Landon ran into a corner and dissolved into tears when I dropped him off at daycare this morning. I left the building with tiny pins of tears pricking my eyes and a stern, steady inner monologue reminding me that I Cannot quit my job, I do not Want to quit my job, my family Lives off the money I make, I have worked Very hard to do what I do, I am Very Lucky to have such a wonderful job when thousands of lawyers are being fired, I Like what I do, Landon Likes daycare, we would have No money if I did not work, providing things like Shelter and Food makes me a good mom, even if I have to do things that make him cry, quitting work and living off credit cards would Not make me a better parent, etc.
I was able to keep the lecture up for my entire eight minute commute to work, where I immediately logged onto the daycare camera website to find him dancing on the wooden loft with two of his classmates. He's fine. I'm fine. But my God was that hard.
It's difficult for me to write about this kind of day. I feel such a need to prove to everyone that this can be done, that you can be a happy working mom, that having Landon this early when I don't have the choice to quit work even if I wanted to wasn't a mistake. But I think it's important because everyone has hard days and I don't want to pretend that I don't. I also think it makes it more believable when I write about how well everything works 95% of the time. Because it does.
But right now, even though I can see him sitting in a circle around his teacher, listening to a story with rapt attention, I'm dangerously close to tears remembering him sobbing on the floor when I walked out of the room.
Fugs & Pieces, November 22, 2024
1 hour ago
As a part time attorney and mother to three little boys, I have had many mornings of crying after daycare drop off from both me and my son(s). There are good days and bad days, but in the end as long as on *most* days my family is happy and functioning than we are all doing okay.
ReplyDeleteThere is too much pressure on all of us working moms to pretend we can keep all those balls up in the air while we remain calm, happy and composed. The truth is - everyone has bad days be it working moms or stay at home moms.
You're a great mom and from the sounds of it, a terrific lawyer too. Hang in there - it gets easier.
You can do this.
ReplyDeleteThere will be many more days like this. It gets a lot harder when they can actually express in words to you their sadness. Especially when that sadness has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do about it (i.e. third graders telling your child she can no longer be their friend).
But, you know what, as you have pointed out many, many times, the good outweighs the bad. And I think your perspective is the right one. A lot of times, people forget that being a good mother doesn't necessarily mean spending 100% of your time with your child. Think of what Landon is learning by having to buck up and get over himself. It's a good thing.
Hang in there. You are not alone.
This is your blog. You shouldn't have to hide how you feel on it. It is hard, and I only work PT.
ReplyDeleteOn Tuesday I chaperoned a field trip at my sons preschool. when I dropped him off he said, Mommy I want you stay. I said, Michael, I took off work to go with you and your class to the dentist (I know, dumb field trip) but now mommy has to go to work. He looked sad, but off he went.
It gets a little easier when you can talk to them and they understand, but it is hard, and it is ok to admit that.
Awww... I'm sorry you're hurting.
ReplyDeleteYou're an amazing mom. You're taking care of your family. And it's never a bad thing to write about the bad days, it's cathartic. Plus, I've always loved people that can are open about the good and the bad, as you always have been.
Hoping tomorrow is a better day=)
That's like my mantra. Sometime when I'm feeling more brave, I will post the post I wrote last week when I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Hang in there, you're not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteYesterday, my MIL told me that after I left for the office Ethan said "It was nice to have Mommy visit"...yep, feelin' like crap.
Oh, hon, that's hard. I totally concur with anon at 9:52 - everybody, WOHM, SAHM, WAHM, SAHD, etc, has rough days. It's ok.
ReplyDeletei know it's a lot easier said than done, but try not to put so much pressure on yourself. you dont have to be perfect. you just have to "be."
You just made a light bulb go off in my head... it's not having a baby so young or having a baby when you plan on working that is difficult necessarily, the hard part is not having the option to have the baby and then decide to stay home. Like you, I'm almost positive that I always will want to work (at least in some capacity), but knowing that even if I wanted to stay home, it's not really an option for a long time is harder than I thought it would be. Then I mentally go through a speech like yours, trying to remind myself why I chose the paths I did...because it seems like everyone else being right is even worse than me being wrong.
ReplyDeleteBut chin up, you're doing a lot of great things. You don't owe anyone else anything and you can't take a task like settling the mom wars on your shoulders alone.
You may not have the freedom to stay home, but you do have the freedom to find a new job if this one becomes too hard to balance. Since it's mostly good, you'll still look back on this time and think about how good it was.
Oh, we just switched daycares, and had several weeks of this. Normally, hubby does the drop-off, and I do pick-up, so I am immune from it. However, the one morning when I did drop her off, and had to witness the tears.... oh. my. My inner monologue was simply, "make it to the car. tears stay in. make it to the car. tears stay in." And I barely made it before they just overflowed. It can be SO hard sometimes. Of course, she's always having a blast when we pick her up, and the tears have gone away at drop-off now that she's adjusted. But, Lord. The guilt.
ReplyDeleteYuck, I hate days like that. Feel better... it's almost the weekend.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie. There will be hard days. But you definitely make the most of the quality time and that is what counts!
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, I have three kids ages 19 to 12, and I still question whether I'm doing a good enough job as a mom. On practically a daily basis. I don't think we ever stop doing that.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I was a SAHM for ten years, and I sometimes think I'd be a happier person if I'd just gone back to work. You just never know. But you always feel guilty.
You don't have anything to prove, LL. Anyone that you feel like you have to prove yourself to is a person who won't be able to fairly consider the evidence you present - does that make sense? If there's a person who looks down on you for being a working mom (or whatever), they're going to look down on you for being a working mom no matter what. And if you were to decide to quit your job and stay home and please those people, there'd be another people waiting to look down on you for that. Did that actually have anything to do with what you said? I thought it did when I started, but... wow, I'm tired.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad you write about this stuff. It keeps things real. Your blog is the only place I've found where I can get a good picture of what it's like to be a working mom with a little kid, good and bad. As I constantly think of going back to work, you help me imagine what it might be like and what the issues might be. I can't tell you how invaluable that's been.
Oh. And I'd like to tell you how many times I made my two-year-old cry today, but I can't because there were just. too. many. So there's the silver lining. You make him cry once in the morning; I make my kid cry every five minutes all day long, at least today. :)
Just so you know, you have those days as a stay at home mom as well. They are just different. I still feel inadequate, like I could do better. He occasionally says he doesn't want to go to preschool but I make him go, knowing he loves every second he is there, but wondering if i'm a bad mom because I NEED those 6 hrs alone a week. With #2 due next week its going to get harder and I know it. You are doing it. The best thing is that you recognize what works and what doesn't in your life.
ReplyDeleteI think watching Jacob cry when I leave or when he needs something only I can give him is the HARDEST thing ever! Like moms need more mom guilt! but it is really harder on us than it is on them, thankgoodness!
ReplyDeleteI think that in order to get where we want to be in the long run, we have to suffer through these awful days. You're a runner, right? (Or are you a swimmer? I forget.) I hate to make hokey analogies, but I'm going to do it anyway and hope nobody reads this comment too closely. When you're training for a race, much of your training is a joy, but much of it isn't. But the part that isn't a joy also isn't a waste - it's just getting you to the next level where you need to be. When I have awful moments like this, I try to remember that I'm banking my experiences and making a better life and a better future for my baby and I. Now promptly delete this comment cause I'm embarrassed by it, thank you very much.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you LL. I have a hard time leaving my JP at daycare and feel like I spend a lot of time explaining why I work to people (for example: my mother). I don't think I could stay at home, I am envious of those who can, but I couldn't imagine doing it myself. It's a hard road to walk- that of a working mother, but it's easier knowing that there are others out there who do it as well!!
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