Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Mourning and Afternoon and What's Next

I am gutted today. Truly shocked and devastated. I look at my pictures from yesterday morning and the evidence of my excitement and optimism now mock me in the aftermath. I was up early and in my pantsuit- a pantsuit I had to remove from plastic since the last time I wore it was my SEC job interview in Jan. 2012. I took a picture with the girls, I waved at my pantsuit-wearing colleagues, I joyfully and tearfully scanned pantsuit nation at every opportunity, feeling overwhelmed by the positivity of those voting for Hillary, posting pictures of the strong women in their lives- their mothers, grandmothers, daughters and friends.


I wasn't confident in how the night would go, but I wasn't truly afraid. America would never vote a hate-filled bully, a man who bragged on the record of sexually assaulting women, a man can't run a business- was literally handed millions and still left behind a string of bankruptcies, a man whose career is riddled with screwing over anyone smaller or weaker than him including many small business owners, a group of people I hold near and dear to my heart, into one of the most powerful positions in the world. The Right claims to care about family values and this is a man on his third marriage who cheated on two wives. They say they care about the Constitution and this is a man who revoked press passes when journalists weren't complimentary in violation of the First Amendment, whose stance on using religion as a screening tool or a means of disallowing citizens into the United States mocks the First, Fourth, Fifth, Fourteenth, and Fifteenth Amendments, and a man who advocates a stop and frisk policy that has already been found to violate the Fourth and Fifth. The Constitution cannot endure if we do not uphold it. This is a man whose twitter feed reads like an rage-filled playground bully, a man whose temperament and impulse control are so nonexistent he wasn't even allowed access to that twitter feed in the days leading up to the vote. This a man who mocked a disabled man and who belittles and name calls anyone who disagrees with him. A man endorsed by the KKK. A weak man who, when his supporters beat up a homeless Hispanic man outside one of his rallies, responded with a simple "well, my supporters are very passionate."

He has shown us at every step exactly who he is, so no way would America agree that that's who we are too.

And on a practical note, he never actually told us anything about how he would do any of the things he claimed. Fix Healthcare? How? Lower the national debt? How? His only detailed plan was his tax plan which was shown to increase the national debt 26x more than Hillary's. Build a wall? Please, he stopped talking about that once he won the primary. He said he didn't need to know the names of Eastern European countries and would figure them out "when he won." There was never any substance and he is extraordinarily uninformed about the world and how our government works. No way we would let him be the one in the room with powerful, far more prepared foreign figures deciding things we don't even know about.

But we did.

The kids had been so excited about election night. We made cookies and signs. I answered 55,000 questions on the electoral college, Congress, term lengths, state government, political parties, and a million other things. When it became clear early on it would be a late night, we sent them to bed with promises of the results in the morning. I still believed I'd be able to tearfully tell my children we had our first female president and that our country was secure in the hands of a knowledgeable, hard-working, fair person.

I was wrong.

The kids burst in our room this morning just as I was reading the news myself (we'd gone to bed about 11:30, when the writing was on the wall but not yet final) and I couldn't choke it out. James told them. I pulled myself together and we talked about limited government, the checks and balances (leaving out they're all now Republican and the Supreme Court, already the most conservative ever is about to take another hard right), that everyone makes their choices and isn't it wonderful they will get to make their own in just a few more elections. That in four years we will do this again, and everyone will choose their candidate and support them and root for them and hope they win. That there are lots of ways mommy and daddy support the things they believe in. That we donate money to groups who help protect those more vulnerable than us. That nothing changes their friendships, where we live, or our support for our school and our community.

Several hours later I almost believe what I told them. I'm a pragmatic optimist and generally worry about very little. The country in the hands of Donald Trump truly scares me. When Kerry lost to Bush I was disappointed. I didn't think Bush was a good president, but I did not believe he was a bad person. I believe Trump is a bad person whose thin-skinned temperament he has exhibited over and over again will make for a disastrous president. I'm having a hard time moving on from that.

Separately, I feel a deep loss at our opportunity for a female president. I voted for Hillary because I believe she would have done an excellent job. It was a bonus thrill for me to imagine a woman in the highest office in the land. You can tell your daughters they can be anything, but until it happens, it isn't really true. I feel a deep sadness at the loss of that powerful image.

And I feel sadness at the fact that half (well, slightly less than half; Hillary won the popular vote) of the country voted for Donald Trump. That hate and intolerance won. That Muslim, Hispanic, LGBTQ and other minority groups woke up genuinely afraid this morning. A friend was dropping her 1st grade daughter off at elementary school when an older boy (4th grade maybe) yelled out "hey, you have to go back to Mexico now!" and he and all his friends laughed. Another friend is a 2nd grade teacher and she told a tearful Muslim student yesterday that she had nothing to worry about. As she posted on facebook last night, what do I tell her today? This isn't hypothetical hand wringing. This is actually happening.

So I am gutted.

But. As I pull myself together, I remember that what I told my children is true. This does not change our family or how we interact with others. We can be agents of good. We have doubled our monthly Planned Parenthood donations and added the ACLU. I have joined the Pantsuit Nation Tarrant County Chapter and look forward to our first meeting next week with ideas on how to get involved on a local level. I'm reaching out to my immigration attorney friends and asking how I can help. I have a legal degree and I'm certain I can make better use of it in my free time. There is so much good around me, I want to be someone who adds more.

As I watched Hillary's concession speech and cried, I also felt inspired. This part in particular:

And to the young people in particular, I hope you will hear this. I have, as Tim [Kaine] said, spent my entire adult life fighting for what I believe in. I've had successes and I've had setbacks - sometimes really painful ones. Many of you are at the beginning of your professional, public and political careers. You will have successes and setbacks too. This loss hurts. But please, never stop believing that fighting for what's right is worth it.

It is. It is worth it.


And so, we need you to keep up these fights now and for the rest of your lives.

And to all the women, and especially the young women, who put their faith in this campaign and in me, I want you to know that nothing has made me prouder than to be your champion.

Now, I know, I know we have still not shattered that highest and hardest glass ceiling but someday, someone will and hopefully sooner than we think right now.

And to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable, and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams.

I don't know that we have shown our girls that that last part is true. Electing a man who at 60 bragged about sexual assaulting women isn't a great way to tell girls they are valuable. But we will do what we can to show our children otherwise. I was truly inspired by this post. We can be the America we want to be in our own home and in our community. I love this country and I want to be a vibrant part of it. We will teach inclusion and the fact that America is a place where everyone is from somewhere else. We will emphasize the ideal that the strong protect the weak.


I haven't given up and we are not done. We just have more work to do than I thought.


(And if you have any suggestions on that work- good places to donate time or money, ways to reach out to those feeling vulnerable to let them know they are loved, ways to get involved in Tarrant county, or anything else you can think of, I would truly love to hear them. We will be the good we want to see in our country. And while we're doing that, we'll look to 2018.)

35 comments:

  1. This is a wonderful post. I am a political scientist and the thought that this could have actually happened is shocking even to those of us who do this and teach this for a living. I have not been able to put my thoughts into words, but this sums up much of what I have been thinking.

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  2. Oh, another great place to donate is to Bryan Stevenson and the Equal Justice Initiative eji.org. Read his book Just Mercy if you haven't.

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    1. I also love the work that Bryan Stevenson does, and his book is incredible. On the immigration front, I do pro bono work with the CARA Family Detention Project based in Dilley, TX (but I live overseas and do work for them remotely, so no need to go to Dilley if you are unable). They represent detained mothers and children seeking asylum and they are heroes fighting a very broken system where we are somehow still keeping children and babies and mothers in detention centers for no reason except that they are seeking to save their families' lives. I'm happy to message you more about it if it sounds interesting to you.

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    2. Oh, and this goes without saying but I share your devastation. Thank you for writing....

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    3. YES YES YES! I totally second what T said about volunteering at Dilley. They desperately need lawyers.

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    4. LL, I am a longtime blog reader and an immigration lawyer. I strongly second what others have said re: Dilley, but also just more generally representing immigrants. I think it's pretty clear that immigrants will be one of the first, if not the first groups the Trump administration will target. I don't know if you've ever seen the numbers on the vastly different success rates for immigrants with legal representation in immigration court vs. immigrants that lack legal representation (check out p. 20 of this report http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/local/2016/11/10/trumps-margin-of-victory-surprised-both-ohio-republicans-and-democrats.html#), but this is an area where a volunteer lawyer can make a HUGE difference. The fact that you have that bar license gives you an opportunity to jump in and help one immigrant at a time in a truly life-changing way. Given that many people are struggling right now to figure out what concrete ways they can best stand up to Trump, I feel that we are truly lucky as lawyers to be able to have this option.

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    5. Oops, sorry, I didn't copy the link correctly and accidentally copied another story I was reading previously. Here you go! https://www.ils.ny.gov/files/Accessing%20Justice.pdf

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  3. Thank you for this post. I'm a minority, and I am so so scared that the bigots and racists that have talked bad about all minority groups, LGBT, Muslims etc behind their backs are now free to do so in person. I was walking my dog today (I live in TX too) in the park, and some college aged guys yelled out "Go back to Syria raghead". I was just in shock and kept walking on autopilot. Never mind that I was born here and attend medical school here, and my parents have been law abiding, tax paying citizens for almost 30 years. I felt that Trump has now given people the right to say these things out loud, and I walk around thinking to myself that 50% of the people around me do not want me here, and I'm disheartened.

    Thank you for speaking out. And kudos to donating to Planned Parenthood.

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    1. We want you here. We need you here. You're a part of the fabric that makes this country so great.

      I'm sickened that such a thing was said to you. And very sorry.

      I hope love is still stronger than hate,fear and ignorance.

      I promise to speak up and stand up for anyone being mistreated the way you were, even if it's just too fall into step beside you on your walk to show solidarity.

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  4. Thank you! I have a lot of anger today and I'm not ready to release it yet. I don't know if I will. I'm in the Tarrant County area also and I recommend Girls Inc. of Tarrant County. They are having their 40th Anniversary Gala this Friday, which is probably too late for you to get tickets. I have a beautiful dress and I'm going to go, full of hope.
    I got involved with this group this year via my company's women's network. This chapter had a college shower for 75 girls this summer and we're gearing up for next summer. The idea is to prepare the girls for college. With the Young Women's Academy having their first graduates, there is a lot of hope that these girls (turning to women) will be able to become leaders in our area. If you can attend any of their programs, I recommend it. The college shower had me crying almost the entire time.

    FYI: They are adding some new programs and will need to teach the girls how to swim. I mentioned your blog, but didn't see a way to contact you directly. Thank you for everything.

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    1. My email address is in the "About Me" box in the top right -- lagliv [at] gmail.com. I'd love to get information on those programs!

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  5. Cried so very much today. So much. I live and work in a nice liberal bubble and clearly was deluded and far too optimistic and now I'm just left with the guilt that I should have done more. So now I will.

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  6. I absolutely love this post. Thank you for articulating my frustration and ending on a message of hope.

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  7. Please don't associate him with Republicans generally. I USED to be a Republican, until they nominated him. I have been physically sick all day. I just can't believe, in any reality, that he will be our President. Just...no. On every single level. NO. For so many reasons, NO. What happened? Who could vote for him? Just...NO.

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  8. Thank you for sharing this awesome article, I am still numb from the results. I am 75 and have voted in every election for president since I was old enough to vote. Usually if your candidate doesn't win you are sad but also know the other guy will do ok. This isn't true this time. Donald Trump and what he stands for scares me for my family and this country. I only hope that I am wrong.

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  9. Thank you. I am married to one of Trump's hated minorities in a red state, and am very scared for my family and our country's future. I also was a teenager when Hillary was harangued as a First Lady, so there's that. So unbelievably sad today:(

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  10. So well put, Rebecca. Please print this out for each kid's baby book or add it to this year's photobooks. It will be a family treasure for generations to come, and will speak truth to your girls as young adults. Yes, you will show by example. but this concrete record is invaluable as tangible proof as where Grandma Rebecca stood in the olden days. Sounds both scary and a bit lame, but I stand by it, anyway!

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  11. Thank you for this post. I am still decompressing, but as a white woman here in my blue state, I feel like I have less of a right to complain than many. Yet I still feel numb, gutted. And the only saving grace is that my daughter is not old enough to have lived through this election and will hopefully never remember a President Trump (I hope he succeeds for the country, but also cannot wait to get him out in 2020). However, this entire election, especially the outcome, has really driven home for me that I need to do much more than donate a few dollars, phone bank, and read/listen to other left-leaning wonks. I am going to do what my (Republican Hillary supporter, FWIW) husband always does and find real ways to volunteer in my community. For now. We'll see what happens as 2018 approaches but I need a break from horse-race politics in the meantime...

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  12. Even if we were wrong, all of the women I know (even those who have been longtime Republicans) and even the men who supported Hillary, but more importantly said No to Racism, Misogyny, and Hatred gave me So Much Hope. Always remember, that man did not win a majority of the vote. A majority of people Said No. We will work, together, in our own communities to make sure that love always wins.

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  13. I haven't been able to express the level of despair I feel following Tuesday. Your post helps me. This election has made me reevaluate many things, and I am going to make sure my children understand that this is not okay. Telling my two little girls on Wednesday morning was one of the saddest moments of my life. I am working on a letter to my kids (2 girls, 1 boy like you!) for them to read in the future about this election. I want them to know where I stood at this moment. The only thing that gives me any satisfaction (smug) is social media gives us a record of all the racist, sexist, misogynistic things everyone said and liked. It will be the first time there is such a record of people being on the wrong side of history. So at least there's that? Thanks for writing. A big hug in solidarity to all of you badass ladies!

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  14. I need to know more about Pantsuit Nation Tarrant County. I did a quick google search, but found nothing. I am interested.

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    1. It's a secret group. I would love to add you! Send me an email at lagliv [at] gmail.com so I can friend you on facebook and get you added. Or, if you know my real name, add me as a friend on facebook and I'll add you that way!

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    2. I have sent an email about Pantsuit Nation Tarrant County. Very interested.

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  15. Well said, LL. That's all I have in me to say and doubt I could say it any better than you did anyway.

    Like you, I promise to do more too.

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  16. Jezeble released "A List of Pro-Women, Pro-Immigrant, Pro-Earth, Anti-Bigotry Organizations That Need Your Support" yesterday.
    http://jezebel.com/a-list-of-pro-women-pro-immigrant-pro-earth-anti-big-1788752078


    I'm pretty anti-Trump. I didn't get to the point of crying, but I was definitely shocked and disappointed. I keep reminding myself that he has adult children who seem to be good people and they all respect him, so he can't be all bad, right? Right? Of course, I also like to think that the reason he didn't have any concrete answers for policy and procedure is because he spent most of his adult life as a Democrat and he thought if he gave his real opinion the conservative Right would defect.

    My biggest concern in the aftermath is that so many people feel like half (or almost half) of the country is full of hate for women, immigrants, minorities, and the LGBTQ community. The fear and sadness in these people hurts me. The idea that part of our country thinks the other part hates them? That children are picking up on this and think it's okay to pick on others? This is depressing. And the backlash against Trump voters is frightening to me. I've had friends say, "Women who voted for Trump deserve to be grabbed by the p*ssy." Um, no. Watch it, you're talking about my mama. I'm irritated that the media chooses only to show the hate-fueled rhetoric instead of trying to understand the real reasons people voted for Trump. There's always hate in the world, but voting for Trump doesn't mean you have hate in your heart.

    Between all of my and my husband's extended families, 3 of us (me, my husband, and my sister) did NOT vote for Trump. Everyone else did. Every single person. Gay, straight, women, men, Mexican, bi-racial, my cousin who's married to a Muslim guy and had to vote absentee from London, etc. Why? I don't know. It sounds like a terrible decision to me. But I know this, they had their reasons, and whatever they are they're valid and not about hate.

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  17. I thought I cried enough about what happend for the last two days. Apprently not. Reading this made me cry again today. My almost five yr old daughter had an election in her school where she voted for Hillary saying "girls are tough and can be Presidents" and was excitedly looking forward fot her to win, and to explain her that Hillary did not win but an idiot who is everything I don't want my kid to be won was extremly tough. I feel all that you said and some more. Never in my life I thought I would cry over an election result.
    I was born in India and am living in USA for the last 10 yrs. so this is home and its my responsibility to do my part to make my home better. So, I'm finding ways to get involved and next election I'm going to volunteer and drive people in my car to go vote (I live in AZ and here there are a lot of Hispanic first time voters who did not vote because they did not know how or where to).
    I have hope... with so many of us we can make it better.
    Thank you for reminding about planned parenthood. I'm going to make adonation. and please, share what you learn from your group. It will help some of us to get more involved.

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  18. Hi,
    I am à French reader of your blog (which, btw, I really enjoy) and I have been in shock for the last 2 days. I am deeply sad for the US, especially for those who have been targeted by Trump ie pretty much every one but White heterosexual mâles, and I fear for the state of your country. I am also scared for our own presidential élection which is coming up next spring - it seems impossible that we'll elect Le Pen, and yet...
    But I am encouraged to see people like you go high, and I hope that my fellow citizens will, too.
    Anyway, this long rambling can probably be summarized as 'sorry, so sorry, and good luck' :-)

    Blandine

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  19. Any thoughts on a shift from election by the College to popular vote? Is it possible--why not; we had election reform previously in the form of instituting voting rights for minorities--, useful, and even necessary as it seems to me?

    I think many people who live in very solid red or blue states are not voting in presidential elections because they are convinced their vote "does not count".

    I don't want to write an essay here in your comments section about outdated (legally as of Civil War outcome; practically as of new Global/Computer age) considerations of and concessions to States' sovereignty--But can we continue to be held hostage by a handful of "numerically median" (I can't call them politically moderate) states? They are on average far away (literally and figuratively) from our country's epicenters of business, education, art, and population.

    Is this not as important and "upstream" an issue as I think it is? Can we not make a path to reform and travel it to a more appropriate, actual, fair, and timely government for the people, of the people, and by the people?

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  20. I am still in shock. I was smug as hell when I voted, secure in knowing that HRC would win. I went to sleep before the Florida's vote was confirmed. My three year old woke up at 1:30 from a nightmare and I couldn't resist the urge to check my phone after putting her in my bed to snuggle. I had to leave the room so that my nose blowing didn't wake my husband or daughter. I don't understand allowing that man to become president. What I can understand is a vote for change, before he became the party nomination, I expected a republican win - but I think people have put their trust in the wrong champion. I hope we're wrong. I hope he decides to act presidential. I hope my daughter won't remember living through President Trump, but then I remember that she isn't a baby anymore and will be 7 when he leaves office; and I'm crushed all over again. I keep telling myself it's only four years and if he can repeal the good work Obama has done in that time, perhaps we can repair the damage by winning in 2018.

    I am a teacher and strive to be apolitical in the classroom. I believe in giving my students the tools to make an informed decision. This has been the hardest thing to deal with.

    I'm jealous of your legal skills and wish that I could help with immigration law. Instead I will keep making sure my students are well informed, know how to check their sources, and are kind to each other.

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  21. 1. I'm a business litigation attorney but I do pro bono work for the ACLU (MN chapter), so I thank you for thinking of the ACLU at this time. They will fight the fight.
    2. There's a new and rapidly growing FB group called "Lawyers on the Left" that is exactly what it sounds like, and people are actually organizing and planning to get stuff done. LMK if you want to be added - I think we'd need to be FB friends but you could just unfriend me after if you want. No offense. :)

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  22. I have to say, I really enjoyed this post. I've been marinating on it a lot the past few days and came back to reread it twice. I would describe myself as a very average female voter. I'm not a PolySci major, I'm not heavily involved in any PACs... I watched the debates, I read each candidate's platform, I had discussions with several people from opposing sides around me. In the end I voted for Hillary because I just couldn't get past many of the things you mentioned above about Donald Trump. But personally, I was never excited about Hillary. I was very lukewarm. So my question is (genuine question here, not a dig or anything)... what do you say to the thinking that Hillary was more of the same? Another politician, another Washington machine? I had a hard time connecting with her as a candidate. To me she felt old and out of touch with my reality. I couldn't vote for Trump (as a woman how could you do so and sleep at night) but I will say my interest is piqued at how he's going to incite all this change. We'll see, right? (Eye roll) I don't think many would argue we are working under a broken system. My dad- completely healthy, self employed- is paying $1700 a month for private health insurance for two people as an example. I don't know what the answers are. Sorry for the diatribe. But in short, the whole thing makes me very sad and your post was great! I admire that you're personally stepping up to be a part of the solution.

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    1. Hey Chelsea! I so appreciate this comment (that I would never consider a diatribe!). I'm prepping for Cora's party (and to teach barre right before because I couldn't get a sub, ack), so I don't have time to thoughtfully respond, but I'm going to dump a bunch of text here that first came to mind as I read your thoughtful question:

      First, in brief, I don't think Hillary necessarily would have been more of the same. Or at least, she wouldn't have been in a Congress willing to work with her on anything. Washington worked pretty well - at least as well it was intended to work, which was slowly - for a long time. It ground to its current halt on the night Obama was elected in the landslide of 2008 and the Republican leadership got together and said "we will give him no victories." That meeting is factual and what happened afterward was too. I think that is one of the biggest problems right now, the extraordinarily inflamed rhetoric on both sides, but particularly in that year conservative media had painted Obama as the end of times and now that he was elected, they basically had to make it true. Much of what's in Obamacare came from a Republican think tank. The state exchanges, the individual mandates- those are conservative ideals. I'm by no means a healthcare expert, but I do believe that part of the high premium problem comes from the fact that republican states then refused to set up the exchanges (i.e., my friends in Illinois, which did, are able to secure MUCH lower premiums and better coverage because there is increased competition- again, a conservative ideal, now oddly in place in blue states rather than red ones). Healthcare is definitely a huge problem and I have no idea how to fix it. I would really like to hear other law makers put forth ideas on that issue (besides overturning what currently exists), but since I haven't, I have to assume this is the best we can do for now.

      Anyway, to get to the point, I think it's more partisan issues than personal ones that would create the "more of the same." Hillary is a very conservative Democrat and when she was a Senator she was well known for working across the aisle, particularly on national security issues. I think, with a Congress willing to "risk" giving her successes by working with her on their own ideas, she could have done very well. But in the current climate, I don't know if that would ever have been allowed to happen. But it wouldn't under Trump either, so I decided I had to vote the person. And I looked at her history and resume and saw someone who worked very hard for the public for a very long time and I put my faith in that. She graduated from Yale law school with all the job offers that entailed and chose to literally knock on doors of poor families to improve their access to education. I think a person who would do that is someone I can trust in the White House. I wish her campaign had focused more on that in her campaign -- on her, and who she is, instead of who she was against.

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    2. Also, to me she didn't come across as out of touch, at least not more than your average politician (certainly less so than Trump), but I understand what you're saying - you chose her, but weren't inspired by her. And I understand that. I wasn't at first, but came to be. There was a really good Humans of New York post about her (copied here), where she talked about being the only female in her law classes and other situations and it made her very reserved. I think that was a necessary coping mechanism at the time that has become a hindrance to her now. Those who work for her describe her as very warm and this article describes that (titled "I was a Hillary hater until I read her emails").

      So for me, I think that was some of the background and color that ended up making me look at her in a new way, and once I did, I did find her inspirational. Not perfect by any means, but I was genuinely excited about her potential presidency, instead of just seeing it as the lesser of two evils (though I certainly saw it as that too!). I hope that is helpful and not just a jumbled mess :).

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  23. Thanks so much for this. A great articulation of why this election is so terrible, and what we need to do. And if you can ( my state job means I can't anymore) representing immigrants is one of the most meaningful things I've ever done with my law degree.

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  24. You have ably captured so much of the grief and shock we feel as this misogynist huckster takes the reins of power. For any of you looking for an effective way to take action, consider Annie's List (annieslist.com), a PAC whose mission is to train, support, and elect progressive women to office in Texas. In this election, Annie's List endorsed 25 pro-choice, progressive women up and down the ballot, 24 of whom won their races outright and one who is still in contest. The local Steering Committee sponsors several informative and entertaining events in Fort Worth each year. Sign up online to get connected

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