Calm Abiding

I went to yoga against yesterday. I've now spent a grand total of 3 hours in a yoga class in my entire life, all of them in the last 3 weeks, and I'm kind of obsessed. It came to me at a good time (or, really, I came to it). Yesterday's lesson focused on shámatha, a Buddhist "calm abiding" meditation using a dhárana, or single point of concentration. In short, by focusing on something other than all the things bouncing around in your head (aptly described as the monkey brain), like your body position and breathing, you give your monkey brain a branch to rest upon. And my little brain monkey needed a rest. As an added bonus my legs and arms were stretched to their max and my core muscles got a workout, but none of that compares to those few blessed moments that I was able to clear my head and focus solely on a spot beyond my closed eyelids. I leave that class feeling so relaxed and happy- a feeling that continued even after I came home to a house that was still missing a back door (it's back on now and looks FABULOUS), a shorted out electrical switch in the attic (that JP attempted to repair and nearly electrocuted himself; the trained and licensed electrician comes tomorrow), and an ever growing to-do list for getting our house on the market. I'll be at the studio every Sunday until we move, no matter how much JP lovingly mocks my non-aerobic monkey brain workout.

In the spirit of calm abiding, we spent some time hanging out in our master bedroom yesterday. Growing up, I don't think I ever once saw my parent's bed unmade. They went to bed after me and they were up and dressed with their bed perfectly made long before we woke up, so I can only picture their bed in a state of throw-pillowed perfection. JP and my bed is not like that. It's our oasis, a completely kid-free zone from bedtime until morning, but we never make it up, and everyone in the family is generally in and out of it throughout the day on the weekends. It's the place I sneak away to read one more chapter of my book mid-morning, the place I find JP asleep with the covers over his head, hiding from his to-do list in the afternoon (he always falls asleep within 60 seconds of laying down; drives me CRAZY, mostly with jealousy), it's the tickling, teasing, board book reading gathering place with the kids after they get up from their naps, my retreat when I have a headache, and the place I push JP in order to cuddle for just a few minutes in the middle of the day when I don't want to think about to-do lists anymore either... it's not in the physical center of our house, but on the weekends, it often serves as the spot our day ends up revolving around.

After a fun and productive weekend (I made food for every day of this week, and cookies, mostly so I could eat a cup of dough- my appetite is confused after my random two days of intense skiing), today has been the opposing of a calm abiding. I did our taxes and discovered we owed an additional several thousand dollars, a result of not sufficiently withholding extra money from JP's paychecks (a result of having never had two full-time incomes before). I found out that I officially did not get a bonus. I figured, but I had a secret hope that I qualified under the "merit" portion. As it turns, no amount of perfect reviews or partners crying because you're leaving can make up for missing the 2,000 hour threshold (and no amount of 200+ hour months can make up for your first 3 months being under 100 hours because work was so slow during the first quarter of the year). I talked to JP as he was picking up his newly repaired and repainted car and he told me his new company doesn't pay bonuses until April (we thought it was end of Jan when their fiscal year closes). And all this info sprinkled in while I talked to realtors, inspectors, electricians, home stagers, and lenders. Also, Claire sobbed at daycare drop off. I want my dhárana back.

It'll work out, because it always does. We'll probably have to go to an apartment first (or rent a house, but my Ft Worth realtor confirmed that there is not much of a home leasing/rental market in the area we want to buy, which every single person I've talked to has volunteered as the best neighborhood ever, and which trulia.com has taught me only ever has 2-3 homes for sale at a time and the ones I like sell within 48 hours), which means moving twice and I don't know what we'll do with the dogs. But given our tax bill and other things, I don't think we could buy right away even if we wanted to, and other than the issue of the two giant dogs, renting for a while does make an annoying amount of sense.

So that's today's news. I'll process it tonight and come back tomorrow and research the hell out of the rental market and find the Best Rental Ever and everything will fall into place on a path that will end up giving us the Best House Ever, etc. a few extra months down the road. Until then, look at my baby boy:

How and when did he become so very big kiddish? He's supposed to start Kindergarten in the Fall. (Maybe. Yet another decision tree to research and decide upon.)

And then there's the Bear, who is on the cusp of big girldom herself. She eats everything with utensils, puts on her own shoes, offers strong opinions on her clothes (and everything else), and apparently used the potty successfully today at daycare. Not that I wouldn't love to get rid of diapers, but what on earth? She's 19 months old, this is supposed to be my baby. My last baby.

We haven't told Landon about the move yet. Now that our vacation is over and we're about to get a sign in our front yard, we'll tell him soon. He's going to be sad to leave his friends- most of them have been in the same class together for 3 years, but he's a nice mix of mellow and outgoing, so I think he'll adjust pretty easily. Claire won't care as long as her books and her family come with her. And as always, as long as we're together and we can snuggle in bed on the weekends, everything else is secondary. No matter how much I cringe at thinking of moving twice in the next year. And oh, I cringe.

Calm abiding. It'll come back. Perhaps tomorrow.