I had a whole post written in my head about how I'm so behind in barbri that doing 2-3 lectures a day isn't going to get me caught up until next Friday. And I still haven't opened a single other book that came in that huge box and it sounds like other people are reading things and writing practice essays and doing practice questions and I am doing NONE of these things and I'm freaking out about how much other people who are doing SO MUCH more than me are freaking out. I was also going to mention how much I want to do to the house and how many things are just calling out to be organized but I have to lock myself in the study and not put my clothes in rainbow order and it's slowly killing me. Then I would have mentioned how much I wish I could go to the pool with JP and Landon or just sit on our gorgeous new couches and watch something on our hundreds of channels, but I can't because I am so behind that if I'm not studying I want to be spending time with Landon or doing something with the house. There's also the small matter of neither of us getting paid right now so we must exercise great restraint in our trips to Lowe's and Wal-Mart and that's hard too.
But I just sat outside on our new patio furniture, on our beautiful deck, and ate a relaxing meal with JP. He grilled some chicken, I made a simple field green and pear salad, and we ate a whole loaf of "from scratch" bread from our nearby Central Market. There was an almost cool breeze and the sound of crickets chirping. The backdrop was a full moon with big fluffy clouds barely visible against the darkening sky. We sat in companionable silence and just enjoyed each other's presence. I actually felt my heart rate slow.
I think being married and a parent makes aspects of being a law student, lawyer, or future bar exam taker more difficult. I can't just shut myself away and do all of the studying I should do because there are two other people in this house who love and need me. Sometimes, like now, when I'm really behind and stressed, I wish for the ability to go away somewhere alone and just immerse myself in my work so I can get caught up and feel in control again. I envy those with complete ownership of their time. But then I have a night like tonight and I'm so thankful that I have a husband and son to remind me to get outside my own head and relax (NOT that JP is allowed to say that word). The Bar is still 6 weeks away and even though those big books (and the fact I haven't opened them) scare the hell out of me, I'm going to be okay. Our house looks fantastic and no one but me cares that the my spices aren't in alphabetical order (ok, actually they are, but there is a stack of stuff in the game room that isn't put away yet). Tonight, while I sipped my Shiner Bock and held JP's hand and watched the clouds move, I thought about how my little family may increase my stress, but they also take it away. Or at least they put it in perspective. And then I thought about how I'm so much happier here than I ever thought I would be. The house feels much more "right" than I thought it would. We've already had several friends over for dinner and we're having more over Saturday. The community I dreaded leaving in Chicago has started anew here in Austin.
I'm frantically stressed and utterly, blissfully happy at the same time. It's an odd state of being, but I think, a very good one. I don't think I have any chance of eliminating the former until after the Bar is over on July 31, but I do hope to keep a bit of the latter with me to the end too. And as long as I keep taking time to enjoy an idyllic evening, or Landon's cuddly post-nap self (JP always brings him in to me when he wakes up), or any other happy "the Bar isn't everything" moments my family presents me with, I think I'll be okay.