I am worn out. I'm not really sure why, other than the baby-growing and single-parenting in the evenings while JP is coaching his lessons. Still though, I fell asleep on the couch out of nowhere yesterday while Claire was taking her nap. I woke up nearly 3 hours later completely freaked out by how much time had passed, and also by the realization that Landon had been completely on his own for the first hour or so while I was asleep before JP got home from his pool director meeting. Thank goodness he's a naturally well-behaved kid. I think it was all the travel. I can't sleep on planes and don't do much better in hotels. Luckily, I think I'll be staying in the Fort for at least the next month or so.
On a somewhat related pregnancy note, it's been bothering me again that I feel like I don't remember anything about Landon's babyhood. I'm worried I've blocked out all the good, or didn't savor it enough in the moment to be able to recall it, because of the cloud of bad that hung over so many months of it. I know, definitely know, that we had happy moments at the time. I see pictures and video, I remember thinking at the time how much I loved Landon's big round-headed smiley self, but I feel like I don't remember the actual moments. And then I freak out that this has set an off, or slightly distanced, course for my whole relationship with Landon forever. I'm so close with Claire, so very in the moment with her, and I remember her babyhood with such pure joy, that I occasionally can't sleep for comparing the emotions of the two. But then I read my blog posts from Landon's toddlerhood- years 2 and 3 and I know I felt the exact same way with him. Twelve months to four years is my absolute favorite time with the kids so far- it's so immediate and exuberant and full of growth and change. I read my letter to Landon at 17 months and I recall those intense feelings of love and my complete joy in him with such clarity. Any distance (and it's not really distance; it's more a guilt that I was able to feel more happiness sooner and more fully with Claire's infancy that I then project out to now) I perceive now is purely based on his growing up into more of himself and the fact that Claire, at 2, is still very much an extension of JP and me.
And yet, his babyhood really is mostly a black hole. Will it come back? Does it matter? He has no idea, and again, I know from pictures and video that he was quite as happy and smiley and babbley as Claire (at least once we got his first set of ear tubes, poor guy). But it bothers me. It's been bothering me more lately, and instead of reassuring me, watching his little video clips make me more sad because I'm so clearly watching a dated and labeled video of my baby. I'm not remembering the moment that was videoed at all.
It bothers me.
Landon's babyhood was unique in so many ways, I can't even read many of his blog posts from 3-5 months without a physical reaction, that I can't tell if this is a normal phenomenon- the paling of the older child's babyhood memories while the younger one's remain strong. In five years maybe I'll be looking at videos of Claire and saying the same. I don't know, and I don't know why I'm so fixated on it right now, but I am, and I can't fix it and I can't remember.