New Makeup Update: It's Routine

My makeup routine has completely changed since my birthday makeover. I don't think I do a single thing the same, which can only be good, since I wasn't doing much of anything before. I took my list of products to Ulta and Sephora (and then back to both again) and read 1,000 reviews and purchased most of the things Amy used and changed up a few that she suggested I investigate on my own. I spent a lot of money, but it was my birthday present and I wanted to start fresh with a whole new makeup drawer, and many of the items, like the brushes, will last a very, very long time, and to my surprise (and joy), after nearly 3 months of daily use, even the products barely look dented.

from 0 brushes to many

At first all the steps were a little overwhelming and I didn't know enough to know if I could mix them up or skip any altogether. All I knew was that I loved Amy's final product and I didn't want to do anything that would make me look less than that. So I did all the things. I went from using 0 brushes to 10 and consulted my step list and pictures every morning for weeks. Now, I've got the steps. I've adapted my own order. I timed my full routine yesterday morning, from starting with a closed drawer and nothing out, to finished with everything put away, and without rushing it was 9 minutes, 46 seconds. I can probably shave another 90 seconds with more practice, but 10 minutes doesn't seem too bad.

work look

All the products now in my drawer

Here's my order, with my chosen products in parentheses:

Starting with eyes (they're the area you're most likely to mess up or play with color/technique, so it's easy to clean and start again without messing up whatever efforts you've put into the rest of your face if you do them first):

1. With a clean, moisturized, and now dry face, spread a light-colored cream shadow or eye shadow primer on your eyelids up to the brow bone using your cream shadow brush or a finger (Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Cream Shadow in Ballet Pink; Sephora Precision Cream Shadow brush #80).

2. Using small dashes and a sharpened pencil, apply a thin line of eye liner as close as possible to the lash line (Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil in Invasion (matte dark teal) or Roach (shinnery dark copper)).

3. Apply darker color of eyeshadow along lash line, directly on top of liner (Urban Decay shadow, usually Darkhorse, Gunmetal, or Smog with $1 ELF brush I love)

4. Without adding any additional shadow, use a short bristled brush to smudge the darker eye shadow up and into eye lid, angling up as you get to outside corner (Sephora Pro Smudge Brush #11)

5. Add all over eyeshadow color that coordinates with darker color (usually Half Baked, Naked, or Sin) and blend blend BLEND darker color into light and angle up in outer corners of eyes (ELF shadow brush and/or Sephora Pro Blending Brush #27)

6. Open eyes very wide and push black liquid eyeliner under lashline all the way across upper eyelid (Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner in Black Ink, with Sephora Pro Lash Fan Brush #34). This really makes the whites of your eyes pop. A literally eye-opening new technique for me that makes a big impact.

All the products, inside view

Face:

7. Foundation: wipe off any fallout from eyeshadow under eyes and apply foundation with light strokes moving out from center line (IT Cosmetics Your Skin But Better SPF 50 CC Cream in Light with IT Cosmetics Airbrush Blurring Foundation Brush #101). I love the IT CC Cream- half a pump on the back of my hand is enough for my whole face and I adore the brush. Sometimes I pet my face with it just because it feels so nice... which is probably really weird.

(Optional: dab on concealer under eyes, or anywhere else it's needed. I use IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Under Eye Corrector under my eyes, applied with my ring finger, and it is amazing and only takes a tiny tiny bit, but have found the foundation covers so well I can usually skip what used to be an essential step.)

8. Bronzer: using an angled blush brush, brush bronzer across the hairline at the forehead and down the sides of the face, under the cheek bones, under the chin, and along the sides of the nose (NARS Laguna with ELF angled brush).

9. Blush: using smaller brush, fill in blush on apple of check blending at an angle up and straight out towards ear (NARS Orgasm; with Bare Minerals Tapered Blush Brush)

10. Setting Powder: Optional, but if you tend to get oily, press on or brush on a translucent setting powder over the T zone and anywhere else. (IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Pores Silk HD Anti-Aging Micro-Powder with IT Cosmetics Airbrush Powder Wand Brush #108). I usually skip this, but it's a great thing to add if you're going back out at night and need to freshen up your look.

Tools

- pause to get dressed without smudging mascara on my clothes, then finish -

10. Brows: this was one of the highest impact new steps for me. Other than basic shaping, I'd never done anything with my brows, believing they were too blonde to bother. But no, taking 10 seconds to brush on some Gimme Brow gives them such impact and color, while still being very subtle and natural on my fair skin. It's my new favorite step and one I keep even in my super abbreviated weekend look. (Benefit Gimme Brow in Medium; Amy also highly recommend the Anastasia dipbrow pomade, but the skill level required to use it was higher than I felt I could handle.)

11. Eye lash curler: also a huge effect. I have tiny stubby (terrible) eye lashes and curling them makes them visible even before mascara! (Shu Uemura curler; you have to order it online, but it's amazing and worth every penny because it doesn't pinch your eyelids at all, something I discovered all other curlers do before just finally ordering this one).

12. Mascara: I am still looking for the magical mascara that will give me the long, lush lashes of my dreams, but until then, I just like a big fluffy brush and the promise of volume. (Currently using ELF Volume Plumping Mascara, which was $3 at Target and works better than most other mascaras I've tried; I also like They're Real by Benefit and Tarte's Lights Camera Flashes.)

And done! It sounds long, but it really isn't, and I frequently skip the black eyeliner and fancier eye shadow work, but each step is so quick and adds so much, I usually just do it all and I like the result. I don't think it looks overly done (unless I've just gotten used to it already and don't see it... but it doesn't feel heavy) and depending on the eye colors you pick, you can make it very simple or very dramatic. I've also found that with the new products I use, my makeup really does last all day. This is me at 6:30 p.m. tonight, 11 hours after putting everything on:

The lighting isn't awesome, but everything stayed pretty well in place and I don't think I look like I'm 11 hours into makeup and heels after going to bed too late and about to start dinner for a toddler who is yelling at me very loudly from the other side of the bathroom. Though admittedly the makeup isn't doing much for that last part.

Having never worn liquid foundation before I was worried it would feel thick or heavy or make my skin look fake, but I think it looks pretty natural and it doesn't feel like I'm wearing anything at all. I absolutely love it and every morning am amazed that a tiny dot of product (less than half the size of a dime; so little!) can do so much.

The other part of the routine is getting it off. The upside is wearing foundation forces me to wash my face each night, something I should be doing as a responsible grown-up person, but often skipped. I struggled initially to find a product that could get everything off- particularly the liquid eyeliner, something that still sticks around long after I've tried to remove it, but I've found a system that does the job and makes my face feel great. First, if I want the quick version I use a Neutrogena makeup removing wipe (Costco had an awesome sale on these; before that, I used the Target brand which also worked well, though honestly not as well as the Neutrogena and usually I think Target brands are awesome), then Cetaphil daily facial cleanser on my skin with warm water, and then the other side of the makeup wipe to get the extra that fell beneath my eyes after the soaping. Then I moisturize with whatever sample I'm using up that week (currently Benefit's Instant Comback Facial Serum, which I am LOVING, but that's at least 50% because of the bottle and Clinique's Moisture Surge which I also love).

 
My other method is to use Dermologica's PreCleanse, then Cetaphil, then moisturize. My skin feels better when I do this, but it involves splashing my face with water twice and sometimes that is simply asking too much. But I adore the PreCleanse product and highly recommend it. I'll also dab it on a cotton ball to use directly on the eyelid to remove anything particularly stubborn.

I really am pleased with my new knowledge, though I still have lots more practicing to do. I might make having Amy and my other friend over to drink wine and play with makeup a yearly tradition. Who knows what kind of magic I could create by the time I'm 40 with more training and detailed drunken note taking! Cat eyes! Waterline work! Wearing lipstick!

There's always more to learn, which is part of what has made this new foray into the world of makeup so fun. There are few rules and you can blend away almost any error. This was very uncomfortable for me at first as I would prefer a color by number palette to be superimposed over my face, but like experimenting with non-auto camera settings, I'm trying to give myself the space to experiment. You can always wash your face and start again.

Cookies and Kids

I really wish those two words started with the same letter, but it would hurt more to spell one wrong and it's too late in the day to think of a title other than one describing precisely what this post will be about.

Except first, the necklace from Fix #2! I really do love it. Just like I really do love that purple dolman top from the first fix. Which is why I have another box coming in a month. (That and your referral credits; thanks guys! It was like Christmas morning when one of those popped up in my email.)

No idea why this picture is so serious

My arm wasn't long enough to show the full ensemble that I built around The Necklace, but I paired it with a white button down (with rolled up sleeves, because it's cuter, and it was 90 degrees outside) tucked into my magic skinny jeans with a thin gold belt and tan flats (I know; a coworker literally did a double take when I was walking next to him and said, "wait? how tall are you?!"). I would never have picked out that necklace in a store and I couldn't stop petting it and gazing at it in reflective surfaces all day. Stitch Fix, I can't quit you now.

The other highlight of my day was wearing my necklace while eating piping hot Tiff's Treats cookies in my office. For those who've never experienced the joys of a Tiff's Treats snickerdoodle, it's a cookie bakery whose claim to fame (besides the deliciousness of their cookies) is that they deliver them to you straight from the oven while they're still warm. They started in Austin and just now opened one in Fort Worth down the street from my office. I ordered two dozen immediately and ate five before dinner. Then I taught barre twice in the next 12 hours, enabling me to have two more for breakfast the next day. I'm a little torn on whether having a Tiff's Treats nearby is actually a good thing.

After my Friday early a.m. barre class, I did my hair for the first time in a week (it's become a Friday tradition) and took the girls to school for the Mother's Day breakfast. Claire was SUPER excited.

Cora was not entirely sure who I was.

Claire gave me a painted wineglass with flowers glued in it (she cautioned me NOT to pour any wine inside; it's just to be pretty mom) and Cora gave me a card with a little thumbprint and a poem I'm pretty sure would make me cry if I were to actually read it. So I'm not.

Work was good and crazy as Fridays always weirdly are and then I got home with all the kiddos to find this on the kitchen table. Just when I'd finished off the last of the Tiff's Treats!

He knows all my favorite things, and it's always nice to switch your cookies to a new format.

Today dawned with me sound asleep while JP quietly took the big kids along with him to his summer pool's cleanup day. This is the day when JP and a ragtag team of lifeguards clean out an empty Olympic size pool and giant fenced yard that has not been touched or maintained in any way since they drained it and locked it up last September. It is a messy, overgrown, dirty disaster area and the whole day sounds terrible. JP somehow talked the big kids into going, so I woke up to an empty, silent house, and after my initial confusion, it made for a lovely lazy morning. Particularly since Cora slept in until 9:30. 9:30!!! That's 3 hours longer than normal. Girl partied hard this past week. I got to do hair and makeup and reading and the eating of another quarter of the cookie cake with my tea all before she awoke.

Then we went shoe shopping. It had been a while and I needed to work off the cake.

Cora had the BEST time at DSW. She was delighted by all the mirrors that were just her height and picked out all the sparkly, bejeweled, hooker shoes she could find in the bottom 3 rows of the clearance rack.

She was less impressed with TJ Maxx and tried to jump out of the cart at Trader Joe's, but we had fun. We also came home with two pairs of shoes, a beautiful blown glass vase I'm using as a pen holder for my new desk, and some very random food items that survived Cora's determination to eject all things from the cart, including her shoes and herself.

Later, after JP brought the big kids back home at lunch, Landon helped Cora climb the slide to hang out in their big kid fort. I'm not sure who was more excited about this.

Don't worry guys, I got this.

I kicked up my feet on a lawn chair, read a book, sipped an adult beverage, and occasionally snapped pictures of my trio. At one point, in the middle of endless rounds of sliding, Claire walked up to me and said, "Mommy, when I get bigger I am going to write a book for you and it will have all the words about how we have so much fun and we play and do so many things and I just love you so much. But I can't write all the words yet, so you have to wait until I'm big okay?" And then she kissed my forehead and raced back to the stairs to go down the slide with Landon and Cora again.

And as I sat in our muggy weather with an impending tornado warning, with dinner needing to be started and JP still absent, I felt nearly overwhelmed with gratitude for these three. I will absolutely soak up all the cards and treats (and champagne!) that JP and the kids send my way tomorrow, but honestly, I am just tremendously lucky to be their mother. They make it so easy and rewarding and so, so much fun.

Stitch Fix, part deaux

The wait is over and my second Stitch Fix* has arrived! My first fix was a bit of a mixed bag: seeing "maxi dresses don't look good on me" as a challenge rather than a "don't send me maxi dresses" directive; me picking the wrong size for my tops; the colors not being as bright and springy as I was hoping. But other than the maxi dress we won't speak of again, I did like each item, and I appreciated that the skirt fit as well as any skirt is ever going to fit me, that the tops were different and fitted at the waist in a way I hadn't tried before, and that it gave me the idea to match a fitted skirt with a fitted waist top. I ended up being able to exchange the dark purple dolman top for an XS and I really do love it- I think I've worn it more than any other top in the last month and have received many compliments on it. If I could have exchanged the chevron top for a smaller size, I probably would have kept it too. So while it wasn't an overwhelming success, I felt positively towards the concept and looked forward to updating my profile and providing detailed feedback and receiving something even better the next time around.

But then, no, it was not better.

It started out positive. Brighter colors! Stripes! No maxi dresses, skirts, or cardigans! A fun necklace I could already tell I liked!

And then I started picking up the tops.

PAPERMOON Bastille Tulip Sleeve Blouse ($38.00)

NO. First of all, I hate puffy shoulders, always, in any form. I never find it flattering and it gives me flashback to my broad shouldered swimming days. Second, it's too big. Even after specifically requesting extra smalls, and noting in my feedback that the only top I kept was because I was able to exchange it for an extra small, I got all smalls. All blousy, loose fitting smalls. I could be 8 months pregnant in this shirt which is not something I'm looking for in a shirt. The fabric is nice, and I actually love the color, but N-to-the-O on the sleeves and overly voluminous cut.

Going back.

(Please excuse my naked Hobbit feet; I didn't care enough about this shirt to put my beautiful navy heels back on.)

SKIES ARE BLUE Lenor Button-Down Pintuck Detail Tank ($48.00)

NO. Hate it very much, no buttons, unflattering, not even talking about it anymore.

Going back, with vehemence.

(I do like the color though; I don't want it to feel bad about itself; it just isn't the top for me.)

SKIES ARE BLUE Bales Herringbone Split Neck Tank ($48.00)

No. Not an allcaps no this time, but no. There's absolutely no shape to it. Cute colors and style, but as with all the others, it's the wrong size and completely figure-obscuring. What happened to my fitted-at-the-hips cute chevron top from last time? I told my stylist I loved that, and then I actually kept the other figure flattering top (after exchanging it for a smaller size, which I also noted to my stylist), so I don't quite understand this sharp turn into the land of "blousy and voluminous figure obscuring tops". For ALL of them! Why?

Going back.

GILLI Nikky Striped Faux Wrap Jersey Dress ($58.00)

This is the only item that looks like me. Mostly because I have two navy blue with white stripes dresses in my closet (and another one that's white with navy blue stripes). Unfortunately for this fix, the two I already have are more flattering and cost less than this one.

See:

($15 at TJ Maxx; it can be worn 3 ways)

For $58 this wouldn't be a keeper even if I didn't already own 2. I'm not a huge fan of v-necks and I don't like ties, plus it was also just a little big.

Going back, but with a good try handshake.

ROMOLO Zena Crystal Palm Collar Necklace ($38.00)

I like the necklace a lot, though not when paired with a single top I was given. Luckily I have a deep green top that will look fantastic with it already sitting in my closet, along with several others. I almost don't want to keep it just so I can send back the whole fix and make some sort of point, but I like it too much. Keeping it; probably wearing it tomorrow.

So this round didn't really work out. Better colors, and nothing I specifically asked them not to send, but way off on size and style and me-ness. I'm planning to request a new stylist and try one more time. Despite my strongly negative reaction to a few of these pieces, I do really love having a box of surprise items coming in the mail for me, making me try on stuff I never would have attempted at the store. And sometimes that's because I have strong feelings about tulip sleeves that aren't going to change, but next time it could be another dark purple dolman top making me try a style I come to love. And while the price points are higher than I usually spend, if you keep all five items you get a 25% discount on the whole box, making each item much more reasonable. (And if you have 2-3 items you like, you can still keep your whole fix, enjoy the discount making one of your items free, and sell your unwanted items on the Stitch Fix trade/buy/sell facebook page, something my friends have done with great success.)

So we shall see. My good friend at work just got an awesome box of stuff she loves and another one of my best friends from law school has an awesome closet of SF items, so my hope still springs eternal (or for another 30 days). I love that I have completely put the kibosh on weekend aimless clothes shopping and I enjoy indulging in my optimistic nature. (I investigate financial fraud, so I don't get to do that a lot at work.) Plus, I like taking pictures of clothes and getting opinions on them. Next time I'm hoping to have something I like enough to bother taking more than one half-hearted picture of each item. I haven't even apologized for the bad closet lighting yet!

~ ~ ~

Background: Stitch Fix is "the first fashion retailer to blend expert styling, proprietary technology and unique product to deliver a shopping experience that is truly personalized for you. Simply fill out the Stitch Fix Style Profile and our personal stylists will handpick a selection of five clothing items and accessories unique to your taste, budget and lifestyle. You can buy what you like and return the rest!" And that's exactly what I did- filled out a pretty detailed fashion survey, paid the $20 styling fee that will be credited toward any item(s) you keep, and had a box shipped to me for free with a return bag with free shipping label already attached. The website is very well done and I've found the process for returning and leaving feedback on items to be seamless and easy.

*Referral link. If you try Stitch Fix and use this link, I get a referral credit and it won't cost you a thing! I never advertise on here, but I figure why not get something for a referral if I happen to make one? Though as I wrote last time, hopefully I'll have far more enthusiastic posts that might actually lead to referrals in the future :).

We Need to Tether our Cora

We had a completely wonderful weekend. Our last one before JP's summer pool duties begin and without a single kids' birthday party to attend, we were able to enjoy each other and the perfect weather all day every day. The weekend kicked off with Claire's last soccer practice (yes!) ending early (yesser!) and us going out for dinner at a favorite nearby restaurant that has giant $5 margaritas till 6 on Fridays. Giant margaritas I never get to enjoy because soccer practice always goes later than that, but this Friday we sat down at 5:58 and I ordered one immediately.

It was everything I hoped it would be.

The kids' won their final soccer games on Saturday morning (yay! again) and Claire got her first trophy, which pleased her endlessly, and both kids requested we sign up for soccer in the fall. I'm trying to remind myself that sports are good, I can't insist that everyone stay home after work just because I like it that way, blah blah, etc. Look at this face. She needs another trophy. She's sleeping with it right now.

Also on Saturday, we went to our last children's play in the Casa Manana children's series! The grand finale was Wizard of Oz and it was so, so good. Fantastic actors, set, songs, and seats. We've so enjoyed the plays and look forward to getting season tickets again next year.

Then this morning, Claire decided she wanted to take the training wheels off her bike.

I liked her confidence, so though it seemed a little young, we went for it.

A few falls later she decided, "um, I think I'll try again when I'm five," which seemed reasonable since it's only 30 days away (what?!), so we said sure, let's try again. Cora also tried a new wheeled conveyance, becoming the third captain of the Spiderman big wheel. I adore how Landon just naturally assumes the father-figure role.

The boys went off on their run/bike ride (7 miles!) and we girls took a more reasonable stroll around the neighborhood. Weekend yard work began, so I took my cue to run to the grocery store and came back to this scene. Curious, I rolled down my car window before pulling up the driveway and Claire yelled, "Mom, we made Cora a play room under the ladder! Because this is our pirate castle ship. And she's our pirate baby. Because we're PIRATES!"

The pirate baby took a break from whatever a pirate baby does to help JP mow the lawn. Except she mowed the street because she WILL NOT stay out of it. The street is her favorite place and I spend 88% of our outdoor time just keeping her off it (or, mostly, picking her up off it and relocating her to the yard because she moves faster than the speed of light no matter how closely I'm watching her).

Landon found a frisbee, so JP had to take a break from mowing to throw it. Cora tried mowing actual grass. It was so lovely.

While Cora napped the 3-hour nap of an exhausted street-runner, I tried a new workout: the Lagree Method which uses megaformer machines that are like giant glide-y boats that work your muscles and core in new and awesome ways. I really enjoyed it, if nothing else because it made me realize that barre has really whipped me into shape; and not just barre shape, shape shape. It was a great workout, but doing that even a year ago would have had me falling off the machine in a mass of quivering muscles after thirty minutes. Instead, I hopped off an hour later with muscles that felt invigorated and pleasantly used.

After I got home from that bit of fun, the kids finished their yard work chores with JP and decided they needed a dip in the pool. Unfortunately the water was freezing, so the only person who actually got in was Cora when she fell while splashing Claire's snorkel on the top step. I screamed (it's involuntary; even if you are inches away and already leaning forward to grab her, you scream when your baby falls in a pool), JP hopped in to get her, and I turned to grab a towel to snuggle and comfort her, but was our sweet little baby upset by her sudden dunking (and sinking!) into the cold pool? No. Of course not. She just raced back over to the edge of the pool and started waving around the snorkel again. L & C are pretty adventurous and brave; I'm concerned that Cora is way past that.

We enjoyed dinner inside and then the weather was so beautiful we spent the last hour before bed in PJ's playing in the front yard. JP and the kids made up a new form of four-square ("sidewalk square" we're trademarking it) and I tried to get a picture of the kids playing it, but mostly my pics show Cora racing off to the street over and over and OVER again.

(And again.)

We closed out with some tumbling practice, which Cora find mildly intriguing enough to stay still for thirty seconds. Then she was in the street again.

Our mascot needs a leash. Remember when she used to just sit in one place and smile? That was fun.

Though, secretly I must admit, so is this.

Cheese

I taught a barre class tonight and am teaching again in 7.5 hours, so this will be short, but I would like to say thank you. Thank you for your responses on my last post and for giving me the space to say it. One of the hardest things about the last year and a half has been my inability to write about the thing that was hardest in my life. It was the right thing to do, as it was JP's story and not mine, but it made something already hard significantly harder for me. Thank you also for the generosity in your comments. Whenever I write something more emotional I get so afraid I'll be accused of being overly dramatic, because I secretly wonder if that's exactly what I'm doing, that it was validating and healing in and of itself to read "I'm sorry" and "this is sad." Mostly I was truly shocked at how hard and how huge the wave of mourning was that hit me at my friend's news that it simply had to spill out, and this is where those feelings spill out to. Thank you for giving them a safe place to land.

As a parting gift, I leave you with this photo of Cora, taken at a lovely al fresco dinner at Gloria's last night. She was eating the bean dip with a spoon (as we all wish we could do), so I took out my phone to snap a picture and she saw me and said "cheeeeeese"

Like an adorable, bald, drunken, and possibly lecherous pirate.

Love her. Love you guys too. Night night.

Done

I wrote the post below nearly a year ago, the night before I left for my sister's bridal shower. At the time it was something I needed to write, but was too raw to talk about or publish. Lately I've been feeling more at peace with the finality of the size of our family of five, so I planned to revisit the topic and edit my old post reflect the acceptance I thought I felt. And then today a friend posted she was pregnant with her fourth and it hit me like a ton of bricks- pure joy for her, punched-in-the-stomach spiraling downward feelings of mourning and sadness for me.

So apparently one year later and the rawness below is still where I'm at. I wonder when it won't be.

~ ~ ~ May 2014 ~ ~ ~

When I was in the hospital about to have Cora, I was asked about 50 times by 20 different people if my tubes were being tied with the c-section. "No." I kept saying, only to change it to "NO!(!!!)" when I was asked yet again minutes before heading to the OR. I understood why they asked- it was baby #3 and they were already cutting me open so why not tie some tubes while they're in there, but no, I felt strongly, VERY STRONGLY, that I was not ready to be physically unable to have another child. I was only 30 and 30 felt way too young to make a decision that permanent when it wasn't necessary. While JP was 99.99% sure we were done with Cora, I was only about 92% sure, and even if I was at 100%, you just don't know where life will take you. I normally don't make decisions based on unlikely worst-case scenarios, but what if something happened to one of the kids? or JP? What if we just woke up one day and didn't feel our family was complete? I have no idea what my life and thoughts will be for the next decade, but I know I would never want to regret the premature robbing of my ability to bear children. IUDs are effective and mindless and work great for me, so there was simply no reason to take future choices away from myself and I could not have felt more strongly about that.

Fast forward 5 months and I find out we can't have any more children after all. As a not fully understood side-effect (by me, anyway; the one freaking time I stay away from google) of a treatment JP's on for a thing I can't go in to, he is sterile. Completely and permanently. He told me this off-hand in April after one of his million doctor appointments and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Everything froze. I froze. I was... I don't even know. I immediately started crying. JP, alarmed at my reaction, cried out, "But we're done! Right?! It's okay, I told the doctor it's okay, we're done!".

But I wasn't.

I wasn't, I cried. I'm not. I'm not done. Not for sure, anyway. Nothing about a single moment I've had with Cora- not pregnancy, birth, recovery, infancy- in not one single moment have I felt closure, finality, or happiness at the thought of never doing this again. I have carefully packed away baby clothes, just in case. I have saved my maternity clothes in a bin in the garage, just in case. The moment Cora was born I pictured another little one 2.5 years later, completing the Landon + Claire and Cora + baby #4 buddy system I'd already created in my head. I joked about a fourth almost immediately, to the shock of JP who thought I'd lost my mind. And maybe I had and maybe we wouldn't have ever actually had another- we have a 3 bedroom house, we work, we hate minivans, we've already paid more to daycares than either of our college educations cost times two... but maybe we would have. Maybe. I love our big family. I love having a house full of young kids. I read the essays complaining about the tedium and awfulness of young children and I just think, that isn't true for me. Not that I don't understand it, I just don't feel that way and my kids don't behave that way and I LOVE this time in our lives. I love being the mom of our young growing family- watching the kids play together, going on family walks and bigger adventures, just living the day to day. We're busy and happy and may well have been done with the growing, but we're 31 and 32. We were supposed to have time to make a decision about the size of our family a few years down the road.

But now we don't. There's no decision. It's made and we didn't get to make it. Circumstance did and that sucks and there are so many other things about those circumstances that suck and this side effect that is in many ways irrelevant is just an extra punch in the gut. And I know that there are so many people who can't have children at all or can't have a much desired second or third and who knows if we even could have or would have had another, and we have three beautiful wonderful kids and we are so blessed and I know that. I do. But I spent about a month crying at random times and staring off into space because there is no possibility of me carrying another child of JP's and sometimes it hits me so hard I feel like I can't breathe.

I assumed that if we didn't have more children, it would be more of a non-decision; a realization at some point that we like where we are and we've moved on from the baby days so let's just go ahead and give away those baby clothes in the bins in the closet. Instead, I pack up Cora's 3 and 6 month clothes with the certainty that no baby of ours will wear them and I cry.

I wasn't done. But we are. And there are times when the finality of it just tears me apart.

Rainbows and Redecorating

So, remember 10 days ago when I broke my head? In the two days that followed Landon broke his fever (poor kid was super sick and could not wrap his brain around the fact he didn't feel well, it was all so new and mysterious and disappointing to him) and then my laptop broke itself. I've waited too long to write this post, so you are now spared the details of the 15 minute hurricane storm we had that blew a street sign past the car JP was driving home with the big kids in it, or the myriad of calls I had with Sony to fix my laptop while researching newer more expensive laptops (old/new laptop now fixed! many dollars saved!), or the obsessing I did over the fact that my new barre studio bosses wouldn't enter my classes into the system so no one knew they existed until two days before the first class and then I realized it was the wrong time and THEN I taught and people came and one of those persons had been signed up for the next class but then UN-REGISTERED the next morning and I immediately decided she hated me, obviously and I was slightly preoccupied with wondering why, but then my friend came to my class on Thursday and she said there was no wy she would have done another one 48 hours later because "goddamn girl, this is really hard." so maybe there's an explanation besides "I just don't like you." I slept for 80 minutes before my Friday early a.m. class, only in small part due to obsessing about attendance, but then I taught a great class and had a fantastic, super productive day, so now I think it's all going to work out. You should be SO GLAD you get to gloss over all of that. Oh teenage insecurities, they never go away, they just find new ways to fuck with you.

But look, a WonderBaby!

She's smaller, balder, and WAY more likely to create mischief than battle it, but she's pretty freaking wonderful all the same.

So a lot of other things have happened. We've started using the outdoors again and Cora has discovered she loves swings.

She needs you to put her in her swing and then she needs her sister to sit in the other swing and they need to swing together. Right now. Also, Landon needs to push her. Only Landon. Yes, right now.

She is tolerating that picture, but she mostly wants to know why no one is pushing her. As soon as I snapped it, she was pointing urgently at the other swing for Claire and staring at Landon expectantly. She may still have few words, but she is very clear about what she wants when she wants it.

Along with new barre classes, this week included Take Your Kids to Work Day! So I brought my kids.

Actually, JP brought them. I got in at the crack of dawn to actually get work done before they could come help. He brought Cora, who took 2 minutes to knock everything off my desk, delete multiple emails from my computer, attempt to jump out my 19th floor window, and climb up my bookcase. She was not allowed to stay.

The big kids were total assets to the Commission and they loved all the activities, particularly the walk through downtown (or "downtown," Fort Worth is adorable) to eat lunch with friends and the fire station tour that left everyone, including the attorneys, wanting to be firemen. The Cor-nado might get to participate next year.

stolen purse; stolen toothbrush; original grin

Maybe.

We also spent some time continuing to reorganize and redecorate the house. We (JP) hung up the dignitet wire curtain rods we bought a couple weeks ago so the kids could display their art work in their room.

And Landon got to put up his new animal pictures after asking me to take down his super hero posters. Iron Man has fallen to the mountain lion. For Landon anyway (RDJ forever!).

I used my local facebook buy/sell page to great advantage and found the perfect desk! After an unproductive trip to Ikea and MANY lost hours looking around online I just couldn't find the perfect thing for JP to have in the TV room (I'm kicking him and his messy work area out of my sun room) or for me to have in his place, particularly since I wanted to spend as few dollars as possible. But then someone listed her grandmother's rolltop desk and I fell in love AND I was the first person to see it! $175 and one car ride for JP later and I have this beautiful, old, memory and drawer-filled desk of my very own.

Isn't it beautiful?? I love the color; I love that it was the seller's grandmother's; I love that it is so substantive without having a huge footprint; I love that it rolls closed; and I LOVE that it is MINE.

JP has now been moved to the TV room where he can have stuff under and around and on top of the desk and no one will yell at him.

He's getting a whiteboard and I'm blowing up his two company logos and framing them so he will have something to look at, though he moves his laptop all over the house to work already, which is why I didn't feel bad taking his backyard view. His desk was never, ever going to be clean and I've accepted that by relocating him. Teamwork! (Or no? He did help me move the desk. Go team!) We also sold a bookcase, the glider, and the rug that used to be in the room. I have now MADE money by buying this desk. Seriously, everyone is winning.

And speaking of winning, I found the Clairest of dresses yesterday and Claire loves it so much I wish I'd bought two.

Bright, rainbow, maxi- I've already washed it twice so she can wear it "every day in a row."

Assuming Fort Worth doesn't get washed away in the giant tornado-warning storm that's lighting up the sky and pounding on my windows (the windows that are right next to my new desk!), I'm sure she'll be wearing it tomorrow. Have a great week!