Friday, July 3, 2015

Shitshow with Tequila Curtain Calls

You guys, today I caught in a shitstorm. A real one, involving actual shit. I'm on my third margarita and I still don't think I can ever unsee the things (or unfeel the things... oh the feels of the things) or UNSMELL the things I have seen and felt and smelled today.

Yes, it's this one's fault

Now I have been a parent for 8 years, but I have never had a diaper blowout situation, and I have never had poop in places that aren't (1) diapers or (2) toilets. Maybe we've been unnaturally blessed, but potty training was never a big deal and I've changed maybe a handful of sheets that got wet overnight in the early days (all with Landon; Claire never had an accident because she was a potty training unicorn), but never ever poop. Poop is bad enough when you change it in a sterile field with fluffy wipes and pillowy soft organic diapers.

All my favorite children are potty trained.

But today, poop and I met on the rocky path that surrounds our pool.

It all started out well. The big kids were splashing and Cora was ordering everyone around.

She was wearing her adorable Honest Co. watermelon swim diaper and Claire's old cherry swim suit. I had my water, music, kindle, and another new Old Navy bikini because each piece was $6 last weekend and how could I not indulge in that? Plus it's pretty and looks unusually expensive for ON.

Cora looked cute too.

So all was well when Landon exclaimed, "Cora smells!" I ambled over, barely bothering to set down my kindle, and pulled down her suit all haphazard and casual-like to check things out when a turd fell out. Just fell out. I don't want to ruin your evening, but the situation digressed quickly. It was chunky and soupy and enormous in quantity. I faced terrible choices- run inside with the smelly leaking baby? leave the baby next to a water hazard to run inside for supplies? apply bleach directly or dilute with water first?

We're hosting a pool party tomorrow so I couldn't just throw her in the pool like I wanted to (cleanup was taking so long she'd started finger painting, finger painting with poop; my only goal became keeping it out of her mouth), so I used many wipes and then Tex decided the pile of wipes looked tasty so I had to get multiple layers of trash bags involved and oh my god there was STILL more poop. I sacrificed my shower in lieu of the pool and got Cora and I both clean. Then I cleaned the shower, and the pool deck, and the shower again, and the deck, and the swim suit and swim diaper, and now maybe the washing machine that washed the swim diaper?

Prior to the shitshow, I had been feeling all proud of myself for sipping my cucumber water instead of the margarita I really wanted. Well once I'd used up all our Chlorox, I made that pitcher of margaritas and I made it all for me. And then James pulled up 2 minutes later.

I've been slowly and steadily drinking my margaritas ever since. Now we're watching Jaws (and Jaws II, apparently). I'd never seen it before and I keep laughing and James doesn't think that's appropriate. He remains deathly afraid of sharks because of this movie. He is adorable.

I can't remember if I've shared my margarita recipe before, but as a gift for sitting through my terrible story, here is the best Party Margarita Recipe. Now this is not the very best margarita- that is at Polvo's Mexican Restaurant in Austin (second best are at Yucatan Taco Stand and Gloria's, here in Fort Worth). And my very favorite margarita is actually a classic mix of 2 oz. silver tequila + 1 oz. Cointreau + 1 oz. fresh lime juice, shaken with ice and strained into a martini glass (or back over fresh ice). But for an easy, throw it together for a group (or yourself) delicious pitcher of semi-slushy margaritas, this recipe is the best:

1 can frozen limeade
1 can tequila (use the empty can from the limeade)
1 can sprite (I always use diet)
1 Mexican beer (Corona is my fave)

1. Mix all ingredients together.
2. Pour over ice, add lime juice and salt if you want to be fancy. Drink!

May tomorrow be filled with more margaritas and much less poop. Happy almost 4th to you all!


  1. Hilarious as a reader but dreadful for you. My goodness.

    Have a fabulous weekend!

  2. I'm so impressed this is your first bad poop experience in 8 years! I've had so so many!

  3. Love to try the big is one can of tequila? I've only see them come in bottles.

    1. I should have been more clear- just use the can from the frozen limeade to measure the tequila! I have never seen tequila in a can either, though now I'm intrigued by the concept- so much more portable!

  4. Please share your potty training method! We're on day four over here and it is not going well at all.

    1. Yes, please share! Potty training will be coming up for us soon, and I'd love to hear some successful methods.

    2. Unfortunately, I really don't have any great insight to share. With Landon we waited till he was about 2 years and 9 months and seemed to understand what was going on. He had a couple accidents, but in about 3 days was potty trained. He still wore a diaper at night and then one night before bed (about 2 weeks later) James just said hey, you're a big boy, and big boys don't go potty in bed. And he never did. Like ever. I had a way more gentle plan in mind, and was totally annoyed at James that night, but it worked out.

      Claire was literally a unicorn and we can take no credit for anything. At 2 years and 3 months she found Landon's old Fisher Price froggy potty and pulled it out of the bathroom cabinet. She then proceeded to remove her diaper and use it and was pretty much potty trained from then on. We put her in a diaper for a few weeks because it seemed way too good to be true, but she'd hold it until we put her on the potty again. We are desperately hoping Cora takes after her sister, but are prepared to google potty training strategies if she's not!

  5. Eek! That does not sound fun at all. Parenthood is scary, hehe. At least you enjoyed some much deserved margaritas after all ;)

  6. I just hope you know how hard I'm giggling at this (and therefore how hard karma has it in for me in ~3.5 months, probably).

  7. Hilarious!! That story was awesomely told.