Sweet Dreams

[A post I wrote two days ago but didn't have time to edit and publish]

I just put Landon to bed. At 7:45 I sat cross-legged on the floor in his room and he snuggled into my lap to read a selection of books- his current favorites involve monkeys jumping on the bed, ten ducks "all ready to race", and three furry little monsters pointing out their body parts (including a "fuzzy tummy we all like to pat and a little belly button in the middle of that" - which always sparks a search for our belly buttons). At 7:55 I picked him up and sang "You Are My Sunshine" as he tucked his head into the space between my neck and shoulder, his hands each still gripping onto a book, dangling down by my side. I put him in his crib, waited for him to set down his books, and then waved bye bye as I backed out of the room. He stood up to wave, exclaimed "nigh nigh!", and blew big kisses at me with both hands- always making the kiss sound after throwing his hands out in front of him. At 8:00 I blew him one more kiss, received several more, and closed the door with a big smile on my face. Landon was wide awake but never made a peep, and when we checked on him later we found him stretched diagonally across the crib, surrounded by books, with his puppy under one arm.

It's hard to believe JP and I used to argue over who had to put Landon to bed- it was such a struggle for such a long time and now it's one of my favorite parts of our day. I love the way he whispers "nigh nigh" and then lays down, all warm and clean and sleepy and loved. I love coming back downstairs, feeling all warm and loved myself, to spend time with JP- whether it's working silently side-by-side (something I have dubbed "quality time by osmosis") or snuggling on the couch to watch TV.

It's at this time, when I come back downstairs, worn out and looking forward to time with JP, that I wonder how can we possibly have another baby. Right now things are so good- we work a lot but spend a lot of time together- time as a full family of three, time alone with Landon, and time with each other. We don't get enough sleep and our social life is a shadow of its former self, but it works and it works well. And Landon is such an utter delight that I don't want to split my time with anyone else, not even my own future child, and I know that most of the reason that JP and I can stay so tune with each other is because we are off-duty as mommy and daddy from 8pm - 6:30am every night.

But at the same time, as I close Landon's door, smiling and feeling borderline-sappy at his enthusiastic kiss blowing, I know to my very core that I want to experience this all again (and again). I know that we will find a new groove as an expanded family and I won't be able to imagine life without baby #2. I know I will discover an even deeper capacity for love, and happiness, and sleeplessness. I also know that despite any cravings I might have, I'm not ready yet- I feel too strong a need to soak up Landon for a while longer. It's just funny that the moments that make me unable to imagine having more children are the same that make me sure I will one day do just that.