Currently

My offensive spam comments remain out of control and it's led me to contemplate closing comments off completely. Which then led me to wonder if I'd blog at all without the feedback? I'm not a particularly active blogger these days, but I know some of you have been reading since my large teenage child was a tiny law school baby and I enjoy knowing you're out there and seeing your names popup in the comments always makes me smile. And the outlet remains important, though somewhat less so as I have more peers and local friends. This blog was one of my only connections to others for a long while and I will forever be thankful for the connection, support, and extrovert battery charge you provided me. I still love to write, but I write considerably less about the kids as they get older and will continue to funnel them down with age.

But more than the spam, which are gross but ignore-able, what has led me to thinking about just taking a break from blogging is that I just feel fragile right now. On my best day, I am treading water and that water is at my chin. The merging of all my roles into one house 24/7 has taken me from feeling pretty good about the wearing of my many hats to feeling barely adequate at any of them. And I think it's from that place, and that current lack of confidence, that I've found this push of fear every time a comment pops up in my email inbox. I find that rather than smile, I brace myself. It's like I know I literally cannot handle hearing that I am failing at anything else when I already feel like I'm failing at so much. And it has no basis in fact- y'all are great, and critiques and criticisms are voiced completely appropriately, but the feelings are there. Maybe it's all the spam putting comments in my mind but I have literally spent nights dreaming about people yelling at me in comments and been devastated until I woke up and realized they aren't even there. The irrationality of it all is what makes me realize that these feelings are coming from somewhere else, and maybe that somewhere else needs to be protected right now.

Signs that appeared on my door one day

On a practical note, now that I wake up and rollover to stare at my dual work computer screens and am never more than a couple hundred feet from them, I find I need the break at night all the more. As I read somewhere, we're not working from home, we're living at work, and even though work has been very accommodating, and I'm so lucky to have been able to just stay home during this time when so many of my local friends have been forced back to their offices, it's still always THERE. The unwinding at night, my hour or two away from devices to just be with James and protect that time that is ours, has grown more important now that we're always here rather than less.

How the kids have taken to communicating with me

But I don't know. My archives are precious to me. I use them all the time to find pictures or stories or recipes- like my own personal google. Maybe I will go to a password-protected version? I know readership would be much smaller, but maybe it will feel less vulnerable? Or will that lack of engagement, knowing few are reading, make opening my laptop to draft something even less likely than it is now? I've seen almost every blogger I started reading "retire" and have often wondered how long I'd keep going. After 13.5 years, more than 2,000 posts, and millions of words, it's hard to imagine being done. So I'm not, but maybe I'm pausing? I'm certainly thinking about it, and there's an element of relief to those feelings that feels telling.

Also telling, this is not at ALL what I intended to write about (thus, the title). Rather, I was planning to muse and update on some random things going on around here (to the extent anything is going on around here).

Like we sold the big heavy country style chairs that came with our table (generously donated to us from my parents' second lake house 8 years ago) and replaced them with these more mid-century modern-inspired teal chairs and I LOVE THEM. They completely change the look of the eating area and let the beautiful solid wood table really shine. This is also where my pets stare at me in the morning when I go to make my tea without feeding them first.

Speaking of pets, we took Maggie to the lake house last weekend and left Moose under the care of one of Landon's friends who adores our baby cat. His mom texted me that within an hour of leaving, A had taken off on his scooter to come check on Moose. "He needs me Mom."

Moose is very intrigued by my nightly bathing

Anyway, since we've been back, these two little fur siblings have been closer than ever before. Moose snuggles with Maggie wherever she may be and Maggie remains happily bemused by Moose's attempts to play with her. The other day I was standing in the kitchen and out of nowhere Moose shot across the living room, jumped upon Maggie's sleeping head like a springboard, and launched himself up on the couch. Maggie's head popped up mid-snore, looked all around, and then went right back to sleep. They crack me up.

In other updates, I assembled my new desk while on a conference call last week and I love it. As much as I can love having a desk in my bedroom anyway. It fits neatly in the corner, so our french doors are no longer blocked by my folding table, and my new chair is a huge step up from the dining chair I was using.

The accent wall continues to make my heart flutter. We have a new navy quilt and it's really made the old rug and bench shine. The art print I ordered on Etsy arrived from Spain yesterday and the frame I ordered should be here Monday. Someday James will paint the walls and ceiling and in the meantime I will continue to appreciate my new work/sleep space.

In another decorating nod, I finally gave in to the Facebook ads and ordered Mixtiles. We painted the tiny hallway that connects the kids' rooms to the TV room and replaced the light fixture back in April and now it feels like a real part of the house. And that part was barren and sad. Since it's a space no one but us ever uses, I decided to go with family pictures and the Mixtiles were a cheap and easy addition.

I picked out and cropped up some favorite portraits over the years and really love the results, particularly for a total of just over $100. They aren't the highest quality prints- definitely look elsewhere for that, but they have a sticky strip on the back that is easy to "hang," fully repositionable, and they really light up the hallway. The kids LOVE THEM.

Finally, I went to the dermatologist on Thursday and for the first time in five years, I didn't have a single thing to biopsy and don't have to go back for a FULL YEAR! As I've detailed here many times, I've put a lot of time, money, and effort into taking care of my skin since my first skin cancer at age 32. High-quality skin care I now use religiously, daily vitamins (Heliocare!), an obsession with shade and umbrellas, UPF protective clothing when shade can't be found (rash guards, tops, swim leggings, and even hats, though I still hate how they look on me; favorite brands are Free Fly, Cabana Life, and Coolibar; looking at a top at BloqUV- has anyone ordered from there?), IPL/BBL photofacials (that's mostly vanity, but it has mattered to me to pull out some of the damage to my skin and "restart" and feel proud of it again), and sunscreen EVERY DAY (Elta MD UV Clear is my favorite by far; my makeup also has SPF, but I so rarely wear makeup these days, I'm back to just putting on sunscreen each morning).

My two biggest PSAs are to get yearly checks at your dermatologist and put sunscreen on your chest and neck each time you apply it to your face. Growing up, I was actually pretty good about sunscreening my face, but my skin cancers have been on my chest and the side of my neck, which are just as vulnerable to regular sun exposure.

And finally, finally, food:

Sat: BBQ Salmon Bowls with Mango Salsa, with black beans and brown rice.
Sun: Aunty Lee's Lasagna, salad, garlic bread.
Mon: Summer Chipotle Chicken Cobb Salad with Cilantro Vinaigrette.
Tues: Roasted Cauliflower Taco Bowls, with taco beef and flour tortillas on the side for those who need more meat and carbs on their plate.
Wed: Pasta with leftover lasagna sauce.
Thurs: Southwest Black Bean Casserole
Fri: OUT.