Tuesday, January 8, 2013

in the middle of the night

I'm sitting in the family room with the lights dimmed at 10:00. Rain is pouring down on the skylights above my head. I need to sleep. I haven't slept well in days, many days, but I have to write. As I explained to JP as he tried to pull me to bed with him a little while ago, writing is my swimming, just without the calorie-burn. Always, but particularly in times of stress, he must swim. I, it appears, must write. Not necessarily publish, as my burgeoning drafts folder proves, but write. Get the thoughts that bounce around in my head all day and all night out.

I have a draft I haven't published from every day this week. An excerpt from Saturday's:

~~~

Last night was a late night. It wasn't supposed to be. We got in bed at 10:30, after 2 more episodes of the West Wing (Netflix streaming has all 156 of them, so I'm re-addicted and JP is re-enduring) and turned out the lights. JP was quieter than normal, which means something is bothering him.

I've learned, over our 11.5 years together, that we handle botherations differently. I, probably not surprisingly, want to talk about it. Generally at least 11 times, reaching different conclusions each time, and then, when I have it all nearly settled, I need talk about it at least once more. JP is to contribute supportive sounds, but no solutions. Solutions imply that I can't solve it myself and/or that there even is a solution, two things that are rarely true regarding issues that are bothering me enough to lend themselves to the 11 + 1 number of discussions. JP, on the other hand, withdraws. He is always quieter than me, but when something is bothering him, it is deeper and it makes my heart hurt and it does no good to ask what is wrong. I can hug him more and hold his hand while he falls asleep, but the best way to help is to just be quiet with him until he resolves it or decides to talk about it. And so, lately, in the evening after the kids are in bed, we spend a lot of time being quiet together.

The lights were off and I assumed JP was asleep (those two events generally occurring simultaneously) when suddenly he said, "can you believe it's been nearly 10 years since I graduated college?" He graduated in May of 2004, so it's been 8.5, not 10.0, and in that time he's worked for an international oil company, gotten married, moved to Chicago, left the bigoil job to be an investment banker, had a child, gotten an MBA, started a company, had another child, and worked for another Fortune 100 company, so, yeah, I could believe it had been 10 8.5 years.

But I knew what he meant. And it's so hard for me to respond to statements like that (and others like the quiet, "what if I never find anything?" and, "what if no one ever hires me?" from a few days ago). Saturday's was just that this is not where he thought he would be right now. I can't imagine any unwillingly unemployed person feels that they are where they thought they'd be, and it's so hard to figure out what to say next because I graduated college with him, full of dreams of myself in 10 years and I know what he means. And I know exactly how I would brush away all the positive, optimistic things he would be saying if the situation was reversed. I said them anyway, of course, because they're real and I believe them and so should he, but it was fear of moments like that sent me reeling so hard when we found out he'd been part of the latest "workforce reduction" at his company. It wasn't money, though that simmers below, and it wasn't any sort of disappointment or long-term fear for the future, it was knowing that moments like last night were coming and that I couldn't head them off or make them better.

And then there are the nights, in the midst of an insomnia spiral at 2 a.m., that I let myself wonder, what if he doesn't find anything in the next 3 months? the next 6? How can we handle that on a practical level? How the hell can I handle it on an emotional level? How can he? And I want to shake him awake so he can make my bad thoughts go away like he always does, but I don't because I don't want to tell him those thoughts are why I'm bleary-eyed with a piercing headache 4.5 hours later while I'm getting ready for work.

~~~

When I write something after 10 p.m. I try to wait until the next day to publish it. Mostly to clear up spelling issues or random fragments of sentences I'd feverishly half-changed when, paragraphs later, I was struck with the perfect word for a thought written way up above, but also to make sure I'm still okay with making it public (and that anyone whose name pops up in the torrent would be okay with it as well). For the above excerpted draft, holding it back was as simple as having a good Sunday. We went to the zoo, the water gardens, two of our favorite parks- all free, all fun. The kids were absolutely delightful, the weather was cold and beautiful, we practically had the city to ourselves. I covered myself in the delight of the kids' squeals when the white tiger walked right up to their viewing window and laughter as they played a spontaneous game of "house" in a grassy nook of the water gardens. I was filled with gratitude for my healthy, vibrantly happy children, my loving, also healthy husband, my job, our home, our pudgy but steadfast dog who didn't run out to the street even when we left the driveway gate open for 3 hours while he was in the backyard after our walk. As I worked on a complicated 15-step, 5-pan lemon rosemary braised chicken with whipped potatoes recipe on Sunday night, I reminded myself that even though we can't eat out, I can still fill my cart with delicious, healthy ingredients and I have time every night to cook with them. Perspective was within my grasp, and I vowed again to put new words and energy behind my support for JP.

But then the middle of the night comes again. And the week starts and there's no news, so few jobs, every one he can find already applied for, and it hurts. He just found out another possible position is no longer being filled and yet another has pushed hiring back to an undefined future date and all evening I look over at him on the couch we're sharing and he's a million miles away in a world of self-doubt and loathing I can't seem to pierce. I try, and he pats my hand and smiles, and goes under again. And I know four months isn't that long, particularly when it falls over the holidays and year-end, and there's genuine reason to believe things will pick up early in the New Year- I know that and I truly believe it when I remind him of the same, and yet, it is has been 125 days of no news and no change and it is hard when it seems like nothing is even on the horizon. It is so hard and he is sad and that makes me sad too and I find that lately I can either write about this or write nothing at all. And when I write nothing I stay up late turning over phrases in my head until I get out of bed and write them down anyway. Write them down and save them and go back to bed and put his hand in mine some more.

It is hard.

25 comments:

  1. LL, I'm so sorry. Fwiw, my DH has a good job but I still have middle of the night anxiety about it. Somehow, since it's him and not me, it makes me more anxious than my own career. Part of it is, I think, the lawyer's personality of always worrying. I know he's worried too, but maybe try not to project? Has his MBA school career services helped at all?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Know that someone is praying ...... for both of you.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. As someone who is unwillingly unemployed, I can say that there isn't much you can do. It's just the beating up that we seem to do to ourselves even when we know our significant other still loves us and knows that we're doing all that we can to get working. It's also a large part to do with how terrible the job application process is, especially now. Getting some feedback and info and not just in a job application status limbo might be a small win. I just know that the highs and lows will eventually end up in a job, even on those days when it feels like I'll never get employed. If anyone has any ideas about how to stop feeling so sh*tty about it from the unemployed or spouse of the unemployed I'd love to hear it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. What Izzie said-- I'm there too, and mine has been nearly-- eek, I won't write that because it will make both of us feel worse. I am ready to work, I am flexible, I am experienced,,,,and as I wait and keep applying and sending lengthy apps down that dark hole, I get older and the ads become, even more frequently, for the "1-5 year attorney" and I am "too experienced" even though they know that doesn't mean "too expensive."

    I agree that a foul mood makes the whole family feel foul, so the mood-holder tends to withhold. I do blame myself for making an ill-timed career change in 2007, getting caught in the recession, jeopardizing everyone else's plans, and digging us deeper in debt.

    What a cheery subject for midnight! Hugs to you, girl.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Also praying for both of you, LL.
    virtual hugs

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your transparency and ability to communicate the feelings of the situation are a gift. I am glad that writing is your swimming. Unwillingly unemployed is a challenge for everyone involved. Wishing you sleep and headache free days!

    ReplyDelete
  7. When my husband was laid off I had all those same thoughts. It is hard, it is so hard. Not that this helps, but he ultimately took a job he hated for a few months and than landed a job he loves. It came with a pay cut but we are making it.

    I know this doesn't help, but it will be okay. This right now, sucks. It does, it sucks, so, so much.

    ReplyDelete
  8. We're here for you so post away. Get all the heartache out on paper so you can continue being strong for your family. You're doing AMAZINGLY well. I'm so impressed by you. Will be praying for JP. Every week in church our congregation prays for the unemployed and underemployed -- now I know whose name to attach to that prayer in my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  9. So sorry LL! I can tell that both you and JP are strong and very Lucky to have each other!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I feel for you both....back in early December my DH lost his job after spending 5 years in pharmaceutical sales with the same big time company. It was a complete shock, totally unexpected. We were able to temporarily ignore the looming issue with the holidays fast approaching and just enjoyed the fact that the kids were home from the sitters more and got to spend lots of time with daddy. Now the holidays are over...the new year has started...and we both wonder what's next every single minute of the day. My DH graduated with his BS and BA in Dec 2005...has had two jobs, got married, bought a house, bought land, completely remodeled and added onto the house, had two kids, and the list goes on. We, too, have been thinking a lot about the ''10 years since college'' fact A LOT! Me more so than him since I graduated in Fall 2003 and am technically closer to ten years than him.

    Bottom line is you all are not alone. Crunching numbers that have never needed to be 'crunched' before, calculating the cost of living per month just to pay the basic bills, limiting credit card use, endless job applications, spending more time at home and less time out spending money, less/no eating out....we are in the EXACT same boat! We feel for you guys!

    Best Wishes!
    Teresa -IL

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm sorry you guys are going through this...it's so miserable, both to be someone job searching, and being with someone who feels terrible because they're job searching and haven't got anything yet, and you can't make them feel better. I'm sure JP will get something amazing, but I realize that job hunting right now is just awful and there's not really anything you can do about that. Anyway, I also wanted to say, beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sending lots of hugs and good vibes. My hubby was not only unwillingly unemployed but not eligible for unemployment benefits (for almost 2 years!) And I was in an industry that was downsizing--so I was in constant fear of losing my job as well. I honestly don't know how we made it.

    It was so hard watching hubby sink into depression as he took every rejection personally--even though I tried my best to help him see that it was not personal. It was also hard to suffer financially--while we watched so many others "living it up"--shopping, going out to eat, vacations, etc. It was a very humbling experience, and I became so much more grateful for the things you have mentioned: good health, delightful kids, my job, and that we were somehow surviving this.

    He's been working for almost 6 months now--at a place that he likes and that likes him (at a pretty substantial cut in pay--but hey it's more than he was making for almost 2 years!!)

    Best wishes as you go through this.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sending hugs. I admire how well you are handling this difficult situation.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is so hard. Six years ago, I was unemployed after five years in a job. It took six months to find a job and through that time I kept wondering if I would ever work again. And, of course, when one offer came, so did another.
    Those six months were a horrible time for me. And, it was a lot longer than ten years out of school. I had been out, and employed, for almost twenty years. I doubted everything. My career, my choices, my viability in the market place.
    I have children about your age, and I remind them that they came into the work force at one of the worst times in our history. Life will not always be like this. And, as the economy improves, you will be in a position of having proven experience and skills. It will be okay.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Not for the same reasons perhaps but I think many of us are up at night. Try the long lens if you can. Hugs.
    Desimom

    ReplyDelete
  16. I've been in JP's spot (for 13 of the worst months of my life), and it sucks. There is nothing, unfortunately, that you can say or do to lessen the pain and self-loathing that comes with being unemployed. He knows, deep down, that it'll be ok. But getting hit in the face with it day after day takes it's toll. You and JP are both in my thoughts. I hope he finds something soon.

    ReplyDelete
  17. The economy stinks! So many good men are out of work. The job market is brutal for so many very qualified people. As a 26 year survivor of the corporate jungle.... I offer this piece of advice to your good looking husband-- reconsider the facial hair.

    ReplyDelete
  18. LL, Sorry it's so hard; I'll be sending good energy your way and wishing the best for you. Unemployment is unfair to everyone, yet every time you write about this I feel extra outraged that it should happen to such a wonderful partner and parent as JP.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ll, "graduated from college." I know you love grammar. I really admire the honesty of this post. You guys are so strong and will get through.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm sorry, money stuff is the worst because its tied to every other thing in your life. Here's hoping for something wonderful for him soon.

    Has he considered taking on swim lessons in the meantime? Is that even an option?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Delurking to say how much this post spoke to me. Although the situations are reversed (I am the wife/nearly lawyer, husband is employed, but not where he wants to be) I am just coming to the same conclusions. I have moments of overwhelming gratitude that we are happy and healthy and all that jazz, and moments of - ugh neither of us are where we want to be 10 years out (of high school for us). And while I want to talk every fear and insecurity to death, husband would much prefer to shrink into his own head. And although money is of course the scariest, realest issue, it's all those other "why am i not good enough" thoughts that really make you crazy. Wow - all that to say I know exactly how you feel (although of course you expressed it so much better than I ever could) and thank you for writing this. I really needed this, today especially. - Rebecca

    ReplyDelete
  22. LL, my uncle owns an oil/investment co in Houston. Is that too far away? I can ask him... (I don't know you at all, or JP or his expertise, but I love your blog and feel for your family). -simi.hoque@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  23. Seeing your partner feel so disempowered as a person and a co-provider for lack of employment is one of the most heart-wrenching feelings I've known. My husband works freelance and his "slow times" have been some of the hardest on our marriage. I always try to stay positive and be supportive without being smothering but also not too flip and all the while trying not to overvocalize my own worries about our finances, our future, where we are going to live, what will it mean for my career if we have to make a major choice (and how it makes me, the planner, freak the FREAK out)... blah blah blah in a circle and around again. I've been there, and it's horrible and I wish you strength to get through this time.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Ugh. This really sucks. I just wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Like "oh if I can just get through 6 more months of being broke I'll find this great job and it'll be a distant memory"... but at least for me, there isn't. I can't even bring myself to blog about it because it's just so damned depressing and I don't want to be the person who always has some bitching and moaning to do.
    The positive is that JP is lucky he has you to just be there. And that he's not alone. The dad of the people I babysit for god laid off last week. It's happening to all sorts of people it shouldn't be happening to. It's shitty to be in good company with something like this, but he's in good company.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I am so sorry. I said a prayer for you guys. I really hope he finds something soon. :(

    Sending good thoughts your way. I'm also addicted to West Wing right now, but by the end of the post that seemed a lot less important.

    ReplyDelete