Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Done

I wrote the post below nearly a year ago, the night before I left for my sister's bridal shower. At the time it was something I needed to write, but was too raw to talk about or publish. Lately I've been feeling more at peace with the finality of the size of our family of five, so I planned to revisit the topic and edit my old post reflect the acceptance I thought I felt. And then today a friend posted she was pregnant with her fourth and it hit me like a ton of bricks- pure joy for her, punched-in-the-stomach spiraling downward feelings of mourning and sadness for me.

So apparently one year later and the rawness below is still where I'm at. I wonder when it won't be.

~ ~ ~ May 2014 ~ ~ ~

When I was in the hospital about to have Cora, I was asked about 50 times by 20 different people if my tubes were being tied with the c-section. "No." I kept saying, only to change it to "NO!(!!!)" when I was asked yet again minutes before heading to the OR. I understood why they asked- it was baby #3 and they were already cutting me open so why not tie some tubes while they're in there, but no, I felt strongly, VERY STRONGLY, that I was not ready to be physically unable to have another child. I was only 30 and 30 felt way too young to make a decision that permanent when it wasn't necessary. While JP was 99.99% sure we were done with Cora, I was only about 92% sure, and even if I was at 100%, you just don't know where life will take you. I normally don't make decisions based on unlikely worst-case scenarios, but what if something happened to one of the kids? or JP? What if we just woke up one day and didn't feel our family was complete? I have no idea what my life and thoughts will be for the next decade, but I know I would never want to regret the premature robbing of my ability to bear children. IUDs are effective and mindless and work great for me, so there was simply no reason to take future choices away from myself and I could not have felt more strongly about that.

Fast forward 5 months and I find out we can't have any more children after all. As a not fully understood side-effect (by me, anyway; the one freaking time I stay away from google) of a treatment JP's on for a thing I can't go in to, he is sterile. Completely and permanently. He told me this off-hand in April after one of his million doctor appointments and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Everything froze. I froze. I was... I don't even know. I immediately started crying. JP, alarmed at my reaction, cried out, "But we're done! Right?! It's okay, I told the doctor it's okay, we're done!".

But I wasn't.

I wasn't, I cried. I'm not. I'm not done. Not for sure, anyway. Nothing about a single moment I've had with Cora- not pregnancy, birth, recovery, infancy- in not one single moment have I felt closure, finality, or happiness at the thought of never doing this again. I have carefully packed away baby clothes, just in case. I have saved my maternity clothes in a bin in the garage, just in case. The moment Cora was born I pictured another little one 2.5 years later, completing the Landon + Claire and Cora + baby #4 buddy system I'd already created in my head. I joked about a fourth almost immediately, to the shock of JP who thought I'd lost my mind. And maybe I had and maybe we wouldn't have ever actually had another- we have a 3 bedroom house, we work, we hate minivans, we've already paid more to daycares than either of our college educations cost times two... but maybe we would have. Maybe. I love our big family. I love having a house full of young kids. I read the essays complaining about the tedium and awfulness of young children and I just think, that isn't true for me. Not that I don't understand it, I just don't feel that way and my kids don't behave that way and I LOVE this time in our lives. I love being the mom of our young growing family- watching the kids play together, going on family walks and bigger adventures, just living the day to day. We're busy and happy and may well have been done with the growing, but we're 31 and 32. We were supposed to have time to make a decision about the size of our family a few years down the road.

But now we don't. There's no decision. It's made and we didn't get to make it. Circumstance did and that sucks and there are so many other things about those circumstances that suck and this side effect that is in many ways irrelevant is just an extra punch in the gut. And I know that there are so many people who can't have children at all or can't have a much desired second or third and who knows if we even could have or would have had another, and we have three beautiful wonderful kids and we are so blessed and I know that. I do. But I spent about a month crying at random times and staring off into space because there is no possibility of me carrying another child of JP's and sometimes it hits me so hard I feel like I can't breathe.

I assumed that if we didn't have more children, it would be more of a non-decision; a realization at some point that we like where we are and we've moved on from the baby days so let's just go ahead and give away those baby clothes in the bins in the closet. Instead, I pack up Cora's 3 and 6 month clothes with the certainty that no baby of ours will wear them and I cry.

I wasn't done. But we are. And there are times when the finality of it just tears me apart.

20 comments:

  1. Wow, I'm really sorry. I had a health issue between my second and third where it wa thought briefly I couldnt have another - and for that 24 hours, it was just as you said - a punch in the gut. I'm so sorry. Your desire for a fourth has definitely shone through your posts prior to this, and I honestly wondered when it would be.

    We have three also. It's a great number. We got DH snipped after the third partly because like you, I adore babies (an also being pregnant which i know you dont like), and there's just something so fun and lovely about it, and i knew in a moment of weakness i could decide and that would be another kid, for life. But we have all the same constraints - jobs, small space, logic, finances, a lifestyle/education/etc we want to keep for all of them, etc.- and I knew I wanted the decision sort of made so I didnt torment myself. I can honestly say that now, about 1.5 years after the vasectomy, it basically never occurs to me to have a fourth. it's decided. i'm not in baby mode, my friends aren't, and having a school age kid for me is fun and yet totally different from having newborns and toddlers. it's a mental shift, and i'm there. i hope you get there too.

    of course, could consider adopting?

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  3. I'm sorry it's still such a surprise punch in the gut sometimes. As someone who's firsthand familiar with primary infertility, it's a wrenching experience that separates you (whether momentarily or for months and years) from those around you. Doesn't matter whether you have no kids or ten, if you're not ready to give up on the dream of one (more), you're not ready. That's okay. It sucks, and it hurts, but it's okay.

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  4. This is so sad. I'm so sorry.

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  5. Whatever is going on with JP sounds worrisome. I hope that his prognosis is good, whatever the situation is. Quick aside - I'm surprised that the doctor didn't ask if JP wanted to "bank" before starting treatment.

    I just wanted to say that, as a woman who can't have children I think that what you're going through is at least as difficult as infertility regardless of how many children you have. I have learned to treat my own reproduction with a detached coldness because it just doesn't exist. I don't know how wonderful my babies are because I haven't experienced one. Secondary infertility (which I guess is your situation?) has to be more painful. I'm so, so sorry.

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  6. There's no Pain Olympics, dear - pain is pain, as all of these beautiful and supportive comments from other people suffering infertility have shown, and you don't need to feel bad about feeling bad. This decision should have been yours and JPs to make over time, and you were robbed of that chance, stripped of your agency. In the scale of things, yes, this grief is probably lesser than others, but it's still grief - which means it stays with you forever, it sneaks up on you when you aren't expecting, you think it's faded to the background and suddenly back it roars to the foreground. I'm sorry there will be no more lag liv babies too - you do make delightful ones. Lots of love to you and JP, and the whole Lag Liv clan.

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  7. LL, I am so sad for you. You write beautifully and are so brave to share your feelings openly here. I am now pregnant with our second and have always dreamed of 3 or 4 but my husband wants to stop at 2. I hope the decision, whatever it is, will be ours to make but it makes my heart break to think we may be done after this, and the sadness creeps in when I let myself think about it. One thing that has helped is considering being a surrogate for someone else. Like you I am young and healthy, my pregnancies have been relatively uncomplicated, and that is an unearned gift I thank God for every day. Being able to share that with another family, and bring the joy of a child to their lives, might be the greatest thing I get to do with my life. As you continue to grapple with your feelings, this could be something for you to consider down the line...

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  8. I understand. There were complications during the delivery of my second baby and I had to have an emergency hysterectomy. Though our plan was always to have two kids, there is something about having the decision made for you that makes it hard to swallow. My daughter is 8 months old now and I am trying extra hard to savor these months before her 1st birthday since I know for sure this will be the last time I get to mother an infant.

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  9. I'm so sorry. I struggled with infertility for years and it sucks. I very much want to have a second child (and would have loved a 3rd and possibly a 4th) but due to health issues of my own, I don't know if I will or not. I think about it pretty much every day.

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  10. I hate that you have to experience this, and I really hope that someday, somehow, the pain lessens for you. I wish I could say something more helpful!

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  11. I'm so sorry! I don't have anything helpful or different to add, but I couldn't NOT comment. I don't know you but I've read your blog for so long that I feel like I do, and so this is just really sad to read. Your family is lovely!

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  12. How heart wrenching. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Thank you for sharing.

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  13. I am finally delurking to say how sorry I am. I love reading about your adorable family and enjoy hearing about your family's success over the years. I am so sorry that things have not gone the way that you had hoped or planned.

    I am 30 and my husband and I have tried to get pregnant for years. We found out that he is sterile as well. We cannot afford fertility treatments, so there will be no kids for us. People reassure us that we can go broke to undergo IVF treatments with a donor sperm, or adopt, but that just didn't feel right for us either. It has taken me 6 months to come to terms with this and start to move on. Just know that you are not alone in your heartache, tears, frustration, anger, etc. There are many of us out there aching just like you are. Sending hugs and happy vibes your way.

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  14. I'm so sorry. I think it is especially hard when decisions are made for you. I hope J.P. Is ok.

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  15. I am so very, very sorry for your hurt.

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  16. What I love most about you and your blog is it's always positive, happy, inspiring, and motivating (Okay, aside from the Chicago/Landon days, but even then you didn't self pity, you focused on the next step and moved forward). Some people are genuinely happy; you’re one of them and I feel it when reading your blog; it’s refreshing and reminds me to stop being bitter or angry at whatever silly thing I’ve decided to affect me. It’s hard but good to be reminded how much time I’ve wasted focusing on the wrong things and start enjoying life, kids, babies, tantrums, school, work, house remodel, husband, the mess and fun of it all. We’re having a baby, our third and as of right now our last, which has prompted me to start rummaging through old baby pictures, clothes, and videos and as I’m watching and looking a lot of it was unfamiliar, and I’m sad. Very S.A.D. The little expressions they made, their voices and the way words tried to come out, a favorite t-shirt worn almost every day, etc...The past two months a sense of guilt has taken over my body; why didn’t I soak in every minute of every age, why did I focus on the daily to-do’s that lack any significance? I’ve watched a video of my daughter on her 2nd birthday probably 10 times, each time my heart aches as I can’t remember her cubby legs, the way I did her hair or how she used her fingers as pinchers; it’s a sick self torture. And then I read your 04/28 post! It brought me down a level, reminded me that everyone struggles with something, there’s no such thing as a perfect life. I am not glad you’re having to go through this, it’s sad and probably so hard to overcome, but looking back I think “it’s been a whole year and I never once thought something was wrong”. You were able to keep a smile, focus on other happy things, keep loving your kids and JP, and realize life is still going to be awesome. It’s inspiring and motivating. I shouldn’t look back to feel guilt but to learn and start NOW with a positive attitude, love the little things, watch and be present and enjoy what’s happening in front of me. Thank you for the honesty and putting it all out there, I wish the very best for you and your amazing family and look forward to many future happy posts!

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  17. I get it. 100%. I know how you feel. My husband had a vasectomy and I wasn't ready for him to have one. Honestly, i can't fathom being pregnant again bc I hate it so much but still....I'm so sad knowing there isn't even the possibility of a fourth. It hurts. I'm so sorry that for you it was unexpected. I'm sorry how much it hurts. You are totally entitled to your feelings, no matter how many kids you have. Hugs!

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  18. I'm so sorry. I had the same thought process going into surgery to have Avery. Pretty sure we were done, but not ready to make it permanent. And then afterward my doctor gently said, "Be grateful for the three beautiful children you have" and then told us that my body couldn't handle another pregnancy. We're still not sure we're a family of 5, but I know that I'm done having babies and that's really sad.

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  19. I think you always have a sense of loss as the last child in the family grows up. We are so happy that our children are growing so sad that are children are growing so fast.

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  20. I have followed your blog for years. I am so very sorry. This is SO hard. So hard. What I find beautiful is that you seem to be very committed to your marriage even though there is obviously a lot of pain around this issue, and possibly even some feelings of betrayal (sounds like he didn't run the potential side effect by you first). The fact of the matter is that in even very good, strong marriages, there are times that we inflict pain or suffering on our spouses--even inadvertently. I can tell that JP is a wonderful, solid husband who is also a great father. And it is a mark of your character that you choose to move past your hurt and pain and to focus on your awesome family and spouse. Even though it hurts. A lot. Hugs, Lag Liv!

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