The Day He Deserved

Yesterday was JP's first father's day and we made it a good one. He got to sleep in until 9 AM because his loving wife took his noisy son on an early morning trip to Wal-Mart. Later there was a family trip to Lowe's where Landon picked out a nice charcoal grill, which his daddy used to cook his special Father's Day N.Y. Strip steaks that night. JP also got to share a father-son power tool bonding moment with Landon while he installed the beautiful knobs I picked out for the kitchen (we have 29 cabinet doors, lucky guy).

We spent a lazy afternoon on our back porch, with JP cursing his new grill for arriving in 1000 pieces, and Landon escaping from his froggy pool and crawling bare-bummed all over the deck.

I don't think he could have asked for any better gift than being back in Texas (or "The Holy Land" as he recently dubbed it), living in his own house (and not a small apartment in a "people weren't meant to live this way" crowded city), and working "with his hands" out in his yard. And he deserves all the things that make him so happy (even if they make me roll my eyes). His first year as a father has been a rough one. In addition to all of Landon's general medical difficulties and refusal to sleep, JP's fathering was scrutinized and criticized by strangers and loved ones. I can't imagine how hard it was to be fingered as the intentional cause of your son's trauma, but very much to his credit, he has never let that interfere with the hands-on relationship he has with Landon.

I saw him transition from loving husband to father the night they placed a tiny Landon on his chest in the NICU and we watched in awe as our son's breathing dropped under 100 breaths a minute for the first time since birth. He looked up at me, and in words that remind me both of how young and excited we were, he said, "this is so cool." I love watching him now as he spends his days playing and taking care of Landon while I study for the Bar. Right now I can hear hear the words to "He's Got the Whole World" floating down the stairs, I know he's holding Landon to his chest, swaying and walking him to sleep. I have so many images of him as a father that will never leave my mind. I'm glad we were able to give him the Father's Day he deserves.

What I Meant to Say

Last night I tried to give a toast to my family at our post-graduation dinner, but I immediately found myself too choked up to talk. Even though I was happy and didn’t realize I was on the verge of tears, there’s something about trying to speak that gets my eyes all watery and makes my voice break. Here’s what I meant to say (expanded into blogging fodder):

Thank you all- JP, Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle C, my father-in-law, mother-in-law, grandmother-in-law, and even Landon, for being here today. It’s hard to believe this is it – that we’re all here, celebrating my law school graduation and the beginning of my new career as a lawyer. I’m surprised at how sad and nostalgic I am, especially given that I spent much of 1L year gazing longingly at Rockefeller Chapel out the library window, counting down the seconds until I this day. It’s been quite a journey. JP and I got married three weeks before law school began; we drove up to Chicago two days after the wedding in a car filled with china place settings and crystal glasses. I spent 1L as a newlywed, 2L pregnant, and 3L as a new mom. Somewhere in there I relearned how to think and how to write. Sure there were a bunch of legal terms and case names and constitutional principles throw in there too, but what I’ll carry with me forever from the University of Chicago is the power to think critically, to always inquire further, and to assume nothing. I will never read a news article or blog post the same way, and while that is at times frustrating- I don’t always want to question every sentence on the page- my personal ideology is richer for it. Being a law student at Chicago has been hard, at times very hard, but it’s not a road I have not traveled alone, and I want to thank each of you for being here to celebrate the end of it.

This degree belongs almost as much to JP as it does to me. He didn’t panic when the upbeat and confident woman he married turned into a needy, weepy, insecure mess at her first round of 1L finals. He brought me food so we could have romantic picnic dinners in the Green Lounge and reassured me over and over that I was smart and belonged in the classes I suddenly found so intimidating. He is the reason I inexplicably remember 1L as one of the best years of my life. I loved living in our cute downtown loft, I loved having him to come home to, I loved our nighttime walks around our new city, I loved how much he made me laugh, and I am forever grateful for how much he believed in me. The addition of Landon into our lives only proved again how lucky I am in my husband. He is truly a co-parent and I’ll admit that any time our parenting wasn’t split down the middle, it was because he was doing more of the work. I’ve watched the relationships of a few of my classmates crumble during these three years, but I’ve felt ours grow infinitely stronger. I wouldn’t have made it through law school without him and I hope I can support him half as well in his journey through business school.

I also want to thank my parents who believed in and supported me always. Thank you to mom who I called nearly every day 1L year and who told me near the end of it that it was okay not to make it. It’s funny, but that conversation was what made me realize that I was doing this for me; that it was no longer about pleasing my parents or gathering as many credentials as possible just in case I needed them, I wanted this, and I could do it. Thank you mom and dad for being liberal in your praise, support, and pride – I still have every letter you’ve written to me before the big moments in my life. I read them often, cry every time, and vow to do the same for Landon. Thank you to my in-laws who were always interested in my classes and supported my goals. To my grandparents who could always lift my spirits with their doggedly optimistic view of the world. My grandma always says, “It’ll all work out”, and it always does. And thanks to my uncle and godfather who arranged his flights to come visit us and gave me something to look forward to midweek.

My last mention goes to Landon. Not a thanks, because he really wasn’t much of a help – you could even say I graduated in spite of his efforts, but he was my greatest accomplishment in law school. He is the honors asterisk that isn’t by my name in the program. He was a highlight of my day – picking him up from daycare and seeing his huge smile, playing with him in the evening, cuddling with him at night – he never let me forget that life is so much bigger than law school. I hope that someday he gets a kick out of the fact that he was the University of Chicago JD Class of 2008’s little mascot and that I carried him down the aisle of Rockefeller Chapel in the recessional at graduation. I don’t delude myself thinking he won’t sacrifice for my career goals, but I hope any sacrifice is small, and I pray that he understands how important this is to me, and he always knows how much more important he is. I hope he’s proud of what his mom did.

This isn’t an ending, it’s a beginning. I’ll be relying on all of you as a lawyer as much or more than I did as a law student. Thank you for the past three years. Thank you for all the love and support I know I’ll get in the future. Cheers!

Lag Liv, J.D.

It did not rain, I wore a fantastic hat (or "velvet octagonal tam"), beautiful wizarding robes, a draping hood, and received this diploma:

Watch out world, I'm a doctor of law.

I've Looked Forward to This for 3 Years

Tomorrow morning we fly to Chicago for my graduation. I am really not looking forward to the traveling as it is going to screw up Landon's tenuous nap schedule and he is NOT going to appreciate the restrictions that will be placed on his crawling and cruising. I am however greatly looking forward to seeing my beautiful city, a bunch of my family, my wonderful friends, and even the ugly law school building. In two weeks I've already become a bit nostalgic for the place, although that could just be because the Bar is starting to scare me. The law school won't let you fail an exam, but I'm pretty sure the Texas Board of Law Examiners has no problem doing so.

I've been in a quandary about the dress I will wear on Friday and have settled on a beautiful black and red one from my mother's closet. It finally hit home how thin I've gotten when I secretly tried on her dress, expecting it to get stuck halfway up, and was amazed to find that it fit perfectly. We also went shopping while I was home and found a very fitted and fun red dress that I think I'm going to change into for dinner. The ruffly pink dress is now too loose so I'm saving it for a fancy summer outing when I gain some weight back. We're only going to be gone for 48 hours and we're not checking any luggage, but I will have three pairs of shoes with me on the plane. And they're all black. But the style and shade of blackness must be coordinated with each outfit. I'm sure you all understand, though my husband is shaking his head at me and the tiny suitcase we're "sharing". He may have to wear his graduation suit on the plane.

I haven't decided if I'm taking my laptop. I'd like to because I really have a hard time being separated from it for more than 24 hours and there are some pictures of Landon I know my in-laws would love to see (they are not techno savvy and do not go on our pictures website or have any idea this blog exists), but I'm not sure there will be room in our carry ons. I always imagined I'd have a grand post for the day I graduated. I started writing it in my head halfway through 1L, before I even had a blog. I've always composed journal-like entries in my head, I just never wrote them down until I discovered blogger. I actually used to get teary eyed thinking about it because I was so miserable and depressed that year. I still get teary eyed, but for different reasons.

I have many thoughts on graduation, only a few of which are fully formed in my mind, and the special entry I'd planned will probably appear after the bar exam when I have time to think instead of memorize. I'm excited, sad, relieved, hopeful, nervous, and so many more things about the end of my career as a student and the start of my career as a lawyer. Right now I'm mostly proud. To say it's been a difficult year would be a vast understatement, but it's over and we more than survived. Our marriage is happy and stronger than ever. My nearly 11-month-old son is a bundle of giggles and merriment and is very much his own little person. After patiently waiting his turn at grad school, JP will be pursuing his dreams in the Fall. And there's me, somewhat overwhelmed and very excited about what's ahead. I'm twenty-five years old, a wife, mom, home owner, former honors student and national merit scholar, former nationally ranked swimmer, new law school graduate without any honors or asterisks by my name at all, and hopeful member of the Texas Bar. I also own a lot of shoes and love school supplies.

So like I said, I have thoughts on all this, very few of which are coherent. But right I'm overflowing with feelings of pride and relief which are combining into a watery substance leaking from my eyes. Man, if I'm tearing up now I'm going to be a mess on Friday.

Oh Internets, I Have Missed You

The past few days have been pretty crazy and I've been nearly without internet which has been more painful than I should admit. I apologize for my lack of email replies or blog comments, but I promise that I have read everything while mooching wireless off a neighbor, I just haven't had the time or signal strength to respond. We've had some big accomplishments during the past few days, number one being the fact that we have unpacked all 92 boxes and found a home for everything in them- even the ones that were still packed from two moves ago.

This picture is less than half of them and they're stacked two deep. It's very nice to have that done and very nice of the moving company to come back and remove them all from our garage. Our house now looks like a home (albeit a home with very little furniture) and I absolutely could not be happier with it. I love every room, every detail, every closet - and even though I am very picky, there's only two or three projects on my "I'd like to change this someday" list. Our washer and dryer arrived yesterday, the internet and cable were installed today, the phone comes tomorrow, and the fridge comes next Tuesday. Here is Landon helping me with the laundry:

Thank you for all your appliance suggestions. I ended up selecting an LG front loading washer and dryer. They have fantastic reviews and were perfectly placed at the lowest price point of the upper end appliances. They have their own little brains inside that figure out exactly what needs to be done with our clothes and I love them. Our fridge is a fairly standard black GE model with the absolutely necessary water/ice dispenser (which is higher than most and has a child lock).

Yesterday my mom drove up to deliver a mini fridge from my brother's dorm room (The Landon prefers his bottles served chilled) and check out our new digs. She loved the house and neighborhood, and because we trust her taste more than our own, we drove her over to the furniture store to approve the stuff we'd picked out the day before. Tomorrow our beautiful living room set will arrive (leather couch, love seat, very pretty stone side tables, and a giant leather ottomon/coffee table that Landon won't be able to bump his head on and get stitches like I did, twice, when I was 1). The store has excellent financing and JP has promised he will have a job next summer. We also bought a kitchen table that I might love even more than my washer and dryer. It's polished pine with slate in the center (the stone matches the side tables in the living room) and has a leaf that will extend it to 90". We're hosting Thanksgiving this year and our dining room is going to stay a furniture-less playroom for at least the next two years.

Landon has been enjoying his greatly expanded crawling space as well as his yard and froggy swimming pool that JP and I couldn't resist buying at WalMart (I have missed that store- it's almost impossible to spend more than $14.98 on anything).

He and JP just walked to the grocery store to pick out something for dinner (oh yes, we're still within walking distance of stores, which makes me so very happy). I was about to listen to my fourth barbri lecture (I'm very behind, I don't want to talk about it) when I realized one of my loan payments was due on Saturday. That was not acceptable so I resigned myself to finally figuring out all my loan details. This ended up taking nearly 3 hours, involved many phone calls, and culminated in a complex excel spreadsheet. I have now deferred or forbeared all my loans until January 2009 which will allow us to fund our acquisition of half of Lowe's inventory yesterday.

In other catch-up news for all my family and friends who wouldn't even know I was still alive without this blog: JP has been feeling great since we entered Texas. I got all my grades and in an absurd final chapter of law school had my second-best quarter ever with an average two points above the median. I am on the list to graduate this Friday. JP successfully fought his "non-resident" status for business school and found out yesterday we only have to pay instate tuition (this spurred the living room furniture purchase - after all, we'd just "made" $20,000!). Landon is crawling at 55 mph, pulls up on anything taller than 2 inches, and can walk along the flat wall like a baby Spider Man. He already has some new baby friends at the pool and JP takes him every day while I hook myself up to the iPod to learn about things like future interests and limited liability partnerships. Yes, I bitter about this, although I will admit the nerdy part of me loves having worksheets to fill in with my pretty new pen. Barbri is relatively mindless and it's nice to actually learn The Law without discerning the holding of a case with a long-winded judge. I also have beautiful striped binders to hold my handouts and school supplies are right up there with a new pair of heels in their power to make me happy.

I promise to resume my emailing and blog commenting soon - there have been so many good posts lately it's killing me to not have time to say anything. For now, it's back to Real Property II and my bowl of Blue Bell ice cream.

Mental Snapshots

I read a book many years ago with a main character who talked about freezing certain perfect moments in his mind forever. I've taken a few of those mental snapshots over the past few days. Like Saturday when we took Landon to our community pool and he got so excited about the water and the babies everywhere that he just flapped both his hands in the air and made squeaking sounds for thirty minutes. He spent the next thirty trying to reach out to touch any babies that might come near him, splash the water, stick his head in the water, and look up at us with big smiles- it was pure joy on his face. And last night when I was snuggling with him upstairs in the recliner and I kissed his chubby little cheeks and he giggled and then JP, who was sitting on the floor by us, leaned over and kissed his other check and Landon was giggling full-bellied giggles of delight. Or yesterday morning when the boys let me sleep in and then presented me with breakfast tacos on a tray in bed. When I lifted up my head when they walked in with the tray, Landon gave me such a big smile and looked so very pleased with himself, like the whole thing had been his idea. I thought it was a perfect moment for our first morning in our new home.

Having a baby has made me better about living in the moment. I used to be all about countdowns and I spent a lot of my time looking towards something else. With Landon I'm constantly reminded that every day he gets a little older, a little less snuggly, a little more independent. I'm excited about watching him grow up and I share in his excitement over his new skills, so his progression from baby to little boy doesn't so much make me sad as it keeps me focused on savoring the present.

Home

Well, it's been a crazy past 2 days. After being told over and over that our stuff wouldn't be arriving until Wednesday the 11th, we got a call Thursday afternoon with news that the moving van would be in front of our house at 8 AM the next day. Ahh! This was very good - it meant we could get the bulk of the unpacking down before we fly back to Chicago for graduation, which was the whole point of moving down here right after finals, but we were still in Houston at my parent's house and not expecting to drive over to Austin until this morning. Our stuff was everywhere and we had plans to cancel, but we managed to throw everything in our two cars and head towards the capital. We pulled into our driveway (we have a driveway!! and a garage!!!) around 11:30 PM to unload some of the stuff and drop off Lilly the cat. Walking around I was amazed at how beautiful the house was - so much better, and more perfect, than I even remembered. Usually I build things up in my head and am disappointed when I see them again, but that definitely didn't happen this time. After mourning Chicago for the past week, I was overcome with excitement for our house and our new city. Austin always surprises me with its beauty when I've been away for a while - especially the southwest area where we are. It's the start of the Texas Hillcountry and it's gorgeous.

The firm provides three nights in a hotel so we headed over to the Intercontinental where we were upgraded to a King Master Suite that was ridiculous- three rooms and such luxury. We got about 5.5 hours of sleep before we had to be back at the house for the movers. That went pretty well - the hardest part was figuring out where to put things. We're coming from a two bedroom apartment that had a kitchen/living room/study all in one. Now we have four bedrooms, a big study, dining room, casual eating area, and a huge game room upstairs. A few of those rooms are going to be completely empty for a while. Landon likes that, though. He also got to try out the playscape in the backyard - he loved the swing.

When the movers left and Landon went down for his nap, JP and I collapsed on our unmade bed for a nap ourselves. We finally went to lunch (now dinner) at 5, stopped at a few furniture stores only to discover we can't afford what we want and don't want what we can afford, and then drove back to the hotel to put Landon down, watch TV, and order room service desserts. It was a good day. The unpacking is somewhat overwhelming, but it's much easier when you have a lot of space to hide boxes until after the Bar.

Speaking of the Bar, that is getting stressful for me. I haven't listened to a single lecture in the past three days because things ended up getting so busy. I'm now eight behind - that's a solid 24 hours of iPod time. Ahhh! And with the trip to Chicago next weekend for graduation it's going to be difficult to catch up any time soon. I know that I will, I just already resent the fact that every time I have thirty minutes to sit or read or go through the pictures I've taken over the past several days, I have to use it to learn about property or contracts. I hate that feeling of having a constant weight on your shoulders; graduation won't really mean anything until that exam is over with. I'm giving myself today off to get as much done in the house as possible and then it's going to be two lectures a day for a while.

But, oh my house. It is so very pretty :)

My Kind of Mommying

I've been thinking the past few days about what kind of mom I am. Probably because I'm usually the only mom around, but now I'm home with my own and surrounded by others. After some thought, I've decided that I'm a practical one.

I've always been a practical person. JP and I were walking Landon over to the duck ponds yesterday and we passed one of those open sewer grates by the sidewalk. JP remarked that he used to be afraid of those as a kid. I said, "Really? But you can't really fall down it accidentally. You'd have to fall just at the right angle and then turn your body into it - and even then your hands or leg or something would keep you out." He said, "Well, true, but you don't think about that when you're five." But I did. I always reasoned through my fears and found that very few were worth worrying about. I was never afraid of the snakes we constantly found in our yard because I knew that copperheads were skittish and as long as I made noise they'd stay out of my way. I never worried about robbers because I figured they'd break into an empty home and not one filled with people and lights and a dog. I never worried about a lot of the things my friends did- I just rationalized them away. I still do that with almost everything; despite the nearly frantic feel of some of my blog posts, I don't get visibly worked up about much in real life.

As a mom I'm relaxed. I believe in routines but am against strict schedules. I think Landon benefits from the small deviations in his day as much as I do. I love that he has so many people in his life and he's comfortable with all of them. I pray that I never get fixated on one set plan for him or for us as a family. I think about all the bad things that could happen to us in a thousand different ways, but I don't spend much time on it- and I hope I can always look past them. JP's mom is a huge worrier and I think that is the main reason their relationship is as bad as it is today. He grew up hating how controlling she was, how she always talked about all the terrible things that could happen, and how she'd get all worked up over little things. He learned to just stop telling her anything and greatly resents how restrictive his childhood was. I remember playing for hours in the greenbelts behind our house as a kid. Now I realize how many bad things could have happened without my mom knowing - and without a cell phone to call her. But the thing is, nothing ever did, and I had a wonderful, adventurous childhood I hope to pass on to Landon.

I want to raise him to embrace challenge and change. I want home, both our physical house and our arms, to be a place where he always feels safe and secure, and from there he can venture out to try and experience new things. My parents gave me this. I was raised to be independent and adventurous, and I could be because I had such a firm foundation from which to venture out from (and inevitably come back to). I learned to do things for myself fairly young and while I love having my parents be a part of my decisions, I make them on my own and follow through on my own. And that's exactly what I hope to enable Landon to do.

So for now we keep our home life pretty consistent, but we break the routine when appropriate for family events or other big happenings. I read up on things, but don't obsess over the exact week he's supposed to hit a milestone. I ignore all the fear mongering articles and focus on the ones filled with actual facts from actual studies that include more than 10 people. I've unsubscribed from all the weekly updates because while I loved learning about what was happening while I was pregnant, now that I have the baby in front of me I don't really need them. My grandma's motto on life is that "It'll all work out" and I think that's pretty accurate. Landon is doing fantastic right now - sleeping well (although he has two more teeth about to pop through), crawling with alarming speed, pulling up on everything, walking along furniture, making all kinds of noises, and just generally charming us all.

I know there will be a lot to worry about over my lifetime as a mother and I hope I can always keep it in perspective. Landon spent his first 10 months giving us more worries than most new parents have to deal with, but it's all working out. I picked up a parenting book in the store a while ago and just before realizing I only wanted a reference-type book instead of a parenting style book, I read one sentence that has stuck with me, "Children need two things: unconditional love and clear boundaries." I think that will be my parenting philosophy. That and something about not sweating the small stuff.

Godmama Daycare

Landon is hanging out with his Godmom for the day. She's got a pool and toys and a portable crib and a big house for him to crawl all around in- there's even a miniature dachshund that is just his size! I know he's having a blast and she is too. I'm a big believer in the "it takes a village to raise a child" and I'm quite happy to pass off my baby to a member of my blessedly large village while I listen to back-to-back bar exam lectures. And who am I kidding- I'd take the opportunity even without a bar exam looming. I'd use it for errands or a date with JP or just sitting on the couch doing absolutely NOTHING for a few glorious hours (now glancing wistfully at the couch I'm not sitting in and the TV that is not tuned into mindless daytime shows).

Landon has recently started the separation anxiety phase, but I think because there have always been so many people in his life, it really hasn't been too bad. The only time he cries is if there's a hand off from me directly to someone else's arms. If I put him on the floor with someone else and then leave, he's fine. When JP and I left him this morning he was on the floor with Godmama petting the carpet and telling her all about it. I wish I had my camera with me - it was an adorable moment. He kept looking up at her with little smiles and she looked like she was about to cry . Of course she has her own absurdly cute grandson who is her #1 baby, but Landon is doing pretty well in his #2 spot. How lucky is he to have so many people in his life who love him so much? (And how lucky are JP and I?!)

JP used his day off to eat more Tex-Mex and get a haircut- I believe he is now napping. I am finished "Contracts and Sales II" and will be moving on to "Agency and Partnership" shortly. Oh the exciting lives we lead!

Melting, but Accounted For

We are safe and nearly sound here in Houston. We're staying at my parent's house until our stuff arrives in Austin. We arrived at their lake house in Livingston around 5 PM on Saturday and Landon got to take his first swim in something bigger than a bathtub. It was a big hit:

We enjoyed a delicious meal of fajitas and margaritas, and Landon was reunited with the tasty homemade tortilla he enjoyed so much during our Spring Break trip. Doesn't he look worried that someone might steal it? He hung on very tight.

We then headed to their house in the suburbs with a Landon who did NOT think he needed to spend one more second in his car seat. Luckily it was after his bedtime and he fell asleep after about 30 seconds of vigorous protest. Since then we've been re-organizing our stuff, resting, catching up with friends, and trying to go back through all the to-do list items that have been ignored for two weeks. I'm also listening to my iPod barbri lectures, but have yet to complete the one I started on Friday in the car. I hate that stress is already starting to build for that exam. JP seems to have made a complete recovery from whatever viral syndrome tried to keep him in Illinois and Landon has adjusted much better than expected to all the changes in sleep schedule and location.

It's still completely surreal to be here and realize that it's not just another quick trip before we fly back to Chicago (well, it kind of is, since we're flying back in 10 days for graduation, but only for two days). And even though I lived in Texas for 22 years, and was only gone for 3, I have completely lost my ability to withstand high temperatures. Yesterday we went to church at 11:00 and were standing in the parking lot talking to some old friends. It was 95 degrees and I was melting. I kept looking around at these people all smiley and seemingly comfortable and thinking: you all aren't hot? you're just standing here like this is okay? I am sweating out of every pore of my body, but you're good? really? I can't believe I used to think this was an acceptable temperature- I think my body used to be better at cooling itself down. Until I adjust, we're spending a lot of time indoors and at the community pool.