But let's talk about the past week when I was a full-time employee who was paid for the hours I was willing and able (and needing!) to work. Because it was quite a week! And one in which there was much balancing of that full-time job, full-time motherhood, part-time yogi, super-part-time-barre-teacher, and frequent chef and book reader.
(Quick aside, Iron Gold came out this week!! Surprise #4 in what was previously the Red Rising trilogy which had one of the most satisfying endings I've ever enjoyed in a trilogy of books. It was so good I almost didn't want to read #4 except OF COURSE I did and I must say I'm enjoying it very much; the leap forward in time combined with new first-person character perspectives is working for me. Even more importantly book #6 of my beloved Arcana Chronicles by Kresley Cole comes out in 4 weeks and I'm DYING to read it. I will start it at midnight that Monday when it is released and finish it by 5 a.m. Tuesday morning and I will not regret it ONE BIT. But we're getting way off topic.)
Monday was a holiday for the kids and me. We started the day with a roller blading scooter ride to a friend's house for donuts and then splintered off so James could work and I could watch the kids run at full speed for 2 hours through our beautiful if currently dormant (and always FREE) nearby botanical gardens.
They can run so fast for SO long. I just meander behind, snapping a picture of their backs every now and then and cautioning everyone not to get wet anytime they're near a body of water. We came home for lunch, I went to yoga (I am doing SO much yoga - yoga every day! - and it is SO wonderful and makes me so happy), and then James left to coach when I got back. We had agreed that the big kids would go to his swim practice at 5:00 (usually they go on Tuesdays, but usually I'm not with them all day). Sometime around 3:30 Landon came wandering into the TV room where I had just sat down to get a few things done on my computer. He'd been outside playing tag with the girls and generally having too good a time and he needed to be upset about something so he picked swim practice. 45 minutes later and I finally broke and yelled. He snapped out of it immediately. I hate when I break as much as I hate that it seems to fix everything. In general, things are really good and going so much better, but every now and then they aren't and it's just the worst. I dropped the kids at the curb and drove home with Cora. We sang "From Now On" from the Greatest Showman soundtrack on repeat and then got to work on a delicious dinner. On the upside, Cora was adorable, racing into the house from the car because Giant Pua (Claire's much-adored Christmas gift from my brother) doesn't like thunder and Claire told her to take care of him. She took her duties very seriously.
“Mom, Big Pua is afraid of the storm. Cwaire told me to take GOOD CARE of him while she is at swimming. ... And sometimes Big Pua is just hungry mom. He’s Just Hungry. And still a little scared. But I will take GOOD CARE of him. Don’t WORRY.”
The storm that so frightened Pua brought with it freezing temperatures and a sprinkling of snow. Our schools and office shut down for the first two hours of the morning for ice, but I went to work on time because Landon was still stuck in difficult mode (just for me) and my office is my new sanctuary. Kind of literally. It was completely empty of human beings and for the first few hours, my Starbucks chai latte and I were very happy to hang out alone and do some drafting.
I did yoga at lunch, I ate my pre-packed lentil salad lunch at my desk, and I enjoyed speaking with other humans later on in the day when the office was officially open. I stayed late to finish the document I was drafting, raced home to relieve our brand new after school nanny on her first day on the job ("this is unusual, I swear"), grabbed Cora and a granola bar, and drove to my PTA Board Meeting.
It was a really good meeting. Our sweet Title I school is amazing, our teachers and principal and students are amazing, and our parent involvement increases every year. I will admit that I did not really want to go to a meeting after 3 minutes at home after being at work for 9.5 hours, but it's a really rewarding part of my day and I love my board members. I got home (for real this time) at 7:30 p.m. to the crockpot meal James had started midday at the same time he pulled up with the big kids from swim practice (the nanny drops them off, and then he was held up talking to parents), so we all got to eat a late dinner together. And before we ate dinner, I found this tucked under my place mat.
Inside was a drawing of penguins and a very sweet and genuine apology note from Landon and after hearing his words, and accepting his hedgehog and hugging him tight, my world felt a little more balanced again.
On Wednesday morning it was nine (9) degrees outside, so this is how everyone dressed to venture out to school.
We have maintained our position that Landon gets to pick his own clothes and make his own outerwear decisions, but I really wished I could attach a little post-it to his back that said "I tried. I have chosen to fight other battles." Luckily the girls take their cold protection very seriously. Cora, in particular, enjoys all the extras.
Adjusting her "ear gloves."
Thursday was a great day. Super busy, weaving together every role I have and a few extra outfits. The day started with a rare blow dry of my hair, answering some emails, and heading to the kids' school with James to use some vacation time to watch our second year of Battle of the Books!
The Battle is an awesome, local (I think?) competition for elementary school students in 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade. Each grade gets a list of 6 varied and award-winning books to read. They take their usual AR tests and the 5 highest scores become that teacher's BOB team. The team practices together, making up questions for each other from the books, until they have the big school competition to determine which class will represent the school at the city-wide competition in May.
Each team gathers behind a table with cards for each book's name. The judges ask a question, something like, "in which book does the main character stain his hands purple" and the kids confer quietly for 30 seconds when a bell is run and the team captain (Landon!) picks up the card with the name of the book they think answers the question. The teams can't see each other, so while they'll know if they got the right answer or not once the judges announce it, they have no idea how the other teams are doing until the end.
It is just the best.
Last year Landon's team won after 3 rounds and an incredibly stressful bonus round of sudden death, but this year his all-girl team ("they're super smart mom") team emerged victorious after the first round, missing only the very last question!
They were so chill. They clearly had a plan for how they would communicate with one another and generally they seemed very certain of their answers. One time, Landon looked like he wasn't sure but was leaning towards one, when the girl next to him tapped one of the cards with complete authority and certainty and you could see him shrug his shoulders and mouth "okay" and pick that one up. They were the only team with that answer, so we were nervous, but they were the only one who got it right! Trust your team. Particularly when they're super smart girls.
Their smiles when they got the questions right and when they won were the best and we're so excited to cheer them on in May!
After the competition, I ran home to get some work done before driving to Texas A&M Law school downtown for a lunchtime panel, mandatory for all their 1Ls, on The Practice of Business Law. It was me, the general counsel of a large local hedge fund, and a real estate transactional attorney, so I think it was a good range of corporate law practice. I think it was a good conversation and lots of students came up afterward to ask more questions, so hopefully it was helpful! I love being back at law school and around law students, even if it shocks me to say things like "when I graduated 10 years ago..." I'm a real life lawyer you guys, sometimes I still find that surprising.
post-panel, wearing very pinchy shoes that are very cute and sadly unpictured
After the panel I finally got to my actual office where I worked until 5:00, changed quickly in a bathroom into my barre clothes and hoped I wouldn't run into anyone in my hot pink camouflaged leggings while I ran to the elevator because Thursday was also my first day back at TCU teaching my barre class for the spring semester.
It was a really full, really great day that ended with me coming home to check on our crockpot meal and pour a glass of wine that I sipped alone for 10 whole minutes before James pulled up with all the kids returning from their swim lessons. There was dinner and baths and bed and then a new Top Chef episode. It was just a really good day. That I finished by reading too many chapters of Iron Gold under my extra fuzzy blanket in bed until the wee hours. The back-lit Kindle app on my phone is probably one day going to kill me.
Today was more work, an Orangetheory class, other work, and then the making of signs with the children for the Women's March tomorrow (yay!) before drinking some extra wine and watching the shutdown clock wind down (less yay).
Now it is nearly 1 a.m. and I must go to bed so I can squeeze in at least a little ill-advised reading under the covers before that becomes completely unreasonable.
Truly love your blog! Have been catching up, as I am a fairly new reader. I am a lawyer who chose to stay home after having kids, so it is doubly interesting to see the flip side. Thanks so much for letting us peek into your life. Your honesty is refreshing and your parenting style is inspiring!
ReplyDeleteThe Star Telegram said there were about 5000 marchers today. I was there and ran into some friends, but not others. It felt good to be out there. It gives me hope. To be in Texas and have so many others who share the same views. Thank you!--Liz
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has really enjoyed your blog for years, I wanted to share with you that your commentary on Landon and his behavior makes me wildly uncomfortable. I respect your need to process and that your blog is your outlet. With that said, I'm wondering where Landon's need for privacy begins? What would your reaction be if a schoolmate of his found your blog and read your comments belittling his (somewhat crappy if not typical for his age) behavior? About his mood swings and temper tantrums? I wish you had a way to process this and remain true on your blog without embarrassing him or mocking him. Perhaps it isn't your intent, but it is how it reads, and it is very cringe worthy as an outsider.
ReplyDeleteI don't know. It's been a really, really, really hard few weeks. This is the tiniest part of it. It is always hard to tell your story because it always overlaps with others. In general I try really hard to make the right call and I probably didn't here. I've edited it now. I can say in all sincerity that I am not mocking Landon. If I could mock it, maybe it would feel sort of eye-roll-y and funny and it wouldn't crush me. But as I cried in my office telling a colleague this story on Tuesday, I clearly haven't yet found that perspective. If it helps your wild discomfort I can tell you that I frequently go back after a week or two and delete whole sections of posts that were too personal about any one individual so they aren't just sitting there forever on the internet for friends to find one day. It's just been a tough few weeks. As I told James last night after another really hard, long day with a kid I love beyond all reason, I just feel really fragile. Fragile and sad and a little broken. I still do. It is hard that I can write about so little of it.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOh lord I wish i could give you a hug, it’s so
ReplyDeleteHard when the eldest starts to push away like that and direct so much anger at us. My eldest is 10 and we’re getting a lot of it here too. You seem to handle it really well and are doing allthe right things to see him through it. One thing that has worked well for us here and I know you have mentioned it too is to take away the small
Battles or the battles for the sake of battles.
So he says he doesn’t want to go swimming, I would say fine, you don’t HAVE to go
Swimming, you GET to go swimming, it’s a huge privilege. If you don’t want to go, fine, you can explain your decision
To your dad at the pool. And try to take yourself out of the firing line; he seems to really want to
Punish you with his outbursts but he won’t pull that shit on dad? Then let him explain it to his dad. Works well here with homework and football.
I really enjoy your blog, made your cheeseburger soup last night again. Love that soup :-). You’ll get there with Landon, I was an awful asshole to my mum in my teens and we’re all sorts of BFFs now ;-) xxx
Smart suggestion, about explaining it to Dad.
DeleteIt is a good idea! And was precisely what I said in the first two minutes- Of course you don’t have to swim, but you do have to go and you’re in charge of explaining whatever decision you make. But it doesn’t matter; he wasn’t really upset about the swimming, he just wanted to BE upset and there was still an hour to go until practice was set to begin. Normal I’m sure, but frustrating since there really is no solution (except for being upset, of course; though not to say that we aren’t always still looking and talking and trying more.)
DeleteI appreciate you listening to my comment, and I have a lot of sympathy that things are tough. With the caveat that all of this comes from an outsider who knows only what I read..... first, you have a pretty big following. Your recent Law Mama FB advice post showed how many folks are quietly reading along, soaking up your stories. This isn't a tiny corner of the internet with just your BFF reading and a few others, and while I completely commiserate that L's behavior is breaking you down, you often assign intent to it (aka suggesting that he just wants to be terrible or he wants to ruin your memories). That feels pretty unfair to him, because he comes across as a typical hormonal preteen/teen who is good at pushing buttons. It makes me really sad when you write that your home used to be your sanctuary but your kids are ruining it- my heart breaks for them. If I read that from my Mom, I'd just be devastated.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest, as a total outsider, that you used to blow off steam working out but that isn't cutting it these days. That is totally ok, but maybe you need someone to talk to, to work through these feelings. Sometimes you come across as bitterly angry at your son, and if there is truth to that, you deserve to be able to work through that without the lookey-lous or the ability for him to one day read it, or his peers, or his peers parent's that you run into at PTA meetings.
I hope that comes across as respectfully as I intended it.
Parenting is so incredibly tough. So much so. Your kids seem to have been extraordinarily compliant. Do you think that is making it harder to deal with Landon, since you have not really had to do much negotiation and tantrum-handling before?
ReplyDeleteDo you think he wants your individual attention! Could you go get him and go for a run/bike ride alone one afternoon a week instead of going to yoga or barre or orange theory? Like, maybe this is manifesting because he wants more individual time with you, but doesn't want to say it. (And I know you need that time, but maybe go at lunch or after he is in bed.)
First- IRON GOLD!! I cannot wait to start it, but like you, I'm so nervous because that trilogy was literally perfect in the way it ended. I'm worried this is going to sully that- so I want a full report!
ReplyDeleteSecond- Team Jack or Team Aric?
Third- tween boys are life's biggest joy and biggest frustration. I wish you all the best as you navigate these waters. With an 11 year old son, I get it.
Fourth- the Hubs is effected by the government shut down, so I feel you on those worries. I pray this is resolved soon!
I just wanted to let you know that from another internet stranger's perspective, while I read frustration and sadness from some of your dealings with Landon, it's impossible not to see how much you love him. That's why it's all affecting you so deeply.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever read the book Setting Limits? It totally matches your parenting style, and you seem to follow a lot of the book's advice with all of your children. But it also suggests that you can say that you need a cool down for yourself. I wonder if Landon would accept that if you're feeling like you're going to break.
It sounds like he often doesn't want to let up if your emotions don't match his. He needs to know that you being calm is not a failure to take him seriously, but that you're working for it, for himself and for you. I don't know how to convey that to him, but maybe calling for a cool down for your own sake would help to show what you're striving for.
Thank you very much for that first part. I'll admit it felt like a physical punch in the gut to read that I sounded otherwise.
DeleteThe second part is also helpful. It is precisely what should work. And when he is genuinely having a moment where his emotions are just too big and too sudden for him, and what he needs are calm adult parents who can admit they are human, take a break, and come back to the maelstrom to be that adult, it is precisely what does work. But when he has decided he wants a reaction (and since he pretty much always has positive reactions from us, negative ones are the only ones that seem to be satisfying) and mine is the only one he wants, it does not. Nothing seems to, except finally just yelling and giving that reaction and then hating myself for a several hours after- that seems to fix everything, at least for one of us. I'm still looking though. And giving a lot of extra (and probably awkwardly long) hugs in the calm and happy in between.
(And I'll check out that book; I'm all for new ideas, but have found if it doesn't match your baseline personality or parenting style, it's just impossible to implement. Thanks for the recommendation.)
I don't see you coming off as angry - just needing to vent. As parents, we all know that every day isn't sunshine and rainbows, and we do *gasp* get angry with our kids and ourselves and our situations. There is nobody with an opinion that counts that would look at what you have written in any other light. Hugs!
DeleteFor what it’s worth, I love the way you write, precisely because you are so real about everything. And your love for L is always evident. I don’t find your writing uncomfortable, at all.
DeleteThis feels like a good place to add to this positive & encouraging love for your parenting style and your ability to keep it real. I find your writing style super refreshing. It goes without saying that we all love our kids a ton. To have to justify feelings & frustrations is so insulting and surely felt like a gut punch. Keep on keepin' on, girl. I have a 10 year old boy with some crazy mood swings and sometimes he pisses me off...and yes, sometimes he does it on purpose and needs to control that shit.
DeleteLong long time reader. Also a law mama. I just want to say I have no advice or solutions, but you are human. And I would have the same thoughts and feelings as you if my oldest started acting out like that. She reminds me a lot of L, just a year younger, and I would also be so stressed if my home haven were disturbed. You’re human. You’re doing the best you can. Forgive yourself. Forgive him.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, some of things that you've written about Landon lately have made me cringe, as well. And, as I say that, let me validate that there is nothing that you've written that I haven't thought (or said in confidence to my husband) about my own hormonal tween. It's hard. It can suck. And, seeing that you go back and delete some of the more personal stuff is a relief. But, like someone else suggested, I think about what would happen if Landon or his friends stumbled across this blog one day and read some of the things written... While I don't doubt your fierce and unconditional love for him (his behavior wouldn't upset you so much if you didn't love him so much) at all, it just seems like some of the "ish" should be kept private. I'm not sure if you watch This Is Us, but on a recent episode, they were in therapy, where Kevin was accusing their mother of loving his brother more. She denied it repeatedly, then eventually broke down and said she never loved him more but he was just easier. And I'm guessing that's kind of where you are with your kids right now...
ReplyDeleteI've read your blog since Landon was an infant. I wonder sometimes, if what happened with Landon as an infant impacts your relationship with him today. It seems that you've always had a bit of a detachment with Landon - something that I initially thought may be part of your personality, but later, when the girls came, I realized wasn't. I wonder if that very strength/defense mechanism that got you through that nightmare of a time and allowed you to keep moving forward has had some longer term consequences. This is, in no way at all, meant to be a judgment against you. I think you're an amazing mother, and marvel at how well you juggle all of your roles. But, I know that you've said you basically stuffed down a lot that happened during that time and that is what you had to do to move forward. If so, it makes sense that you've maintained more of a (subconscious) detachment with Landon. And, because he seems like a sensitive and intuitive kid, he's likely felt that in some way, but, of course, has no way to understand it. I realize that this is a lot of backseat analysis, and that it's completely unsolicited and might be received with defensiveness. I hope you don't view it as an attack on you or your parenting skills in any way. It's meant to be more of a completely unbiased perception from someone who has read along with your sweet family for over a decade, and is just meant as something to consider.
Wow I'm sorry but this comment was over the line. To suggest that she's somehow detached from her son and then throwing an incident from 10 years ago back in her face as the reason why, based on reading blog entries from her 2x a week? Seriously.
Delete"throwing an incident from 10 years back in her face"? Not hardly. That insinuates that I am 1) casting blame and 2) being aggressive, neither of which are true. I am merely suggesting a very real possibility that she has maintained a subconscious level of detachment from her son based on a very traumatic incident that occurred through no fault of her own. Psychologically, it makes a lot of sense. It's not assigning blame or throwing anything in her face. To think that an incident that was that scary and traumatic WON'T have long-term consequences psychologically is naïve. I will agree that a blog is not the best place to address it - but it is what it is. If she were a friend of mine IRL, it is something I would bring up gently as a possibility.
DeleteJust delurking to say you rock! To me, you come across as a fantastic (though understandably frustrated) mother.
ReplyDeleteTeenage boys (I have sons ages 16, 18 and 21) are just as emotional as girls in a different way and I believe there is still boy/girl stereotypes. It's a hard spot to be in, especially if one doesn't fit the "norm". For example, my middle son is fantastic with kids but do you think anyone would hire him to babysit? Absolutely not because people assume that he would be careless, not follow the rules, be able to cook or, God forbid, behave inappropriately. My oldest pushed my buttons like no one else and it took for him moving out for college for us to be able to catch our breath and relax the shoulders. And, you are far more controlled in your response than I was/am so remember, we are only human and forgive yourself. From the outside, I have been envious of your family life and how you manage it all so fabulously- hang in there and keep doing what you are doing!
ReplyDeleteWe live in New England and one of my guys wears shorts almost year round. He will concede and put on a sweatshirt sometimes:)
((hug)) for support, dear bloggy friend. Love you and you're doing JUST FINE. Don't ever change.
ReplyDeleteAlso: did Landon name the BoB team? Does he stay up late into the night reading like his Mama?? :) How cute!
While I totally get that some parents don't feel comfortable with having feelings and opinions not just for, but also about, their kids out loud...I do not feel that way.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is extremely perceptive and she hates when I (or most anyone she cares about) sugar coat things for her. Do we occasionally yell? Yup. Does it make me any less of a loving parent? Nope! You do you, your parenting style, and your relationship with your kid(s). If it works, then its the right way.
That being said, I fall on the opposite side of the fence here. My daughter knows when she has truly angered or hurt me. My daughter knows that I am human too, and that I don't like being treated poorly, I don't like it when she's mean to me, I feel disrespected if she lies. She knows that I get angry, sometimes even at her! My daughter and I have an amazing relationship, and my own honestly with her has given her the emotional skills to deal with her own feelings and those of people around her...and I don't think that would be the slightest bit true (for us) if I parented her in any other way.
Nichole, I'll take note that my opinion doesn't count. You can agree with Lag Liv and support her without taking pot shots at people who read things another way. Everyone who has expressed being uncomfortable has been polite in their feedback.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading here since Landon was born and I am going to wade into these comments to say a few things. First of all, since I am in school full time (psychology, FWIW) I limit my blog reading drastically to you and cup of jo, just bc I have so little time. The reason I keep reading you is because you are not only funny, stylish (make up and hair/skin and fashion tips ftw!), and incredibly inspiring, but also because you exude health in every area of your life and home. How you love your parents and grandparents, how you raise your children (I have two teenagers and I am constantly absorbing new ideas and wisdom from you), how you set boundaries, and how you relate to your husband and take care of yourself are all wonderful gifts to those of us inspired and motivated by your candor and wit.
ReplyDeleteYour love for your kids is not only lavishly apparent, your willingness to consult therapists (amazing! so FEW parents do that for these types of normal challenges and your immediate application of the input you received blew me away) and your partnership with your husband in how you apply boundaries and love is truly beautiful and incredible. I do not have my doctorate yet, but I promise you I will be reading you as long as you keep writing precisely because your health and love are so inspiring to this (hopefully) someday-psychologist.
What you write about are NORMAL, HUMAN, NOT UNCOMMON parenting dilemmas and I have so much admiration for how you handle them. This is - in my opinion - not the forum for giving you any input that you so clearly are gathering elsewhere from trusted and learned resources. I worry that this comment section will hurt you and cause you to be a lot more guarded on this blog and that would be a loss to those of us like me who are so grateful for your writing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your vulnerability and the gift you offer of normalizing the phenomenally hard work it is to raise kids, work outside the home and also value our selves. You are a gift. Most children should be so lucky as to have a mother like you and everything you said you hope comes through about your love for them I read loud and clear.
xoxoxo
I so wish I could "like" comments. This was beautifully written and important to say. I agree with it all.
DeleteI’ve been reading for a long time and rarely comment. What I love about your blog is how honest and real you are in both happy times and challenging ones. I hope you continue to share your beautiful story with us. I know it inspires me. I’m going to have my third (surprise) baby in a few months and your experiences have provided so much encouragement. I really look up to you as a parent and know many others do as well.
DeleteThank you Misha (and others) from the bottom of my heart. I wish I had your email so I can just write to you directly, but I cannot tell you the salve your comment was on a raw heart just now. I had discontinued my email notifications for new comments at 11 and had been afraid to log in and read the new ones now. I just genuinely wasn't expecting a catch-up post about a few full and crazy days, including a proud and excited recap of a victorious Landon + smart girls team reading competition, to end up slapping me in the face with the worst days of my life a decade ago. I didn't think, and upon too much "of course all criticism is true"-Type-A-reflection still truly do not believe, that my real life actions or even my decade of words here reflect a bitter anger towards my son or years of distance or disconnection. I just don't.
DeleteI'm not going to debate it - I got diagnosed with Strep this afternoon and literally don't have the energy, and it only sounds defensive no matter how thoughtfully I try to write it in my head. I have ten years of words here; they're my truth, if only a small part of it, and I think they're largely a loving one. But all comments live in my head forever, so to the extent each give me something to think about that might be helpful I will.
But before I take a few more drugs and go to bed I wanted to say thank you.
I sincerely apologize if you felt that my comment was criticism. I thought I worded it very carefully and thoughtfully, and have re-read it several times to see where the criticism or judgment may lie, but I don't see it. I truly meant my comment to be helpful - something that someone completely emotionally removed from the situation and with a very unique perspective may be able to see that others (the professionals you are consulting) may not see, as they don't have the benefit of reading through 10 years of archives, etc. It was truly just something I put out there for you to consider and evaluate within yourself. I am someone who does a ton of self-reflection and, by nature, am very analytical. Suggesting that you might have a slight emotional detachment with Landon was not meant, at all, to be a negative judgment or criticism against you... but traumatic things from our past DO come back and haunt us in all sorts of ways - and what you went through WAS traumatic, and every mother's worst nightmare. I never intended for my comment to be perceived as blaming or critical, and I'm very sorry if that was how it came across. Again, while I DO agree that a blog is not the best forum for that feedback, it's not like I could just go out for a margarita and talk about life with you. Again, I am very sorry if my comments hurt you - that was never my intent, and I definitely didn't mean to "slap you in the face" with things that happened a decade ago. I don't believe anything in my comment suggested a bitter anger towards your son, and a psychological detachment is not a negative judgment against you or your abilities as a mother; it's a defense mechanism that you MAY have employed to get you through a hard time. And, in case this didn't come across in my original comment, I'm certain that your parenting on your worse days still far exceeds many of us on our best days.
DeleteI agree 100% with Misha!
DeleteWendy, your "apology" is a perfect example of "sorry I hurt your feelings but I was 100% justified in what I said and I will say it again just in case it didn't hurt enough the first time." Enough already.
DeleteI have read your blog for years, but rarely comment. Once I told you how much your sweet and lovely mother reminds me of my wonderful mother that I lost in 2015. I read very few blogs, but I read this one religiously and I’m so grateful for it.
ReplyDeleteI will echo Misha’s statement that she’s afraid this comment section will hurt you and you will be more guarded from here on out. I very much hope that won’t be the case, but I understand if it is.
When I was growing up, I sometimes behaved toward my mother as Landon is behaving toward you. I’ve been mining those interactions and feelings in my head in the hopes that I can tell you something that might be helpful. I felt helpless and not in control, and making my mother hurt, too, made me feel more in control. It gave me a sense of power in a world where I felt I had none. This is painful for me to talk about because while my mother had many flaws (we all do), she never deserved that behavior from me.
Your love for your children, your husband, your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, your friends and your community is incredibly clear. I’ve thought of you often over the last couple days and wish you a peaceful heart.
Heather, I remember that comment about your mother! I am so sorry that you lost her and I very much hope that the mining of your less sparkling teenage interactions were her was not too painful and that you were able to end thinking about all the good ones. I want you to know that this quote "I felt helpless and not in control, and making my mother hurt, too, made me feel more in control. It gave me a sense of power in a world where I felt I had none." spoke to me and meshed so well with how James and I have been talking about these particular type of fits. I'm still not sure precisely what to do about them, but your words echoed explanations and understanding we've tried to piece together for a kid not yet old enough to do that for us himself.
DeleteSecondly, and I am sure you know this, but I can't go to bed without writing it: even as adult-you recognizes your mother might not have deserved whatever particular behavior you're remembering, it didn't matter, and she would have loved you SO MUCH underneath it (and on top of it and through it) anyway at that exact moment. As I was explaining to Landon in bed the other night, he can test it all he wants, but there is *nothing* that would change how much his dad and I love him. It's like an iceberg, huge and vast and sinking deep below the surface, unbothered by the waves sometimes crashing around us. He can hurt us and he can make tiny little chips at the top, he has that power and responsibility that you have to anyone who loves you and is vulnerable to you, and he has to decide how he wants to use it, but nothing nothing nothing ever will permanently change the iceberg itself. I have no doubt your mom loved you fiercely through the waves.
What a beautiful reply. Wishing you strength and compassion as you work through the challenges with your heart open to the good times at the same time.
DeleteYou are so kind to take the time to reply before bed last night! I greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness and your beautiful words. You are absolutely right, of course. Nothing I did or said to my mother in emotionally challenging times changed how she felt about me. We were incredibly close and shared a bond that death couldn’t shake. I feel her with me every day. I hope that you and Landon only grow closer as you navigate these sometimes difficult waters. Sending love your way.
DeleteThank you all for sharing. Thank you--Liz
DeleteI have read your blog since before Landon was born, but rarely comment. I just want to add my voice to the majority that read your blog and are refreshed by your honesty, candor, and incredible love for your family. You are totally #goals for me as a parent of three kids younger than yours and I adore your blog. My oldest child is a six year old boy with a huge heart and matching giant emotions. I have two younger girls who are seemingly easier at the moment. Admitting one kid is challenging in this season is so refreshingly honest. This comment section is making it clear as to why more bloggers gloss over the difficulties of parenting and are increasingly unrelateable.
ReplyDeleteI am saddened to see what this comment section has created bc like others I worry it will
ReplyDeletemake you question yourself. I have also been reading since Landon’s infant days and everything that happened and please know that anyone who tries to give psychological advice over a comment section SHOULD NOT BE. I say this because while their intentions may be good, they are not professionals who should be making these statements. Trust yourself, trust the therapists you are working with and trust your family. Do not trust internet commentators. Including myself! It’s your life and your kid and every parent is learning every day. Do not feel guilty for having fears, doubts or concerns. Many women and mothers deal with these issues and seeing someone else dealing with the same issues can make someone feel less alone, less like a bad mom, and less like a mistake. Should you consider Landon and how this can affect him if he were to find it? Sure. But clearly you have and continue to think through that and that will grow and change as he gets older. Life is hard enough without having to worry what everyone else thinks.
I do not have anything to add to many of the eloquent comments above, but I just wanted to let you know that--as a long-time reader--I am sending good thoughts and virtual hugs your way! You are a rock star mother, wife, daughter, and friend. As a mother of three myself (10, 8, & 6), I find your posts so refreshing and honest and I look forward to many more as you continue to navigate whatever challenges life throws at you with grace, style, and humor. Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteI have no perspective (with a female toddler and a female baby on the way and no tweens in sight for quite a while) and don't think I caught the first draft post, but I have to say I agree with Misha (including that yours is basically the only blog I read) that you come across as a loving, proud, and exceedingly patient mother who I (as a fellow working lawyer mom) would be honored to be compared to. If I can show half of the love, compassion, and empathy towards my kids that you do as they grow into their more difficult phases, I would be thrilled.
ReplyDeleteNothing new to add just wanted to add some support to the choir. I so enjoy your blog and honesty and saw no harm in what was shared. Moreover, I agree with the commenter above that it's important to show our children that parents have feelings and struggles too and I think that's exactly what your blog shows.
ReplyDeleteHugs and support from this corner too. Sometimes I think I'm dealing with similar parenting issues with my son and he's only 5.5 - eek, I know it's going to get so much harder (but also better too)!
ReplyDeleteHas this come across your radar? L sounds like a really bright kid. Does Texas test for giftedness?
Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students: Helping Kids Cope with Explosive Feelings https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008XKBHRO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_wJ3zAb8ZE87E7
Echoing other comments to not worry about 1 internet busy body. you're a great mom and i love your blog.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to chime in and add how much I love your blog and appreciate your honesty and realness that you bring every time you write. As a younger woman in the beginning stages of her career I've read your blog as a sort of inspiration (I think you are killing it with both the professional and personal aspects of your life!) I know the comments sting but I hope you can ignore the armchair psychologists and keeping doing what you know is best for you and your family. You are a great mom and that is the first thing that comes across when anyone reads your blog!
ReplyDeleteI think all readers commenting in this thread are regular, invested Lag Liv readers who appreciate LL's candidness in describing the different aspects of her life. This includes those readers who are asking hard questions.
ReplyDeletePerhaps Daisy didn't need to phrase things as being "wildly uncomfortable" or "cringeworthy," but that is how she felt and I am interested to read her opinion, as well as LL's response to it. Likewise, perhaps others could have been gentler in their comments stating "enough already," rejecting a reader's apology as not being apologetic enough, or concluding that "nobody with an opinion that counts" would share Daisy's perspective. Maybe Wendy was off-base with her assessment that LL has "a bit of a detachment" with Landon. Maybe LL was unfair in characterizing Wendy's (seemingly) nonjudgmental reference to a previous event as being "a slap in the face" when that event was very publicly chronicled in this blog as it was happening, and has been repeatedly referenced in other posts over the years. Maybe LL's comment wasn't even a reference to Wendy's statement, but just to the memory itself? We all have our own interpretation of things and opinions about everyone else's word choices.
Should LL change the voice of her blog for fear of being judged by her readers? Should people stop asking questions in the comments section for fear of being shut down by a resounding chorus of "the rest of us don't think that so ignore that person!"? Daisy posed a legitimate question about the need for privacy, which LL herself has addressed in other posts. Our interest in knowing every detail of LL's life does not need to factor into LL's decision about how much private information she's comfortable sharing. She can make that decision based on the unique needs of her family, which only her family knows and understands.
Okay, Wendy
DeleteDaisy here. I didn't mean to be hurtful. I tried not to be. But as someone who has read here for years and years what was once enjoyable has turned into feeling like I'm reading something I'm not supposed to- something that is private- about someone who isn't the author. And some of the comments about L and his behavior are things that if I read about me, written by my parent, I'd be crushed. And they are things that if my peers (back when I was Landon's age) read, they'd like make fun of me for. So that was all I was trying to say. Not start...this. That wasn't my intent, although I suppose intent doesn't matter. I too am a law mama and I have enjoyed this corner of the internet, and merely wanted to provide some outside perspective on what is clearly a tough personal issue.
DeleteEveryone. Stop. Seriously. Now you’re just trying to make yourselves feel better but you’re hurting someone and their family. Stop.
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