls, submitted his resume for at least 15 positions, and working on more. He kept talking and talking and I wanted to tell him to stop- that of course I knew he was working on that and I knew he'd find something and we'd find a way to be fine in the interim and just STOP IT, I'm so, so sorry you lost your job. And I'm so sorry I wasn't here, I hate that I wasn't here. But I still felt like I'd been punched and I'd only been home for about 10 minutes and I was so tired and I still knew that if I talked I'd cry and I never cry and he'd think I was scared or upset on my own behalf, but I wasn't, I was upset on his. I finally just put my finger on his mouth and managed a "shh" and hugged him. I said that I was so sorry. We'll deal with everything else, but right now, I'm just so sorry. It wasn't enough- I have no idea what would be, but he stopped trying to reassure me that he was working diligently to fix his perceived failure to the family. I could have smacked him for thinking for even a second that was how I'd view it, but it seemed like the wrong message to send.

He sat down and talked about the call- a call he knew couldn't be good when his boss introduced an HR person on the line, and the incredible number of other people whose positions had been similarly terminated. The severance pay- short, but existing; the way he sat in his chair for hours Wednesday morning wondering what he would/could do next.

A little while later we went to bed. Not the fun reunion romp I'd looked forward to the whole flight home, but a quiet, tight cuddle. Despite my 60 minutes of sleep the night before, JP nodded off before I did. I think he was relieved. The event was 3 days past for him, he'd recovered from the blow a bit, taken steps to move forward, and, finally, shared it with me. I was reeling. I am reeling. All day today, I can't stop thinking about it, worrying about it, feeling sad, bad, sorry. Wondering how he can possibly find something in this small city we moved to because of me; fearing he'll end up with a horribly long commute again, this time to Dallas. Wondering if we'll move. Wondering if we can afford to move. Wondering if I'll leave my job so soon after I started it. And feeling, over and over, like I just watched someone I love get knocked down on the street and have to stand behind a glass wall while I watch them get back up.

I'm being dramatic. I try not to be overly dramatic.

I'm not handling this well.

39 comments:

  1. I went through this last summer and I was a mess. Honestly a mess. I will tell you a year later it worked out for the best but that doesn't help now. Mojitos are what got me through. That and the fact that my husband worked his ass off to find another job. Email me if you want to talk.

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  2. I'm so sorry. I could add a lot of words of encouragement and silver-lining-phrases .... but I won't. You know all of that anyway. It most likely will be OK, bur right now, in this minute, it sucks.
    And I'm sorry.
    And praying.
    Hugs, my friend.

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  3. That just sucks. My husband had been laid off twice by the time he turned 24. I only had to suffer through one of the layoffs, but I can tell you that it was by far the worst day of my life. I worked swing shift the day that he found out, so I didn't expect to see him until I got home from work around midnight, but he came home from work 4 hours early before I left for work so I knew something was up. I almost wish he had waited to tell me until after I got home from work because I caused so much damage during that shift. I just could not think clearly enough to do my job effectively.

    It will get better, but for a little while, it is just going to suck. Not suck a little. It will suck A LOT!

    It sounds like he has all his ducks in a row and he will find a job, but it is the waiting and the unknown that is the worst part.

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  4. I'am so sorry that this has happened to you and your Husband. No one feels good when this happens. They..say the economy is doing better. Well, sometimes "they" don't know a thing about it.. Or how it feels when someone calls you into HR and says your job has been downsized and we won't be needing your services any longer.

    it does sound like your Husband has everything in order. And we all are Praying that a job is right around the corner. Everything will be OK. We all are survivors in one way or another.

    Take Care..

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  5. Ugh I am so so sorry. That's so awful. Poor JP. I'm sure everyone has told you a bazillion times that it isn't your fault, but seriously... not your fault. I have no idea what JP does or where he was working, but of course would be happy to help with any contacts I have in Dallas!

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  6. I am also a lawyer and last year my husband got laid off. I remember coming home from work that day. I was very excited as I had argued a motion that afternoon. I knew the minute I got home that something was wrong. We have stressful jobs etc. but there's nothing more stressful than being unemployed (yeah, I went through that as well at one point). I have read you blog since I was in law school and I bet that JP will get a new job soon. It's just the transition period that's a pain.

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  7. Oh LL, I am so sorry. I have been there (except I had to learn about the layoff while I was on a work trip overseas). It sucks, it sucks, it sucks, but it will get better. JP is really well positioned here, and he'll find something awesome. It will all work out. It may not work out in the way you thought it would! But it will.

    In the meantime, red wine is always a good choice.

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  8. Hugs to you both. I'm so sorry. It will be fine, but until then, I know it's hard. We've gone through the layoff/severance situation. It sucks, but ultimately there will be the new opportunity.

    I'm amazed at JP's strength. That he can come through what he has with his parents and be so awesome -- it gives me hope that someday I'll be there, too.

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  9. I'm so sorry. That's all I've got, since I know the situation and it blows. Sometimes being a grown-up sucks.

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  10. I'm so sorry. I could have written this exact same post regarding your feelings in relation to JP's layoff. My husband was laid off a week ago. I have never felt so horrible, powerless, and afraid (it doesn't help that I am pregnant with our second). I keep telling myself something will work out. I have to believe it will. I'll believe and hope for the same for you and JP.

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  11. I'm so sorry. It'll suck, you will both get through it, and damn, I really hope the sucky part goes fast. I'll be thinking of you and JP.

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  12. I am usually an anonymous lurker, by I have to poke my head up and say that this has happened to my husband and I four times since 2000. He used to be a school administrator and his shelf life was 2-4 years. It was really hard to have one school board after another not renew his contracts because he couldn't pull off miracles. It's the uncertainly, the loss of control, and wondering what's next that hurts so much. But I know this for certain: In six months things will have changed and he will have a new job. I know it sounds so simple-minded, but every bump in the road brings new possibilities and new rewards. We finally left the Pacific Northwest and moved to Texas to be closer to family and to find new jobs; which we now have.

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  13. You are a good and sweet wife. I'm sorry this happened. I hope that the next thing that happens for your husband is better than he could have imagined.

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  14. Oh, no. I'm so sorry, LL. You guys will get through this, absolutely. Give that man a hug.

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  15. So sorry LL, it totally and completely sucks. Hugs to you both, you'll get through it.

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  16. Ugh. I'm so sorry to hear that this happened.

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  17. I usually just lurk on Google Reader - but hun I am so sorry that this happened. We've been there too, and you will get through it. Its tough & it hurts and it completely sucks, but you will certainly get through it. Sometimes these things open doors that you didn't even know were there and takes you down roads that (though scary and not places you would have gone on your own)are new and wonderful & exciting.
    And he struggled through this alone for a few days because he knew all of this (maybe not consciously, but deep down) that it didn't make sense to worry you over because it would be fine.

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  18. Sucks to say the least! The two of you seem to have had more than your fair share of "hurdles" in your 7 years of marriage. Will be praying for a quick resolve of the current one! You are so lucky to have each other...and 2 fantastic children!

    Patty from TX

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  19. A long-time lurker, I would be happy to share any contacts I may have. I'm based in Dallas, but have clients and business associates everywhere. Keeping you both in my thoughts and heart.

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  20. I'm so, so sorry. I know you guys will be fine, but I'm sorry you have to go through all this.

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  21. You family is together and healthy. He'll find work soon. Sending positive vibes!

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  22. I'm really really sorry LL. :( That's terrible news. Thinking about how to cut expenses in the meantime... Is there a way that Landon could go to public school after all to at least cut down on tuition expenses? I know he is of Kindergarten age...

    I'm sure things will work out and JP will find another job soon. Don't feel guilty at all. He may have been one of the 20% let go anyway, regardless of the telecommuting arrangement.

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  23. When 20% of the workforce is let go, it's really not about JP's skills at all - as the award proves.

    This sucks - but there will be better things out there. You've survived tough times before, and there will be many, many options out there - it may just take time.

    I'm currently between contracts - technically unemployed - myself, and I've found the key is to expand the present - focus in the energy of the present moment, and the present moment is always pretty good.

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  24. Also - just want to send you all love and hugs.

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  25. So sorry to hear this, LL. Hugs and best wishes.

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  26. I am so sorry. It is so unfair. He is a good man for working so hard to find something while you were away and you reacted with such kindness and compassion. I know something will come along soon.

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  27. Frequent lurker here as well. I'm so sorry. It seems so unfair. I hope something comes along soon.

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  28. Hi LL,

    I just wanted to chip in with some positive perspective. Although Fort Worth may seem small in comparison to New York, or to other enormous American cities, it's actually quite a big city and growing - three quarters of a million people, population expected to increase massively over the next 20 years - means that there's bound to be many jobs that JP could excel at.

    He will have lots of transferable skills - and if all else fails, then an election cycle is an excellent time to find volunteer work to add to the CV.

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  29. I am so sorry. Hugs to all of you.

    Like most others, we've been there too... but before we had kids. It still sucked a lot, but now it's a whole new ballgame.

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  30. I am sorry. This is a HUGE area and growing area though and I am SURE JP will find many opportunities. The important thing is the love in your family. Just stick together and keep pulling for each other.
    Ann

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  31. I am another frequent reader/LL fan. I am so sorry this happened to you and JP. Sending positive thoughts and I hope he finds something fulfilling very soon!

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  32. I am a frequent reader as well. I'm not sure what JP does, but DCMA is a civilian agency for the Department of Defense and they have several offices in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. I have a business degree and am seeking my MBA. It might be worth a shot to get on usajobs.gov and search DCMA for contracting type jobs.

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  33. Ugh, I am SO sorry to be reading this! If you send out any emails on his skill sets, include me and I will forward to my husband (who always has his nose to the ground on jobs and such)

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  34. I am so sorry LL! You are a great wife and loving partner. JP will land on his feet and may the next opportunity be the long term one. Many hugs!

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  35. That is terrible news. It's awful to be blindsided like that -- sounds like the company didn't even warn people that layoffs could be in the works. You're handling it as well as you possibly can.

    Fingers crossed for you that he'll find something new in short order, and without having to uproot the life you've just built in FW. JP sounds like a wonderful man and some company will see that and snap him up.

    Could you transfer SEC offices if you needed to? Lots of jobs here in DC. K's agency is doing a bunch of MBA-level hiring.

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  36. I'm sorry!! Well, I went to apply for Medicaid yesterday. I'm from kinda a well-to-do family. Life is weird. We make it.

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  37. Blindsided is never fun. What a strong and considerate husband you have. I am certain it will work out but can't imagine how stressful this must be. This too shall pass. You all have had horrific times before. He WILL find something else. Just a branch in your journey down this road together.

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  38. Sorry I'm just catching up (haven't had much blog-reading time lately). Just wanted to chime in to say--I've been there, and it sucks, and I'm sorry. In my experience, though, things actually turned out better than they were before, and I hope and pray that's the case for you and JP.

    Something similar happened to my husband five years ago. We'd both been at the same workplace for 8 years, and suddenly, he found out his position was being eliminated. Well, actually, his position was being outsourced, and he was free to re-apply for the same job for less pay if he wanted to do that. He did not want to do that. Luckily, he received a generous severance package, enough to see us through for a while, but when that was about to run out and he still didn't have a job lined up, I came to him with plans on how we could live on just my salary (refinance the mortgage, cut spending, etc.). Shortly after that, he took a terrible job that he hated, just to have some sort of a paycheck coming in. He was only there for a couple of months before he found a job he LOVED, and that he's been with ever since. It can get much, much better.

    Here's hoping that this is JP's opportunity to find an even better job. We'll be thinking of you!

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  39. Oh. My. God. I am so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you guys. (I'm also catching up right now. So I'm crossing my fingers that a more recent post will have fab news about him finding his dream job.)

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