Couldn't figure out how to begin or end this post, but here we go

I've been meaning to write. I wanted to. October was fun and full and busy. Claire had Homecoming, Cora scored a goal in soccer, Landon said funny things, James had a birthday, I traveled a lot and exercised every single day. But because of all those things, I never quite had time to sit down and write. Or rather, when I did have the rare hour on the couch, I read or photobooked and watched something with James or just went to bed early.

We took our family pictures on a Sunday afternoon, which involved a frenetic dash to get everyone clothes that fit and coordinated when I realized suddenly that my children had all outgrown everything they'd ever worn before. I bought Landon a Mens Small sweater, thinking that would help, but you guys, he's a Mens Large and at 6'1", I should have seen that coming. It worked out and I love the pictures.

Then it was Halloween and then the election and then I was just so sad.

I flew to Chicago at 6 a.m. last Wednesday morning after a short few hours of fitful sleep for a string of University of Chicago Law School recruiting events. It was helpful to be completely out of my routine I think. I was busy, on campus, not really even sure what year or day it was as I sat in the Green Lounge and stared out at the empty law school fountain they built while I was a student there. I left so early that James had to tell the girls. It was hard. Instead of telling our girls that a highly qualified woman who worked really hard and cares about people CAN be president, we got to inform them that a racist, morally bankrupt (and despite inheriting a fortune, frequently financially bankrupt) man who lies, cheats, rapes, mocks, and incited an actual violent insurrection of the US Capitol Building that killed police officers less than 4 years ago got voted in instead. I don't really know what to do with that.

In Texas, women are dying because our anti-life politicians passed laws that forced a mother to go to three different emergency rooms with her pregnant daughter, bleeding out and diagnosed with sepsis from a miscarriage, sobbing for help, only to have that daughter die a few hours later because the doctors sent her home and delayed care for fear of going to jail for treating her. I picture myself in that position, with Claire or Cora, and I want to scream. I'm so glad my uterus is already gone and I am determined that my girls will not live in this state, or any with laws like it, after they graduate high school.

Candace Fails screamed for someone in the Texas hospital to help her pregnant daughter. “Do something,” she pleaded, on the morning of Oct. 29, 2023.

Nevaeh Crain was crying in pain, too weak to walk, blood staining her thighs. Feverish and vomiting the day of her baby shower, the 18-year-old had gone to two different emergency rooms within 12 hours, returning home each time worse than before.

By then, more than two hours after her arrival, Crain’s blood pressure had plummeted and a nurse had noted that her lips were “blue and dusky.” Her organs began failing.

Hours later, she was dead.

Fails, who would have seen her daughter turn 20 this Friday, still cannot understand why Crain’s emergency was not treated like an emergency.

But that is what many pregnant women are now facing in states with strict abortion bans, doctors and lawyers have told ProPublica.

Patients are sometimes bounced between hospitals like “hot potatoes,” with health care providers reluctant to participate in treatment that could attract a prosecutor, doctors told ProPublica. In some cases, medical teams are wasting precious time debating legalities and creating documentation, preparing for the possibility that they’ll need to explain their actions to a jury and judge.

This isn't a post-apocalyptic TV show. This is happening right now where I live. I don't know what to do with a reality like this.

I wish I had something uplifting to say. Our life is good. When my head is down and I focus small, there is such joy and happiness. And I guess for right now microdosing joy is the answer. So I'm going to do that here, but know that underneath it I am just sad. I'm waiting for the anger and inspiration and fire I felt in 2016, but I think the shock spurred me there. This time, the absolute lack of shock that of course the country elected this absolutely vile person to be in charge, even knowing- maybe especially knowing his thin-skinned and petty brand of chaos and cruelty, is maybe even more sad than before.

But today, 11 years ago, Cora Linnae was born. So that is very happy.

We are celebrating tonight with tacos, chocolate cake, and opening presents. She is such a radiant source of joy, we love her so much.

James turned 43 in October and we ate 100 rolls of sushi (almost) to celebrate him.

Claire went to Homecoming and we got her dress at Dirty Dillards for $27 and she wore my shoes, jewelry, and purse and I did her hair and she looked so beautiful and grown up I got teary.

She had so much fun with friends and it made my heart so happy.

Landon went all best times at a mid-season meet in November that was SO exciting and hard-earned. He continues to crack us up on a daily basis and I'm in pre-mourning that he is halfway through his junior year of high school already.

I am good. Wearing my outfits and exercising every day even when I have to cram in a 20 minute stretch-band HIIT workout in a hotel room in Bentonville, AR. I particularly liked this one, especially since our "fall" continues to be 80 degrees.

When James and Landon were out of town for their swim meet we girls each had a friend over (including me!) and made a fancy charcuterie night and it was so fun.

I enjoyed a pre-Halloween witches brew with some badass professional women.

On Halloween night, Cora dressed up like a devil and ran around with friends and got lots of candy.

Claire joined us midway through and got some of her own. Maggie was a rainbow, and Milo enjoyed the empty treat bags. Landon went to swimming and did homework dressed like a 17-year-old kid and James scared children in our front yard dressed as the grim reaper while he handed out candy.

I took Maggie to the vet yesterday and she was so excited she could barely smile in frame for the picture.

She has a mass in her mammary tissue so she was supposed to have surgery today to get it out. Except our sweet third baby was so excited about her birthday that she woke up extra early and did all her chores before we woke up, which included feeding Maggie who was supposed to be fasting, so she's now going to have her mastectomy on Friday. The doctors think the mass is likely benign, but we'll know more once it's out. In the meantime, it's not bothering Maggie in the slightest.

And that's where we are. Excited to celebrate our sweet Cora's birthday tonight. Busy with school and work and activities. Excited about driving to Colorado to spend Thanksgiving with my sister and parents. Loving our pets and each other. Savoring my morning lake walks to clear my head and move my body. Resting up and moving forward. By the next Presidential election I will have TWO kids in college who will both be able to vote. So that's hopeful indeed.

A virtual hug to all of you, I miss writing and will try to be come back more.