Why Can't I Just Say "No"?

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and I've already been asked at least 20 times if I'm going to breastfeed. The fact that this is a standard pregnancy question is bizarre to me- that's a very personal decision that involves very personal factors and parts of my body. Why does anyone want to know or care about what my answer is? My unedited answer is "No, I don't want to breastfeed" but I've never actually said that. Usually I talk circles around the question- I mention my general desire not to, but then note all the pressure and propaganda that make me feel that I should, but then I counter that neither I, nor my siblings, nor JP, nor most kids born in the 80's, were breastfed and we all turned out quite well, but then... After 10 minutes of rambling I usually change the subject. Why do I do this? Most people asking are good friends who aren't going to judge me or a family member who will support my decision regardless of what it is. A Google search on "formula feeding newborn" will bring you to websites, articles, "studies", and chat rooms which equate your decision with child abuse. This infuriates me. Why is it that mothering is so open for public comment? There are women who can't breastfeed for physical or medical reasons. There are mothers who have to return to work right away because the government does not guarantee paid maternity leave, and those mothers are usually returning to jobs without a lactation room or private office where they can pump. There are babies who are adopted and premature babies who cannot suck properly and need the extra calories present in formula. This is a personal decision, one of many that a parent makes which has affects on their child.

I know there are a million studies concerning the superiority of breast milk, and I do believe that it has unique benefits, especially for the immune system. I'm not trying to debunk science, but I think the advantages are often overstated through the use of adjectives in articles that have no numbers. I think that any study which looks at kids 15 years later is flawed in too many ways to prove breastfed babies are intellectually or biologically superior. I found an interesting article that reads, "what's not so thoroughly reported is that some of the research has serious limitations. 'They're the type of studies that CNN loves to quote and doctors love to hate.' says Tom Jaksic, MD, a leading expert on neonatal nutrition at Harvard Medical School, referring to those linking breastfeeding and disease prevention. And like most research, while breastfeeding studies are significant, he explains, they're largely 'population-based,' meaning that babies who are nursed may have parents who are well nourished, well educated, and able to afford quality medical care. 'We try to correct for these things statistically, but we can't completely.' says Nancy Butte, Ph.D. of the Children's Nutrition Research Center at Baylor College of Medicine. Butte has been studying the chemical components of breast milk and formula for more than 20 years. Both she and Dr. Jaksic believe that if they could eliminate statistical variables, they would find that breastfed babies, taken as a group, are only slightly more resistant to illness than formula fed ones. 'It's hard to distinguish between a well-cared-for bottle-fed infant and one who's breast fed.' says Butte." So, once again, I absolutely agree that "breast is best" but I disagree with those who equate formula with malnutrition and a terrible mother.

I suppose my biggest irritation is how offensively judgmental some people are about breastfeeding- even those who haven't had children yet! I am annoyed at my own feelings of defensiveness when I try to explain that I don't want to breastfeed (I haven't decided what I will actually do, but I don't want to). I think this relates to my general anger at how judged women are in relation to procreating- that people feel free to make comments about a woman's weight gain, about her sip of wine, about her diet coke, about wanting an epidural during labor, about planning to use child care, about returning to work in general, and about so many other aspects of mothering. There are so many choices JP and I will make for our baby that will affect his intelligence, immune system, and temperament- formula v. breastfeeding is just one of them, yet I feel it is one of the most debated, judged, and inquired about.

I haven’t gone into my reasons for not wanting to breastfeed. Some of them are admittedly selfish- after 9 months of existing solely for the benefit of my son, I want my body to be mine again, others are based on convenience- I’m returning to school and want the nanny and JP to be able to feed the baby without my having to pump, and the core reason is that my absolute gut reaction to breastfeeding is really really not wanting to do it. I’ve always felt that way- I know its supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, but I am fundamentally uncomfortable with the very idea. I haven’t actually made a decision yet, I am willing to try and will be talking with my midwife more about this at my next visit. Last night I told JP that I wished I was having a baby in 1982 so that I could formula feed without being judged or yelled at (through the internet or in person) or that I had a “valid” physical reason that made breastfeeding impossible. I then realized the absurdity of wishing a physical condition on myself just to avoid feeling judged and defensive. So I decided to blog about it. You can comment with why breastfeeding is best and should be done despite all obstacles or comment with what you chose to do and why. I’ll delete anything overly negative as I read quite enough of that on other websites today.