Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Ice Cream and Having it All

I never eat ice cream at home.  I'll buy some at the store every now and then but always end up throwing it away a few months later when it's covered in ice crystals.  I do love the stuff and frequently buy it when I'm out, enjoying every bite of my overpriced scoop, even as the cheap part of me screams that I could get a whole gallon for what I just payed.  I do the same thing with alcohol.  JP and I still have bottles of liquor he bought when he turned 21 almost 7 years ago- we very rarely drink at home even though we both hate that we spend 10x more at a bar.  Anyway, the point is that neither heartbreak nor stress nor my in-laws has ever sent me to the ice cream hidden deep in my freezer, but two days home with a toddler has been eating out of the container with a spoon at 2:30 in the afternoon.  

Since the Bar I've been asked quite a bit what I think about starting work.  I always respond that I'm excited and looking forward to it, and that's the truth, but it seems superficial.  I've been looking for my deeper, more conflicted feelings, but I haven't found any yet.  I think about the hours, about the loss of control of my schedule, about the time away from Landon, and then I remember that all jobs would involve those things to some extent.  Not working is not an option I entertain, even when I'm lying in bed at night thinking about all kinds of crazy paths my life could take.  It's not even the financial necessity- though with a house, loans, a husband in grad school, a toddler, and two large, hungry dogs, that is certainly there.  It's the fact that I'm fundamentally not meant to stay at home.

I could be good at it, I suppose.  Our house is clean and decorated, I do the laundry, run errands, pay the bills, and even plan to make dinner tonight, but none of that makes me happy or satisfied beyond the fact that it's pleasant to have clean clothes and a meal that isn't cereal.  I do love being with Landon and I'm cherishing our time together, but even while I close my eyes to freeze certain perfect moments in my memory, I know that much of my enjoyment comes from the fact that this will end.  I start work in two weeks.  This is why I chased him around the living room long after my knees were sore and I thought of ten things I should be doing instead.  This is why I held him and read to him and sang songs far in excess of our usual pre-nap routine.  I'm able to cherish it, to love it, because I know we have 13 days left before days like today will be relegated to weekends, holidays, and vacations.  I'm sure that should make me sad, but as I realized while digging into my gallon of vanilla bean ice cream topped with mini chocolate chips, it doesn't, and that's okay.  When I start work he will go to a wonderful daycare.  He will play with other babies in a sun-filled room of windows and toys and experienced teachers.  He will have a happy mother who doesn't look at the clock and count down until nap time, he will have a happy father who is equally involved in his care, and he will grow up watching his parents pursue their dreams, support each other, and love him.  

I frequently hear women say they want to be examples for their daughter, showing her she can successfully pursue both a career and family, but I think it's just as important- possibly more important - to be an example for your son.  As a girl I was constantly told I could do anything- be anything I wanted to be, and I believed it.  But as an adult, as a wife and mother, I know that isn't true unless the person you marry believes it too.  JP and I split everything- nothing, including all things baby (except pregnancy, that was all me), household chores, and cooking, is "my" job.  This, more than any girl power poster or teacher's comment is why I believe I'll be able to have the career I've worked for and the family life I've always wanted.  I hope Landon's wife will have that choice too. 

Of course I do worry about how my career will affect Landon, but I know that I've made each decision along the way with him in mind (long before I was even pregnant) and I will continue to do so.  He won't have the mom I had - at home, ready with an afternoon snack when I walked in the door from school, and that makes me a little sad- I wouldn't change my childhood for anything in the world.  But I am not my mother, a fact that has often been a source of frustration for me, but one that is true.  Sometimes I wish that I wanted to stay home - when Landon snuggles against me before his nap or when we're sitting on the floor of the play room making faces at each other... but I don't.  It's a simple truth but one that makes my decision easy.  Will there be sacrifices along the way, times when I miss something or resent my corporate commitments?  Absolutely.  But I know I'm on the right path, even if it can't be the perfect one, and I expect that will help quite a lot. 

13 comments:

  1. You are going to do great! Charlie has always thrived in day care and you said it yourself in another post--Landon loves being with other children. You and JP are excellent role models and it sounds like you will continue to have a balanced, enjoyable family life throughout Landon's life. Enjoy the vanilla bean...yum!

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  2. A happy and fufilled Mama is a good Momma. I'm glad you have this time to spend with him. I think you just have to do what is right for you. Someday if you decide staying home is right for you then do it but I don't believe in doing something if your heart isn't in it.

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  3. You are so lucky to have strong feelings about this and a firm decision. I take one look at my week-old baby and am racked with guilt and doubt about the subject. Your reasoning makes good sense and I'm glad it works for you, but I am definitely feeling the stay-home urge.

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  4. The "having it all" thing has always bothered me a bit. It is certainly empowering to hear from a young age that you can be anything you want to be, but it's somewhat misleading. There are some things you won't be able to become, no matter how hard you try (due to lack of aptitude/resources/whatever), and you can't excel at all of the things you CAN be all of the time (which is to say that you can aspire to be ballarina/rocket scientist/brain surgeon when you grow up, but you can't realistically expect to be all of those things at the same time). To me, "having it all" is really about knowing which parts of "it all" matter most to you, prioritizing accordingly and letting go of (or getting help with) the rest. It sounds like you are well on your way to figuring out which parts of "it all" matter most to you.

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  5. Amen, sister. I am so with you. It is just not in my blood to be a stay-at-home mom -- as much as I love my son, I need to do something of my own, outside the home, to feel fulfilled. And I agree with you that it's good for our kids to see that both Mommy and Daddy can go to work, change diapers, do the dishes, play sports, and everything else.

    My mom always worked full-time, leaving home around 7 a.m. and returning around 6 p.m. each day, and I never felt the least bit neglected, so I think I'm less conflicted about it than I would be otherwise. In fact, I was always really proud of her -- she's an electrical engineer and had to make her way as an immigrant and a woman in a heavily male-dominated field, and she loves her career and has succeeded in it. I think my career aspirations are heavily informed by watching her, and seeing that it's possible to have a job you love.

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  6. I agree with Becca. If you aren't going to be happy/relaxed at home, it isn't what is best for Landon. If you find after a few years of working that it isn't working, you can always change - work part time or not at all.

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  7. This really resonates with me. I had to learn it the hard way, meaning that I didn't, at first, want to go back to work. However, with my second I was ready, and I feel so much better balanced, a better mommy, with work in my life.

    I think you are going to love being a career mom, and Landon is going to be so, so proud to claim you as his. :)

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  8. It's nice to see someone who's honest about not wanting to stay at home with their children. Women shouldn't have to feel guilty about pursuing a career. I think society makes us feel guilty about it, but if you don't feel that staying home is the right thing for you then you shouldn't. Langdon would grow up feeling neglected or unhappy if you forced yourself to stay at home with him when you wanted to pursue a career. I think you're making the right choice for you.

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  9. As Hanah's comment reflects, some women have conflicting emotions on this topic and it's not so black-and-white. I also agree with Gabrielle - you can't have it all. I wish I could work and, yet, not be away from my daughter. But that's not possible. How I am going to reconcile my emotions is still a dilemma.

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  10. Of course some women feel conflicted, I would guess a majority do. My biggest internal conflict has been coming to terms with the fact that I don't. I think no matter which path you take there will be days when you question it and days when you wish things could be different. I'm certain I will have days when it hurts to drop Landon off at daycare, just like if I stayed home there would be days when I wished there was a daycare to take him. The path is never perfect, I'm just thankful to know which one is the best for me.

    And I agree that "having it all" is a ridiculous phrase. It's just the one generally used for these discussions and something short to put in the title. Everything you do in life involves choices, sacrifices, and priorities. I may have a great career and relationship with my children, but my house will probably never be as organized as I'd like and I will be out of shape with a squishy stomach. Absolutely no one can have it all, but I think (hope) that most of the time you can have what is most important to you.

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  11. I come back to your blog again and again because of the quality of your writing. This post, as well as the time and thought that went into it, is exceptional. Your recognition that you are not your mother, and therefore it is normal and healthy for your household to operate differently than your childhood home, is so eloquently presented. Thank you for writing.

    I am starting law school this week as a very nontrad career switcher. Pray for me!

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  12. I have to disagree. 1st of all you seem to have some underlying guilt about all this just based on your writings. If your heart is telling you something else, maybe you should follow it. The reassurance your looking for should not come from a blog.
    2nd I firmly believe this is the most important time in your kids life, what they will become is sewn early. Do you want some daycare minmum wage worker being the primary influence in his life. They will spend more time and have more contact with your child in 1 day then you will in 1 week.
    Being a 1st year lawyer is tough... long hours.. late nights and lots of homework. Think long and hard about whats more important for you and him. This is a lifelong decsion, everything he will become rests on it. Choose wisely.

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  13. Very good point about being an example to our sons! i think there are multiple ways to do this, but I think you're absolutely right in that the examples that we set for them are going to be extremely influential in how they treat, and what they expect from, the women in our lives. I want my son to be a feminist too.

    Do I feel sad that I'm going back to work? Yes, but I don't feel conflicted about it...maybe conflicted about my job, but not about wanting to work doing something...

    Love Landon rocking out with his walker too! Very cute.

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