Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I've tried to write something over the past two days, but my thoughts seemed too scattered. My emotions are too, which I'm not used to, and I think that's making it hard for me to write about any one thing- something super upbeat seems false, but something depressing does too. I'm bouncing around somewhere in the middle- little things are bothering me, but overall things are good, so we're going with bullet points of thought:
  • JP has decided he likes that Hoarders TV show on A&E. I can't handle it. He was watching it last night while I was turned around, cuddling into his shoulder finishing up a book (my 4th this week, my reading addiction has ramped up lately), but I couldn't focus. The little glimpses I got off the TV made me feel so dirty and disorganized and sad that I couldn't even kiss him when he tried to during a commercial. Compulsive hoarding is clearly a mental disorder, so the disgust I feel isn't for the people, it's the situation, and the children and pets so often involved. JP finally turned it off when he saw I really wasn't going to touch him until he did, and even then it took me a few minutes to shake it off.
  • Clairebear is teething. She was up three times last night crying with both fists shoved in her mouth. JP got up all three times and I could hear him singing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" through the monitor. When I tried to get up the third time, around 4:30 a.m., he just kissed me on my shoulder and said, "you have to work in the morning." It's the little things that keep you falling in love over again. I don't think I ever said that to him when it was Landon and he was the one working.
  • Remember when I wrote about my upcoming maternity leave and how I didn't think I wanted the extra time or the phase in? Turns out I do. I can't have it- not without creating credit card debt we've never had, suspending payments on loans I want gone as soon as possible, and being stressed out about money every single day I'm not being paid, so I've come to terms with it, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.
  • I've been dreaming about the DCFS nightmare. I don't know why, there's nothing to spark it except maybe the fact that Claire is now the same age Landon was when it happened (actually, she's a month older). In my dreams I wake up before we reach any kind of resolution, so I'm just suspended in a horror I can't turn off at 3 a.m. and I have to sternly remind myself that everything worked out fine. But the "what ifs" are haunting if you let them get out of control.
  • Dreaming about it has made me wonder if we'll ever tell Landon what happened. I assumed we would. I'm not big on family secrets and since a few thousand other people know, it's odd that he wouldn't. It's also in my blog, which he could certainly read one day. But at the same time, what's to serve by telling it? He doesn't remember; it's not a part of our life now. And it's scary. Even at the age I am now I think I'd be upset to find out my parents went through that, that it can happen, that it happened to me. So I don't know. If we ever did, it wouldn't be a sit down blow-by-blow discussion. Maybe just a brief overview, probably glossing over the shelter time, to explain the occasional veiled reference to it by us or someone else.
  • I'm 8 lbs. away from my pre-baby weight. To celebrate I ate a big piece of cookie cake with JP last night. All 8 lbs. must be squarely in my stomach because my top and bottom halves appear back to normal, yet my old jeans seem eons away from fitting.
  • I forgot to mention that I finished my FAQs. I'll add more as I get new questions.

I feel better for getting all of that down, now it's back to work. I packed my lunch today and feel very proud of myself. Happy Tuesday to you all!


  1. I like this post-- I think you do such a good job of putting your feelings together in an orderly manner. What feels unfocused to you is actually quite orderly to a scatter-brain like me. Transitions are tough, no way around it-- but is sounds like you are handling things beautifully.

  2. I can't believe Landon was so little when all of that was going on. Absolutely horrible. Hopefully you'll have a dream with some resolution so you can get some rest!

    It's so hard to go back to work. And you have a great partner in JP!

  3. As to the telling or not telling, we have such different issues but A and I have also wondered how or when we'll ever explain to B what happened. The scars he carries mean we will have to face it sometime, but I can only imagine explaining it to him in stages. First as a story with a happy ending, about how there was a sad time but it turned out ok and his scars show what a tough boy he is. We'll add the more realistic details about what happened once he's much older, I'd think.

    Some things are also just impossible to understand until you're an adult, even in regular parenting. I find that I have a different perspective on what my parents must have felt, the older I get. So maybe this is something our boys will only really be able to understand when they, too, are adults.

  4. 1. What are you reading? What have you read recently that you liked?

    2. The body changes after baby #2 definitely seemed stranger than with #1. Makes me even more jealous of Heidi Klum!

  5. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling flustered.

    One comment - i dont want this to sound wrong, but honestly, when you wrote that original maternity leave post, I remember thinking, "you know, when maternity leave is done right -- when you really bond with the baby -- you don't want it to end. I hope for her sake she comes back to this post and realizes it."

    It had occurred to me at the time (and you blogged about it a year ago) that because of Landon's reflux and other issues, including the DCFS thing, you had a hard time bonding with him the first year. The fact that you WANT your maternity leave extended means that you haven't had any trouble bonding with Claire. Which is a good thing! So, all these words to say - that your sadness is a good thing. You love Claire and Landon both!

  6. I've recently start watching Hoarders too. I find the psychological aspects of it fascinating-what makes these people tick? But I've also become so emotional during some episodes that I can't bear to watch anymore. I could never watch Animal Hoarders, that's for sure. On the flip side, my house has never been cleaner!

  7. I don't know how you don't have constant nightmares about that particular time in your life. The fact that you've been able to move past it (and have another kid) speaks volumes to your strength and resilience.

    As for Hoarders, that show makes me very, very uncomfortable and sad. I can't watch it.

  8. I think that if I were Landon I would want to know. I also think that the story speaks to your strength both as a couple and as individuals. I think it is an important story to tell. Although feel free to disregard my opinion as I also know that you'll make the best decision for your family in the end, I think it will be become clearer as he gets older.

    Good luck with the back to work aspects, I am sure it cannot be easy. As a fellow lawyer who is planning on getting pregnant in the next year, I am inspired and in awe over how well you balance it all.

    Also- you mentioned a while back that you would likely write a post about how you discipline Landon. I am very interested in hearing about it if you are still planning to write it :).


  9. Take care of yourself. Transitioning back is rough, and coupled with the DCFS things coming up, getting through intact is really the primary goal. It will get easier.

    PS-Yay for packing, AND remembering, your lunch!

  10. I think it's probably natural to not be completely ready to work full-time quite yet...your attention is being pulled in even more directions than it was before you had two kids. At least you know Claire is being well cared for, probably supervised by Landon, and you have a supportive husband with a flexible schedule. I'm sure it will get easier and you'll get through this transition.

  11. The anniversary effect can really bite - even when it's years later. Sometimes the emotional fallout is like you're just transported back in time and it's actually happening again. No doubt Claire being around the same age and the stress (no matter how subtle) of the transition back to work brought it on.

    Do you accept cyberhugs?
    Just remember - this too shall pass.

    Dr. MMC, signing off for the day ;-)

  12. I absolutly second the cyberhugs, LL :)

    You know, you are even more inspiring when we catch those glimpses of scattered-ness sometimes. You handle it all so gracefully.

    Keep up the good work (person, wife, mom, lawyer!). Best,:)MJS

  13. I know I've read through all your posts on the horrible DCFS thing, but I can't remember if you were able to get therapy during/after? It can do so much for anxiety and post traumatic stress.

    And hoarders totally freaks me out as well.. the ones pulling the animal skeletons out from other stuff is just unbelievably sad. I can't believe people find it entertaining!! Though my mom.. my friends.. etc. all do - I think it must be more like a car accident you see on the highway, you just can't look away :-P

  14. Hoarder shows freak me out, because it's a disease and so sad. (Not to mention my mother has hoarding tendencies and my father is a collector.) I could watch that BBC show where the cleaning women come in and clean the disgusting messes, but the hoarding aspect of it disturbed me.

    I keep a "Transition Checklist" that was printed in a newsletter sent to all lawyers in my state by the State Attorney Assistance Program. I put it in my (personal, written) to do list and just keep paperclipping it to each new page, because it helps me so much. Some of the things on the list were "Take your time," "Don't act for the sake of action," etc. But the best one for me is "Expect times of anxiety, expect old fears to be triggered." Having the anniversary AND the transition back to work (the good mom/bad mom false dichotomy) at the same time is a lot to be dealing with.


  15. I also watch Hoarders...the hardest part for me is when they say they want to change and recognize it as a disease, then freak out over throwing out trash when they are close to losing their kids. I am still drawn to it...

    I hope you are able to relax the rest of the week. I hate bad dreams. They rob you of much needed rest and then make it so your mind can't turn off. Props to JP! Not for getting up, but for doing it without complaining:) My husband works so I never asked him to, but with our first we had a deal where he would stay up Friday nights and I would sleep...it was heaven and majorly needed.

    As for reading, can't remember if you liked Twilight or not. I've read some great stuff similar to that lately: The Hollow and The Haunted by Jessica Verday, Immortal and Betrayal by Gillian Shields, Evernight and Stargazer by Claudia Gray...way into "tween" lit, embarassing since I just turned 35. And thanks for mentioning the Outlander series a while ago. I think I only have 2 books to go.

  16. Sounds like you have what we in these parts are calling "quake brain"

    Although Texas is quite a long way from Christchurch, so you shouldn't really be getting the aftershocks!

    But maybe aftershocks from The Nightmare (loss of control of our time and all) are normal after such a big upheaval, and sometimes they come to light when faultlines come under stress

  17. PS - I think you'd be awesome in a quake.