Pregnancy/Delivery Recovery

I never got to write much about how I was doing after Landon was born because I was so preoccupied with how he was doing. I had been dreading the delivery recovery process- any message board I stumbled upon talked about 4th degree tears, pain for months, etc. I was also dreading the arduous return to my pre-pregnancy weight. My mom insisted that she felt great after having me and my two siblings, but she's something of a freak of nature in all things physical- she's weighed the exact same since she was 18 (think head cheerleader/prom queen type figure), eats a large popcorn drowning in butter every time we go to the movies, and even though she gained over 50 lbs when she was pregnant with me, she was back in her tiny jeans in two weeks. So yeah... I wasn't exactly taking her word for it.

Anyway, it turns out that I felt pretty darn good after getting that baby out as well. Yeah I was sore, swollen, and stitched up, but you just wear those pad-like ice packs (loved those), take the ibuprofen regularly (I never had to take the narcotic that I was allotted- I was sore, but not in pain), use your peri-bottle every time you go to the bathroom, and exercise care when transitioning from standing to sitting. I also bought those moist cottonelle wipes to use instead of toilet paper and that made a big difference. Since we were in the NICU all day, it was hard to keep using my peri bottle so I just stuck those wipes in my purse. I was lucky with my tearing- I just had one first degree tear and another one too small to even get a degree designation. I think my skin is quite stretchy because I didn't get stretch marks either. I was very sore for about 3 days, rather sore for another 3-4, and honestly felt pretty great after that. By the time we took Landon home from the NICU (12 days post-partum), I had been feeling totally normal for several days. I do wonder if my recovery was quicker because I didn't have a baby to take care of. When we weren't visiting him, I was resting in my hospital bed, and even when we were with him, I was just sitting in a chair next to his isolette. There's also nothing like worrying about someone else to make you forget or minimalize your own pain. So having a baby in the "Special Care Nursery" (Northwestern's euphemism for the NICU) is probably a positive thing for your physical recovery- not that I'd recommend it or ever want to use that method again.

As far as the weight goes, I was at +41 lbs the day I went into labor. I'm now +11. It's amazing how much of that weight must have just been fluid. My wedding rings fit the day after delivery and I tried on every single pair of shoes last week and they all fit (thank goodness!). I'm pretty much wearing normal tops and maternity bottoms- it's very comfy and I'm really not that excited about trying on my old jeans again. I've grown quite attached to the cute jeans with the stretchy waist band. Sitting in the library was so much more comfortable with those on- they were like jean PJ pants. My stomach is still quite squishy and I find it unbelievable that it will ever return to its original size, but we'll see. Luckily, I have all of Fall, Winter, and Spring before I even have to think of wearing a bikini again.

Full-Time Parenting

Landon's been home for 3 nights now. My mom left yesterday (she's coming back in 2 weeks, otherwise I might have refused to drive her to the airport), so last night was JP and my first night on our own. All in all things are going really well. We love having him here- we spend a lot of time just sitting and smiling at him while he sleeps in his papasan chair. He was always swaddled in the NICU and we've found he really prefers to sleep that way (prefers as in, he won't sleep unless he's swaddled) so we swaddle him and then stick him in the papasan chair. He's quite cozy and sleeps a solid 4 hours between meals that way.

The first night was rough- he had been on Enfamil with Iron in the nursery and chose Thursday night to stop tolerating it, get gassy, and cry any second he wasn't being held and bounced. My mom stayed up with him until 2:30am, I stayed with him from 2:30-5:30, and JP was with him from 5:30 until he left for work. Luckily we already had a pediatrician appointment for Friday morning (preemies have to be seen within 48 hours of leaving the NICU) and she suggested soy formula. I really like our pediatrician- she's obviously very knowledgeable, but she seems quite practical as well. She introduced herself to Landon (sounds silly, but I liked it) and he behaved much better for her than he did for us the night before! He has put some weight back on (he's back up to 7 lbs. 1 oz after getting down to 6 lb 10 oz) and he has a follow up appointment Tuesday to check his weight again. He's been doing great on the soy formula and Friday night my mom stayed up with him anytime he woke up so that we could get a solid's night rest before we were on our own- she must be exhausted, but we really appreciated it! He seems to have his nights and days confused- his deep sleep is during the day and his lighter sleeping and awake time are at night. Now that he's able to eat more he's sleeping better at night- he still likes to be held, but we just put him on our chest and sleep in the recliner. Today we went on our first walk and his eyes were wide open the whole time. It was a beautiful day in Chicago and hopefully we can get his "awake time" to be during daylight hours!

I've already watched more TV and movies in the past 2 days than I did all summer. The Godfather I, II, and III were on TV Friday so my mom and I watched the whole trilogy. Last night JP and I watched the Bourne Identity and Supremacy (mom's babysitting when she comes back so that we can go see the Ultimatum). I'm filling out his baby book and going through all the pictures we've taken over the past few days. I look at him and still find it rather amazing that I made him and that he's ours forever- I'm pretty adjusted to the fact that I have a newborn, but the idea that I'll also have a toddler, young child, and teenager surprises me. JP's already concerned that Landon is growing up too fast (he's very attached to his baby boy), but I'm excited to see who he becomes as he grows. I wonder how much of ourselves we'll see in him.

He's Home

After 12 days in the NICU, Landon is finally home with us! He and his daddy are napping on the couch while my mom and I wait for our dinner to be delivered. It's been tough 12 days, but we have amazing family and friends (and blogging friends) that have really helped us get through it. He's slept in his papasan chair, drank from his first non-hospital bottle, and been changed on his snazzy changing table. It's strange not being able to turn to a nurse for approval for each step, but I think we'll get along okay. And I don't think two parents have ever been so excited about getting up for a nighttime feeding :)

Finally!

Landon will be home tomorrow!

There's Talk of Going Home!

Yesterday Landon had a day full of eating, sleeping, and being ridiculously cute without one de-sat! I just talked to his night nurse and last night was de-sat free as well, so we're now on Day 3 of 5 and it looks like we'll get to take him home on Thursday! I spoke with his doctor yesterday and she's so happy with his progress- she started talking about the steps we'll take before he's discharged. I could barely pay attention because I was so excited to hear the word "discharge" again- they stopped saying it for a few days there. Today he'll be circumcised and Wednesday he'll get his Hepatitis shot and have his car seat check (they put all preemies in their car seat for one hour to make sure they tolerate it well and are fully supported).

It's been a long 10 days, but hopefully we're nearing the end!

Emotional Meltdown

After hearing and reading so many stories of other parents whose babies had to stay in NICU for any amount of time, I started to think it was odd I hadn't cried yet. Pretty much every email I get tells me of a mother who cried all night when she came home babyless, but I haven't shed a tear- or even felt a need to. He improves a little everyday, and while it sucks that he's in NICU, that's where he needs to be and there's not a whole lot we can do about it except enjoy every second we're with him.

And then yesterday, in the Foodlife restaurant of Water Tower Place mall, over a plate of chicken and mashed potatoes, I lost it. With almost no warning tears just started running down my face- totally alarming JP. I think that now that Landon is doing better, (he had no de-sats yesterday or last night!) I could let myself break down and feel upset, angry, sad, and cheated over the fact that he'll have been in the NICU for nearly two weeks before he gets to come home and we get to really be his parents. I allowed myself to think about what it would have been like to bring him home last Tuesday when we were discharged- it seems like he's already changed so much from the day he was born, and I feel like we're missing it. He still barely feels like he's mine- I look to the nurse for permission to pick him up even though I don't have to. Yesterday I found myself wondering that if there were 100 babies all lined up, would I know which one was mine? JP seems like such a natural at everything- he's so comfortable with Landon's diaper changes, feeding, burping, and swaddling- and is perfectly happy to spend hours by his crib just looking at him. I feel bad that I get bored after a while and need breaks.

Looking back, it's been a tougher week than I thought while going through it.

One Week

It alternates between being amazing to me that it's already been a week and that it's only been a week since Landon was born. It doesn't seem like very long ago that I was still pregnant and counting down the days until his due date, but JP and I are such NICU regulars now that it feels like we've been spending our days there forever. We have an assigned locker, we know everyone at the front desk, we have our favorite nurses, we know the shift change schedule, and we know the names (and cries) of all the babies in his nursery. Landon and one other baby boy are the only ones who remain from our first night- the other 4 beds have been changed up. I try not to get too jealous when I see another couple bring in their car seat to take their baby home.

Yesterday, like the few before it, was a day of progress and set-backs. His bilirubin levels went back up, so he's back on the blue bililights. However because he's getting so active and eating so well, they gave him the glow worm bililight that just goes on his back under his t-shirt. So this time we can still pick him up and hold him as much as we want (under the big bililights he could only be out of his crib 1 hour a day). He had a few de-sats over Friday night and into Saturday morning and a big de-sat yesterday afternoon- he went down to about 70% and turned very blue/grey. It took some stiff reminders to get him to breathe, although he was able to return to 86% without the oxygen mask. So I think we're now pushed back to at least Thursday for when he can come home- we're now just thinking anytime before the end of next weekend is pretty good.

On the plus side, his doctor said she felt that he sounded better without his nasal cannula in- that the amount of oxygen he's getting is so low that it may be getting in the way of his breathing more than it's helping him. So at 2pm the cannula were taken out and we got to see his handsome face free of tubes for the first time! I just talked to the nurse this morning and she said he had a few small de-sats last night, but each time he came up on his own and didn't require any hands-on intervention like he did yesterday afternoon. He's eating like a champ and has brief periods where he's so awake and active- we have so much fun just sitting and staring at him all day.

JP is going back to work tomorrow. He'll be working reduced hours and hopefully leaving by 4pm (he's an investment banker- that's very reduced), but I think that's going to make things quite a bit harder. So far we've been doing fine with it just being the two of us- we sit in awe of his cuteness, keep each other company while he's sleeping, and take breaks to walk around outside together when we need it. He's so in love with his little boy- he keeps me from getting down about the fact that we're still in the NICU because he's so excited to see Landon whenever we're there, the circumstances of how we're seeing him just don't matter very much to him. My mom arrives on Wednesday. We thought we were timing her arrival to be after Landon comes home and right around when JP goes back to work. Now it looks like she'll be hanging out in the NICU with me and I'm so glad she'll be there.

At least I have my Harry Potter book to keep me company while Landon is sleeping. Amazon is supposed to delivery my pre-ordered copy, but we're never home and don't have a doorman so I knew it would be a while before I actually got my hands on it. I bought another copy at the hospital book store and I'm reading it slowly to savor the last of Harry Potter's magical world. I've talked to Landon about the basic plot line and I'm sure he's looking forward to hearing more details when he's older and we can read all the books together.

Day 6: Bumps in the Road

Like I did the other day, here's the e-mail I just sent out to family/friends to update them on Landon's progress. I'm off to bed, but I know there are people reading the blog to find out what he's doing, so I wanted to keep you in the loop as well. It's so comforting to know there are so many people out there thinking and praying for us- even so many that I've never met! The internet can be such a lovely thing.

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Hello all,

Yesterday we were concerned about Landon's episodes of de-saturation (de-sats) where his oxygen saturation would go down and he'd turn blue until the nurse put the oxygen mask near his face. Every time he has an "episode", the clock restarts for five days until he can come home. We were hoping yesterday would be the end of them, but when we called his nurse at 8am we found out that he had several episodes over last night and one already this morning. Obviously, this was incredibly disappointing- we were so encouraged by his progress the past few days- I think that was keeping us going. We headed out for the NICU to spend another day by his isolette feeling a little down- it was starting to sink in that it could be many more days of driving back and forth and leaving him each night.

Luckily there was some good news. We spoke with the doctor after we arrived and she didn't seem worried about his de-sats. She felt they were just bumps along the road of him learning how to breathe on his own- apparently he hasn't quite figured out that breathing is not optional and that yes, he must do it all the time. It's tough learning all these rules of surviving in the outside world! He de-satted twice this morning while he was sleeping, but each time he only needed a little nudge to remind him to take a deep breath (no oxygen mask required). This afternoon he did great- no de-sat episodes, even during his feedings and some pretty deep sleeping. We'll call his nurse again to hear how he's doing before we go to bed.

Other bits of progress: he was moved out of his isolette and into a regular crib this morning. His temperature stayed regulated so the isolette was officially taken away! He also had his IV removed (it was turned off yesterday, but they left it in just in case) so he has one less attachment. He's getting quite squirmy so I'm sure he's enjoying his increased freedom. JP and I spend most of the day just sitting by his crib watching him move around in his sleep- he's getting so much more active, it's incredibly entertaining. Now that he's doing so much better and is off the bilirubin lights, we get to be a lot more involved in his care- we fed him his bottles, burped him (our favorite photo ops), and changed his diapers throughout the day. We also spend far too much time staring at the numbers on his monitor, holding our breath every time the oxygen saturation number starts to go down. The nurse threatened to turn off the monitor if we didn't stop watching (she has her own viewer), so we're trying not to fixate on it.

JP actually just called the night nurse and he's doing great- no de-sat episodes! Hopefully we'll hear the same when we call in the morning, but as he's shown us since the moment he decided to arrive- Landon is pretty much in charge of his own timeline. As always we're thankful that we're just waiting for when he's ready to come home and not worrying about the if. Send thoughts of 96% saturation his way!

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Today was a little tougher than yesterday. The separation and the driving home from the NICU without Landon are starting to wear on me. He's still doing great- he was taken down to Level 1 of breathing assistance, the bilirubin lights are gone because his jaundice is under control, his IV was turned off, and he's drinking quite a lot of formula. On the downside, the bradycardia episodes he had the other night, the ones we were hoping to blame on the CPAP machine, happened again- this time without a CPAP machine as a scapegoat. He also had two "de-sats" where his oxygen saturation levels plummeted and he started to turn blue- the nurse put an oxygen mask near his face and the levels quickly returned to normal, but it was still a little scary (it happened once while I was holding him). He has to go five full days without any episodes of bradycardia or de-saturation before he'll be discharged, so it was sad to have another day tacked on to his stay. However, if he's randomly turning blue, we definitely want him in the NICU and not in our apartment. I can picture us hovering over him with a flashlight at night to check his coloring- hell, we may be doing that anyway.

Alright, on to me... My milk came in Tuesday night. Very Bizarre- instantly rock hard, Pamela Anderson sized, supremely sensitive boobs. I've been living in a sports bra with breast pads and holding bags of frozen food to my chest while I sleep. There have been several varieties of frozen foods: I had purchased frozen peas for this event, but JP was so tired that first night when I asked him to grab them for me that I ended up sleeping with one bag of frozen peas and one bag of frozen chopped onions. I woke up smelling quite flavorful. Last night I somehow ended up with a bag of frozen peas and a bag of Trader Joe's vegetable fried rice. Who knows what frozen delicacies I'll clutch to my chest tonight.

The recovery hasn't been too bad. I was very sore and swollen for the first 2-3 days, but I was obsessed with those pad-like ice packs that the hospital had and they helped so much. Now I feel fine when I'm up and walking around- the only thing that is still uncomfortable is when I transition from sitting to standing and vice versa. My stomach is quite jiggly, but it's so much smaller than it was at 8 months pregnant that I feel almost skinny (despite not being anywhere close to fitting into my old jeans).

I got an exciting e-mail today- Chicago Firm has decided to pay me my summer associate salary through August 3rd (my anticipated last day)! I only worked there for 2 weeks, but I'm getting paid for 5! I was stunned- I never expected that. We were kind of counting on having that money available over the next year, so there was a lot of relief mixed in with the shock and happiness.

It's so strange to not be pregnant anymore, but not have a baby at home. I feel like a half-parent. JP and I are by his isolette all day in NICU, but we have nice lunches together and get lots of sleep at night. I came to terms with the fact that he wasn't coming home with us, but the days don't go by near quick enough. Every little set back is so hard to take- the nursery is all ready now and we just can't wait until he's here with us. Overall he's progressing so well- we're just trying to stay positive and hold on to that. We're really very lucky- we know he's going to be fine- there's no if, only when.

Landon Update- Day 4

The following is an e-mail I just sent out to family and friends regarding Landon's progress- there's more I'd like to say in this blog post (for example, my milk came in last night- quite an interesting experience), but it's late and I'm exhausted, so I'll chat about that tomorrow.

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Greetings,

Landon has had a fantastic last 2 days!! In the last email he was still on "Level 7" of breathing assistance and I wrote that the doctors were hoping to take him down to a 6 this morning. Well, he ended up going to a 6 last night and this morning jumped down to a 4- this means he was taken off the giant CPAP machine (that he Hated) and just has nasal cannula instead (little tubes in his nose- much less invasive). He was on the "high flow cannula" this morning and when we visited this afternoon he was already down to the "low flow cannula" and his oxygen volume had been decreased - he's now on Level 2! He also made the big step to taking formula from a bottle, so his stomach tube has been removed! He's turned out to be a voracious eater (much like his dad) so they've doubled his formula volume and, because he was getting so cranky having to wait 4 hours, he's now feeding "on demand". He still has his IV in place to supplement his bottle feedings, but the nurse felt it would be removed in the morning. He remained on the phototherapy all day for the jaundice (that's why some of the pictures have a bizarre blue tint to them), but that will be turned off tomorrow at 6am. He should also be moved out of his isolette and into a normal crib sometime tomorrow.

We visited him several times today. [JP] did the kangaroo time with him at noon and Landon was very busy looking around while laying on his daddy's chest. Now that he's doing so much better we can fully understand how bad he was doing those first two days when all he could do was heave his chest trying to breathe. Now he squirms around, stretches his arms and legs, and (finally!) opens his eyes to look around. We also heard him cry for the first time- I don't think we'll ever be that happy again to hear him wail. We went back to see him this evening and I got to give him the last few ounces of a bottle (I also had the honor of changing his diaper for the first time that morning). We stuck around for his next bottle and spent the 2.5 hours until then looking at him sleep, wake up, explore, and sleep again. It was wonderful to see him so active! We were there for his "hands-on check" at 9pm so we saw him get weighed (he's down to 6lb 14 oz, but that'll go up again now that he's on formula), measured, and have his diaper changed. I got to give him another bottle, which he devoured. He was then so exhausted that the burping process was kind of a lost cause- he just fell into a baby food coma and we eventually gave up and let him lay down. (The picture clearly shows his "Why won't you leave me alone and let me sleep?" opinion of the whole burping process).

So everything is going really well- his hopeful discharge date remains Monday because he had a few episodes of apnea and bradycardia (sharply decreased heart rate) last night. The doctors think that was just because of the CPAP machine (something with the tubes getting in the way of measurements), but they want to watch him for at least 4 nights to make sure it doesn't happen again before he's sent home to us. [JP] and I are doing fine- we're so thrilled about his progress each time we have to say goodbye that it makes the parting quite bearable. We'll be back in the NICU all day tomorrow- I get to kangaroo and [JP] will give him a bottle. I've added a bunch more pictures online as well as a few video clips. You can really see how active he's getting!

Thanks again for everyone's emails- the upside of leaving the NICU after each visit with Landon is that we get to check our email and read your messages :)