Every day this week I've come home from work to a spoiled, happy Landon who launches himself into my arms with a cry of Mama! Mama! He lets me snuggle him and is then walks me all around the house, never wanting to be more than a few feet away from me, but not willing to be held when he is so busy. I love that moment and look forward to it the whole drive home.
Also every day this week when Landon throws himself at me, my grandmother-in-law immediately remarks on how POOR Landon hasn't seen his mother ALL DAY and he missed me and loves me and Oh look at how he can't bear to be parted from you. I've choked back many a reply, including things like "I do it because someone has to pay the mortgage and your grandson's enormous grocery bills" or "Not everyone can marry a millionaire like you did." I hold back on variations of the former because they sound mean-spirited towards JP and I don't begrudge my current position as sole income earner; he put in his time with the investment bank so I could attend school full time and I'm happy to do the same for him, especially since this is also allowing him a chance to fulfill his life long entrepreneurial dreams. I refrain from the second because she has since lost all that money and it's something of a sore subject. I also try not to be a mean or cruel person which frequently leaves me smiling and nodding or staring blankly in another direction.
These daily exchanges have reminded me of something I can whole heartedly thank my mother-in-law for -- besides adoring my son and proclaiming him to be the smartest, handsomest, most perfect child ever born, she is completely supportive of the fact that I have a career. She has worked full-time since before she was married and it's just a non-issue for her, like it is for JP -- in their minds, of course I would work, why wouldn't I? It's a view I appreciate.
There is one thing that bothers my MIL about my job- my salary. Before we got married she sat JP down and told him that he better go get his MBA and he better get a good job because our marriage was doomed if I made more than him, after all, she would "never have married your father if he hadn't made more than me!" JP told me this later and we bothed laughed, thinking it an absurd statement to make, but then yesterday I was flipping through some magazine (Parents? Parenting? something like that) and in the "Coming Next Month" section there was an article promising to help marriages in which the woman made more than the man. I immediately showed it to JP, shocked to find his mother's words supported in some way. I've now mentioned it to two male colleagues and both admitted it would be odd if their wives made more then them- not a marital problem causing level of odd, but still something to get used to. I remain rather befuddled by the fact it would matter at all.
In other work news I'm now staffed on an exciting securities litigation matter. I just gave away a huge amount of my nerdiness in that sentence but I love securities law and the tangential Madoff connection in this case makes it all kinds of fun. I'm also dragging JP to a summer recruiting event tonight at a country club- there will be margaritas, a Mexican food buffet, and putting contests. JP always looks wary at the thought of a room full of lawyers, but he seems to enjoy being married to one so I'm sure he can handle it.
Fugs & Pieces, November 22, 2024
6 hours ago
I've heard that one too, although the version I hear more is that a marriage is much more difficult with two spouses in high powered positions (from mom, pointedly...). But I know that in my marriage, if either one of us didn't have a career that was satisfying and challenging, both of us would be unhappy. If you both really feel like partners, and both have career goals, then sometimes one person is just going to make more, and it's up to both spouses to be okay with that. I'm sure that there are some couples where this is an issue, but I really hope that starts to fade...
ReplyDeleteThat is bizarre. I remember when I was the big moneymaker at the TV station and Matt was in law school — good times.
ReplyDeleteYou are a saint for keeping your mouth shut while the MIL is around. I don't know if I could be that strong!
I think it's good that you don't say anything back to your GIL. If you just keep in mind how much the world has changed since she was born 92 years ago, I think it's easier to take/understand her comments.
ReplyDeleteWe are friends with a couple who have the woman-earning-more situation. She earns 6 or 7 times what he makes (at least, probably more) and it doesn't seem to bother them at all. The people it does seem to bother are his friends. They give him grief about it at every opportunity. I think it comes down to jealousy, though. Although I'm one of the wives who will never even come close to making more money than my husband, I'm sure he wishes we had that "problem."
ReplyDeleteGood job holding your tongue with your GIL. Sounds like she's the type who's more interested in provoking a reaction than anything else.
I do taxes, and out of the 250 plus returns I do, I can only think of two where the woman earns more than the man. That said, though, my own husband would be delighted if I earned more than he did (English major vs. Engineer, not likely, sigh). And my brother is a stay at home dad because when his wife got pregnant, she made more than he did and liked her job way more, so it was an easy decision.
ReplyDeleteI am 20 plus years older than you, and I am so happy that a woman can make more than her husband and it's no big deal today. For my contemporaries, it would be a big deal. And my mother is still bent out of shape that I want to work at all. Her mother never worked (for pay) a day in her life. We're evolving. I hope my daughters in law will work if it makes them happy, and if they do, I hope they will make very good money, and appreciate the women who led the way.
A lawyer friend of mine broke up with her longtime boyfriend over that very issue. Seems kind of stone-age, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteYou are building a lot of character this week!
This is a topic my DH and I have talked about many times, and he has no problem and wouldn't have no problem if I make more than him. I don't see the issue!
ReplyDeleteOne reason I come here is to read your posts about being okay with your working mom status. I can't escape the feeling that I'm doing something wrong, but I KNOW my daughter is so happy and well-taken-care-of. I think the problem is that I get jealous that I'm not the one doing the caring.
ReplyDeleteWhen my boyfriend was at a firm my salary was about 20,000 a year more than his, and now that he's a solo I'm bringing home all the bacon. I have no doubt he'll eventually make more since there's a pay cap on my position, but for now it's fine. His family really does not like it and make the same type of comments, but my mom has outearned my dad for the last 5 years or so and it's been no big deal.
ReplyDeleteI'm not working right now, so I don't make more or less than my husband. But just a thought--it may not be a problem if a woman makes more but both are, say, educated professionals; but I imagine these things can create tensions if the woman is an educated professional making a ton of money and the husband doesn't have a college degree and makes very little money. We can't deny that men in our society still feel the pressure to be the breadwinners EVEN IF their wives make money. Lag liv, I think your situation is unique because you're the sole breadwinner only temporarily because your husband is in school. Things have changed in society but not completely and for different people and places, things have changed in varying degrees. So, traditional stereotypes do still linger. I'm not commenting on whether that's a good or bad thing; just pointing that out.
ReplyDeleteAnon: I would agree with you that it makes less of a difference when both partners are educated professionals, but interestingly I've found that many of the husbands of my female co-workers are still pursuing degrees (having taken breaks and not finished college) or are stay-at-home dads. All seem quite happy and all are able to pursue their particular paths because of their wives salary. I'm close enough to two of them to know it creates very little, if any, marital strife. It's nice to see. All are fairly young so maybe it's a generational thing, more men are growing up fulling expecting women to make as much or more than them so it just isn't an issue.
ReplyDeleteMy situation is unique in the temporary nature of JP's lack of income, but I do think it will be a long time before he makes more than me (assuming I remain in BigLaw).
Someone else mentioned that it's the husband's friends who seem to care and comment, not the husband himself and I can totally see that. An ex-investment banking colleague of JP's once ribbed him for that and JP looked at him like he was crazy and said something like, "Dude, my wife's my ticket to early retirement, who wouldn't want that?!" He was kidding, kind of, but he definitely thought it was nuts that anyone would think he had a situation worthy of teasing!
Same Anon at 9:33 am. I wanted to make another comment related to one of your points. I heard this sentiment a lot in law school; people would tell me that whoever made more money would work and the other would stay at home. However, I don't want to enter into such an agrement with my husband, because if someone is going to stay at home, I want it to be me. In other words, while I expect him to be supportive of my career and help me out, I want him to always be 100% devoted to his career, because I want to retain the option of staying at home when my kids are young. I enjoyed breastfeeding and spending a lot of time with my first kid (I had her while in law school), and would like to do that with my others as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm the anonymous at 11:21. If I wasn't clear above, I was trying to say that I was the same anon at 9:33. I just reread my comment and realized that it may seem that I was responding to anon at 9:33.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing... I'm kind of the opposite. I wanted a husband who would not be 100% devoted to his career. I want him to have one if he wants, but one of the things I love most about JP is that he is as open to staying home with our children (or at least being the one there when they come home from school) as I am.
ReplyDeleteYea, I knew you'd find it interesting and that it was opposite of you, and that's why I wanted to present the opposite viewpoint :)
ReplyDeleteI love that my husband is secure with me earning more too...he's proud of me and what I accomplish with my job/career. Aren't we a team anyways?! Good look with the GIL...I get the same type of crap, though not as blunt. One of your commenters is right on by suggesting to look at all that's changed since she was born...the world is a different place now. It was also pointed out to me that when you get older and your own world becomes smaller and smaller, you inevitably become more concerned with others' lives...whether they like it or not.
ReplyDeleteAlso forgot to say...different industries have different pay levels, etc...so naturally some of the variance between wife and husband is due to the career path taken by each, not their worth or smarts.
ReplyDeleteIt's one of the breaks I think people (like me)in same-sex relationships get in the sense that there's no clear gendered expectations. But I think the feelings that go along with who earns the money/who makes the decisions about the money/everything around money are there whether it's considered a gender thing or not. A wife could have a hard time with the husband making more than her if she feels like it results in less financial autonomy for her; or the opposite could occur. It's so silly to me that people think there's a gender specificity to these issues.
ReplyDeleteI am a long time reader but seldom post. I am the breadwinner in our family. I make substantially more than my husband (about 5X his income). We have moved recently due to a promotion and my husband is now a SAHD. I have to admit it is hard on our relationship. I am jealous that he is home with our daughters all day while I am at work. I also find that I have to be careful of how I describe our situation to people we meet. My DH does not want to be called a SAHD. To his credit, he does still own a company in the city we lived in but the income from it is small. When describing our family to new friends he prefers to play up the fact that he owns that company.
ReplyDeleteIt is an unusual position to be in and I am hoping with time we will both become more comfortable in our roles. He is wonderful with our daughters and much more patient than I ever could be. I have told him, however, that when our daughters (ages 3 & 5) start school he is going back to work! I will still make more than he will but at least I will not be the sole provider anymore. I also think it will help his self esteem to be bringing in more income.
Interesting conversation you have started!
For many many years, I brought in more money than my husband. Was it ever an issue? NEVER! We are a team and still going strong 18 years later.
ReplyDeleteyou should definitely take a glance at the book "Pink Think" .. it talks about everything you are venting about now:)
ReplyDeleteps if you and JP dont have any probs with it, and if it works for ya both...then thats all that matters :)))
ReplyDeleteEvery day this week I've come home from work to a spoiled, happy Landon who launches himself into my arms with a cry of Mama! Mama! He lets me snuggle him and is then walks me all around the house, never wanting to be more than a few feet away from me, but not willing to be held when he is so busy.. thank you for shearing your post.
ReplyDelete