Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Today was a little tougher than yesterday. The separation and the driving home from the NICU without Landon are starting to wear on me. He's still doing great- he was taken down to Level 1 of breathing assistance, the bilirubin lights are gone because his jaundice is under control, his IV was turned off, and he's drinking quite a lot of formula. On the downside, the bradycardia episodes he had the other night, the ones we were hoping to blame on the CPAP machine, happened again- this time without a CPAP machine as a scapegoat. He also had two "de-sats" where his oxygen saturation levels plummeted and he started to turn blue- the nurse put an oxygen mask near his face and the levels quickly returned to normal, but it was still a little scary (it happened once while I was holding him). He has to go five full days without any episodes of bradycardia or de-saturation before he'll be discharged, so it was sad to have another day tacked on to his stay. However, if he's randomly turning blue, we definitely want him in the NICU and not in our apartment. I can picture us hovering over him with a flashlight at night to check his coloring- hell, we may be doing that anyway.

Alright, on to me... My milk came in Tuesday night. Very Bizarre- instantly rock hard, Pamela Anderson sized, supremely sensitive boobs. I've been living in a sports bra with breast pads and holding bags of frozen food to my chest while I sleep. There have been several varieties of frozen foods: I had purchased frozen peas for this event, but JP was so tired that first night when I asked him to grab them for me that I ended up sleeping with one bag of frozen peas and one bag of frozen chopped onions. I woke up smelling quite flavorful. Last night I somehow ended up with a bag of frozen peas and a bag of Trader Joe's vegetable fried rice. Who knows what frozen delicacies I'll clutch to my chest tonight.

The recovery hasn't been too bad. I was very sore and swollen for the first 2-3 days, but I was obsessed with those pad-like ice packs that the hospital had and they helped so much. Now I feel fine when I'm up and walking around- the only thing that is still uncomfortable is when I transition from sitting to standing and vice versa. My stomach is quite jiggly, but it's so much smaller than it was at 8 months pregnant that I feel almost skinny (despite not being anywhere close to fitting into my old jeans).

I got an exciting e-mail today- Chicago Firm has decided to pay me my summer associate salary through August 3rd (my anticipated last day)! I only worked there for 2 weeks, but I'm getting paid for 5! I was stunned- I never expected that. We were kind of counting on having that money available over the next year, so there was a lot of relief mixed in with the shock and happiness.

It's so strange to not be pregnant anymore, but not have a baby at home. I feel like a half-parent. JP and I are by his isolette all day in NICU, but we have nice lunches together and get lots of sleep at night. I came to terms with the fact that he wasn't coming home with us, but the days don't go by near quick enough. Every little set back is so hard to take- the nursery is all ready now and we just can't wait until he's here with us. Overall he's progressing so well- we're just trying to stay positive and hold on to that. We're really very lucky- we know he's going to be fine- there's no if, only when.