Saturday, February 20, 2010

Gone

I'm nearly 27 years old and have been blessed to be virtually untouched by death. All four of my grandparents and the rest of my immediate family members are alive and well. My parents are young and healthy. Two people from my high school class have passed away, both from cancer, and both tragic, but it was a class of 1,000 people and I didn't know either very well.

I just found out that a friend and fellow law school classmate died today in a snowmobiling accident. UChicago is a small school and I knew everyone in my class, most of them well. Grant was someone I knew well. He had the locker below me and for three years I saw him every day.

He was 29. He was brilliant, witty, kind, and possessed a biting sense of humor. He had the best gchat away messages. He'd share links to obscure and funny blog posts, relay conversations with partners, make fun of something he'd recently said or did at work, or just write a sound-bite so funny and smart that I'd marvel at how he came up with his material. I haven't seen him since graduation, but those messages frequently prompted me to write back and we'd chat for a few minutes every couple of days. It sounds superficial, but the idea that I won't see any more of those messages keeps making me cry. Maybe it's just because that's all I can process. My classmate can't possibly be gone, but I can grasp that his away messages are.

Grant is someone my mind went to often. About 18 months ago we were chatting about politics when he mentioned that he'd seen my recently posted pictures of Landon from Halloween. Grant was gay, single, and as far as I could tell not particularly interested in children, but he complimented my adorable little dragon and said that even though most of his friends' kid-centric facebook pages annoyed him, mine didn't. When I thanked him, rather surprised by his remark, he said,

"You wear motherhood very well
you make it look attractive"

And I think that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Maybe because it came right at that turning point in my relationship with motherhood when I found that I enjoyed it for itself and not just for Landon, or maybe it just meant more coming from Grant- someone who wasn't a close friend and whose life seemed so very different from my own, but it's stuck in my head and I suddenly felt a need to write it down.



I don't know what to say. I thought writing would help. It hasn't. I just can't believe someone my age, one of my favorite people and personalities- someone with such a bright future is gone just like that. I don't know what to do with that knowledge except sit here feel the weight of its truth.

(2/22: Thank you for all your comments; they've meant a lot to me.)

20 comments:

  1. It's hard to understand that someone is gone. When you move away you don't get to see them and that makes it harder to understand the fact that they have passed fromt his life completely. I lost a roomate two years after college to cancer and I never really kept in touch after college but it still hit hard knowing she had passed. We are still facebook friends and it's just so weird. My heart goes out to you- it's hard to say goodbye even to people who are on the periphery of your everyday life. At least he lives on in the fond memories you have of him. I hope we all can leave good impressions like that on others when we go- isn't that the way to live forever?

    And that's so sweet what he said to you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. He sounds like a wonderful man. I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry. It doesn't sound superficial; grief hits at strange moments.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so sorry. It sounds like he will be remembered as a great person by many people.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so sorry LL. Best wishes.

    ReplyDelete
  6. He sounds like a good person. I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi Lagliv,
    I'm a random stalker who checks your blog everyday for a daily does of lagliv positivity and upliftment...lol..your positive attitude towards life and your family is truly inspirational...and helps me get through the work day put

    I just wanted to express my condolences on the passing of your friend, I'm so sorry....hang in there.

    All the best

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  9. i'm sorry LL. one of my good childhood friends died last summer...brain cancer. she fought it for five years, and actually first found out she had it when she was pregnant with her son. she delayed treatment because she refused to abort the baby. losing her was awful, but i realized at her funeral that she will live on, not only through her son, but through those she left behind, and that cancer couldn't diminish that. grant will live on too.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Citations has a beautiful tribute on her blog as well.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I know what you're saying-I found out 1 year out of law school that one of my classmates had passed away (from cancer) and I was...really shocked would be an understatement. He was a really bright man with a promising future and so young (26).

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm so sorry.
    I lost a classmate a few years after law school too. Although we hadn't stayed in touch after graduating we had been somewhere between close friends and acquaintances while in law school.

    It seemed (and still does, even so many years later), so impossible. She was so young, so vibrant, so alive. Our class started a memorial fund in her honour. Perhaps something similar can be done for Grant.

    Give yourself a hug, okay?

    ReplyDelete
  14. I read this occasionally, and always love the way you write and describe your life.

    When I heard the news, I found myself eager to see your take on it. Even if writing this didn't help you, reading it helped me. So thank you for that.

    ReplyDelete
  15. There's something just fundamentally unfair about someone in the prime of his life losing his life. You treasured those little moments you had with your friend, and that says a lot about him, and about you. I'm sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am so sorry. I read about Grant's death this morning and was thinking about what it would feel like to lose a colleague or classmate. I am sorry that you know the reality.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I still read your blog from time to time too and am glad i read it today. i found myself missing his gchat updates all day long too. and the last time we talked, he was being encouraging about my less than ideal job and it makes my stomach hurt just to think about him being gone now and how sweet it was of him to randomly drop me an encouraging message then. it was really nice to read the sweet things he said to you. he could always be counted on to come up with the most irreverant sarcastic witty comment and at the same time, always be kind too. like you, this is really my first experience dealing with the death of someone i knew and whose company i always enjoyed, and it's very hard.

    ReplyDelete
  18. LL, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

    And I'd really like to second Grant's comment about how attractive you make motherhood look. I've wanted kids, and hopefully someday I will have them, but lately all the facebook posts from high school friends have consisted of their children's potty training progress (or worse, lack thereof) and how many loads of laundry they've done. It makes me want to NEVER EVER have children. So THANK YOU for providing a contrasting example that makes motherhood look wonderful! :)

    ReplyDelete