Saturday, February 22, 2014

A Week

This was my first week back at work full-time, and even with Monday being a federal holiday with schools and daycare open so I got to catch up on the one million errands I didn't get to do before starting work because of the snow and then the vacation, it was a WEEK in all caps italics and extra bold. In fact there were so many emotions and so much exhaustion and on at least one evening so many homemade Mexican martinis that I couldn't even manage a sufficient amount of perspective to be able write about it. In my semi-anonymous non-facebook linked blog. A place where very little mental or emotional distance is needed to write about anything.

So here I am, on Saturday, post-ass-kicking barre workout, and pre-belated-Valentine's sushi date night (non-pregnant me who just now clawed her way back into pre-pregnancy skinny jeans by doing lots of the exercise and eating none of the cookies (or much of anything else) will be eating ALL the raw fish and drinking nearly all the alcohol until happy hour ends. And then going to barre tomorrow), trying to figure out how to put it all into words before Cora gets up from her nap. Or maybe not? When in the midst of a rough patch it seems imperative for me to write about the roughness, to break it into all its prickly parts, excise the bad feelings, and hope to find some closure by the time the publish button is pressed. But now that I've come through it, I wonder if I should stay in the happy now and talk about the beautiful new purse I bought for my birthday instead. But then I feel dishonest, sharing only the good and skipping over the bad, which shouldn't really matter since it's my blog and I can share whatever I want, but it does matter, because this is my story and I've never purposefully and completely skipped a bad chapter before.

And so. On Tuesday, while dressed in my favorite new dress I bought to ease the pain of returning to the non-yoga-pantsed world, approximately 1 hour before the end of my first 8 hour day, I got a call I've been waiting for for ten months, regarding a case I've been working on for twenty-two. Nearly every thing I've done in my new job- all the testimony, travel, presentations, memos, etc. have related to this case, and this one call from another division within my organization would tell me if I could proceed with filing an action. And I was told I could not, for reasons that are complicated and simple and completely confidential. And though I had just been joking with a coworker about this fabled call, telling him that at this point I just wanted to know the answer and didn't even care (much) what it was, I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. My mouth opened, nothing came out, and the caller had to ask twice if I was there because I realized with panic that if I spoke out loud my voice would probably break. I managed a thanks for letting me know, let's talk in more detail later, and hung up, staring at the receiver for minutes after doing so. I could not believe how much it hurt. Not personally, the decision had nothing to do with me, but just in some vague all-consuming general way. I'd worked REALLY hard on that case for a really long time. It essentially represented my entire career at the SEC so far and now I was going to have to draft the closing memo, file it, ship all my documents and binders off to storage, and start over with an empty desk. No stat, no public result, no nothing. And then I had to walk out of my office and go tell my boss, my boss's boss, and my boss's boss's boss, all separately in a voice that didn't shake, and then go pick up my three children at two places, smile and ask about their days, hold a very tired but not allowed to go to bed yet Cora while making dinner, putting away lunch boxes, and hurriedly serving the dinner before Landon's 6:30 basketball practice. JP ran in, grabbed Landon, went to basketball, and I played with Claire and Cora while desperately wishing I was curled in a ball on the couch with a glass of wine and a mindless book or TV show or both.

At 8, all the kids were in bed, and I got to tell JP about my day, and then by 9 we were careening towards a very big, very bad fight over something that is no one's fault, can't really be fixed, and hurts us both any damn time it comes up. An ultimate no-win situation that had nothing to do with my day at work, but sure as hell didn't help it and resulted in my skipping dinner, drinking a second martini in the bathtub to calm myself down enough to take a sleeping pill and pass the fuck out before anything else could happen or I could say anything else I'd deeply regret. It worked.

Cora, bless her multiple chins, slept a solid 12 hours and the rest of the week proceeded from there. Not as bad as Tuesday, but not really much better. I am still adjusting to getting home and starting dinner on my own with the three kids. JP's business is booming, which is fantastic on all levels except the not home until 15 minutes before bedtime one. It really wouldn't be so hard except for this little mini phase we're in with Cora where she is just waking up from her last nap when I get her at daycare, so she needs to eat as soon as we get home, rendering me unable to do anything, and then when I can actually start cooking, she's fussy and tired and wants to go to bed but I can't let her because it's only 6:15 and she'll be up at 4 a.m. unless we stretch her until 7:15 when she'll magically sleep for 12 hours until 7 a.m., so I need to hold her and it's just hard. I'm with the kids, but not really with them and I find I mostly want to yell at everyone, particularly JP when he gets home. And that isn't fair because he does everything in the morning, including making lunches, making, serving, and cleaning up breakfast, and delivering everyone to their various locations. I just get myself ready and leave, scattering kisses as I go out the door. And then he does all the dishes after dinner, gives the kids their shower, and helps tuck everyone in. I am literally responsible for dinner and that's it, but this week it just felt overwhelming, and on top of the work news, the fact that I was even at work, and my unstable emotional state any (blessedly rare) time that JP and I aren't in perfect accord and, well, this is why I wasn't writing about it in real time.

Things were better by Friday. The sting of my work blow had eased. The decision is what it is and while I still have to write the closing memo and that still seems a bit like rubbing salt in a wound, again, it simply is what it is. I have a new case that looks promising and I'll move on. JP and I are good. What threw us so badly on Tuesday (and Wednesday, and a little bit yesterday) is still lurking, but I can't blog about it and can't fix it and nearly every other thing about us and our relationship is so wonderful I sometimes can't believe my luck, so why dwell? And on Wednesday, when I didn't feel like going out to lunch and talking to colleagues, I went to Macy's and bought this beautiful purse at a magical 25% off (designer stuff never goes on sale, which was a sign that it must be purchased):


I'm usually a shoe person, but I'm quite taken with this purse. It's like a smile on my shoulder. Just like the one I'm getting as I listen to JP teaching Landon how to play bananagrams one room over and when I emerged from my shower earlier to find Claire very earnestly showing Cora animal flashcards and exclaiming "good job!" over and over again (good job for smiling at the animals, I suppose, Cora can't do much else). And now I'm going to do my hair and makeup, don a work inappropriate dress, and get on with the date night table for two and the eating of all the sushi. Things are fine and really even very good, but good god it was a week I am not sad to put behind.

18 comments:

  1. I have to make dinner with 2 kids (3 and 1) at the end of the workday before my husband gets home. and it kills me. seriously. the kids need extra attention cause they've been at daycare all day. i'm tired from work.... it sucks. i started cooking lots in advance. and making crummy meals on the other days.

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  2. Thank you for this very honest post. It helps me put my own marriage-weird-spot into perspective, because it's been taking up too much space in my brain this week. It's nice to remember that we're normal!

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  3. I'm so sorry your first week back was this awful! I have one kid underfoot making the dinner prep challenging, so in my eyes you should be sainted for three! I've started prepping and freezing a lot of crock pot meals. When I know I have a particularly busy/stressful day coming, I take one out the night before. By the morning, it's defrosted enough to slide into the crockpot and forget about. You will find the balance again soon! Periods of adjustment are always tough.

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  4. That is so much the purse I've been looking for! It's

    BTW - Honesty is good. And delicately discreet honesty (which is what you manage) is even better.

    You'll find your rhythm soon - it's always hardest to get started.

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  5. *Hugs* Losing (or being taken off) a case after almost two years definitely deserves a period of mourning. And a lot of martinis. It will come together--all of it--and from where I'm sitting, you're one hell of a rock star lawyer and mom--and always in heels!

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  6. Making dinner SUCKS. Especially when all alone with everyone clamoring for your attention and needing to be held. I have had many, many breakdowns about dinner. I am so sorry about your awful week. And also envious of your beautiful purse! Such a pretty color!

    Hang in there. It will get easier!

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  7. As ever, your honesty is much appreciated. As hard as it must be to right about, it's so valuable to hear about working women who have families and real problems (as well as genuine joy and happiness).

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  8. New reader and have been reading all your post i cant get enough of them if the bad new wasnt reported i dont think i would read after all thats what makes you human.

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  9. Hang in there. Three kids and two jobs is really hard. You'll do it, it'll get easier, but if I'm honest we just simply don't eat as well as we would if I either had fewer kids or was a stay at home mom. But you know? It's fine. Trader Joes is my friend. Even if the kids don't get ancient grains cooked from scratch, they will still be eating better than most and we're all fine. Not that I'm projecting! Gah. Sorry about the case too, that's hard. Eep. TGIS!

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  10. oh, and enjoy your sushi. and add me to the list of folks glad that you write honestly. i have been a very longtime reader and think your positive attitude will take your career very far and continue to serve your family well. i want to be more like you!

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  11. You rock at all you do... Three and a full time job is hard. Have you tried wearing Cora in a sling or buckle carrier while you cook?

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  12. That purse is a beauty!

    You and JP do so much and are leading such full lives... it's only natural that there will be a few hiccups, right? Especially during a big transition that applies pressure and demands change.

    Hope sushi dinner was awesome... I miss American sushi SO MUCH!

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  13. Best invention ever- programmable crockpot. Seriously. It's what saved my sanity when I was a working mom. I would toss in the ingredients first thing in the morning, set the timer to start it cooking for the appropriate time and dinner was ready when I got home. On the weekends I would assemble the ingredients for 4-5 crockpot meals in freezer bags and freeze them so all I had to do in the mornings was empty a bag into the crockpot. So much easier!

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  14. That you STILL got in a workout in all that back to work mess! Go LL!!!!
    Desimom

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  15. I'll chime in that hearing the honest ups and downs is nice for those of us having the same ones. Sometimes your day to day descriptions are so upbeat and harmonious that I find myself wondering how you have a secret gear I haven't found yet.

    I've never gotten the crockpot thing happening - I'm so exhausted at night I can't do more food prep. I don't even know how people bathe their kids every single day, we don't have the time (and I guess I have low standards for dirtiness). When I'm on the verge of madness (I also do dinner alone) we just schedule a week that involves Costco frozen pizza and lots of pasta and raw fruit and veg. The kids never mind. Hope next week is better.

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  16. For some reason, whenever I feel out of sync in marriage (which, thankfully, is rare), the rest of my world feels so, so vulnerable. But when we are moving along nicely and happily - who cares if dinner is late, or the house is messy or the kids are dirty?!? It's so frustrating and maddening all at once.

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  17. Consider getting this e-cookbook. I love that you can prep and freeze the non-liquid ingredients and then throw it frozen into the crockpot.
    http://www.mamaandbabylove.com/2014/01/23/freezer-family-slow-cooker-freezer-recipes-every-season/fromyourfreezer_cover_final/

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  18. First of all, the purse is amazing. What a great find! Secondly, I was previously in awe if the dinners you prepared when you had two kids! So I think it is ok to let it slide for a few months when you have three. I always cook double batches on the weekend if it is a "freeze friendly" dinner, for later use down the line as a weeknight dinner. We allow ourselves one day eating out per week which is always during the work week for my sanity. Other quick dinners: quesadillas, pancakes (seriously, the kids love it), tortellini soups, stir fry with bottled sauces. Explore the ore cut fruits and veggies, they are a big time saver too. And frozen pre cooked rice. Trader Joes is great for this stuff and I highly recommend the cookbook Cooking with Trader Joes for some very quick dinner ideas. Good luck! (I am mom of three who works full time. Ages 8,6,3).

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