Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Highs and Lows and a Cessation of Sorts

So, it's been a while. I got back from Colorado to a life of near-chaos and absolutely no tiny babies to snuggle. At least I had Maggie. Always willing to lend a cheerful wrinkly face to my personal world view.


On Wednesday, the day after my return, my nanny called in sick, James was coaching until 7, I had a ton of work, and all three of my kids needed to be somewhere different at precisely 5:30 p.m. So that was something.


Even better- that night, after relying on friends and my middle child's willingness to bring a book to gymnastics 30 minutes early and get in some "quality reading time" so we could all get everywhere we needed to be- James came home from coaching looking pale and terrible. And so began possibly the longest 36 hours of our marriage.


James was terribly horribly sick. After going through all the sheets, towels, laundry soap, and bleach we owned, I got maybe 90 minutes of cobbled together sleep and of course Landon had to be at school by 7:30 a.m. for Math Bee practice. I stumbled out to make lunches and somehow got everyone off on time. I then attempted to get dressed for work, laid down in our bed, currently stripped to the mattress while James slept on the couch on our last clean towel, and, still wearing the very-much-indoor slippers I'd worn to drop-off, I slept/fell unconscious for 3 hours.

I woke up, hoping James was still among the living, and upon discovering he was, barely, wondered at what point you go to the emergency room for a stomach virus. He'd lost nearly 20 lbs. and looked near death. We spoke with a GI nurse who said if he couldn't keep down a tablespoon of pedialyte an hour he would need IV fluids to protect his kidneys within 6 hours. He managed just barely that.

I stayed home from work for the next day because James asked me not to leave him alone and I didn't.

So it was a pretty rough return to reality, though I only thought so because I hadn't experience this past week yet (foreshadowing!). On the upside, I invited friends over for poolside wine and swimming for any kids crazy enough to jump in our freezing pool on Friday evening. I badly needed to be around humans who retained their bodily fluids.


The mamas didn't even pretend that swimming was on the table, but we had fun watching our kids dare each other to do so.


James had dragged himself to lessons (he didn't have any other certified life guards - besides himself - for that day, so it was that or cancel everything; he sat in a chair in the far corner) and when he called on his way home he said, "where are you? it sounds like there's a lot of background noise." He loves when the answer is, "our backyard." He went immediately from the car to the couch and I went in to bring him a new pedialyte with a festive straw so he could feel like part of the party.


On Saturday, James was feeling a little stronger, so in an effort to regain some joy in my life, I signed up for yoga teacher training! James had gifted it to me for Christmas and the summer schedule was doable (I mean barely, but what 200-hour training would be?) and I just wanted it so bad. I love learning, I love yoga, and Cora would still be at her daycare all summer, making this our last one without THREE crazy camp schedules. I felt like I either needed to do it now or wait until they're all in college. So I signed up. Squealed a bit. And then immediately bought the required books and school supplies. (To be clear, the school supplies are only required in my own head/heart/soul; any new adventure should have them, but the books, I really did need.)


I remain absolutely and utterly ecstatic at the idea of being back in school. Training begins in the middle of June and runs through mid-August on Tues, Wed, and Thurs nights from 7:15-10:15 (and sometimes 11:15). James is on board and we can do this. I've already begun journaling my classes and each entry brings me enormous joy.

Homework! I'm doing it.


On Saturday night we attended our latest children's play at the fabulous Casa Manana. This year the children's series included something a little different from the usual five musicals and we got to see Jason Bishop, the Illusionist! And he was GREAT! The kids were utterly enthralled and James and I had a few wide-eyed glances at each other as well. Landon declared it the greatest play ever and we remain proud and satisfied season ticket holders of Casa.


I have no distinct memories of Sunday, but I know I taught barre and I think James finally got to add rice to his chicken broth and that was very exciting for everyone.


And then last week began. On Monday I found out the 18-year-old daughter of a fellow teacher at Urban Yoga had passed away from the breast cancer she should have been too young to get and had fought fiercely for a year. It is heartbreaking and I will not try to put words to the pain her mother and family must feel. I know the pall it put over my day and the heaviness it placed on my own heart. I have never posted such a link before, but Teresita is a single mother and yoga teacher and is left with the additionally painful reality of her sweet daughter's medical bills. If you are so moved, you can read their story and help here.

I had a dermatology appointment in the afternoon for a spot I'd found near my left ear. My doctor didn't think it was cancer- not yet anyway, but in an abundance of caution opted for a chemotherapy cream to treat any precancerous cells that may be fomenting. She promised a different cream than the one that ate my chest a few years ago, so I tried to be hopeful that my skin wouldn't freak out and start eating itself again. Then, as her hand was on the door to leave, I remembered a tiny skin tag on my neck that had never bothered me before but was now right on the seam of my favorite exercise tank and would get rubbed and irritated and I'd meant to ask her about removing it. But with her hand on the door I did my usual internal debate about "being a bother" and then - yay therapy - took a breath and said I had one more thing and told her about the tag. "Oh, no problem, we can remove that right now," she said, as she closed the door and walked back over to the table. She snipped it off and then started to walk away. Then walked back. Then cocked her head. Paused. And said, "well, I don't like that." And I ended up with a biopsy for a mole I didn't know I had, hiding underneath a skin tag I almost didn't bother about. "Don't worry about this one," she said as I got dressed, "your skin looks great and you're doing all the right things." I bought more of my favorite sunscreen on my way out and tried to follow her directions.

On Tuesday night we found out James's dad is in hospice. A few hours later, Claire came down with whatever James had the week before and the poor thing was up every hour and we had to make up the trundle bed on her floor because she couldn't get up and down her bunk bed stairs to the bathroom fast enough. There was very little sleeping and she ended up missing school, and being up all night, every night, for the rest of the week.


On Wednesday I had my work review. I left from there to take Claire to the doctor and then Maggie to the vet because her allergies were still terrible, her eyes were gloopy, and she'd had what seemed like a small seizure on Sunday that had freaked me out while not bothering her at all. $250 at the vet later and we had 4 different medicines to give out 2x daily and the information that bulldogs are prone to epilepsy but there's no reason to treat unless/until the seizures bother her and interfere with her life, but if she had more than one a month, we should reach back out. I worked at home from 6-9 p.m. and Maggie stood in as paralegal.


On Thursday I was back at work bright and early, still not sleeping thanks to the stomach virus destroying the digestive system of my middle child, and ready for an evidence review in one of my cases. A few hours later I got the call from my dermatologist's office that my skin biopsy had come back positive and I needed to schedule the out-patient surgery asap to remove the cancer. I'd have a few stitches, but should feel fine later in the day. I scheduled it for next Tuesday the 23rd and then made a quick stop at Lululemon on my way to teach barre to spend my feelings. They were expensive, but also 25% off thanks to my instructor discount.


And then that night, after teaching my bare class, my cancer and I decided we weren't cooking dinner so I out we all went. I had a margarita and some pupusas and life was almost good. Until I somehow dropped one of my wedding bands down the seam between the passenger seat and console in James's suburban. And after googling, shining lights, employing chopsticks and tweezers and every position as far up and back the mechanical chair could go, we couldn't find it or get it out. And apparently undoing the bolts and removing the seat will set off the airbag. So I still don't have my ring. I'm not sure whether it's the one I got the day we got married in 2005 or the one I got for our 10th anniversary in 2015, but I miss it. And THEN, just to top off the shitshow (literally! #StomachVirusOfDoom) of the last week and ensure I was now failing in EVERY area of my life, I got in a stupid terrible fight with James that ended with me grounding myself to the TV room couch and sleeping apart from him in the same house by choice for the first and only time in our 18.5 years together.

On Friday morning we attended Landon's Math Bee. The morning rush had been busy, I had not slept, and James and I still hadn't spoken when we both showed up separately at our kids' school. We proceeded to act like amicably divorced parents, sitting with a broken chair between us and talking with friends in rows directly in front of and behind us but never to each other, while we nervously, but separately sent mental-math-vibes to our eldest child.


And then, after 14 rounds, Landon won the Math Bee! It was great! We were so proud! Separately!


Math Bee and Spelling Bee Champ- he's a double threat.


James ducked out before the reception, so we didn't have to make awkward small talk over cookies. I wanted to bang my head repeatedly on the table while muttering this is not my life and ignoring how uneven my engagement ring looked with only one band flanking its side, but instead I passed out cookies and took a picture with our mental math champ. Then I went home and Maggie had another small seizure. Much like the "don't worry about this biopsy," having a second one six days after her first really killed the "don't worry, we'll only be concerned if it's more than once a month" advice I was leaning on.


But my day ended at the patio of our local taco place at 5 p.m. with my dog in a dress from her new spring collection and several of my bestie mama friends surrounding me in love and light and frozen tequila. Our kids were also there, at another table, eating the queso and chips we had all lovingly provided for dinner.


Another friend joined our party and Maggie adopted herself out to various tables throughout the evening.


My spirits were lifted and then I got this amazing/hilarious message on my Facebook wall from a mom I only knew through my 12,000+ member Law Mom facebook group and my spirits lifted even more.


I love that Maggie brings the community together.


Things got better of course, I apologized to James and we made up and are back on our solid, easy foundation; Claire was finally able to keep down food and return to the living; my friends lifted my heart and made me laugh. The kids are wonderful. Maggie is my canine soul mate.


Though, just for more background, after three days of delicate use my chemo cream made my tiny "spot of concern" turn into a red itchy spot of cancerous fire by Friday, so it turns out there was some cancer there after all. Yay.


Maggie in her SPF sun dress, not needing chemo cream

But still, much is good.


So very much, really.


The day to day, the usual ease and flow of our busy, happy lives.


Lives that only rarely feel as busy as they are.


And I've missed you guys. I have stories! Funny stories about the kids, the dog, and life generally. My parents have moved (again!) and we're visiting them at their new house this weekend. My sister and her family will be there and my kids will get to meet their newest tiny baby cousin. My yoga reading, and writing, and training are a new well of joy. My friends are a source of support and laughter.

So much is good. And yet, I'm taking a little break.


I've been wanting to give an update on this post. I almost have, so many times, but, with a bit of selfishness and pride, I always wanted to wait until I had a real milestone- a victory of sorts- something to show the happy ending/epilogue of the story I started last year.

But depression and anxiety don't really work like that, and therapy doesn't either. It's powerful strides forward and confusing falls back; painful steps up again, and then surprising slides backward; and a lot of time with work and thought and talk and absolutely no movement at all. I'm used to action, to to-do lists and work and accomplishments and getting things done. It has been an experience in personal growth to learn that sometimes progress IS in the going backwards. The realizing that much of how you've lived/existed/processed thoughts wasn't great for you and you have to re-work that and it's hard. Hard and painful and sometimes so seemingly counterproductive you want to scream. Who knew I'd been doing so much wrong? Who knew that six months into therapy I still wouldn't be able to do things right, but instead I would be VERY aware of what I was doing wrong. It's painful and it's hard and inconvenient and I had excuses lined up in my brain 24 hours before every appointment, excuses I'd mutter as I left work/home, drove over, parked, and would still be muttering as I walked in the door.

I thought I had reached my victory- my finish line and mountain-top moment after Christmas. One year before we'd driven home from Colorado in silence while tears ran down my cheeks and I finally told James I knew something was wrong and I needed help. I think it was all he could do not to yell "YES/I KNOW/THANK GOD" while I googled therapists. I anxiously awaited my first appointment. Things got better. After three other attempts, we found an anti-depressant that worked. Therapy worked. Time, effort, work worked. My appointments got further apart. I was better and stronger and freer than I had been in a long time. My thoughts didn't cyclone as I tried to fall asleep. I didn't ruminate on hurts in the past I couldn't change or ever feel better about. I understood I spit out anxiety as anger to the one person with whom I felt safest and I could now take a breath to slow that shit down. We drove back from another Colorado Christmas chatting about our trip and sharing thoughts on the year ahead. I was buoyant. I was excited to post the same.

Then the furlough hit. And stayed. And for 35 days my extroverted, bread-winning self withered, and every behavior I thought I'd conquered came barreling back, and far from "victory," I made the move to go back to biweekly therapy instead. I had no doubts or regrets, but a part of me felt like I was going backwards and I hated it. The start of the year was just really hard in a way I didn't anticipate and frankly, thought I was beyond.

It's better. I'm better. At my last appointment in March my therapist told me it really sounded like I was doing well and that I could schedule my next appointment for anytime I wanted- one month or even three months from now. And so we're on quarterly check-ins. I feel really good. Oh I'm still on Prozac, but last week aside - or really, last week included because that's the whole damn point - I feel good. Stronger, lighter.

My kids are getting older and more complicated, as is my marriage, and I'm such a better me to walk beside each of these four most important people in my life.

This isn't goodbye, and who knows- finally sitting down and writing again from 9-11 p.m. may have reminded me of why I love and need to put thoughts to words so much. But just in case this is a bit of a pause, I wanted to leave you with this picture of my butterfly bulldog. Because this remains one of my most favorite posts I've ever written and then re-read over the years. And I know I'll be back to record more of what brings me joy.

51 comments:

  1. Wow, so many hard things at once! I am so glad you have many happy things to balance it out. You will be missed, but please take the time you need. It is so hard to be spread so thin and so easy for us mamas to not take care of ourselves. I hope everyone else avoids the virus of doom!!

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  2. I only recently discovered your blog, and I'm continually impressed with your honesty and approach to life. I'm a fellow lawyer, and one of the things I find hard is how negative people can be about the profession. It's rare and refreshing to find another person who has a positive spin on the whole thing, and it's one of the many things I've loved about your blog.

    It sounds like a super rough and overwhelming week/weeks - hopefully the good things keep pulling back into focus. And, if I'm honest, selfishly hoping the absence isn't permanent.

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  3. Random suggestion but do you think you could take your car to the dealer and they could pull the seats and look for the ring? Or do you think they would steal it? Is it insured? You could make an insurance claim. I'm so sorry that happened.

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  4. Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry for everything you are experiencing. You briefly hit on this, but I hope you celebrate more how you stood up for yourself with your doctor. My wording might not be the best, but your doctor was providing subtle clues that you were done and you championed for yourself. That is really hard to do and look at the results. Almost every woman I know has a story where she ignored something until it got really bad. When the issue is finally addressed, sometimes it is really bad and some beyond fixing.

    I am sorry for James' dad being in hospice. I am sorry.

    You are a wonderful writer and I love reading all of your posts. However, practice self care and put this on hold for as long as you need (or stop altogether). Keep on keepin' on.

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  5. Thank you for all of your posts--I've been reading for the last decade and deeply appreciate your writing. We're almost exactly the same age, and I found your blog when I was contemplating law school and future parenting--now ten years later, I'm a 1L with two kids. I send you and your family so much love. I'm also (selfishly) hoping the break isn't permanent, but respect your reasons for stepping back, and I wish you the best.

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  6. oh, I hope to see you pop on here from time to time. best wishes for you all!

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  7. Too many hard things at once -- if you and James did not get into a fight after all that -- I would seriously think something was wrong. Taking a break from writing is probably healthy! Best wishes, lagliv. You are a special lady!

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  8. I honestly want to beg you not to go. You've been my favorite blog since I discovered you. I never could really pinpoint why, TBH. There were times I was jealous of your "perfect" life, but then I felt bad because I knew you had been through hell with the Landon thing as a baby and James' parents and such. You've always kept it real and I appreciate that. I won't beg you to "stay", even if I want to because I don't want to make you feel bad about your well deserved break. Hopefully, it will just make your future updates that much more exciting.

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    1. SAME! All the other blogs I used to read have gone by the wayside (or turned into shopping blogs LOL), and this is the only one that I regularly check every day and for which I feel genuine excitement upon seeing every new post. I understand your need to possibly step back, Rebecca, and so I'm not complaining, but I will miss your posts so much! Thanks for sharing your life (and recipes, party ideas, parenting strategies, and entertaining stories) with us over the years.

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    2. Same. Yours has long been my favorite blog. I understand your need to possibly step back, but I will really miss your posts and updates. Thank you for keeping us all in the loop for so long. I hope this hard week is followed by many, many wonderful ones.

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  9. Like Carolyn, I want to encourage you to stay - I'm in my office with tears and I don't even know you. But it's selfish. I wish you all the best - thank you for making us feel not as alone.

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  10. You are very loved by a lot of anonymous strangers on the internet, and we want what's best for you. If this is what you need, we understand. That is not to say we won't miss you, though! Your family has become like family. I often refer to you as a friend when I tell people about my friend who is obsessive about nachos and fries. ;) Big hug. You've been through a LOT lately and I don't blame you one bit for wanting to step back. Thank you for your wonderful stories, your balanced perspective. They have helped me more than you know. <3

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  11. I really appreciated this post, especially the part at the end. I'm a fellow type A, do it all person (though I don't do nearly as much as you!) and can so relate to letting anxiety turn into anger toward your spouse. I don't think I could have worded as well as you did, and appreciate you putting words to things I think. I truly appreciate your perspective on raising kids, being married, working, etc. and think that you capture things so honestly but with a lot of joy. Best wishes to you in whatever you decide, and I hope to see more posts in the future.

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  12. Thank you for all your stories and reflections and sharing so much of your life! I am an anonymous internet stranger who is a young lawyer and you have been an inspiration that you can have it all - ups and downs included - as a lawyer with kids and friends and a personal life. Wishing you well!

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  13. Thank you for sharing your heart and your experiences so honestly with us. I completely support and understand your reason to take a break and whether you are gone for days, weeks, or forever, I want to thank you for being yourself and showing up here to share so much with all of us. As our daughter gets older (she's three), I look forward to our vacations and every day moments together with excitement and anticipation instead of grieving the baby years that have gone too quickly by. Your blog has taught me that, and so much more. Sending you light and love today and always.

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  14. So much love to you and your family. Go and do and tend and if you find yourself brought back here, great. If not, it has been a great pleasure to read your writing. Thanks for letting us in.

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  15. I have loved getting to "know" you through this blog and it's helped me make several important decisions (including kid #3!). Your honesty about your struggles is really brave and I truly wish you well. The experience of depression and anxiety can be isolating which worsens shame and stigma so it's an incredible gift to share this part of yourself so openly. Selfishly, I wish you will continue to write here but I want you to do what's best for you and your family and if you're ever in NYC please let me know.

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  16. Good for you! You'll be missed but you have a LOT going on right now so it's just great to know you are on it (as usual) and taking time for yourself. Thank you for your candor - as selfish as it sounds, it has really helped me to know that "the organized girl" struggles with life, as do we all. Good vibes coming to you and your family from CA. I hope everyone is healthy and happy and taking life in stride ASAP. In case you didn't know and would like a pick-me-up, Ilona Andrews posted a link to the 1st chapter of the next Hidden Legacy book on their blog yesterday: http://www.ilona-andrews.com/sapphire-flames-excerpt/. :)

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  17. Ive been reading for years and have never commented. I honestly don't know why. I do wish you well and reading your post left tears in my eyes. One, because I totally understand. Two, because I'm selfish enough to think, "Hey! What about me?? Don't go!" I do wish you well and sincerely hope you'll be back!

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  18. Take good care of yourself and your family Rebecca! I have so enjoyed reading your blog for many years and I even went back and reread from the beginning recently. Your story is incredible and your writing is so enjoyable. We have nothing in common - I am a real estate agent in Canada with two grown boys and happily married for 31 years. I did work for the same company as James and was downsized at the same time as him so that is something we share I guess. If you are taking a break I will look forward to the next post (I check every day also) and if you are done then Thank You for sharing all these years. I wish you all the best.

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  19. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. Sorry Leigh, I accidentally hit my touchscreen and next thing I knew, your comment was done and there's no way to undo it! This seems like a serious flaw in the blogger makeup. I've copied it here:

      "I’ll miss you. Thank you for sharing it all. Hiking to Hollywood sign: take the route to the Wisdom Tree and then to the back of the sign. Really cool experience. MUCH LOVE — faithful reader"

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  20. Hopefully, it's not goodbye, just see you later! All the best to you and yours,take good care.

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  21. I've been reading your blog for almost 10 years but, I don't think I've ever commented. I feel compelled to write you now to say I've loved your honest writing of the highs and lows of everyday life, recipes, parenting, law life and everything in between. As creepy as it sounds, I feel like I know you and you've helped and inspired me more than you will every know. Thank you for sharing.

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  22. I'm another one who has faithfully read your blog for ten years, and it's the only blog I've kept up with. There are many times where I encounter something and think, "LL has talked about that!" and off into your archives I go. Your humor, devotion to your family, and approach to life's challenges have been inspirational, so while I understand your need for a break, I selfishly hope you'll come back soon! Best wishes to you and your family.

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  23. I will miss reading your writing! And all of the book recommendations. But you already have a lot going on and yoga training sounds intense. No wonder you need a break. I hope you find the space to write again -- I know I will be checking back to see if have posted anything.

    As to this post, yay Landon for winning the math bee.

    The worst fights in my marriage have almost always been the really stupid ones, where you go, wait, how did that even turn into something this terrible?

    My beloved beagle had canine epilepsy. We controlled it with medication and he lived a long, happy life. So hopefully that will be the case for Maggie too.

    Very sorry to hear about James' dad. I've been there with my dad and my mother-in-law and it's just really hard.

    Sending all the best to you and your family.

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  24. To echo what others say, your blog has been my favorite and you will surely be missed. Thank you for sharing with us over the years! Sending you and your crew all the best.

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  25. Thank you for what you've written. I hope you'll be back.

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  26. Another long time reader first time commenter (and fellow lawyer). I will truly miss your blog. Thank you for being so open and generous all these years with your struggles, triumphs, and everything in between. Wishing you and your family all the best, and hope that you'll be back.

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  27. Just like that, I'm over here in tears again after one of your amazing blog posts. I started reading your blog somewhere post-Claire, pre-Cora and I've been following intently every since. Thank you so much for what you have given us, you are so open about everything and it is such a breath of fresh air. I am also a Texan
    government lawyer-mom (but never commented before) and I always thought maybe that was why I was so drawn to your corner of the internet, but now I know better :) You constantly share the best and worst parts of your life in a way that is relatable to everyone and it is just beautiful. Thank you for just being you. I respect your decision to do what is in you and your family's best interest, even if it is sad for the rest of us. I hope this is just a pause but just in case it isn't, thank you for everything.

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  28. Thank you, so, so, much. Over the last five years I've been following you, you've helped me to see, imagine, work through and plan my future. I found your blog first as I was contemplating law school and, nearly five years later and a few weeks from graduation from law school, I count myself very lucky to have learned from you and enjoyed your writing over the years. While I will very much miss your posts, I recognize your reasons for putting things on pause right now. I wish you and your beautiful family all the very best!

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  29. I want to jump on the LL appreciation train. After you wrote in detail about your departure from the firm for a job at the agency, I started taking a much closer look at gov't positions and took one about one year ago. The change has been wonderful for my health. Thank you not only for the inspiration, but for busting some of my preconceived notions of work as a gov't atty.

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  30. I will miss this blog so much. I relate to you on so many levels and feel like like you are an online mentor of sorts but one who lets me the see the cracks. I will miss knowing about the goings on with your kiddos and seeing the fun shenanigans with your mom tribe. You have been so vulnerable and yet so respectful of your loved one's privacy. I understand how as kids get older and grapple with more hard stuff it becomes even more of a tight-rope about what you feel you can write about. Please know that you entertained me, supported me, taught me, and delighted me with your words. I wish you well always!

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  31. I hope you come back when you are ready. I need you and Maggie in my life :)

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  32. And yet one more note of appreciation from a fellow lawyer who is (almost) old enough to be your mom, and who really enjoys your writing. I see much of my younger self in you (although I went from government to private practice). Trust me when I say that it will get easier (not always, but sometimes). Your honesty and humor are incredibly refreshing at a time when so many people only show Instagram-perfect selves. Parenting 3 kids, tending to marriage and your extended family and friends, meal planning and exercise all add up to more than a full time job. Be kind to yourself and rest for a while. We’ll miss you, but you need to prioritize YOU right now. And if you come back, we’ll all be here waiting and cheering.

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  33. I feel like I am losing a friend I hang out with everyday : ) ... but just like I say to my closest girlfriends: Good job taking care of yourself! It's counter cultural for women and because of that it takes courage and great strength and it is a beautiful example to your precious kids.

    I, too, credit you for me going back to school and now having my own practice, while raising my kids and now single-parenting. You are an inspiration and a gift, Rebecca! And I want to add just because we've all left these comments does not mean you can't jump back in anytime. Only you know what you need and can tackle each day. Who knows? Maybe a few blog posts here and there will still be therapeutic, as needed. : )

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful self and changing so many of our worlds. (And if you ever decide to run for any office, count me in as your first donor!) xooxo

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  34. First time commenting here, but I’ve read your blog for years. I echo what others have said. I’m a surgeon, not a lawyer, but started following your story during my med school journey and appreciate this window into your working mom life. Thank you for sharing with us and for being so raw/honest. You offer the perfect balance between sharing the positives and negatives, something I haven’t found on any other blog. I wish you and your family all the best! You will be missed.

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  35. I've been reading you since the Landon years...a lifetime it seems like. You are such gifted story teller and I would hate for this to be a permanent hiatus. However, I echo the sentiments of all of your wonderful readers...take time off, you do you and if you come back we'll be the luckier for it.

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  36. *SNIFFS IN BEREFT*
    Enjoy your time off! We'll be here when you get back :-)

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  37. I will miss you and the little glimpses you gave us of your world. But, I totally get it. Be well.

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  38. Thank you for years of sharing your story here. I hope there's more to come, but regardless, I'm grateful for what you've shared with your readers over the years. So much affection for the whole LagLiv family!

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  39. LL...take care of you. I'm sorry to say I haven't been a faithful reader lately but every now and then, I pop in to check on you. I first found you thru...maybe?...CM with the cookie avatar (remember that?) and Bengali Chick (where did she go?) but stayed b/c I fell in love with your little, growing family. Mom of 3? Did you ever imagine? I'll miss your witty writing and cute kiddo pics. Lanman, Clairebear and Cora are so lucky to have you as a Mom. And JP...don't leave me hanging here w.o. an updated pic of his shirtless torso highlighting those phenomenal abs! ;) Good to luck to you in your career, to JP with the pool school and supply company. Best wishes for the kids to be healthy, happy and successful in all they endeavor.
    -Desimom

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  40. just checked in to cheer myself up, your blog has always done that for me! Long time reader, occasional commenter, but huge fan(from SoCal. You will be missed, until we meet again,, I wish you and your family all the best.

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  41. I didn’t comment initially when you first posted this, but I just wanted to add my thanks for what you’ve contributed the years - you’ve been inspiring, comforting, and so relatable. I miss hearing from you here but wish you and your family well!

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  42. I've been reading your blog for at least 6 years. I first came across it when I was contemplating going to law school and having a baby at the same time. I emailed you and you were kind enough to email back with some encouraging words. I was pregnant with my daughter my 3L year and gave birth 2 days before graduation. I've never once regretted my decision to have a baby while in law school and you were my inspiration all along. Now, I'm a happy mom of two (contemplating having a third and finding myself going back and forth about whether we want to add another tiny human to the picture much like you were), and practicing attorney. I owe you more thanks than you even know. I've genuinely loved reading every post and watching your kids grow. I'll miss you, your blog, and hearing about your family but I wish you all the very best.

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  43. I have lots of feelings about you no longer (for now) writing here but I only have time to wish you a speedy recovery with today's surgery! All the best. Blandine

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  44. Also checking in to say you are loved by this blog community and I'm sending healing thoughts your way. Much love.

    Butterflyfish :)

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  45. What surgery? It is hard enough to miss you, worrying is just too much. I hope this break is everything you need it to be.

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  46. Checking in... You're on my mind. I've often found that if someone is on my mind, it's usually time to reach out and tell them so. I just re-read your entry, and you were going through SO much. Hope things are a little easier.

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  47. I'm SO EXCITED YOU ARE BACK!!!! I seriously missed you here!!!

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