Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Untenable, part Bacon

I billed 10 hours yesterday. JP worked 16. He left the house at 5:30 a.m., before anyone was up, and I left with the kids at 7, making them the first ones at daycare and me the first one on my floor at work. I left the office at 5:30, collected the kids and their many accessories, and got us all home about 6:05. Once there, I started dinner and the daily cleaning of all the tiny food containers from their lunch boxes, when suddenly, I noticed the back door was unlocked. Hmmm. We have a housekeeper who comes twice a month and I realized she must have left it open after cleaning the window on the door. I made a mental note to talk to her about it, let the dogs outside, and got back to dinner. About 10 minutes later my home phone rang. I ignored it, intent on boiling water before Claire pitched a starvation fit, but then I heard a teenage girl's voice over the answering machine saying, "Hi... I think I might have your dogs?... I found them near the [super busy intersection half a mile from our house]..." I grab the phone, run out in to the backyard, and sure enough- our back gate was wide open. Our gate has never been open. And it was open on the day that my back door was also unlocked. Panicking on several levels, I talk to the very nice girl who picked up my giant dogs (in her 2-door civic, no less; "I just opened the door and they jumped in, they seemed very excited about it") and said she'd be happy to drive them over. I ran out to the driveway to meet her, thanking her profusely as I hear Claire is screaming from her highchair because I've left the house. Landon runs after me, another big stray dog comes over and jumps up on him, knocking him to the ground, and then my neighbor's dog gets out and runs over just as the very kind stranger pulls up in her car with my dogs' heads jutting out the window, barking at the 2 new dogs now running up to my garage. Eventually everyone's dogs go back to their owners, I thank the girl one last time (turns out, she's a lifeguard at the community pool and knows JP from all his coaching), and I get back in the house to start making dinner at the time I normally have the kids in the tub. We continue on with the evening, and I eventually tuck both kids in bed at 7:45. Then I clean up the kitchen, call the house keeper, pack the next day's lunches and snacks for the kids, and get back to work, emailing one of our 30(b)(6) witnesses with a list of tasks to do to prepare for his upcoming deposition. JP gets home at 9 and eats over his laptop while continuing to work, and we're both in bed around 11.

This morning JP left at 5. I got up at 6:30 to an email from my 30(b)(6) witness who is now refusing to cooperate and wants to withdraw from the depo. I shuffle the kids through the morning routine, increasingly panicking over how much I have to do at work. Landon flips out because he can't see the end of Curious George. I pack his breakfast to-go and get them both in the car and start driving to daycare, pondering what happened with my witness and how mad the senior attorneys will be at me when they find out he's defecting. Like he does every morning, JP calls to talk to the kids through the bluetooth in the car. Unlike every other morning, I burst in to tears and pull over on the side of the road. Claire's happily yelling "dada! dada!", Landon wants to know why we're not moving, and I can't figure out what I'm crying about. JP asks what's wrong and all I can say is I can't do all of this by myself. And I just want someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, but there's no one to say that, and right now I feel like it would probably be a lie anyway. I try to get a hold of myself and JP seems rather stunned by the change in our usually jolly morning convo, but he sympathizes and says he'll figure out a way to be home more, and oh by the way, I'm about to step in a meeting, I'm actually standing outside the door for my quick "hi," are you okay to keep driving now?

The kids go to daycare, I go to work. Though I don't normally do breakfast, I need some sort of comfort food and it's too early for candy. I head down to the cafe, order 3 strips of bacon, and clutch them in my hand while riding back up the elevator. I lock myself my office (with my bacon) and get to work. Hours later, things are a little better. The witness situation had nothing to do with me, and really, it's all going to be okay. I wish I could have written about Monday or Tuesday mornings, when everything went so smoothly and the kids were so adorable and Landon was pushing Claire around the house in his giant dump truck, or Monday night when we had a nice dinner together and played a game of memory before having family story tickle time on Landon's bed. Overall, more days are like that. But the days that aren't feel so overwhelming so fast, leaving me wondering how is it possible to work this much, at home and at the office, and still feel so lacking?

23 comments:

  1. Gah, that sucks. Sounds like you're way overwhelmed right now. When it rains, it really pours, doesn't it? You and I must have similar coping mechanisms, because (not that these situations compare in stress level, but...) I remember the morning before my first ever law school exam, I was feeling anxious and hungry, and the only place open was a greasy spoon across the street from the school. And yeah, I totally got bacon. And yeah, I totally walked back into the school and ate that bacon while I set up my laptop and prepared to bomb my torts exam. The exam still sucked, but the bacon was goooood.

    Hope you guys find a way to sort out this situation so it's easier for you to manage. You do such a good job of staying on the bright side of things - I think it's cause you know when something's good and when you need to take action to make it good. Best of luck to your family!

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  2. My bacon was delicious as well. Whole Foods makes a mean bacon strip (thick and fully cooked with no floppy fattiness).

    I had hoped my next post on this issue would be more positive, because we've done some talking to each other and a lot of talking to other people in similar situations and have plans to make our lives work better. Those plans just take some setting up and arranging. I do expect that 1 month from now things will be better and hopefully posts like this will just serve as a comparison...

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  3. You are doing a good job! Seriously, Big Law life + kids + busy husband is beyond tough. The fact that you can make it home to make your kids dinner alone deserves kudos. I will keep my fingers crossed that your days get easier and your witnesses get less cranky. Bacon is yummy.

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  4. You're doing a great job. Your situation is difficult, but you are doing the absolute best anyone could under the circumstances. You're also strong enough to ask for help and to reach out, which is really mature. (In my 20s, I wouldn't have been savvy enough, and that was without children!))

    I'm glad the dogs are OK, and the only words of wisdom I have are (strangely) work-related: accept that your witness/client/cases have nothing to do with you, and are no reflection on you. If any of them go south, it's not your fault, and try to be at peace with it. I think high-achieving women particularly have a hard time with this (it took me a LONG time to realize that when my witness screwed up, it wasn't a moral reflection on me).

    Hugs from Portlandia.

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  5. I just feel good knowing someone out there has a life like me. Keep on truckin'. Right now I am reading "Torn" (the NYT Motherlode book club book) right before I pass out at night and it it helping me get some perspective. That, and take out food so I don't have to cook dinner. Hang in there, LL.

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  6. Oof. What a day. This is a big transition for your family, and I agree with AAL -- you are doing a good job figuring it out the best you can.

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  7. Lag liv, I've told you a trillion times that we are so similar ... but right now, I understand EXACTLY what you're going through. With Evan starting residency i am doing ALL OF IT on my own. It gets TIRING and EXHAUSTING. And if this were our job, staying home, then that's one thing, but we have a million other things on our "to do" list too (not to say at home is easy, I'm just making a point). Honestly for me? The toughest part is the loneliness. I know I talk to people all day, but I just miss the companionship of my husband so badly. Anyway, that's my novel. Sigh. I'm so sorry you're going through something similar and with 2 kids? You are simply amazing! Sometimes letting those tears flow is SO nice ... therapeutic!

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  8. Ugh! I've never even met you and I just want to give you a hug and make you all dinner! I really hope things get better for all of you sooner rather than later. Good luck!

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  9. Bacon makes things better! I can relate. My husband works an hour away and I feel stressed/rushed a lot- and I only have one kid! You are doing a great job!! Hang in there!

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  10. Lots of hugs for you, mama. You're doing a great job and should be proud of your ability to pick yourself up and dust yourself off after nights/mornings like that. You're one strong and resilient woman!

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  11. Any mom working as full-time Biglaw attorney with a working partner has had this day. Maybe not your day, exactly, but we've all had that moment where we pull over, cry, and say "I can't do it." (Some of us had this day before kids even entered the picture.) I debated about whether I should say it will get better and easier and to just keep truckin'.... But I can't promise that. And I think you already know that. I hope that you and your family figure out a way to strike some balance so that the peaks and troughs aren't so extreme. Even though it may not be an ideal option given your ambitions, but perhaps it's worth exploring some billable hour flexibility with your firm. Perhaps something temporary. I'm sure any firm worth it's expensive hallway artwork would bend over backwards to keep you happy and employed with them. Good luck! (and sorry to be kind of a downer.)

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  12. You ARE doing a great job! Your kids are safe and healthy and dressed and clean and you just finished a freaking breakfast with batman party! You are a fabulous mom! But yes, these times are hard. My husband works all the time, and even though I'm home for now, I still wonder how we're supposed to keep this up over the long term. I'll be hoping the rest of your week and weekend are a bit easier.

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  13. YOU. ARE. AMAZING.

    End of story.

    Your kids are happy and healthy and both just had FABULOUS birthday parties, which is what they'll remember when they're older.

    It isn't going to be like this forever.... you will figure out a way to make it work, or you will figure out what has to change so you can maintain your sanity.

    Fingers crossed that tomorrow is a happy dump truck pushing morning!

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  14. Agreed, you are totally amazing! And bacon makes all things better!

    Hopefully you'll find a way through this soon. You're right - it takes setting up and arranging. Which takes time that you don't have, right? Just a little extra help can make all the difference in the world.

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  15. So did you figure out why the houskeeper left the back door AND the gate door open? Hope that never happens again!

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  16. You are doing a GREAT job! Everyone in your situation feels inadequate. There's not enough of you to do everything to the perfection that your crazy mind requires. (Sorry to call you crazy -- I'm right there with you!!!!!!!) Hugs.

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  17. You are doing an amazing job - as a mom, as a wife and as a lawyer. As a fellow lawyer and a mom to three young boys, with a husband who works a whole lot, I have learned that there will be good days when I have it all running smoothly and effortlessly. There will be bad days when everything goes to shit. (i.e. like the time my boys locked me in the basement while my husband was traveling for work 3,000 miles away and we couldn't get the door unlocked.) But as long as the good days are still outnumbering the bad days, we are doing well and are maintaining that delicate balance. You are doing a great job! Hang in there.

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  18. First of all, I'm picturing you carrying 3 strips of bacon, no plate, no bag, no napkin, and while I'm not sure that's totally accurate for the picture, it's awesome!

    Second, I always find a good cry helps clear the air and give you a slightly better outlook on things.

    Third, while I don't know you, I so admire you and your work ethic. I have a busy job but fortunately don't have to take it home with me like you often have to, but I do work some wacky hours certain times of the year since I'm in athletics. I could do without my 2 hour (on a good day) round trip commute, but I love my job and the people I work with. You are human, and no, you can't do it all. I have to remind myself of that daily as well, because my husband works some wacky hours too, and sometimes I feel like I'm a single mom. I ask myself all the time how some weeks/days I can balance it all and others are a complete disaster and have me in tears. I think that's just life keeping us on our toes. I don't like it, as I know you don't, but you are doing the best that you can - and inspiring some other working moms out there at the same time. Hang in there!

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  19. It sounds like you could really use some extra hired help. Have you considered:

    1. Hiring a babysitter to pick up the kids from day care every day and entertain them until you get home from work

    2. Hiring someone who will do that in addition to cooking and cleaning in the afternoons

    3. Switching entirely from day care to a full-time nanny, which would eliminate the pickups and dropoffs, and making sure to hire someone who will clean as well as take care of the kids

    4. Getting one of those pre-cooked meal services where they make you a week's worth of food that you can just warm up each night

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  20. You're in survival mode. This too shall pass. I agree with everyone else who has said hire a mother's helper. I live in a college town too, and it's been a godsend hiring girls from the university to pick my kids up from school. It's ever changing as the young women's schedules change frequently, but it's been great. I assume UT has a student jobs office. Contact them and they will post the position for you. If you had someone to help with the wrangling 1-2 hours per night M-F, I think you'd feel more sane.

    Also I want to say, you've inspired me many times when I've been in those emotionally overwhelmed times of life. I wrote down a Robert Frost quote that you mentioned on your blog a few years ago as your favorite quote. It's still on a post it on my monitor. It reads:

    "I can sum up everything I learned about life - it goes on."

    You're going to be okay. There will always be days like this, you're right, luckily the good days are more frequent than the bad.

    You will survive, I believe it! PS you're doing a great job, truly.

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  21. You're doing great. Lots of us did or do just that kind of day, every day. I agree on the mother's helper suggestion, if something like that is possible. Other than that... no help to offer. It's not better at a smaller firm, and the employment situation sucks anyway. The kids are in a fantastic daycare so you can tick that off your list as an issue, anyway. The gate, door and dogs problem is probably the planets aligning in some way to your disadvantage (this is the only way I could stave off the "they are conspiring to drive me into the ground" late-night thoughts and nightmares!) I tried to have belt-and-suspenders backup plans but it didn't always work and what goes in a crisis is Mommy's sanity and sleep!

    Many hugs to you, with hope for a light at the end of the tunnel!

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  22. You need to find a Maya stat! ;-) or convince the real Maya move south!
    Desimom

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  23. Does anyone actually not like bacon? Seriously, I've yet to meet the person. :D

    Hang in there, kiddo. Just keep repeating Kim's mottto (it's actually mine but I've generously decided to let her borrow it ;-) - This too shall pass!

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