Friday, August 8, 2008

Sweet Surrender

There's something about writing honestly- about admitting near defeat or uncertainty or inadequacy, that makes things turn around for me. When I wrote this post about "oh my god I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, I'm completely faking this whole competent parent thing", Landon started falling asleep on his own that very night. Since then we've used a very basic nighttime routine and just laid him down in bed; sometimes, when all the stars have perfectly aligned, he falls asleep immediately, other times he cries for a few minutes, but the days of back problems from swaying a 24 lb. baby to sleep are long gone. He also accepted the sippy cup into his life soon after that and his bottles have all been packed away for weeks. The teething is still awful for him, but because I know he can normally fall asleep on his own, I don't question giving him tylenol or ibuprofen on the nights he can't - I know he's in pain.

A few days ago I wrote that I felt cheated out of much of Landon's first year and wished for a redo. I blamed it on the DCFS investigation, and while of course that's a huge part of it, when I'm being really honest I think that even without that intrusion I wouldn't have been the parent I think I should have been. But I think that maybe every parent feels that way to some extent. And since admitting that to myself (and the whole of the internet), things have felt better. I'm remembering how much happy time we did spend together and how even when things were horrible and he had ear infection after ear infection and I'd hold a sobbing baby at 3 AM, nearly sobbing myself, I still soaked up his cuddly, clingy baby self. I'm confident that as more time passes the bad will diminish in my memory, making the good easier to see. And, as a bit of clarification, any additional baby Lag Livs are a long way off. At least two years off, probably more. JP and I talk about the future all the time - it's something of a hobby. And lately, additional children have been a hot topic for discussion. When we got married we wanted four. Now maybe we want three. Some days we barely want one. We'll see where life takes us.

Today life is taking us to Chicago for a friend's wedding. We drove to Houston yesterday to drop off Landon and our two furrier children with my parents. We squeezed in a visit to Landon's godmama who let me "shop" in her closet - I left with armfulls of amazing clothes and my wardrobe is now greatly expanded. We also stopped by my grandparent's house - my grandpa had knee replacement surgery last week. It was great to see them and Landon got a big kick out of his shiny new walker - he pushed it all around their bedroom looking quite pleased with himself. I've been looking forward to this trip so much - it's the only Bar Trip we're taking (the purchase of a house eliminated any possibility of something more grand). We're sleeping on a friend's couch and packing both days full of get togethers. I can't wait to see my friends again and be back in my favorite city. And, to make it even better, the high there today is 76. After 42 days of 100+weather in Austin, that sounds divine. We're driving straight to Austin after we land at 10 PM Sunday night because JP starts Orientation Monday morning. As usual things will be something of a whirlwind, but a whirlwind that is fun, relaxing, and full of friends.


  1. sometimes you just need to get it out there to be at peace with it. Whatever it is. That's why writing has always been so cathartic for me.

    Hope you have a fun trip!

  2. Have a great trip! I hope you and JP take full advantage of your weekend there without anything hanging over your heads and no baby to take care of, enjoying your friends!