Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Idyll

I had a whole post written in my head about how I'm so behind in barbri that doing 2-3 lectures a day isn't going to get me caught up until next Friday. And I still haven't opened a single other book that came in that huge box and it sounds like other people are reading things and writing practice essays and doing practice questions and I am doing NONE of these things and I'm freaking out about how much other people who are doing SO MUCH more than me are freaking out. I was also going to mention how much I want to do to the house and how many things are just calling out to be organized but I have to lock myself in the study and not put my clothes in rainbow order and it's slowly killing me. Then I would have mentioned how much I wish I could go to the pool with JP and Landon or just sit on our gorgeous new couches and watch something on our hundreds of channels, but I can't because I am so behind that if I'm not studying I want to be spending time with Landon or doing something with the house. There's also the small matter of neither of us getting paid right now so we must exercise great restraint in our trips to Lowe's and Wal-Mart and that's hard too.

But I just sat outside on our new patio furniture, on our beautiful deck, and ate a relaxing meal with JP. He grilled some chicken, I made a simple field green and pear salad, and we ate a whole loaf of "from scratch" bread from our nearby Central Market. There was an almost cool breeze and the sound of crickets chirping. The backdrop was a full moon with big fluffy clouds barely visible against the darkening sky. We sat in companionable silence and just enjoyed each other's presence. I actually felt my heart rate slow.

I think being married and a parent makes aspects of being a law student, lawyer, or future bar exam taker more difficult. I can't just shut myself away and do all of the studying I should do because there are two other people in this house who love and need me. Sometimes, like now, when I'm really behind and stressed, I wish for the ability to go away somewhere alone and just immerse myself in my work so I can get caught up and feel in control again. I envy those with complete ownership of their time. But then I have a night like tonight and I'm so thankful that I have a husband and son to remind me to get outside my own head and relax (NOT that JP is allowed to say that word). The Bar is still 6 weeks away and even though those big books (and the fact I haven't opened them) scare the hell out of me, I'm going to be okay. Our house looks fantastic and no one but me cares that the my spices aren't in alphabetical order (ok, actually they are, but there is a stack of stuff in the game room that isn't put away yet). Tonight, while I sipped my Shiner Bock and held JP's hand and watched the clouds move, I thought about how my little family may increase my stress, but they also take it away. Or at least they put it in perspective. And then I thought about how I'm so much happier here than I ever thought I would be. The house feels much more "right" than I thought it would. We've already had several friends over for dinner and we're having more over Saturday. The community I dreaded leaving in Chicago has started anew here in Austin.

I'm frantically stressed and utterly, blissfully happy at the same time. It's an odd state of being, but I think, a very good one. I don't think I have any chance of eliminating the former until after the Bar is over on July 31, but I do hope to keep a bit of the latter with me to the end too. And as long as I keep taking time to enjoy an idyllic evening, or Landon's cuddly post-nap self (JP always brings him in to me when he wakes up), or any other happy "the Bar isn't everything" moments my family presents me with, I think I'll be okay.

15 comments:

  1. I'm glad you are taking some time to stop and enjoy your new home and time with your family. You will do great on the bar.

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  2. I did most of my bar studying in my garden - make it as fun as possible, and it's not nearly as onerous!

    I am so glad you're getting to have some peace and quiet for a change, too! You deserve it.

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  3. Even law school as just a married person was so much different than law school as a single girl. Watching my husband do normal people things like watch tv and sleep in made me so resent law school!

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  4. I have a feeling those clothes will be in rainbow order in your closet at some point before the bar! ;) Maybe I'm wrong, but I usually do at least 1 "house project" a day during finals, and I would imagine that barbri is sort of like a giant final.

    Enjoy as much of your new, fabulous life in TX as you possibly can while studying for this awful exam!

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  5. My mom said she met you at the graduation. I have still great respect for the way you have fought for your family through all the trials (no pun intended).
    I am glad my sister, Frequent Citations has made friends with you and hope that relationship can continue long-distance.
    You'll do better than you think on the bar.

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  6. Your "ownership of time" comment is right on track. It is so hard to explain to someone without kids how difficult it is to get used to that ownership getting taken away from you. And it doesn't matter if one stays home full-time or if one is studying for the bar. :-) For sure, losing control over my time is the one thing I have struggled with the most since becoming a parent.

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  7. i'm also not doing anything for barbri yet other than still trying to catch up on missed lectures and know many people in the same boat. so don't worry - we'll get it done :)

    i wanted to share this link: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/13/us/politics/13split.html?scp=1&sq=in+california+a+house+divided&st=nyt

    because it reminded me of what you've written about you and JP. my bf and i happen to both be democrats but i think it's really cool that couples can split down the middle and both be better for it.

    ~ Cathy

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  8. Parenting is a great tool to help you learn to slow down and really appreciate what matters in life.

    You'll do fine on the bar. You can study tomorrow; I'm glad you spent now with your family.

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  9. For what it is worth, I've passed two bar exams, both on the first try, one in a relatively hard bar state (Ohio; Minnesota was easy). I never cracked open any of the BarBri books except the lecture outlines, the mini-Conviser outline, and the practice MBE questions. NONE of the rest of them. They are a waste. Do the lectures. They are immensely helpful. Do a few practice MBEs, just so you get the feel. Do a few practice essays, as this is your first bar, and learn, learn, learn your outlines.

    But really, you'll be fine. (I know it is annoying to hear that, but really, the odds are significantly in your favor!) Good luck!

    (I'm a first-time commenter. Like your blog! I've been following since Amalah linked to you last fall.)

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  10. Sounds like JP is taking good care of you. I think it's great that you are taking time to enjoy the little pleasures in life. The time will fly and before you know it you will be working a bazillion hours and wishing you were home with them. Enjoy it while it lasts. I'm certain you'll rock the bar with no problem.

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  11. What a beautiful post. I started feeling more relaxed here just imagining your dinner on the deck! :)

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  12. I think you're more unpacked than I am...and I've been in this house for 3 years now. :)

    I'm sure you'll be able to buckle down and get enough studying in before the bar...

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  13. I'm a random follower who first read your story with child protective services and have kept up with you merely because you are moving (or have moved) to Austin... my hometown! Just felt compelled to say I didn't start seriously buckling down for the Texas Bar until post July 4th and passed on the first try. For someone who passed entire law school classes on mere hours of studying I think you'll be fine!! But I know that's the last thing you want to hear so go take a practice MBE! Good luck!

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  14. Having been through the bar exam twice, I can tell you that all of the people who are able to immerse themselves in the work are freaking out about not getting enough done, too. Having a healthy state of mind will be a huge help to you when you sit down to take the bar. It's amazing how much easier it is to keep your mind focused on the material and think clearly through it when you're not completely freaked out.

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  15. Look on the bright side: you actually went to a good school that probably taught you some law. Have I learned law in law school? Heck no. So at least you're starting out ahead of the game! :)

    I just looked at the TX bar pass rates, it seems like it's pretty high. I'm sure you'll have no problem passing it!

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