Unbalanced

Last week was difficult.  Not because of the dinosaur roach, though that did not help, but because JP spent the entire week- up to and including the weekend and Father's Day- either out of town or working every single second of the day (and most of the time- both).

It is always hard when your spouse works 16 hours a day.  It was sometimes hard in Chicago when we didn't have kids and I didn't have a job.  It is eleventy million times harder now that we have two kids and I work full time.  I remember writing a post during a difficult week in Chicago- when I had finals or papers due or something and JP worked 80 hours in 6 days- and writing something to the effect of, "it doesn't work when both parties think they deserve pity at the same time."  JP needed some pitying because he was working non-stop and I needed some pity because I was on my own for 5 days with the kids and the dog and the house and the roach and the job and the cooking, cleaning, etc.  I didn't need much, but I needed some, and JP had none to give.  And he needed a lot and I quickly ran out.  So when Saturday morning rolled around and I just wanted to sleep in for a few minutes because yay we had another grown-up in the house again, and then he disappeared at 7 a.m. to go swim without telling me (assuming that, of course he'd get to go to practice- he'd worked like a maniac all week!), I was displeased to awaken and find him gone.  And much of the displeasure came from the fact that yes, he totally deserved to get to go swim and I knew that and damnit I don't really mind waking up and being with my children, but I've also missed him and I want him home and I don't want to mop on Saturday mornings anymore and I really miss having a housekeeper and I'm afraid to move that basket because what if there's another snake and I hate that my kitchen always has stuff on the counters but I'm tired of cleaning and drying and putting away all the tiny tupperware containers that accompany life with children and I'm on my fifth load of laundry in five days and why do my bathroom floors always look dirty even though I vacuum them every two days and if I see one more fucking springtail in the bathroom I am going to scream and oh there's the dryer ding and AHHH.  I am hostessing a pity party and NO ONE EVEN BOTHERED TO SHOW UP.  I work too, not as much as JP does, but full-time 45 hours a week and I did not sign on to do all the parenting and housework and shopping and bill paying and everything else that exists on the to-do list for a family of four.  It was really the mopping that pushed me over the edge.  I hate mopping and I was on room #4 when JP walked in and I just kind of lost my mind.  Not loudly, the children were awake after all, but not at all in the more reasoned, calm, hey I'm glad you got to have some you-time and it's so great to have you home but it would have be nice if you'd stayed in bed with me this morning.  I've missed you.

That is not what I said.  And then I felt bad and then I felt mad that I felt bad because I had some legitimacy to my annoyance but now I'd gone and lost all the moral high ground by being crazy and UGH. A life with two working parents with normal jobs (less than 50 hours/week) would be so easy right now.  I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.  Never- not even in my many playings of "house" when I was little with my friends.  The story always started with breakfast before I went to work, or dinner right after I came home from work ("work" was usually a veterinary clinic complete with stuffed animal patients and intake forms we painstakingly created; I have always loved a good form).  JP and I have always split things.  The work was not always even, but it was always divided.  Now I have this marvelously regular job with "light" hours and his job has gone crazy and nothing is even.  It's barely even divided.  And it's hard.  My inner oldest child is screaming "but it isn't fair I work too!" as my grown-up wife and partner-self knows I'd expect the same of him (and have expected the same of him) when I've worked like crazy for a period of time (see last August).  The division of labor right now is not the best- but I don't think best is possible when one member of the team is working 7 days a week.  I know this, try not to forget it, and complain here when I do.

And in a flip of things, I'm headed to DC tomorrow for a work trip.  I'll get to stay in the Mandarin Oriental, stop by the Home Office, and see two of my best friends from law school for dinner.  I'll be home Wednesday and we'll flip back.  One day, supposedly soon, we'll stop flipping and get back to balancing.  I miss the balancing.