Thursday, December 11, 2014

And then the peninsula broke off

So when talked last, I was lamenting my kitchen-less state and drinking a lot of wine to compensate. Well, a lot has changed, I've now kind of forgotten what it was like to have a kitchen and a house not covered in piles of stuff covered in piles of dust and while I'm still drinking a lot of wine, I've added some Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Covered Peppermint Joe Joe's to my diet to soak it up. So big things! They're happening around here.

This past weekend was kind of terrible. Not having a kitchen is always terrible but not having school and work and the pool to escape to makes it so much worse. There's just dust and dirt and tarps and construction equipment and DUST everywhere. So for the first time ever I assisted with the yard work, raking and picking up leaves alongside our child workers. When I came outside and started picking up leaves in my lulu leggings and suede low heel booties, Landon exclaimed, "Mommy! I didn't know you could pick up leaves too!!" He was genuinely so excited for me to have figured it out. We spent about 8 hours raking and scooping and had 32 lawn bags to show for it. Giant oak trees, almost as awesome as kitchen renovations.

The primer was sprayed on the cabinets that day and it was the most terrible step of all. It smelled so unbelievably toxicly bad that when we got back from dinner we could smell the primer from the driveway while still inside the car with the windows rolled up. Should any of you ever redo a kitchen, I really highly recommend you just move the F out until it's done.

On Sunday, as we sat down to another dinner of microwave food (the congo line of items to be microwaved each night makes my soul wither a little more: Landon's meal, Claire's meal, Cora's meal, my meal, JP's two meals, steam veggie in a bag; it's like 25 solid minutes of microwaving)- the big kids in the play room because the kitchen table is now lost under the dust pile and they can't be trusted on the couches in the TV room, Landon joyfully exclaimed, "Mom, redoing out kitchen is great because we get to eat in such neat places!" Yep. SO GREAT.

There has been an enormous amount of counter top drama that I have spared you, gentle readers. We picked one and it was sold. We picked another that we knew was sold but they were getting more in from the same lot in a week. JP went to approve it before it was cut and sent me a picture that I thought was a joke. The only similarity to the one we saw before was that it was also made of stone. So, with visions of being countertop-less until 2015 threatening to make my mind unravel, I raced off to a different granite yard and found one I liked almost as much but it was 20% more expensive. But then the original place got another shipment in at 8 a.m. on Saturday that looked like the one we liked and they matched their original quote but THEN they couldn't install them until after Christmas and apparently the face I made at that news was so terrible and terrifying that without my ever saying words, he started flipping back through his book and fitting us in at 8 a.m. today. JP said it was nothing he's ever seen my face do before. I kind of wish he'd taken a picture.

So we have countertops! Our floors need to be grouted and we need a backsplash and the walls and ceiling and trim needs to be painted. And we need appliances and plugs and light switches and lights. But it LOOKS like we kind of have a kitchen and I'm starting to believe that one day we will and that little flicker of hope is giving me the will to start unearthing my living room from under the construction dust. JP kind of had a mental breakdown last night where he just sort of froze and asked for a dust cloth and then dusted for a solid hour. It's harder for him because he works from home all morning and the amount of dust and paint fumes in his lungs is probably equivalent to a short term chain smoker.

I did take a break from drinking and eating dark chocolate covered Oreo's to wrap all our presents last night, so that's something. And Christmas cards are going out tomorrow. And work is super busy. But mostly I'm drinking wine and reading a trashy new paranormal romance series in the bathtub. I haven't even been to barre all week because I've been so busy with the reading about fallen angels while drinking. So remodeling the kitchen has been super good for my health.

On Saturday night, after all the raking and coughing up primer fumes, we stopped at Kroger on the way back from dinner. JP stayed in the car with the kids and I ran in to buy a bottle of screw top wine, a set of four plastic wine glasses to keep it classy, and a pint of dark chocolate chunk ice cream. And that was it. If I'd had the energy after all that raking I would have judged myself.

On the upside, now that JP is on the other side of his breakdown, he's having a great time messing with me about the renovation process while I'm at work.

Our text convos today:

Me: How does the granite look? Send pics!

JP: Awful. Makes me want to puke.

Me: JP.
My heart can only take so much.

JP: No seriously.
It's like Mother Earth emptied the ugliest contents of her bowels.

Me: JP!

~ ~ ~

Later in the afternoon I was in a meeting, interviewing a potential witness, when I saw I missed his call. Since he never calls me during the day I was concerned and texted him with:

Me: In a mtg. What's up?

JP: The peninsula broke off.


JP: Tried to get back to Mother Earth from whence it came.
Contractor is using the kids glue as we speak to reassemble it.
Gonna look great.

~ ~ ~

Nothing shows my fragile mental state right now than the fact that I kind of initially fell for that second one.


  1. Oh man, I can't imagine being kitchen-less for that long. But I can imagine everything else. That's my life every day with five people in a 950 sq. foot house. Ha! We're trying to decide between kitchen remodel, basement with playroom, or attic (bedroom and bathroom). I'm all, "Why can't we have ALL OF IT."

    Good call on screw top wine, btw!

  2. The slow cooker was the best thing for us during kitchen renovations. Also, if you have a rice cooker and enjoy jambalaya, Shrimp Opelousas is delicious:

    1. But how did you chop and clean everything (including the slow cooker)? That's our hardest thing- working off the tiny bathroom counter and sink we can barely chop up the fresh food for the girls lunches and even then I feel like all our nice organic produce ends up with dust in it (and our bathroom sink has some tiny bits of butternut squash in the drain). Not having the kitchen counter and sink (and garbage disposal and dishwasher; there is a fine film on all our lunch containers and sippy cups) has actually been worse than losing the stove.

    2. Our formal dining room normally only holds a piano and a couple of chairs, so there was room for us to bring in a couple of those plastic collapsable tables - one held our portable appliances and anything else we needed for cooking, with some cardboard boxes with pantry items underneath, and the other table was where we ate or did prep work. We used disposable dishes where we could, and used a plastic bin filled with water from the bathtub for cleaning everything else. We dumped the dirty water outside.

      I couldn't stop the whole house from being a dusty mess for a while, but the new kitchen's worth it!

  3. Oh, wow. I am so sorry!! Hoping it's not so bad!

  4. Your DH has the exact same sense of humor as mine. And I nearly always fall for it.

  5. You typically have not shared JP's sense of humor with your readers. He is hilarious. I hope you share more.

  6. I hope everything is done soon! I'm sure it will look great and you guys will love it!