Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Freedom and Resolutions

It's been a week since my last post- there's been a lot going on that I can't post about (yet) and then there's also been so little going on there wasn't much to post about (simple weekend, another hike, getting back in the work routine), and then the new Kresley Cole "Immortals After Dark" book came out yesterday so I had to drop everything and read it (Lothaire- SO GOOD!). But today I'm wearing my ruby red heels, a black pinstriped pencil skirt, and a white button down, and feel sufficiently powerful and lawyerish that I'm sure I can accomplish anything, including finishing and publishing posts that have been languishing in my drafts folder. Like this one about my 2012 resolutions.

I tend to make resolutions whenever I think of them, so January 1st doesn't usually bring anything new to my list of Goals and/or Things To Work On. I actually feel really good about where I am, and where we are, in terms of most of our goals from 2011. We spent a lot of the past year talking about what we wanted and how we were going to get there, and then getting there and reevaluating what we wanted (i.e., wanting JP's full-time employment, getting there and setting a whole new set of goals for how we were going to make that goal work in a way that didn't ruin all our other goals). But reading everyone else's resolutions has made me think about one that is noticeably absent from my more recent lists (that was always number one on my old ones): losing weight and/or working out. In part because I've given up and accepted that I'm never going to work out in my rare and precious free time, but it's in larger part because I am at peace with my body. Yes, I miss feeling as fit as I used to, and my stomach is so squishy that Claire can lose her whole fist in there, and I miss lifting a weight at the gym while looking in the mirror and thinking "I am making my body stronger." But it's okay. I'm active, I almost never sit down when I'm not forced to (like at work on a deadline), I eat well, I lift my kids, I hike and run and play outside with my family. I use my body, even if the physical benefit is now a side effect instead of the whole purpose of whatever I'm doing.

But by far my biggest change has come in my relationship with food. I love food. I consider chocolate chip cookies to be one of my hobbies and eating one is often the highlight of my afternoon. But food does not control me. Now, I eat cookies because I love them, not because I've done something special to "deserve" them or because I've eaten badly and thrown the day away so I should have a bunch or because I ate less at lunch and now "need" to fill that caloric hole or because of anything other than the fact that cookies taste delicious and I like them. If you're someone who's never had issues with food, you can't imagine the power of that sentence.

Food used to have such a hold on me. For the most part, I came by it honestly. Starting in 8th grade I swam 2-4 hours a day and I was hungry All The Time. Swimming itself wasn't the problem, I was just always starving and I didn't make good choices to fill the pit in my stomach. I weighed more than I should have and trying to eat less always failed because I was so hungry. I had major hip surgery in 2001 and had to stop swimming for several months. The thing I remember most from that was waking up a day or two after the surgery and realizing that I wasn't hungry. My first thought was not about breakfast and the rest of my thoughts weren't dominated by what I could have for lunch and then dinner. It was so freeing. I lost 10 lbs. in a month. Two years later, I was 20 lbs. lighter and completely obsessed with every bite I took. I flirted with throwing up when I ate too much (one of the only things I've tried in life and utterfly failed at), restricting what I was allowed to eat down to almost nothing, and obsessively tracking the number of calories I was eating. My college notebooks are littered with tiny numbers lined up in totals in the margins- calculations of the calories I'd consumed that day, with subtractions for the calories I'd burned by working out. The goal was always for the net to be under 1,000. I wouldn't waste exercise running or hiking outdoors because I wouldn't have been able to know the exact number of calories the machine said I was burning and then I couldn't subtract it and then how would I know whether or not I could eat more at dinner? I got better and worse and better again over the next few years.

Then Landon was born and my world was no longer about me. I couldn't control it and I couldn't plan ahead for anything. Rather than cause me to buckle down even tighter on my eating, it freed me completely. Finishing my lunch did not mean obsessing over what was for dinner. Finishing lunch was an accomplishment (making lunch was an accomplishment) and then I was busy with my fussy baby until I was able to make and eat food again later. I also fully realized that I was an adult with a car and a credit card and, theoretically, I could go get whatever food I wanted whenever I wanted it (at least after the baby woke up). This also freed me. I didn't need to eat 10 bites of dessert if I was full after 2 because I could go buy that dessert again one day in the future. And, since I didn't feel compelled to eat every bite of that dessert, I didn't need to feel bad or guilty after the meal, and then I didn't need to work out to lose that certain number of extra calories. I could just eat, or not, based on whatever my body wanted at the time. Freedom.

I haven't worked out in a gym since 2005. I haven't weighed myself regularly since 2007. The scale on our bathroom floor has had a dead battery since my pregnancy with Claire. I have actually forgotten the number of calories in the average apple and every other food on the planet. And despite this lack of focus on food or exercise- or perhaps because of it- my body is now the size and general shape I always wanted it to be. I drink a glass of wine almost every day, but rarely drink two. I love margaritas and have one almost every Friday. I eat the food I want and whatever meal is in front of me and I enjoy it. I don't worry about the next one- what it will be, exactly when it will be, and what I should do in the meantime to earn it. I don't snack, because I don't get hungry between meals, no matter how many articles say many small meals are better than fewer big ones. I don't eat breakfast because it gives me a stomach ache. I eat a huge lunch because I love the feeling of being full around noon and eating gives me energy rather than making me feel sleepy. I eat a smaller dinner because I don't like feeling full when I go to bed. On the mornings I happen to wake up hungry, I eat breakfast, because not eating breakfast isn't a rule, it's just usually what my stomach wants me to do. There aren't any rules to follow any more. When I'm not hungry, I don't eat- because I don't have to eat just because it's a meal time, I can eat when I'm hungry. Food is always available to me if I want it. Just the same, if I'm hungry and it's not a meal time, that's okay too. There aren't any rules.

I'm not sure I can adequately describe how freeing all this is- how impossible my 2003-era self would have found it- or how much I hope Landon and Claire can adopt my more recent approach to food and avoid my former one. I think the best JP and I can do (JP has always had a healthy attitude toward food and eating; his is basically the one I have now- there is no censure in eating, ever; it is a part of life and a fabulous one at that) is to live by example, avoid negative comments about other people or ourselves, and share our love of food.

So if I were to write them out, I think my resolutions for the year are to spend more time outside, to continue going on adventures in and around Austin, to try yoga, to read more legal-type articles and headlines (and probably less paranormal romance, though seriously, the Immortals After Dark series is super fun), to learn how to cook chicken, and to get back to shooting my camera in manual. Meeting those goals would be great; failing at them won't affect my self-image or my self-worth. Freedom.

17 comments:

  1. Well put. I can very much relate to your post, many of my habits were the same! I too noticed that so many resolutions were about limiting food intake. My resolutions this year were so different -- meditate daily, practice Reiki, practice yoga with meditation, remove fear, just be...

    Food is DELICIOUS. It should be celebrated. All foods (ranging from leafy greens to creamy budino). The goal should ultimately be healthy in mind, body and spirit. Thank you for the beautiful reminder=)

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  2. Thank you for this. I have a daughter now and it literally terrifies me that girls as young as five can think of themselves as "too fat."

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  3. I am still in the old you stage, and I cannot imagine how freeing it will feel if/when I reach a better relationship with food. I used to have one, but it changed somewhere through undergrad. You look good and go out a lot. I am constantly impressed that you make time for hiking and baking!

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  4. I've always been an obsessive calorie counter, even while pregnant. It's just second nature to me. I can imagine it must feel amazing to not have it on your mind anymore. My eating habits become so much healthier with and after my first pregnancy. I went from constantly nibbling on low-calorie food to eating actual real meals, with meat and protein!

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  5. P.s. It totally doesn't show that you each whatever you want. You commented that your tummy was squishy but you seriously look amazing and very slender!

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  6. You are a slender, lovely woman. If I could get your results, I'd totally be Zen about food! But unless I run 15-20 miles a week, and do some non-obsessive-yet-still-gently-monitoring calorie control, I get fatter, very quickly. The metabolism slow-down crept up on me slowly - I noticed it at about age 32 - and then the 2011 Spluttering Death of My Thyroid accelerated the weight gain in ways I never thought possible for me. I wish I didn't care about being fatter, but I do. I feel normal at 140 pounds-ish (I don't have a working scale either, but I know what 140 lbs looks like on me). I look normal (for myself) at that size. I feel healthy at that size. And as of the last couple years, it takes a great deal of work to stay that size (I haven't managed it, not for a full year). I have to make exercise a priority - and I am an urban dweller! I walk everywhere! My "passive" exercise is off the charts! What UP, metabolism? Throw me a bone! Sometimes I feel guilty for assigning so much value to my size - especially because most men I know could care less as they get fatter with age. But then I think that being 20 pounds heavier - making my BMI an unhealthy one - isn't so great either. It's like guilt guilt guilt, all the time, either way.

    My silver lining is - at least my cardiovascular fitness is off the charts, from all this incessant running. Also, I like to exercise. I genuinely do. I take the kids on my runs and bike rides. They increase the intensity (dragging 70 pounds plus stroller/bike trailer is an amazing workout intensifier), as well as the fun.

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    1. Exactly - as early as undergrad I ate healthier but GAINED weight as a result for the first time in my life. I'm just not willing to go back to that- so I work out every morning and keep track of calories. My metabolism doesn't allow me to do anything else and avoid gaining weight that is unhealthy. I'm not looking to be rail thin either- just maintaining weight requires constant maintenance.

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  7. Your new feelings about food are awesome for so many reasons but particularly because they come in time for Claire to be able to benefit from your example. I remember crying the first time the scale hit 100 lbs (yeah, 100). What a waste of energy that was.

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    1. Ugh, I remember similar freak outs. But wanting to set a good example for my my kids (but my daughter especially, given the way our society is structured) contributed to my sanity.

      Paragon, I clearly remember panicking on my twenty-second birthday. 22!

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  8. I recently downloaded Health at Every Size from Kindle - basically it advocates your approach - of listening to your body and paying attention to how you feel when you eat. Learning that your body, on its own, once probably knew how you needed to eat, and how to get back to it.

    That said I'm about 30kgs overweight so something more drastic is appealing!

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  9. This is a kick-ass post. Also, more generally, I like that you write about the things that go right. It is inspiring.

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  10. Thanks for this. The exact same thing about food and calorie counting and exercise has happened in my life. Growing up and learning to live is awesome.

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  11. I love this. I love love love this. I'm still getting to the point where I don't have food issues. I still hate eating in front of people and so that makes me more apt to binge when I'm alone. It's really hard to explain (even to myself) that I can be a smart, educated, hard-working person and still have to justify to myself why it's okay to eat a Dorito. Thank you.

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  12. Great post! One of my (very few) resolutions is to find new music to add to my library once a month. I used to really like music, but got to where I really disliked it. (So obnoxious, irritating--what other people around me listen to or muzak in the store--and finding my own seemed such a time suck! who has time to listen through something to find out if it is enjoyable? ? How long do I have to wait before I can make a determination and turn it off!? lol hardly the mindset to engender music appreciation!

    As for resolutions, I'm not making any it is not okay to fail at--things that must be done. :)

    As for making chicken, these are my two go-tos:

    http://foodwishes.blogspot.com/2008/08/grilled-lemon-yogurt-chicken-featuring.html

    I love this on tenders or another cut, too! For those (not bone-in pieces), I often just saute them. I only make the dipping sauce in the summer to go with the grilled whole chicken. Almost all Chef John's recipes are amazing. Think great modern american cooking which is always worth the effort. He totally simplifies things, but if he asks for an extra ingredient/technique/effort it is always a huge payoff in a cost/benefit consideration.

    http://justbento.com/handbook/recipe-collection-mains/the-easiest-always-moist-poached-chicken

    Perfect "plain" chicken every time, and the "chicken salad" recipe maki gives is great, too!

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  13. Wonderful post. I could relate to so much of it - my college and couple years post college self had that same attitude towards food and exercise. I got better when I met my husband in 2005, but it wasn't until I wanted to get pregnant and found myself too underweight to conceive that I got serious about having a better attitude about food. And it was absolutely freeing. Now I have a 2 month old and weigh exactly what I did when I had gained enough to conceive my little girl. I feel better, and often hear that I look better, than I did at my lower weight.

    I also hope my daughter adopts a healthy attitude toward food and activity, and never goes through the difficulties with food and body image that I did.

    All the best to you with your fun adventures in 2012!

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  14. OMG have you seen the summer version of your shoes? http://www.katespade.com/designer-shoes/women%27s-flats/cindy-1/S942396,default,pd.html?dwvar_S942396_color=266&start=1&cgid=shoes-new-arrivals

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  15. Yes and I am obsessed with them! If I was a lady who lunched, or if we belonged to a country club and I could wear capris and sun dresses, I would absolutely own those. But I just can't justify spending that for a pair of shoes I can't wear to work Mon-Fri. They're beautiful though, aren't they? There's a black and white striped pair that I love too. Sigh... sometimes I think Kate Spade and I share part of a brain, she just has the extra parts that come up with the visions and then make them come true.

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