Thursday, July 29, 2010

Thoughts on My Return

I have 5.5 weeks left of my 13 week maternity leave (12 weeks paid leave + 1 week vacation). I've been asked how I feel about this, so I want to address it, but it's probably not going to be very interesting because the full and complete answer is that I feel fine. For one, not feeling fine isn't an option because my working isn't an option, so there's not much point in finding reasons to be unhappy with the reality of returning. But for the sake of discussion, I'll pretend like I didn't just write that previous sentence and delve a little deeper into my emotions regarding my return to full-time working attorney.

And, well, I feel fine. I'm looking forward to it in a certain sense. I like working and I miss the intellectual outlet that being a lawyer provides me. Not that I haven't used my brain at home, or that stay-at-home parents don't have intellectual outlets, I just really enjoy the unique analytical processes that come with being an attorney. I like reading cases and I like finding ways to coax their holdings into working for the argument I'm making. I miss the professional environment- talking about current cases or news stories (or the latest episode of Glee) with my colleagues, and I miss my office with its order and separateness from my home life. Basically, I just like my job. Whether it's because it really is the perfect career for me or because it's the career I have and the salary is necessary for my family so I've decided it's the perfect one for me (or more likely, a combination of the two), I'm happy with my life as a lawyer mom, and I'm happier in that role than I am as a stay-at-home mom.

Which is not to say that I am counting down the days to my return (I'm not) or that I haven't deeply enjoyed my time at home (I have). These weeks have been more enjoyable, more relaxing, and more maternally satisfying than I ever expected. I'm very grateful for them- there's no mandatory paid maternity leave in the US and many companies don't provide for it. I have loved every one of the hours I've logged on the couch, holding a snuggly, sleeping Claire- or, more recently, a wide-eyed awake Claire who can't seem to figure out where she is but is pretty sure everything looks familiar. I've enjoyed grocery shopping in the middle of the day and starting big dinners (and new recipes!) at 5:00. I've enjoyed being able to plan vacations and lunches and know that no case or sudden partner request will get in the way of them. And I've really enjoyed my daytime uniform of casual clothes and flip flops.

The things I worry about when I decide to worry (usually when I can't sleep) are as follows: One, being a working mom with one kid worked out great- I felt like our days were pretty easy and we spent a lot of happy time together, but I haven't done this with two. What if I can't give both of them enough of myself? What if JP and I don't have enough time together? With Landon we're off duty at 8 pm and that's when we can spend our quality couple time and when I can do the work I didn't finish because I darted out of the office at 5:30. But I'm optimistic. Claire is a great sleeper (11pm to 5:30am the past 5 nights!) and one benefit of JP's unpaid independent contractor status is that his work is extremely flexible and he can drop off and pick up the kids as needed. Claire and Landon will be at the same daycare, which we love and is a mile from the house, and I think our routine will be much the same as it was before. Before I started working I thought mornings and evenings would be so stressful as a working parent, but so far, ours just aren't. They're relaxed and organized and fun and I'm hopeful that will continue.

My second worry involves my job, its recent low work flow, and my lack of options and a network in Austin. I've vowed to work on this. I need to get involved with more (and by more, I mean at least one) associations or bar events in my city. I need that both for potential lateral moves (whether necessary or desired) as well as to have any chance of making partner where I am. I'll be starting my 3rd year when I return and it just isn't that long before you need to have developed an area of specialty or expertise, as well as worked out whether or not you want to aggressively pursue the path to partnership in a few short years. I don't know my answer to that, but I am keenly away of how much my family needs my salary. I need to make sure I'm in as strong a position in my career as I possibly can be and that is going to involve some out-of-work commitments. I don't like it, I love coming home at the end of the day and soaking up my family time- my ability to do that every day is what makes my life work for me- but I need to start looking at it as another way I'm serving my family and missing a dinner or two a month isn't going to hurt any of us.

My third concern is that I've forgotten everything I used to know about law and that my fellow 2nd years have moved past me in knowledge and experience while I've been out. There's not much I can do about this except work hard when I get back and remind all the partners who loved me before I left that they still do. I'm less worried about this than the other two things, but it's there.

So that's that. September 7th is the big day back. Claire starts daycare on August 23rd- or at least we start having to pay for daycare on August 23rd, so we'll probably use those two weeks for some short transition days. Landon, who continues to just thrive over at the neighborhood center, is so excited that his babyclaire is going to be at daycay too. I think it's all going to be good.

12 comments:

  1. I too have started thinking more and more about networking, professional associations, etc., and KNOW that its that time in my career where I must make that a priority, and adding that onto an already busy schedule, with a family at home and the billable hours, is a tad bit overwhelming. But, I'm committing to it in the coming year!

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  2. I am so glad you have the options you DO have, as well as good day care and a flexible schedule! The only kink I can see is what do you do when the kids are sick (they will be sick in succession and No. 2 catches more stuff, it seems.) If JP can manage it, GREAT! If not, it is helpful to scout a solution in advance. We found a local hospital which offered "sick kid day care" initially for their nurses, but we found there was always space. Of course, you want to be there when they're really sick, but on one of those "second day of a cold, but the snot is still green so daycare won't let them back" days, when they need to lay on the beanbag chairs, drink 7up and watch cartoons, you have a choice. (I don't know what the infant equivalent of this is; we did it starting with toddlers, but you get the idea!) Sick kid day care is a wonderful invention!

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  3. Yes, there's nothing like a sick kid to completely throw a wrench in your usual routine. We've been lucky in that Landon is extraordinarily healthy- he's missed about 3 days of daycare in 2 years for illness. I desperately hope that Claire has his immune system!

    Luckily for me, if Landon or Claire is sick, JP should be able to be home (and he's a great nurse), but if he can't be there, it's almost certain that I can. I love that "sick kid day care" program that you found. For us on those "the kid is all better but s/he can't go back to daycare for another 24 hours" days, my firm has back-up nanny care. You call the service anytime 24/7 and they find a fully vetted nanny to come to your house to hang out with your little one. We get 5 free days a year and 5 days with a $30 co-pay. We've used the service several times (more on days that daycare is closed for teacher training than because Landon is sick) and had a fantastic experience each time. I think it is by far the best benefit my firm provides and so far it's been safe from the budget cuts!

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  4. LL - I love how positive you are about your life. Your happiness as a mom and attorney have kept me from hyperventilating with fear about what life will be like when I get out of law school and am actually working. You make work life balance with a firm sound do-able, instead of The Impossible Dream. And that nanny care sounds amazing. I wish more places did that!

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  5. Will Landon be able to see Claire at all at day care? He seems so good with her now, that I can imagine he will want to show her off to all his daycare friends and will want to constantly check up on her. He sounds like such a good brother.

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  6. Thanks, LL! I asked about this not only because I'm interested in hearing what you have to say but also because you mentioned in a previous post that this is something you wanted to write about or have thoughts on.

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  7. I feel you! I'm trying to start a few additional extra-curriculars, myself, that give me the same worry as your networking/time away plans do. But it's one of those things that I think is important -- to have something you love, that shows the kids about pursuing passions and being an involved community member. (For me it's church choir. A minor deal, but a pretty significant time commitment.) I'm struggling with it to a certain extent, but eager to get back into it, for my own enrichment.

    You'll work all this out and it'll feel normal very soon. :) happy weekend, LL!

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  8. LL, I really admire your logic. I am a few years ahead of you and like you, my salary is 100% necessary. I still can't manage to "step it up" like I should, though. I sit here with 10 weeks of leave left and wishing that there was some way that the numbers could magically let me stay home forever. I do need to think more long term because reality is, like it or not, I need to bring home the bacon. I have to say though, maternity leave is SO relaxing. Taking care of my house and three kids is a lot easier than working!

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  9. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and anxieties about returning! I'm a 1st-year attorney in California and always enjoy your posts re work-life balance and firm life. I've also been thinking more about the importance of networking outside of my workplace, even though it's definitely hard to make it a priority after working all day and just wanting to get home and relax.

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  10. "For us on those "the kid is all better but s/he can't go back to daycare for another 24 hours" days, my firm has back-up nanny care. You call the service anytime 24/7 and they find a fully vetted nanny to come to your house to hang out with your little one."

    You are SO incredibly lucky, lady!
    And yeah, your positive can-do attitude doesn't hurt any either. But still ... veddy, veddy lucky.

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  11. Knowing you, I'm sure you're keeping up with legal news while you're out, and that will likely help you when you're trying to get back in the swing of things at work. But if you want to join associations, this might be a good time to do so, no? When you're not trying to mix that with work and life?
    Glad you're enjoying your leave time. :)

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  12. You summed up my sentiments exactly, except I am on my first child so instead of the two-child concern I am wondering how it is all going to work. I am incredibly lucky in that I am able to take 7 months leave (5.5 full-pay throguh leave a 4 weeks vacation and much of the rest partially paid through state benefits). I oftern worry I will have forgotten the basics of civil procedure by the time I get back. But like you, I miss it. Best of luck and I look forward to reading about your return when it is time.

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