Fatigue

Yesterday was an off day for me and the Bar Exam. I didn't get to the office until nearly 11 and then I left at 2:30. I just didn't feel like studying. I read and re-read the same CMR Estate Administration pages, not absorbing anything, until I called JP to tell him I was coming home. He took the opportunity to go swim (unlike me, who hasn't done a real practice since I quit 7 years ago, JP still swims almost every day) while I sat at our kitchen table, staring at my outlines once again. I felt tired. I realized that since about February I have been in constant study mode. Spring quarter kicked off with four classes, two substantial papers, three finals, and a baby who screamed all night with persistent ear infections. When the ear tube surgery fixed one of those problems on April 1st, I had to throw myself into the researching and writing of those papers, and then the second those were turned in I was so behind in my classes I was panicked about exams coming up in 10 days. Then JP got really sick, we packed up our Chicago apartment, drove across the country, moved into a new house, went back to Chicago for graduation, and returned home with me behind in my Bar studying. I haven't sat on the couch without knowing I should be doing something else in so many months. I think I'm good about enjoying my life in spite of a looming deadline- about pressing pause and soaking up my time with my family and friends, but yesterday it felt like too much for too long; I couldn't see the great moments of last spring and this summer through the veil of constant pressure. I know I've made all these choices that have made my life difficult, and I'd make them again, but yesterday afternoon I needed to wallow in self pity while Landon took his nap. I made chocolate mousse, ate it out of the bowl topped with mini chocolate chips (the mini ones always seem so cheerful), and filled in my new planner. Ah, the joys of crisp new pages waiting to be filled in with a pretty pen.

I want this Exam to be over so badly, and yet, if I took it today I would probably fail. I haven't yet studied Secured Transactions, Commercial Paper, Consumer Law, Trusts, Oil and Gas, or Texas Property - all topics which have their own essay every year. The Bar is a rite of passage every lawyer has to take and I get that, I just wish there had been a little bit of time between the start of it and the end of law school. Graduating June 13th hurt when bar review classes began the third week of May- I'm just tired. Landon's molars are not helping. He woke up less than an hour into his nap, screaming the screams of an outraged, tired toddler who doesn't understand why his mouth hurts and no one is making it better. He was absolutely unresponsive to all my usual soothing techniques, Hyland's teething tablets, and Tylenol. I decided throwing him in the pool with daddy had the best chance of calming him down, so I placed my screaming, kicking, arching baby on the carpeted floor of my closet, put on my suit, threw all his stuff in a bag, wrestled him into the car seat, and took off for the local pool. He didn't stop screaming until he saw his dad splashing in the water. I stripped him down on the pool deck, put on his snazzy swim diaper and suit, and handed him off to JP while I found a spot for our stuff that was now strewn on the deck. We spent a very fun 45 minutes splashing, swimming, and watching Landon crawl back and forth across the baby pool. I've always found water soothing and apparently Landon does too. I took the rest of yesterday off, even snuggling on the couch with JP to watch a movie and eat more chocolate mousse.

Today I'm back at it and ready to push through to the end. One week from now I will be sitting in a room taking the Procedure and Evidence exam. I have exactly enough time to spend one day on each essay topic I haven't studied yet, and then half a day Monday to go back over the MBE topics before I drive to Houston that night. Hopefully that will be enough- I think it will be. And then I'll have the month of August to relax and enjoy my boys, our soon-to-be adopted dog(s), and our new house. Just seven more days...