I am here

I just got a comment asking, "Where are you?!?!" (actually, it may not have had exclamation points, I don't want to overstate the importance of my whereabouts, but I am a big fan of the "?!" combo, it just expresses so much with so little). It's a fair question- I've been gone from the interwebs for 8 whole days, which is one of my longer breaks in my nearly 5 years of blogging. And where I am is right here, in Austin, sitting at my kitchen table, not working, with my dogs at my feet, drinking a diet coke and eating a folded over peanut butter and honey sandwich with country radio playing in the background.

You see, this is stolen time. I am supposed to be on a plane home from Seattle right this very second, but I'm not because I made it by 1 second on to an evening flight home last night and landed at 1:00 this morning. And after billing 112.5 hours so far this month (that's billed, not worked, and I didn't bill anything last Saturday), I've decided I can give myself a morning of laundry, errands, blogging, and a pedicure. It feels delicious. I'm going in to work for less than two hours this afternoon to sign an affidavit and do a few other things for a motion we're filing tomorrow and then I'm picking up the kids super early and taking them to the pool.

Out of habit, I was about to write how much I missed them on my trip, but the truth is I was in Seattle for 34 hours and I billed 28 of them. I never left my hotel room, ate room service, walked the 1 block to opposing counsel's office for the deposition, and then hailed a cab from their front step to race to the airport when it was over. There wasn't time to miss them, and the surreal feeling of the whole one-night trip left me feeling like time wasn't actually passing, so there was nothing to miss. But I am extremely happy to be back to them early- it was a judgment call at 4 p.m. yesterday: race to the airport to get in after midnight and be exhausted today because I can't sleep on planes, or spend a leisurely afternoon and evening exploring Seattle and take my original flight which landed in Austin at 5:40 p.m. today. I think I would have enjoyed the afternoon and the on-the-client dinner by the water, but by nightfall I would have felt guilty that I wasn't on my way home and by then I really would have been missing the kids. There needs to be more flight options between AUS and SEA. Well, there just needs to be better flight options to/from AUS period. Travel is the only time I realize I live in a small city.

I've had a few realizations in my last few days of working and traveling so much. One, I love cities. Really, really love them. There was a moment when I stood on the 10th floor balcony at opposing counsel's office (complete with patio furniture, an outdoor kitchen, garden, and putting green; if we move to Seattle, I'm totally applying for a job there and the head of their litigation section already said he'd hire me at the depo, though it's possible he was kidding, I should have gotten it on the record), staring at the streets below and the water just 100 yards away- I decided, we have to move. Not today and not this year, but I have to live somewhere else. I loved living in Chicago for those 3 years, and while I do love Austin and will miss it, I'm not ready to be in Texas for the rest of my life. And not just because the soul-sucking heat is crushing my spirit (though it is), but because there is so much else to see and experience and I don't want to have lived in one state for 98% of my life. But with my family here, and JP and my jobs here, neither of which have any possibility of a transfer, there's nothing to make us go. I didn't talk about it here at the time, but JP made it to the 3rd round of his dream job with Boeing in Seattle back in March of this year. If he'd have gotten it, we would have moved, and a part of me was truly sad when the opportunity didn't work out, even as another part of me was relieved because I really do love Austin and we have a great life here.  My new goal is to search out opportunities over the next few years and not let complacency make decisions for me.

My other realization is that I like this, what I'm doing. I don't love the travel, but I don't hate it, and this is a highly unusual month for me. It's exciting to be in the case strategy meetings, the preparation, and the depos themselves. It's also hard and stressful as hell, but it's fun and I'm nowhere near ready to leave this yet. Being a mid-level associate has been much harder than I anticipated. I now know what I'm doing (for some stuff anyway) and that feels good, but the responsibility is much greater, and the client contact, while nice, adds another level of stress and need for constant availability. But I like it. My little family of two working parents has figured out a new rhythm, mostly by adding a new player- a very part-time nanny who picks the kids up from daycare early 3 afternoons a week and brings them home. JP and I still get home at the same time, and we all still eat dinner together and everything else, but I no longer worry about racing out the door at the exact last minute before daycare close and I no longer feel like the kids have too long a day there. On Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, they're home at 4:00 with Miss Natalie and when JP and I get home at 6 or 6:30, the dogs are fed, the daycare stuff is put away, and dinner is in the oven (a tray from the Casserole Queens, or one I made over the weekend). She started two weeks ago and I can barely describe the difference it's made- I'll try in another blog post, later. The point of this one is to say, everything is good. This month will end and I will have gained invaluable experience and client/partner exposure through it. My kids are wonderful- happy, healthy, safe, secure, and loved. I don't get enough sleep, I don't exercise, and I don't have any hobbies, but I have a job I enjoy that challenges and occasionally scares me and a husband who has the same and is the happier for it. I'll still have days where I'll worry about our schedule and where our careers are going (and whether we want them to go there), and days where I'll decide in that moment, this isn't worth it and I want more hours at home and Claire is getting too big too fast and I need to stop it -- I'll write about those days too.

But this morning I hugged my little ones as JP took them to daycare, looked around our home with bleary eyes, and just felt happy that we've built this, JP and me- this family and home and life. I'm proud of it, and that's where I am right now.