Reflections on the First Week

Today ends the first week of a lifetime of balancing work and family, and I can only hope that the future is full of weeks as good as this one. The mornings, drop-offs, and pick-ups all went smoothly and Landon was a "very good boy" for Maya during the day. Despite many warnings to the contrary, I'm okay with the fact that Landon and I are separated during the day. After a few too many conversations with people telling me that "it was okay to be sad," I wanted to respond "I know that, but you need to be okay with the fact that I'm not." It was almost as though they needed me to admit I was sad to fit into their idea of what a good mother should be, and that made me sad.

I'm excited when I go pick Landon up, and there's a smile on both our faces when he's in my arms again, but I don't actively miss him during the day. I can focus on my classes (all of which I really like this quarter), my friends, and my work because I know he's in Maya's warm and competent hands, and then I can go home and focus on him. The first day I brought him home I was happy, and almost relieved, to find how much I enjoyed him. I felt guilty while I was staying home because I spent so much time just wishing he would go to sleep. I resented the nagging feeling that I wasn't doing enough to stimulate his brain and promote language development (or whatever the parenting magazines say you're supposed to be doing). We weren't singing enough, reading enough, or interacting enough- it was worse than the pressure of law school hanging over my head before exams. There were days I'd get in bed and want to do the day over so that I would play with him more, but the next day would come and I'd go right back to wanting him to sleep so that I could accomplish things like brushing my teeth and eating breakfast. I hated that I was wishing away his babyhood- especially since everyone tells you how fast it goes and how much you should enjoy it.

I now know for certain what I had always predicted: I need a family and a career. So many people told me "just wait until you have a baby, you might change your mind." I understand why they said that, but I don't think that having a baby fundamentally changes who you are. It can certainly cause you to adjust your priorities and modify career plans, but the things you've wanted and worked for your whole life don't just stop mattering.

So things are good. There will be days when it's not good, but right now JP is happy, I'm happy, and Landon is happy. This is the right balance for us right now.

First Smile Caught on Film

I think it's a smile. It's definitely a big expression of happiness!

Soliciting Advice and/or Horror Stories

Sleep. I think it has to be the issue most frequently googled by parents of an infant. At first I was curious to see when we could hope Landon would sleep through the night, then it was to see when we could start encouraging him to sleep through the night, and now I just want to hear other parents talk about how long their baby took and how exhausted they were so that I can feel better about our present situation. Here's the gist of what I've gathered so far: Formula-fed babies usually sleep through the night sooner because formula is denser and keeps babies full longer. Metabolically, a baby that is over 11 lbs. is capable of fasting 6+ hours at night. At 2 months, babies can be expected to drink approximately 6 oz. at each feeding for a total of 30-40 oz. a day. You shouldn't do much to "sleep train" a baby until he is 4 months old because that is when they are neurologically capable of soothing themselves, any sooner and crying just gets them worked up to a state they can't recover from; however, you can start setting up a bedtime routine and take some measures to encourage your baby to want fewer nighttime feedings.

That's all from books or articles. From the few people I know with babies I've gathered the following: my siblings and I all slept 6-7 hours a night by the time we were 8 weeks old. My friend's 8 week old has been sleeping 6 hours at night for about 2 weeks. He drinks 6 oz. at each feeding, for a total of 36 oz. a day.

And here's Landon: he never drinks more than 4 oz. at once, usually every 3-4 hours, and almost never exceeds 24 oz. in a day. When we try to give him more he spits up. He's gaining weight properly (he's 12 lbs.) but he's not drinking as much as the guidelines say. He usually takes a 4 oz. bottle at 10pm and goes to sleep. He then wakes up at 2am for a full 4 oz. feeding, gets up at 5am but takes no more than 2 oz., and then gets up at 7am to take a few more. He had a few nights where he slept from 11pm, to 4am, to 7:30- and drank a full 4 oz. each time- and that was wonderful. Now, at the 5am feeding he's mainly just looking around- after a few voracious sucks (1/2 oz.) he's not too interested in the bottle. So can I try not giving it to him? I truly believe he only needs one nighttime feeding- when he gets up more than that his volume remains the same, it's just spread out. We have the approval (and encouragement) from our pediatrician to only feed him once at night, I just don't know how to go about doing that.

So, those of you who have kids (or have friends or siblings with kids), what did their time lines look like? What would you do? I'm not trying to get him on a strict schedule or anything, I just want to prod him in the direction of getting up once at night (or not at all, but I'm trying to be realistic). I've read that offering a pacifier or water at the one feeding you want eliminated can help, but we haven't tried it yet (partially because we're too bleary eyed to think of anything except sticking a bottle in his mouth). One guy in my law school class said his baby was still getting up every 2 hours at 3 months, so while I felt bad for him, it did make me feel good about us.

Sleep advice, anecdotes, and horror stories are requested.

So Why Did I Take That Class?

Last year I slogged through several classes that I hated from the first day but I stayed in due to a belief that I was supposed to take them. These horrors of 2L year include secured transactions, antitrust, and admin. By spring quarter I managed to suppress any lingering compulsion to take classes I didn't actually want to be in and I enjoyed that quarter more than any other in law school. I realized that even if those subjects come up on the bar exam, anything I learned in those classes was forgotten the minute I took the final. And judging from the grades I received, I didn't have much to forget.

And yet this year I again found myself considering classes in that "I feel like I should take it, but I really don't want to" group. Luckily Above the Law had a post that knocked me back to my senses. It cites a study that unequivocally found that there was no relationship between law school courseloads and a student's passage rate. And then the post closes with this little nugget of truth that all law students should take to heart: "So taking Secured Transactions really has no redeeming qualities after all."

First Day

Well, there were no tears. Landon and I left our apartment right on time- a miracle made possible by making JP feed Landon while I jumped in the shower. He was quietly content in his car seat during the ride to Hyde Park and fast asleep by the time we got to Maya's apartment. (Brief aside: I can't figure out what to call our childcare provider. She's not really a nanny because she watches babies in her own home. It's not really a daycare because it's small, in-house, and informal. She's not really a babysitter because it's a little more formal than that. So I'm just going to call her by her name.) I had to park illegally to run up to her apartment and since Landon was still asleep I didn't even hug or hold him, I just handed her the car seat and left. I think that made it much easier- if I was holding him and had to physically put him in her arms, I might have gotten a bit misty eyed. But I really like her and I know she'll take loving care of him.

My classes have been good. I loved finance- we have a real textbook with problems and answers- and I get to use a calculator again! So exciting. Public International Law was also great. The prof is visiting, but I liked him a lot and it's a fascinating topic. I feel like I should know more about international politics and law, so this class is really more about making me a better citizen than lawyer. It was weird to be in class and have to remind myself that I'm a mom. So far I've just been at home with the baby, so there hasn't been an opportunity to forget. I'm in class just like I was last year- same building, people, professors, etc.- but there's something in my life that's so different. It's hard to explain, but there were definite stretches of time that it seemed almost unreal that I had taken a baby, my baby, to daycare earlier that morning.

Anyway, I'm off to the gym for the first time in 5 months and then I'll be picking up the little guy for some quality cuddling time at home!

Already Behind

My first day is tomorrow and I haven't read my corporate finance or public international law assignments. I need daycare before school starts! JP worked yesterday and is at the office now, so I've had no opportunity to crack the books. Well, that's not quite true, the little monster does sleep, but I'm never sure for how long and MTV is playing a "So You Think You Can Dance" marathon that has stolen about 30 hours of my time.

Anyway, I'm realizing that this quarter is going to be tougher than I planned. This always happens- I tell everyone "this year will be easier" and then it turns out to be pretty darn hard (ex: 2L year). My classes end at 12:05, but I'd like to get Landon before 5pm which only leaves 4.5 hours to eat lunch, do my reading, and hit the gym. I'm normally a terribly inefficient reader and case briefer so I'm going to have to learn to focus for longer than 10 minutes at a time. Luckily I do have Thursdays totally open- I think that's going to be my day to catch up on everything: reading, briefing, phone calls, bills, online shopping, etc. This year is going to be a good introduction into the fine art of balancing working and mothering, and I'm glad to have it.

I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Kindness and Patience

alternate title: Why You Shouldn't Have a Baby to "Fix" Your Marriage

Last night, Landon was fussy, it was the end of a very long week, JP had been working past 10pm every night so I had received almost no help, and we were both exhausted. Any shred of sanity, calm, and love I had left in my body went to Landon. I held him, walking endless loops around the living room, while he tried very hard to settle himself- he wasn't crying, he was just making those noises that let you know that he could cry again at any minute- especially if you stop doing exactly what you're doing.

JP was annoyed that Landon quieted in my arms and not his, I was annoyed that JP refused to do the things that I had figured out, through painful trial and error, help calm Landon down, and Landon seemed upset with the universe in general. JP was sad and angry he had so little time with him this week and I was sad and angry that I had so little help this week. By the time we got in bed JP and I hadn't spoken a word to each other in about 3 hours- there was no actual fight, we were just generally pissed off. We both needed sympathy- for different reasons- and neither of us could give it. Part of me wanted to talk about it, more of me was too tired to care, and I fell asleep in such a tensed position that my back hurt when I woke up this morning.

The vast majority of the time having a baby has been amazing for our marriage- seeing JP so in love with his little boy and sharing our utter delight in his every more has been our greatest bonding experience so far. But sometimes, when I have so little warmth and patience left, JP bears the brunt of it because Landon can't.

Luckily, we can go to bed mad because underneath all the tension we are both secure in the certainty that our marriage is much stronger than one crappy night- and when you're that tired, talking it out seems to end in us falling asleep madder. This morning Landon's cheerful, JP is swimming, and I'm well rested- we'll all be fine.

Our Last Day

This is Landon and my last weekday together before school starts. Beginning Monday my days will no longer just be about playing with him and trying to squeeze in some housework while he's sleeping- there will be reading to do, a paper to write, and the MPRE to study for. I'm mostly excited for school to begin. I've missed adult conversation, intellectual stimulation, and having a reason to get dressed and leave the apartment. But I'm a little sad- from now on I'll be a working mother. Whether it's being a student, studying for the bar, or being a lawyer- there's always going to be something else dictating my schedule beyond Landon's wants and needs.

People keep telling me how they cried all the way to work the first day they dropped their baby off at daycare. They look at me expectantly to echo the same feelings, but honestly, I think I'll be fine. He's looking at me wide-eyed and adorable from his swing right now and I have no doubt that I'll miss him, but I know he will be held, fed, and loved at the little in-home daycare we found for him. And I know we'll be happy to see each other when I pick him up in the afternoon. I think it would be more traumatic if I were dropping him off on my way to a full-time job with little control over my schedule, but I know that I can go pick him up anytime after 12:05. We'll see how I actually do, but right now I'm more reflective and thoughtful than sad at the thought of putting him into someone else's arms for a few hours a day so that I can continue down my career path.

Putting the Law in Blawg

Even though my past 50 or so posts have been completely baby-focused, I am actually a law student and this blog is supposed to talk about law every now and then. UChicago's fall quarter starts next monday and I'm really looking forward to it. I've always loved the first day of school and law school hasn't beaten that out of me. I like seeing my friends again, getting a seat, hearing the professor talk about the overall view of the class, transferring the syllabus info into my planner, using my new pens (I always treat myself to a new pack of pens for the first day of school), and now, in this era of laptops, starting a new document for my notes. I also make solemn First Day of School Resolutions: I will start outlining a month before finals, I will never wait to do the reading until right before class, I will do a full practice test, I will go to the gym after class, etc. I've never been big on New Year's resolutions- my life has always been so dominated by a school schedule that the first day of school feels more like the start of a new year than January 1st ever has. I've never kept a First Day of School Resolution, but each year I make them just the same.

I've registered for my classes. An advantage of going to a very small law school (less than 200 in each year) is that there's no lottery system for classes- you just sign up and you're in. It hadn't occurred to me that other law schools were different until I started reading blawgs. We do have to lottery into seminars (which have less than 20 students), but I've always gotten my first pick. This year I'm taking corporate finance, public international law, and structuring, negotiating, and concluding complex business transactions. That last one has to be the most obnoxious class name ever, so it shall henceforth be dubbed "structuring transactions". There's a chance that I'll drop international law and take admiralty- it all depends on my impressions of the profs on the first day. I'm secretly excited about corporate finance- I finally have a textbook (not a casebook!) and it has numbers! and problems with actual solutions! I miss math dearly, it was always my favorite class in school. JP was a finance major at UT so I even have a live-in tutor. My schedule is fabulous: Mon, Tues, Wed, and Fri 9:45-12:05. No class on Thursdays and nothing in the afternoon. We're still paying for full-time childcare, so I have the option to stay in the afternoons to eat lunch with friends, get work done, and go to the gym. I'm now only 3 lbs. up from my pre-baby weight, but my body definitely doesn't look or feel the same- probably due more to eating dessert after every meal as a summer associate than having a baby- but whatever the reason, I need to start working out. It will also be nice to have Thursdays as a day that I can stay home with Landon if I want to (like if there was a snow storm the night before) or go to school and be productive. In addition to my fall classes, I have a paper from a seminar last year due in January and I'm taking the MPRE in November, so I'll have plenty on my to-do list!

2-month checkup

Landon's 2-month checkup was yesterday morning and for once a visit to his pediatrician brought back all good news. His weight remains in the 50th percentile at 11 lb. 13 oz, his length is in the 25th at 22.5", and his head is in the 50th at 40 cm around. His dad can't believe that he's only in the 25th percentile for length (I'm 5'8" and JP is 6'3"), but I'm pretty sure those percentiles don't mean a whole lot now. He has huge feet and hands, so like a puppy, I think he'll grow into them someday. He's finally gotten over the whole "I scream whenever I'm naked" thing and was quite cute while the doctor was examining him. He's been tolerating his Alimentum much better, so we get to stay on that, and the reflux remains much improved, so he'll remain on the same dosage of Prevacid. The visit ended with 4 shots and that was quite traumatic- he cried so much that the paper sheet they put over the exam table was soaked under his face. He shrieked the whole time I was making his 4-month appointment and by the time we walked out the entire waiting room was staring at him with wide eyes. The kid has powerful lungs. I'd been warned that the shots could make him fussy, feverish, and/or sleepy. He was fussy at first, then feverish (Tylenol fixed that), and then took the longest nap ever and woke up in a very agreeable mood. A good friend of mine came over and kept me company while we were housebound- it was actually a pretty nice day.

The pediatrician also told us to start "training" him to sleep longer at night and go longer between meals during the day. Because of the reflux Landon turned into a snacker- 1 ounce here, 2 ounces a little later, etc. At night he never went more than 3-4 hours between feedings. His weight is enough that he is physically capable of lasting longer, and JP and I are desperate for a little more sleep. She said to start making him go 4 hours between feedings during the day (which I did yesterday and he was fine- he even drank a full 4 oz. bottle for the first time in a month) which will in turn help him sleep more at night. If we could just get him down to one nighttime feeding that would make such an enormous difference. Already his second feeding of the night is just an excuse for him to look around and babble to us- he barely drinks anything. I think it'll be tough the first few nights we try to wean him off of it, but everyone will be happier when it's done.