Untenable

It's been a few days since I've posted. We got back from Galveston around 2 pm on Monday. The kids finally went to sleep at 10:45 that Sunday night and have since reverted back to their normal fall-asleep-immediately-at-7:30 selves. Thank goodness because I feel like we're barely hanging on right now and kids who fight bedtime are simply not something we can handle.

The adjustment to JP working full-time has been... difficult. I don't think it would be so bad to have two normal working parents. But having a full-time BigLaw litigator with a busy deposition and upcoming trial travel schedule + a full-time business division leader with a 45-60 minute commute and an 80+ hour work week is simply untenable. Luckily my job is both very flexible and very close to home. I can leave every day at 5:30 and get the kids at 5:45. I can clean containers, sippy cups, and lunch boxes, chop and prepare food for the next day's lunches, make dinner, feed the dogs, serve dinner, clean up dinner, do bath time, read books, tuck the kids in bed, feed the cat, do laundry, and then log back in to work the extra two hours I missed during the day because I did the daycare drop-off and pick-up and I hate making the kids leave the house too early in the morning. I can do all of that, and it's fine and the kids are happy and our schedule hasn't really changed, but I can't do all of it forever.

JP is leaving the house at 5 a.m. and getting home at 9 p.m. (and then working at the kitchen table till 11 or 12). Some days he makes it home in the middle of dinner, most days he doesn't. Some days he can be there in the morning, most days he can't. I miss him, miss our time together, miss his help- and hate that when I'm frustrated and tired of doing everything, I can't even yell at him because he quite literally cannot do more. We call him on the phone at night and Landon asks where he sleeps. Claire cried when he picked her up yesterday. Not. Tenable.

I don't know the point of writing this, except perhaps to gift it to those who liked to tell me I had it too easy or my blog should come with a warning label. As I say every night when he calls and tells me resignedly that he'll be home late again, "it is what it is." I knew I'd feel the loss of JP as an awesome stay-home-most-of-the-day husband, but I understood that he wanted to pursue the career he went to business school to begin. I'd want that too. And we knew he'd work a lot, but we had no idea he'd work this month. Apparently there's some sort of crisis because he said all of his co-workers are complaining a lot about the unusually high hours. I hope it changes soon. Our goal is to make it a year. In one year we can pay off all my student loans with an interest rate of 7% or greater (nearly $60,000 worth; sadly, not quite half my total). I'll make myself calm down about the rest of it (I've never even had a credit card balance before, debt stresses me the f- out) and we'll reevaluate. If his schedule doesn't change by September, we'll reevaluate sooner. I can't do 100% of the home/child tasks and my job, and when push comes to shove, I still make twice what he does, so if one of us needs to make a change, it has to be him. Plus, while he genuinely likes his work and his co-workers, it's killing him to see so little of the kids (and I can't imagine they appreciate it much either).

Two nights ago, when I was talking to JP on his 10 pm drive home (because his commute is now the only time we can talk), he asked how daycare pick-up went. "Good," I said, wanting to move on to a discussion of our weekend plans. "But what did Claire do when she saw you?" pressed JP, "Did she smile and clap? or just smile?" "Umm, both, I think?" "Did she run up to you or did you walk over to get her? Did she give you a hug? Was she holding her favorite green snail toy?"

Wow, I thought, as he made me recount in great detail exactly how the Biscuit greeted me, he really misses them. And he misses being part of all the logistics that I want to complain about. And then, after years of wishing he had a traditional, steady-paying corporate job, I found myself saying, "have you thought about starting another swim school?"

My Summer Vacation

Three weeks ago, when JP and I were both working way too much, I decided that our plan to forego a family vacation in order to spend money solely on our high-interest grad school debt was a terrible idea. This revelation came to me at 1 a.m. and by 1:30 a.m. we had a condo booked for two nights in Galveston. It's not exotic, but I didn't want to waste much time traveling (4 hour drive), didn't want to do much research (I'd stayed there when I was a kid), and didn't want to spend much money (only 2 nights and bringing all our own food). Landon was thrilled and JP and I were getting pretty excited ourselves.

A week later JP found out he absolutely couldn't miss work that Monday. That stunk, but we decided to take two cars so the kids and I could stay the 2nd night (the condo had a 2 night minimum with no refunds). We remained doggedly excited. The four co-workers who sit closest to me in the office had returned from their fabulous destination- Italy, France, Colorado, and Disneyworld, so I was even more determined that our sad little vacation was going to be FUN.

And it was, until right now. It's 10pm on my solo 2nd night, and Landon is awake in his room watching a movie after crying FOREVER (it blew his mind to see a bedroom with a TV in it; a way bigger shock than the giant freaking ocean out his window), Claire is in my bed sleeping fitfully (a first for both of us; she usually sleeps like a rock and I've never had one of my kids in my bed before), and I'm thinking we should have taken one car, left today, and eaten the cost of the condo. I don't think my kids have ever fought sleep this much. I'm so tired (stayed up way too late the last two nights reading) and they're both in that hellish wakeful, yet exhausted and very tearful place.

--- 45 minutes later ---

And now it's 10:45. I found Landon watching the credits of Toy Story at 10:15; apparently he's like his mama and can't fall asleep during movies. He's now calm and quiet and hopefully drifting to sleep in his room. Claire, after waking up every 5 minutes to cry and attempt to stand up in my very tall bed, is now calm and quiet and hopefully asleep in her pack-and-play in the 2nd bathroom. Back when JP said he'd have to head back Sunday, I'd thought, well, we'll miss you, but I'll just spend my Sunday night leisurely sipping a glass of wine and writing a blog post about our trip as I listen to the waves crash on the beach. Ha, no.

But up until 8 pm today, our vacation had been going so well. We planned nothing out in advance, and but for a 90 minute, $3 sojourn around the Strand this morning (Landon got a mood ring), we've either been on the beach, at the pool, or playing on the balcony looking out at the beach. I still hate salt water and think of sand as my personal nemesis, but I'd forgotten how much I loved a good ocean breeze and the sound of the waves hitting the shore.

And now my kids truly are asleep and I must follow, so here's My Summer Vacation in pictures and 40 words or less:

Lounging

and frolicking,

sitting

and swimming,

working (constantly, poor JP)

and exploring,

breakfast and cartoons in bed,

wave watching.

and lots and lots of precious time spent together:

(making it all so worth it.)

Landon, right now

Landon turns 4 in eight days and I'm starting to realize how very much you forget from kid-to-kid and year-to-year, so I'm going to try to capture the essence of the Lanman by sharing a few stories and conversations we've had in the past few days. Because, while I know I've written this so many times, he's just so much fun right now.

Landon remains the consummate big brother. He is always concerned for Clairebear's happiness and well-being, even as she now shuns most of his affection. JP and I frequently hear Landon trying to direct Claire to some super fun activity, imagine Claire walking fast in the opposite direction, and then hear Landon saying, "okay, let's go do that!" As we joke, he just wants her to love him, and Claire, she just wants to rule the world.

Claire has recently taken up hitting. She thinks it's hilarious; we do not. The other day, she walked up to Landon and popped him on the head. We scolded her, but Landon said, "it's okay Mommy, when I was a baby I hit my big brother too." It took us a little while to straighten him out on that one...

Later that day he suddenly said with a sigh, "Mommy, Clairebear isn't a baby anymore. Pretty soon she's going to be a big kid like me. We need another baby." I suggested a goldfish.

His teacher just got married and is on her honeymoon. When I picked him up from daycare yesterday he said, "Mommy! We saw a picture of Ms. Ari getting married and she was BEAUTIFUL."

Then, "Did you and daddy go on a honeymoon?"
Yes, I said, we went on one later.
Landon, "But who watched us?"
Me, "You weren't born yet sweetie."
Landon, "What?!"

For as utterly laid back as he is and as well behaved as he is, he is not at all apathetic or lackadaisical. He excitedly flits from one activity to the next. He has opinions about everything, they're just very rarely negative (JP says he gets that from me). He loves to play superheroes, loves to "help" me cook, and LOVES to play outside. I think he has inherited his dad's athletic skill. He was holding a hat for JP to toss a ball in the other day. He asked for a turn to throw the ball and then proceeded to make all five shots he attempted, with JP moving the hat around. We were pretty impressed.

At almost-four, he goes to bed at 7:30, wakes up around 6:30(ish, we really don't know exactly when he gets up, but we'll hear him in Claire's room trying to make her laugh around 6:45), and takes a nap from 2-4 on weekends but never naps during the week at daycare. He eats all vegetables, all fruit, all carbs, and some meat. He plays on his own, but prefers to play with Claire or one of us. He loves his extended family and daycare teachers and always wants everyone to come to our house (again, definitely something he gets from me and not his dad). He has a stubborn streak that is identifical to his daddy's and watching the two of them butt heads on a regular basis is both amusing, frustrating, and a frightening glimpse of the teenage years ahead.

We got him a bike for his 4th birthday present. Since last weekend was the only time we could shop for one, we gave it to him a few days early. He loves it. I nearly had heat stroke following behind him on all the bike rides he requested over the weekend, but he did a great job on his new wheels. I think one of his friends must have recently gotten a bike because he told us over and over, "It's okay if I fall. Sometimes when you get a new bike, you fall down a lot, but it's okay. My helmet will keep my head from being bonked." He never did fall, but it cracked us up to hear his little pep talks about how that was okay.

I started this post two days ago and have been trying to pay attention to the less positive aspects of this age because I keep unintentionally leaving them out. The difficult moments are just so brief, or dealt with so quickly and completely (i.e. misbehavior, sent to room, apologies and reunions, moving on), that I honestly don't think of them when I think of him generally. But I'd say he still has one fit a day (more on weekends when we're together all day, probably an average of 2 or 3). Lately, it's like he's picking a fight because one isn't naturally available to him. For example, he'll request something reasonable for breakfast, I'll say okay, and then he'll suddenly cry out in a whiny voice, "but I wanted [new unreasonable thing]! You're not being fair!" And I look at him like he has a different head. Because, for that moment, it's like he does. I give him a chance to reconsider the tone of voice, to use his words to talk about what else he might like, and then send him upstairs if he can't get back on track (right now, he needs to go upstairs to restart 1 in 4 times or so, usually a look or warning snaps him back). We're pretty emphatic that the whiny voice (or any yelling, acting out, etc.) is not tolerated in the common family areas, but he is welcome to throw a fit in his own room with the door closed if he'd like and we look forward to having him back in the kitchen when he's done with that. He rarely takes us up on our offer.

He's such a kid now. Sometimes when I go to tuck him in at night, I see vestiges of that chubby cheeked little baby I held for hours on end nearly four years ago, but mostly, I just see a fun, independent, sweet KID. A kid who dresses himself every morning, puts his pj's away, puts on his own shoes, carries on long conversations with me, and talks incessantly about going to kindergarten- an event that is now only a year away.

And while I rejoice in his independence and budding big-personhood, I do love the little reminders of how much he loves and needs us. Last night JP had a meeting until 8 p.m. As I tucked Landon in bed at 7:30 I told him daddy would come give him a kiss when he got home later. I meant that daddy would come give a sleeping Landon a kiss when he got home, but when JP climbed up the stairs at 8:45 he found a little Lanman with his eyes WIDE open, like he was trying so hard to stay awake. And when JP came to sit by him, Landon slowly got a huge smile and whispered, "daddy you're here!". JP ended up turning on the light and reading him a few books before coming downstairs at 9 to eat dinner and change out of his work clothes. And while I had fleeting concerns for Landon's next-morning behavior, I knew JP needed those 15 minutes even more than Landon did.

So that's almost-four for us. But for a few daily, temporary bouts of madness, it's a pretty awesome age. He's still learning so much and is so excited about everything, he always makes the every day more fun. He's nearly beside himself with excitement over our trip to the beach this weekend. The first thing he asks in the morning is "how many more days?" and two nights ago, when I tucked him back under his covers at 11pm, he muttered "I'm going to the beach..." I hope Galveston lives up to his expectations, but one of the fun things about four is everything still does.

Glass Slippers and other favorite moments from today

Three-day weekends are the best. It completely changes a Sunday when you still have a work-free Monday to follow. Today we did our usual bit of erranding, cooking, and cleaning, but we enjoyed quite a bit of fun in between the productive pieces of the day.

Rather than do a blow-by-blow of the day, I'm going to highlight a few favorite parts.

1. Water table time. Kids play, Daddy mows, Mommy types on her laptop from 2 feet away. I will never get tired of watching, and listening, to the two of them play together.

2. Family Erranding. I usually run errands during my lunch break at work, but I've been so busy lately that billables and recruiting have been the only things happening between 8 and 6. So today we ran all our errands as a family and it was FUN. We hit up Walmart, Party City, Academy, HEB, and Costco- basically a month's worth of errands done in one day. The kids were so well behaved and it was so nice to not feel like I was wasting time standing in line at Target while the time I could be spending with my kids was quickly ticking away. And now we're all set for our impromptu beach vacation next weekend (we own our first set of folding chairs and a giant umbrella; mommy's skin does NOT do well in sun) and Landon's birthday party the weekend after that (scheduling a trip the weekend before a 9:30 a.m. Saturday birthday party was perhaps not my greatest idea, but we're ready for it).

3. Glitter shoes. I bought a pair of clear, sparkly jelly flip flops from Old Navy last week (for $1.75, I love that store). When I wore them out of my room this morning, Landon asked, "Mommy! Where did you find those glass slippers?!"

4. 7-being-simulnap. After all the shopping in the 103 degree heat that feels like 125 degrees of lifeforce-sucking misery, we were tired. We tucked the kids in their beds at 2:00, JP snuck off to take a nap at 2:05, and I wandered in to bother him at 2:06. By 2:30 the whole house was asleep- even me!! I can't tell you how rare that is, and it was everything I hoped it would be. We all woke up 4:30, refreshed and recharged and SO glad it wasn't a real Sunday so we could continue in our wasting of the usually-oh-so-precious weekend minutes and head to the pool.

5. The pool. I love it. My kids do too.

Clairebear, my fierce little diva


Lanman, our brave little fish


JP, the one who makes my heart flutter

We splashed around for an hour, came home, ate dinner (bbq pulled chicken sandwiches, mac & cheese, and pineapple), and tucked the kids in bed at 7:30.

Claire read the bedtime story; she rules that relationship

It has been a lovely day, and tomorrow we get to enjoy another one! Yay America and yay for 3-day-weekends!

Spectator Sport

Landon has been taking semi-private swim lessons with a friend every Sunday at 1:00. Some weeks I stay home with a sleeping Biscuit (since we routinely run roughshod over her afternoon nap, we try to allow her a full morning one), but our favorite thing is to all pile in the car and experience the fun of swim lessons together. The temps have been topping one million degrees lately, but the pool area is shaded and has pretty hill country views.

The lesson usually goes something like this: Landon, while wearing his Spiderman goggles in his car seat, chatters excitedly the whole way to the pool, "I love swimming lessons! Yay swimming! I'm going to swim REAL fast Mommy!". Claire jabbers back, because she too has much to say and prefers to say it one decibel louder than her brother. We arrive at the pool, bag of snacks, water, and towels in hand. Landon remembers that maybe he doesn't like swimming after all. Claire sees the water and tries her very hardest to dive in. Landon alternates between doing awesome and sobbing while floating on his back repeating "I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to." Claire performs serious missions around the pool deck, and occasionally makes a break for the water to show Ms. Christy that she can float too and won't even cry about it. JP cheers, I take some video, it's good times.

This past Sunday, Claire took a break from the heat and her exploratory pool missions to simply be a spectator while her brother swam with his big arms and floated on his back:

My brother is floating. This is mildly entertaining.

Wait, he appears bothered.

Whoah, what are they doing to him? Maybe I should help!

Mmmm, my graham cracker is DELICIOUS.

Wait, wasn't I worried about something a second ago?

Well, everything seems fine, no need to exert myself.

Oh look, my brother is floating, go Landon!

Now where's the rest of the graham crackers?

Teeter-Tottering

If there's one thing I've learned in 3 years of being an attorney, mom, wife, and person who needs to spend a certain number of hours each week sleeping and reading romance novels, it's that a balance of all those things is not something that just happens.  You have to MAKE it happen- seize the moment, plan a vacation on a conference call, read your romance novel on your kindle app on your blackberry while waiting for your computer to boot up in the morning, schedule a home meeting with your husband in the middle of a slow Friday and you know, meet with him.  Individual days may not be balanced, at least not if you were to look at a black and white list of how many hours I spend wearing my various hats, but I feel that when you take a month-long view, I generally achieve a nice mix of everything (not every month, but again, on balance).

For example, after billing 10+ hours a day every day last week, I spent yesterday catching up on one million personal tasks, including planning the details of Landon's birthday party (thank you Mere and Oriental Trading Co.), planning a last-minute inexpensive summer vacation (Galveston here we come! I am ridiculously excited about going to this rather sad stretch of dirty sand in July), calling up all my student loan lenders to get my updated balances (high, still very, horribly, depressingly high), answering over 30 personal emails (sorry those I haven't gotten to yet), cleaning my desk, and entering my time.  It felt SO good.  Then today, when I realized I still wasn't getting my usual non-stop barrage of emails because all the IP attorneys were busy finalizing a brief on a very technical issue (i.e. below my non-PhD education level), I left.  It was 3:00 and I powered down my computer, made a quick stop at home to grab snacks and swim suits, picked up the kids, and had us all splashing in the pool at 3:30.  It was wonderful.  Landon was a little fish, Clairebear tried to drown herself at every opportunity (I had at least one hand on her at all times and she still managed to dunk her head completely underwater for multiple seconds, multiple times; this girl, I'm telling you), and we all had a marvelous time.  I answered about a dozen emails via blackberry, continuing my love/hat relationship with that bothersome little device, and everyone I work either didn't know or didn't care that I was sitting in 2' of water under a giant umbrella (which is really the only way to survive a 103-degree June day).

Tomorrow is going to be busier, I've already received a few emails regarding new things to do on the case, and that's just fine.  Today I spent a bonus 3 hours with my kids, made a relaxed dinner of pork tenderloin, roasted pineapple, rice, and snap peas, and sat on my couch until my butt was half-asleep. 

So balance. I picture a teeter-totter; last week I was on the down end, and this week I'm up.  Soon, I'm sure, it'll be back down again, but at least for me, the happiness of the "up" is much stronger and lingers far longer than the feelings I get on the down.

Victory!

Remember last week when I worked until 2 a.m. on a brief? It was a big one - opposing counsel had filed a motion to strike certain of our answers to a contention interrogatory, answers which, for complicated reasons, they had good reason to try to strike and which would have been devastating for us on damages. And though I had nothing to do with the drafting of the rog, I was tasked with the response. (The chain of events went something like this: I saw the Motion to Strike was filed at midnight the night before; I thought wow, it's going to suck for whoever has to respond to that; I got a call at 9 a.m. that started with "So I remembered you're a really great writer;" Me: "Oh no, you're going to make me respond to the strike aren't you?"; and I was printing off the Motion to read and figure out what I was responding to at 9:15.)

The Motion was set for hearing on Wednesday in Wisconsin, but we got an order on the papers by surprise today and it was a complete and total victory! A slam dunk on all points, plaintiff's motion denied in full, with text from my response copied and cited. The order got sent around to all the partners in my section, specifically giving me credit and praising "LL's great lawyering," and you guys, I almost cried. True success is pretty rare- doing well means not getting called out for screwing up. I work with great people, but we're all busy, we all work hard, and we all do a generally good job-there's no report card that keeps you apprised (and keeps other people aware) of how great you are or are not doing. So to get a clear, credited victory? That is something to be savored. Especially when the cases are huge and worth tens (or hundreds) of millions of dollars and very few projects are truly "yours" to credit anyway.

So today was a good day, and a good day can make up for a disproportionate number of bad days. I also found out last Friday that I had been nominated to TAKE a deposition in this case. I know there are plenty of associates scoffing at the idea that this would be a big deal (and it's kind of silly that it is), but in a large law firm with a cases this big, we juniors and mid-levels basically never get to do things like depositions. The clients are too risk averse and the cases are worth too much. So that was already a huge vote of confidence from my temporary new section (IP) and today's news solidified it (at least until I actually take the depo). So with all of that, plus my weekend without working (first one in a while and badly needed), my job satisfaction is way, way up. This should last me at least until January...

Happy Quick Takes Illustrated

The week is done! We're about to head to Houston for a mini reunion with some close high school friends, some of whom I haven't seen in about 5 years. I'm not excited about the 7 hours of driving, but I'm super excited to see them (and their kids- we have kids now, crazy) and we decided it was more hassle to stay overnight than to just drive back after it was done.

I fear I'm picking bad times to blog because all you're getting is the "holy crap I have so much to do and I'm tired and I miss my stay-home husband with all the free time and the doing of all household errands and tasks." There's been good stuff too- lots of it, actually.

There's the love notes JP leaves for me. I found this one the morning after I worked until 2 a.m. and he'd left at 6 to swim:

There's the Biscuit, who is just awesome. Fierce. But awesome (and still snuggly when she's tired, and she gives the best hugs). Claire is always busy- always on a mission- and she completely dictates the play with her big brother. Landon suggests something, Claire marches off to do something else, and Landon follows behind with, "oh, okay Biscuit! let's do that!" It cracks us up.

It's also increasingly difficult to get her in the camera frame. She moves fast!

She also likes to help. Here her plastic soup pot made its way in to the dishwasher and she was trying to close it up for me.

The $30 water table (her 1st birthday present) continues to be an excellent investment. Both she and Landon LOVE that thing, and we love sitting on the back porch, in the shade, watching them splash and play without having to constantly redirect Claire from doing something dangerous (she always finds something).

(love)

Yesterday Landon's daycare class put on a circus performance for the parents. It was awesome. Landon pulled off the great feat of being a non-creepy clown:

(cute, right?)

and then all the kids performance "tricks" they brainstormed after reading various story books about going to the circus. There were elephant rides (low table decorated into an elephant; the teachers helped the kids climb on top and then the kids stood on the elephant's back and did tricks); jumping through "rings of fire" (hula hoop with taped on flames); jumping over an "entire line of trucks!" (wood block with toy trucks taped on); jumping over fire (wood block with flames); balancing acts (balance beam and balancing foam bricks on their heads); and a disappearing act (totally adorable).

The best part was the teachers taught the kids to exclaim, "the show must go on!" any time they messed up. It cracked us up and now Landon says it at home if we drop food on the floor or otherwise make a mistake in our routine.

Lastly, and not directly related to my life, but something that made me oh so very happy this week. New York passed the Marriage Equality Act. I could say a lot about this, but basically, two consenting adults can now get married and receive the whole host of benefits the government affords that status. It will never fail to infuriate me that this isn't a given in all 50 states, particularly mine, but rather than get on a "sometimes I can't believe I live in Texas" tangent, look, a rainbow empire state building:

Yay!

random, tired report

I billed 13 hours yesterday, even with attending an adorable in-class bridal shower in the morning for Landon's daycare teacher, taking a summer associate to a non-billable lunch, and leaving work early to pick up a feverish Clairebear who could NOT have picked a worse day to get sick.  And then, in a virtual version of failing to knock-on-wood after my last post, I did not get to tuck my babies in to bed (and thus I did not feel lucky, at peace, or warm in my heart; in fact, I felt quite the opposite by the time I went to go to bed at 2:15).  But even though all I wanted to do was sit on the couch with my sick, snuggly baby, I forced myself back to work after dinner to write a brief that was due in the morning.  I had a lot of case law research to do for it and I just can't read long IP cases on my tiny laptop screen.  It's a little freaky to be at my isolated office building at night, but I was very brave and pushed through the creepiness of being the only light on for what felt like miles. I finished around 2, right when Austin FINALLY got some rain via a very noisy thunderstorm.  And even though it kept me from falling asleep until almost 3, I was still more happy for the desperately needed rain than I was stressed about my impending a.m. exhaustion.  Though when my alarm went off at 6:30 this morning, I was a little less pleased with the precipitation...

Due to Claire's mysterious 2 hour illness that consisted of a relatively high fever and nothing else, I arranged for a nanny to come to the house in the morning.  When I called the firm's back-up service (the best perk we have, by far), I told them to be at the house by 7:30 a.m., still thinking I'd be getting enough sleep to go to work early.  I didn't, but the threat of the nanny knocking on the door while I was still in pj's got me out of bed to throw on some grey lightweight tweed pants, a cuffed men's style white dress shirt, black platform pumps, opted for glasses, and threw my hair in a wet messy bun.  I thought I was slumming it, but my co-worker told me I looked like a sexy, nerdy superhero's girlfriend.  I love her.  Then our extraordinarily obnoxious opposing counsel, who filed THREE more motions between 11 pm last night and 1 am this morning while I was drafting our response to their last motion, called me "vituperative" on a meet and confer conference call.  According to Google, this means I am "bitter and abusive" which, while new for me, is probably a badge of honor when dealing with these people.

So, work, it's crazy.  I keep telling myself it's a compliment to be the busiest person in my section (and it is) but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.  I miss my couch, I haven't responded to a personal email in over a week (sorry to everyone who's sent me one), I can't leave comments on blog posts (though I do still read them!), and I'm just so tired.  Luckily Claire is completely cured- no idea what the fever was about, though I suspect teeth.  She heads back to daycare tomorrow which is good because Landon's teachers and Claire's teachers all commented on how concerned Landon was that she wasn't in the building.  He wasn't jealous she was at home or anything, he just didn't like that he couldn't visit her.  I haven't yet told him that this future land of "kindergarten" that he talks about incessantly will not include a Clairebear.  I designed the invitations for his "Breakfast with Batman" birthday party during a midnight break from my work last night- it's going to be so awesome!  I also read an article about how the Texas drought has eliminated wild birds' drinking water, so everyone should buy bird baths, and now I wonder about the birds I see around our neighborhood and worry that they're thirsty.  JP is good, though also super busy.  He likes his job, and really likes his boss and co-workers, but his work is pretty demanding- he's typing away on his work laptop across the table from me as I write this post (and wait for comments on another brief).  He's home for dinner every night, but he's seeing the kids for half the amount of time he used to and he misses them like crazy. 

So, the adjustment is still ongoing.  We did have a wonderful weekend we did do a much better job of preparing for the week.  Lots of food was prepped and prepared, so we've had healthy and delicious family dinners every night this week.  That's something right?

Sigh, back to work.

Snug as a Bug

I have several favorite moments in my day: When I wake up between 4 and 5 a.m., feel the relief that it's not yet time to get up, and scoot closer to JP so he'll do his auto-snuggle reflex and pull me up tight against him with a satisfied sigh.  When I go in to Claire's room around 7:15 a.m., pause outside the door to smile at the duo of giggling as Landon entertains her, and then open her door to watch her hyperventilate with happiness at my arrival.  When I get to my desk around 8:15, freshly steeped cup of earl grey tea in hand, still full of optimism that today won't be as bad as the last 15 workdays have been (today's was worse, actually, but I didn't know that at 8:15). And when I walk in the door at daycare, usually at 5:30 p.m., but lately at 6:05, and Claire's roaming the halls with her teacher, looking like she owns the place, and then she sees me, smiles, and runs to give me a fierce, chubby armed hug.  Those are all great moments.

But my very favorite happens around 11:00 at night when I go back upstairs to check on the kids before JP and I go to bed.  I tiptoe in to Claire's room, find her perpendicular to the bed, turned half on her side, with all her blankets tucked in a ball at the opposite end.  I put her back in the right spot, tuck her little blanket over her, and kiss her on her head saying, "night night sweet girl."  Next is Landon's room, where I usually find him on his back, knees bent up, one arm thrown across the bed, covers pushed to the bottom.  His animals are on the floor, a dump truck is probably on the pillow, and his disco light is on, pulsing neon light across the room like a downtown club.  I turn off the strobe light, relax his legs, and pull up his covers.  He gets a light kiss on the forehead and "sleep tight buddy" before I close the door and walk downstairs.

And for whatever reason, it's that moment-- not the mortgage, bills, or health insurance spreadsheet I just made to compare JP's coverage to mine, but the tucking-in of chubby-cheeked children who are sleeping with utter abandon because they feel such safety under our roof, that makes me feel like a responsible grown-up. A very loved, very needed grown-up.  And while I love having them awake to laugh and play with, no moment makes me feel as warm inside as that one.  And that warm feeling carries me to my own bed, where I curl up with my husband and know that no matter how crazy and exhausting the past two weeks have been, we'll get up and do it again because we're lucky, and this is all a privilege, and life is good as long as I get to tuck them in tomorrow night too.