Vermin and Varmints

I started to write this last week, then I started to write it yesterday, and now I must publish it today because every day that goes by adds a new insect or creature to the list of things that have entered my house VERY EXTREMELY UNINVITED. It was a long week. I had just flown in from Chicago on Sunday night when JP immediately left for Austin. I had a terrible, skull splitting headache, so after the kids were asleep I went to draw myself a nice bath. I love our new bathtub. It has clean lines, a deep center, and only cost $140 (I'm still close enough to the project that I like almost everything in relation to how much it cost, maybe in a few months I won't see dollar signs everywhere; also, it only cost $140 because of a sale, a coupon, and the initial delivery of the wrong tub which resulted in many phone calls, a 10-day delay, and a 50% off credit for the post-sale, post-coupon price).

So, my bath. I leaned over to turn on the water from my favorite water spout (that I would adore even if it hadn't been on sale) and I see teeny tiny grey things moving around in my tub. Like 200 teeny tiny grey things. And then I see them jumping. Then I see them on the sides of the walls around the tub and on the floor and in my sink. I promptly freak out and call JP. I am a strong, independent woman and I am not afraid of bugs when they are outside in the wilderness where they belong. But the minute they enter my home I kind of lose it. I feel invaded and I hate them and I want to shiver and shake and brush invisible insects off my body while scouring my skin under hot water. This is why we paid a few hundred dollars to have the entire house sprayed with toxic chemicals the week before we moved in, and why we continue to pay the company to come back and do a sweep with kid/pet-friendly supposedly insect-unfriendly chemicals every month or two. I DO NOT LIKE BUGS IN THE HOUSE. I think we had 10 in our house the whole time we lived in Austin and each time I wanted the bug company to come back and spray. I'm kind of princess and the pea about the whole thing.

Back to Sunday. I call JP and our conversation goes something like this:

Me: there are a million teeny tiny bugs in our bathtub!
JP: oh, don't worry, the bug guy said they're just springtails. They don't hurt anything and they'll die off in a month or so when it gets really hot. They can't do much for them.
Me: A MONTH?! THEY'RE IN MY BATHTUB AND I WANT TO TAKE A BATH AND I WANT TO DO IT ALONE.
JP: Be one with the springtails, seriously, they won't hurt you.
Me: [hanging up to kill springtails with a vengeance]

So I killed them all, cleaned the tub out with clorox spray, and took my bath. The next morning, they were back. The battle raged on all week.

Then, on Saturday, I decided we would clean the whole house from top to bottom, unpack the last few boxes, and hang all the pictures on the walls as my Mother's Day present. JP was at swim practice, but at 7:15 I was up and vacuuming the sunroom in preparation for mopping. I pulled away our shoe basket and there was a SNAKE. A 10-inch long, smallish, but still 100% snakeish SNAKE. I jumped back, because I was barefoot and it was early and I just wanted to vacuum my house, and then I almost landed (barefoot) on a giant black horny beetle. I did not scream at the snake, but I did scream at the beetle and the fact that I should be able to be barefoot in my own goddamn home without risk of death or impalement by snake or beetle. And then I called JP. He was lifting weights. Our conversation went something like this:

JP: Yeah.
Me: Snake!!
JP: What?
Me: Snake and a beetle! A giant pointy beetle!
JP: What?!
Me: IN OUR HOUSE! Snake and a beetle, SNAKEANDABEETLE! COMEHOME.
JP: Where? Is it alive?
Me: Sunroom, where OUR CHILDREN are eating their breakfast and I am vacuuming barefoot. And I don't know. It hasn't moved. And I think they're upside down.
JP: So... they're dead then.
Me: Irrelevant. Come home.

Claire and Landon both wanted to touch the dead bloated smelly snake, I just wanted to throw up and move back to Austin. JP came home forever later and dealt with it, giving Landon a lesson in snake biology on the way out the door.

Then yesterday I found springtails in the family room and on the floor of our bedroom, so they've moved beyond the bathroom. And they're still in my tub and even though they are so tiny and they don't bite or eat or destroy anything, I hate them and I want them out of my house. So last night when I couldn't sleep I was googling "springtail extermination" until my eyes crossed. A different bug company is coming out tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. and they have promised to kill every living thing that is not human or canine in our house.

And then tonight, while I sat in my bed browsing etsy for living room decor, I saw several long antish looking insects with wings crawling around on our white quilt. I googled them. They are termites. TERMITES. Swarming termites to be exact and I can apparently expect many more to be showing up shortly. Also, I probably have an infestation. I might cry. I'm probably going to cry.

On the upside, I no longer care about the springtails.