Monday, June 18, 2012

Unbalanced

Last week was difficult.  Not because of the dinosaur roach, though that did not help, but because JP spent the entire week- up to and including the weekend and Father's Day- either out of town or working every single second of the day (and most of the time- both).

It is always hard when your spouse works 16 hours a day.  It was sometimes hard in Chicago when we didn't have kids and I didn't have a job.  It is eleventy million times harder now that we have two kids and I work full time.  I remember writing a post during a difficult week in Chicago- when I had finals or papers due or something and JP worked 80 hours in 6 days- and writing something to the effect of, "it doesn't work when both parties think they deserve pity at the same time."  JP needed some pitying because he was working non-stop and I needed some pity because I was on my own for 5 days with the kids and the dog and the house and the roach and the job and the cooking, cleaning, etc.  I didn't need much, but I needed some, and JP had none to give.  And he needed a lot and I quickly ran out.  So when Saturday morning rolled around and I just wanted to sleep in for a few minutes because yay we had another grown-up in the house again, and then he disappeared at 7 a.m. to go swim without telling me (assuming that, of course he'd get to go to practice- he'd worked like a maniac all week!), I was displeased to awaken and find him gone.  And much of the displeasure came from the fact that yes, he totally deserved to get to go swim and I knew that and damnit I don't really mind waking up and being with my children, but I've also missed him and I want him home and I don't want to mop on Saturday mornings anymore and I really miss having a housekeeper and I'm afraid to move that basket because what if there's another snake and I hate that my kitchen always has stuff on the counters but I'm tired of cleaning and drying and putting away all the tiny tupperware containers that accompany life with children and I'm on my fifth load of laundry in five days and why do my bathroom floors always look dirty even though I vacuum them every two days and if I see one more fucking springtail in the bathroom I am going to scream and oh there's the dryer ding and AHHH.  I am hostessing a pity party and NO ONE EVEN BOTHERED TO SHOW UP.  I work too, not as much as JP does, but full-time 45 hours a week and I did not sign on to do all the parenting and housework and shopping and bill paying and everything else that exists on the to-do list for a family of four.  It was really the mopping that pushed me over the edge.  I hate mopping and I was on room #4 when JP walked in and I just kind of lost my mind.  Not loudly, the children were awake after all, but not at all in the more reasoned, calm, hey I'm glad you got to have some you-time and it's so great to have you home but it would have be nice if you'd stayed in bed with me this morning.  I've missed you.

That is not what I said.  And then I felt bad and then I felt mad that I felt bad because I had some legitimacy to my annoyance but now I'd gone and lost all the moral high ground by being crazy and UGH. A life with two working parents with normal jobs (less than 50 hours/week) would be so easy right now.  I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.  Never- not even in my many playings of "house" when I was little with my friends.  The story always started with breakfast before I went to work, or dinner right after I came home from work ("work" was usually a veterinary clinic complete with stuffed animal patients and intake forms we painstakingly created; I have always loved a good form).  JP and I have always split things.  The work was not always even, but it was always divided.  Now I have this marvelously regular job with "light" hours and his job has gone crazy and nothing is even.  It's barely even divided.  And it's hard.  My inner oldest child is screaming "but it isn't fair I work too!" as my grown-up wife and partner-self knows I'd expect the same of him (and have expected the same of him) when I've worked like crazy for a period of time (see last August).  The division of labor right now is not the best- but I don't think best is possible when one member of the team is working 7 days a week.  I know this, try not to forget it, and complain here when I do.

And in a flip of things, I'm headed to DC tomorrow for a work trip.  I'll get to stay in the Mandarin Oriental, stop by the Home Office, and see two of my best friends from law school for dinner.  I'll be home Wednesday and we'll flip back.  One day, supposedly soon, we'll stop flipping and get back to balancing.  I miss the balancing.

17 comments:

  1. Hugs to you!

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  2. Thank goodness you have your blog to vent a little (or a lot). Sometimes that helps the most when you know your situation isn't going to be changing much soon. Will JP be working these crazy hours for the duration, or is there an end in sight? That always helps too.

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    1. He has been told there is an end in sight, but at this point I'm not sure either of us believe it. He's worked every weekend since February.

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  3. Fwiw...

    I feel your pain. It's hard whether you're working or not when the spouse is working a bajillion hours. And it's hard when you're on bedrest and the spouse is working a bajillion hours AND taking care of you and the kid and the house. It's hard when you're working a bajillion hours and your spouse works a mere 50 or 60 a week.

    But if there's one thing I've always found to be true, it's not that each of us is putting in 50%, it's that each of us is putting in everything we can, everything we've got.

    Some days you lose it anyway, and that's okay. You guys are still in a major readjustment period, no? You've only just moved, you both have new jobs that are each stressful and demanding in their own ways, and you have two little kids who are changing every day. Plus, killer cockroaches. (Did I ever tell you about the ones in Miami? I hate living in the south. Hate it.)

    Lose it once in a while, and rejoice in being human and having a husband you really miss when he's working non-stop. But if you start losing it daily (or maybe weekly), it might be time to start thinking about how you can remove one source of stress or another.

    My vote would be for a housekeeper. :)

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  4. Yes. You have just described my life, as someone who works a "normal" job but takes care of all of the home duties, it seems, while my workaholic husband works crazy hours, then comes home to work more.

    (Also, I an in NoVA, and totally want to come find you in DC and grab a drink and participate in your pity party... as long as it can be a double pity party).

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  5. I've been a long time reader but have never commented. I just wanted to say I totally feel you on this. I am also a full time working mom and while my husband isn't working as many hours as yours, here lately I don't feel the balance has been fair. And I am all about fairness! I had a freak out moment on him this weekend and I totally laughed when you said you felt bad and then mad and then felt like you lost all high moral ground by being crazy. Yup, that pretty much sums it up :-)
    Hope things get more balanced for you in your life.

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  6. I am so glad you wrote this. I am printing it and giving it to my husband to read. We don't have kids, but I have a job that is usually fairly "light" at 45-ish hours/week. However, there are times where it's 60 hours/week in the office and then 2-3 hours of emails every night. For the past 5 months, his job has been 80-90 hour weeks and now that his job is down to 40 (or less!) hours/week, instead of picking up some of the slack around the house, he comes home and "unwinds" with an hour or two on the bike/bowflex/etc. What I would like is for him to unwind by unloading the dishwasher and actually putting the damn dishes in the cabinets instead of leaving them sitting on the counter and expecting praise for "doing the dishes."

    Sorry, sort of hijacked that with my own vent. Anyway, I love the way you put this and I'm going to give it to my husband and tell him that this is how I feel!

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  7. I've been there. I've done that. I've had that pity party and been the only one to show up. It...sucks. The only thing that helps me is a good night's sleep and time alone, and it sounds like you're going to get that! Have a good trip and enjoy!

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  8. I heard somewhere that Americans are putting in more hours than in decades past. I really hope the effort of all those hours are truly realized eventually. And by working, I think that applies to moms/dads at work and stay at home. I had a working mom so there really wasn't a chance for me to do much extracurricular but as a stay at home mom now, I'm hardly at home once the kids are home from school at 11:30 and then later bus at 2pm. I want to keep up with the times by allowing my children to participate in activities, though keeping them limited based on age/economics/etc., but where's the down time/catch up time/household chores time anymore? Play dates, volunteering, classroom mom, PTO, errands, etc. Cook? Clean? Laundry? That's all challenging on a stay at home mom...you're a working mom LL...give yourself a break in some aspect of your busy life! I second the motion to hire a housecleaner!
    Desimom

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  9. So I noticed a grammar error in my comment above...should read "hope the effort of all those hours IS truly realized..."

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  10. This balance is so hard. It is something I really struggle with because I would really like to work full-time if the opportunity arose, but I feel like if both of us are working full time, then all we will ever do is work--work at our jobs and then come home and do everything else we already do and feel like we don't have time for. I don't think having one parent home makes it any easier (that stay at home person has more flexibility, but also has to spend his/her days doing boring, repetitive jobs that never end and offer no sense of satisfaction, personal or otherwise... and the workload is still too much for one person so no matter what you do the other spouse still needs to help out a little in the evenings but then he/she is tired and wants to relax (or has even more work to do from home). It would be much easier if a full-time job was actually 40 hours a week like it is supposed to be. If that was the case, we would both be working and still have some hope of a normal home life.

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  11. Treat yo self in DC! The Mandarin has two terrific restaurant - Sou'wester for upscale southern cooking (sit on the patio if it isn't too hot!) and Cityzen for fancy, wonderful food (eat at the bar to stay somewhere in the range of per diem). It'll do you good before you head home and the switch happens.

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    1. yes--i live in Southwest DC and went to Sou'wester for my birthday. If they still have the rhubarb claufoutis dessert and you don't hate rhubarb, get it. it was amazing.

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  12. DC=bug free bathtub. Take advantage! :)

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  13. Holy crap, it's like you wrote out my inner dialog of crazy! I totally get it. The tipping point of my crazy lately has been Husband getting off work late thanks to some changes at the hospital, which means I get the morning routine with the kids in addition to the evening routine with the kids, because he's gone four nights a week. Then I read that stupid Wurtzel article today about how all rich ladies are anti-feminist because they don't work and they have nannies, and I was all, dammit! That should totally be me! I was made for luxury! I was not made for cleaning stuff! Or preparing my own food! Or getting out of bed before noon! Sigh.

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  14. Oh god, I am glad I am not the only one who behaves like this. You described the mixed emotions of getting frustrated/angry/wanting attention perfectly! Hope your life balances out very soon. And I have developed a great deal of rage towards springtails on your behalf. I've never seen them, but I hate them! Good luck.

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  15. Wow, this was a really timely post. I would write more, but the feelings are still raw. What's scary to me is that right now, for us, it's the easiest it is going to be for a long time, and we're STILL not handling it well. I really do not know how a couple manages to work and commute and excel and take care of their children and run a household and still have anything left over for themselves or each other. I have really admired the way you and JP take care of each other and yourselves, all while seeming to navigate the day to day of life. Maybe you need less sleep than we do :)

    Anyway, I just want to say that you are clearly not alone. It's really HARD when it is just your little family and you don't have a bigger network to fall back on when you need a break. We just get run ragged, then explode, then recover, then do it all over again, hoping that one day it will get easier, and not harder, as I know our lives soon will be. (Sorry, clearly paving the way for my own pity party...)

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