Waving the White Flag

Battle lines were drawn today, and it wasn't between JP and I while watching the Democratic National Convention- though last night I did inform him that if he did not STOP TALKING and let me LISTEN TO BIDEN'S SPEECH I was going to leave him, immediately. The snide remarks subsided, I listened in peace, and then we argued about everything he'd been holding inside until he looked like he might burst from the strain of it all. The night ended with lots of cuddling, so that means so far we have yet to let this election affect our marriage, but we do have a few more months to go.

Anyway, battle lines. They have been drawn between me and Landon's molars because I cannot f*cking take it anymore. I don't think I've ever cried out of sheer frustration - exhaustion, fear, sadness, stress- sure, every now and then, but frustration? Not until today. Landon's molars have been giving us hell for a while - night awakenings, short-to-nonexistent naps, low fever, a reappearance of drool (buckets of drool), diarrhea, fussiness to a never before seen degree... and today it was all so much I nearly had a breakdown. We took him to the pediatrician just to make sure it wasn't an ear infection or anything else that could be cured by a prescription or minor surgery, but nope, it's "just teeth". We've tried tylenol, motrin, Hyland's teething tablets, frozen banana, popsicles, vibrating teething rings, and everything else short of illegal substances and nothing seems to make much of a difference. If he's actively engaged in some activity (like being chased around the livingroom, merely playing toys or listening to a book is too passive), then he will be his cute happy smiley self. But the minute the super engaged activity pauses, he's sobbing, fingers in the mouth, lying on the floor. The dogs don't know what to do. Tex is most distressed and paces around the room trying to figure out how he can help. Rosie will lay down next to him and lick his head. They both look at me like why are you not fixing this?! Landon looks at me the same way.

I feel terrible for him that he hurts. I feel even worse for how bad I want to jump out a window and just run far, far away from the screaming. Today I stuck him in the bathtub around noon (after he refused a morning nap by screaming for as long as I could stand letting him do it), dumped every single waterproof toy we own in there, and let him splash for over an hour. He was busy and happy and I got to stare blankly at the wall for a little while. When he decided bath time was over I called JP and ordered him home. I'm sure there are moms out there who can handle this kind of day without back-up but I cannot. We spent the rest of the day trading off 30-minute intervals of playing with and distracting Landon, until JP had to go to a business school meeting at 6.

And that's when it got really bad. We took another bath, but Landon started flipping out only a few minutes into it. We tried to read a book but he was kicking and arching so badly I couldn't hold him and the book at the same time. I tried to sing, I gave up, I put him in bed. Twenty minutes later, he was still screaming, so I trudged back up with little hope of making things much better, but determined to try. I held him as he squirmed and arched and kept singing our songs, and finally after about five minutes (which felt like an eternity, he weighs 25 lbs after all) he quieted, he snuggled into my neck, and I felt him relax. I kept singing, kept swaying, kept holding him in the Exact same position as if the slightest movement would set him off again (not an irrational fear), until my back ached and my arms started to shake. I gently laid him down, rubbed his back, and kept singing - and he started screaming again. I called JP, again, and ordered him home, again, and then put a crying Landon in the stroller and walked around the neighborhood for 45 minutes. It's a safe area so the darkness didn't bother me and the temperature dipped down into the upper 70's so it wasn't too hot. Landon was quiet and so was everything else. We pulled into the driveway at the same time as JP. Landon, now at 2 hours past his bed time, was very sleepy and went right down.

Most of today I've thought about the fact that next week I'll be in an office. A quiet, baby free office. That was the light at the end of this teething tunnel, and while it may be sad or weak or non-motherly, it's true. I know there will be times I am sad that I'm no longer home during the day Monday through Friday, but today would not have been one of them.