Saying A Lot and Nothing At All

Like back in the NICU days, below is a reprinted email I just sent out to my family updating them on Landon. It says a lot and very little- basically we still have no idea what we are reacting to, so we have very little reaction at all.

In other news my first day of class went well and I wish that my life was uneventful enough to write a post solely about how proud I was that I raised my hand and correctly answered several question in M&A. And that the ratio of men to women in that class is about 10:1. I had thoughts about that. But I'm exhausted, and Landon's having surgery tomorrow, so here's the email:
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I've spoken with the pediatrician and had a few hours to do some google research, so here's what we know now and what the next steps will be.

His glucose levels are definitely high, and there is definitely something wrong with the way his body is processing glucose (or in his case, not processing it). The first thing his pediatrician stressed is that while the levels are high, and something is wrong, they are not at a "treatable level" at this point. So while we will pursue this, it is not classic diabetes, and does not require insulin, right now. She said that for a child of his age you'd be looking at levels in the high 100's before you'd put him or her on insulin injections (his result was 124). She will be referring us to a pediatric endocrinologist for further evaluation and testing.

The next test they would do is the glycated hemoglobin test or A1C. This test gives doctors a look at his glucose levels over the past 3 months, so it is frequently ordered for diabetics to see how their insulin/glucose management has been over a long range of time (the glucose test just looks at levels at that moment). She wants to wait to order it until she talks with the endocrinologist and sees what other tests s/he might want before our appointment because she doesn't want to have to stick Landon more than necessary (which is good, because like his mom, his veins are very hard to find and draw blood from). She did say that I could ask the surgeon tomorrow to do the blood draw while Landon is under general anesthesia for the ear tubes, so we might be able to get that test underway sooner.

One thing that was clear from our conversation is that she was not conveying a sense of urgency about the results. She said we do need to follow-up, but she actually suggested we wait until we get to Austin so that he doesn't have to change doctors in the middle of things. I asked for the referral now just because I know we won't stop thinking about it and we may luck out and get an appointment sooner than she thinks.

She also said that she really believes there is some underlying connection between all of his seemingly random medical issues - the broken ribs, the dermoid cyst, the reflux, the stomach issues, and now these high glucose levels and improperly functioning pancreas. She's going to run a few more medline searches and talk to other doctors while we wait to talk to the endocrinologist. We should hear from her by the end of the week about the other tests and the referral.

So that's that. We still don't really know what's going on, so we're still waiting to react to it. I asked if we should change or monitor his diet in any way and she said no. She did mention that if we see a glucose monitor on sale we could pick one up and start testing his glucose levels every other day or so, just to start making a chart to give to the endocrinologist when we see him. But that is not necessary- I think she just knew I was grasping for something to do NOW.

I will keep you posted about future news on this front and on how the surgery goes tomorrow for his ear tubes. Hopefully the tubes will end the nearly constant parade of ear infections and sleepless nights, and he won't be too furious when he is denied the bottle yet again. Sometime soon I hope to report significantly more boring parenting news. Luckily Landon is totally oblivious to the drama - he's plump and smiley and has recently learned to make big (BIG!) splashes in the tub and laughs in response to your laugh. Someone listening in on our apartment would probably think we're insane because [JP] and I will just start laughing in order to see Landon laugh, and then we all laugh together, about absolutely nothing, and Landon thinks it is SO fun. Other recent developments: talking more to himself, lunging for the kitty when she walks by, getting up in crawling position and trying really hard to move forward but always ending up going backwards, and standing when you prop him up against a piece of furniture. He may be a medical mystery, but he's a darn cute one, and he may have introduced immeasurable stress into our life, but he's added more than enough joy to make up for it.

Love,
[LL]

Reeling

Landon had his glucose fasting test this morning and his result was high. The nurse said the number should be between 60 and 110 and his result was 124. I also got the results from his random glucose test on Friday- a result of over 200 is indicative of diabetes and his was 230. The pediatrician wasn't in yet (the office let us in early since he's a baby who doesn't understand what "fasting" means), so she's going to call me later to discuss the results.

I don't know what to think right now. I just know that contrary to our hopes, the results this morning did not ease our minds or allow us to move on from this particular worry. My hands were shaking when I took Landon back out to the car. I didn't really think anything would come of this - in fact, we almost canceled the fasting test because he's been drinking normally and since we moved him up to the next size diaper he hasn't soaked through once. He just happened to seem thirsty, and just happened to be in small diapers, for the few days before his check-up, so I mentioned it to the pediatrician and she ordered the test since his finger was being pricked for the 9-month anemia and lead tests anyway. If the check-up had been this week I wouldn't have thought to say anything. And while I know it's wrong, and I know it's best to know something if it's there, part of me wishes I hadn't brought it up. Ignorance sounds nice right now.

Now I have to go sit through two hours of class without internet access when all I want to do is google "juvenile diabetes" and wait for my cell phone to ring.

Doing Anything But

Spring quarter begins tomorrow. I haven't done any reading for the first day- I haven't even chosen my classes for the first day. I haven't started that substantial paper- the one I was hoping to finish (ha!) or at least get well underway during the break. I also haven't started the paper for my independent research from fall quarter.

I have, however, reorganized and re-labeled all our files. I have filled in Landon's baby book. I have done four loads of laundry. I have discovered new dinner recipes and created a grocery list. I have purchased gifts for any and all weddings taking place in 2008. I have researched appliances and furniture for our new home. I have played and laughed and thoroughly enjoyed my time with Landon.

Unfortunately most of those things were not on my to-do list and are not going to make this upcoming quarter, with its four classes, two unfinished papers, and myriad of non-school related tasks any easier.

Reflection Distortion

I bought a bikini today. I'm still trying to decide if I will keep it. It survived my harsh personal appraisal in the dressing room mirror, so it must not look too bad. But based on past experience, I know that when I try it on again I will suddenly think it looks terrible and wonder why I bought it in the first place.

When I was scrutinizing my reflection at the store, I was trying to decide how skewed the image I saw in the mirror was. Based solely on the numbers, I know it can't be accurate. My weight is the lowest it's been since I was fifteen, 10 pounds less than the day I found out I was pregnant, before I gained 42 pounds in 36 weeks (yeah, can you imagine if he'd been full term?), and 5 pounds under the ideal for my height (though still within the healthy range). The number on my driver's license is now accurate, I never thought that would happen. And it's not just the numbers- my clothes are loose, my dressy jeans are not snug where they're supposed to be snug, and my wedding rings slide around my finger. So, based on the facts, I shouldn't be overly critical of what I see in the mirror, bikini-clad or no.

And yet, all I see is squishiness. I see at least 5 more pounds I'd love to lose. I picture a past version of me as looking better- even though I know that same me was just as dissatisfied, if not more so. Every time I've set a fitness and weight goal, and achieved it, I find myself looking at my reflection thinking, "how could I have thought this would it?" I was heavier in high school, I weigh about 25 pounds less now. If you had told the high school me what size jeans I'd be wearing now at 25, I would have been certain that future me would be so happy with herself. She'd be feel beautiful and confident and look for excuses to walk around in a two-piece. High school me would fail to realize that changing the numbers has almost nothing to do with changing the image you see in the mirror.

It's amazing how powerful the mind's image can be. I've watched close friends and family members battle eating disorders and they're something I'm wary of with my type-A personality and relentless search for personal flaws. I currently have a healthy relationship with food and most of the time I'm at peace with the mirror. Rationally, I know I must have looked okay in that bikini, and I'll probably keep it- especially after I show it to JP, a far more generous critic than I. But even with his affirmation, it's hard to look past the reflection I see in the mirror.

One More Thing

Landon had his "9 month" check-up this morning. He's really only 8.5 months, but his pediatrician is starting up a new clinic far away and we wanted him to be able to see her. His weight (20 lb. 12 oz.), height (29.5"), and head circumference (45 cm) are all good, and the needle pricking went well. He passed the anemia and lead blood tests and took his polio vaccine like a champ- he was too busy give sideways smiles to the nurse to even notice the prick.

The pediatrician was happy to see his rapidly healing surgical scar and happy to hear about the future ear tubes. Then I mentioned that Landon has seemed much more thirsty than usual and has been soaking through his diapers and clothes each night. She seemed concerned and ordered a glucose test. Which he failed. The nurses asked if he'd eaten in the last hour and he hadn't (it had been about 2.5 hours), so now they want to do a fasting glucose test on Monday at 8am. He's supposed to go 8 hours without eating- I'm sure that's going to go over really well.

I do not understand how one cute little package could have so many medical issues, all of which are ostensibly unrelated. Most of them haven't been that big of a deal (at least not in the long run) - the undescended testicle decided to join his friend on the right, the acid reflux was hell but we finally got medicine that helped and it resolved itself by 6 months like it was supposed to, the dermoid cyst was odd but was removed without complication, the ear infectionss have also been hell but aren't uncommon and the tubes should help-- but Type 1 diabetes? That's entirely different. It's permanent, chronic, and serious. It's not just another medical condition on the laundry list of things about Landon's first year that JP and I will never forget but which Landon, with his goldfish-like memory, will soon be blissfully unaware.

I'm not panicking yet, I'm just tired. Tired because he was up again at 4 AM. Tired because I'm pretty sure we could have another baby in two years who will sleep through the night while he still doesn't. Tired because I'm not even sure I want another baby, ever. Tired of doctors. Tired of Landon being in the small or rare group for everything. Tired and a bit overwhelmed with all I need to get done before I can graduate (like writing a 35 page substantial paper). Tired of not having the "easy baby" everyone else seems to have. Just tired and seriously thinking about crying in the law school green lounge.

Sigh... he sure is cute though.

The Specialist

Landon and I met his most recent pediatric specialist this morning, a very personable otolaryngologist (ENT). I briefly explained Landon's recurrent (really, persistent) ear infections for the past 2 months- how he'll be on a 10-day course of antibiotics and on Day 11 or 12 start screaming at night, only to be diagnosed with yet another infection and put on yet another antibiotic. She checked his ears, noted the perforated ear drum in the left, and the newly budding infection in the right (he was up most of last night, so much for our fantasies of being well rested), and immediately started talking PE tubes. I had already done my research and was ready to sign the consent form. The ear infections hurt him - they're very painful and keep him from eating, sleeping, and drinking properly, and the constant antibiotics are wrecking havoc on his little body. The infections aren't great for us either - I have never wanted to call my mom more at 3 AM just to cry than the night before we took him to the ER, after he screamed all night and JP and I got about an hour of sleep (if you add up the short moments of unconsciousness). Yes, taking action sounded like an excellent idea.

The doctor only operates on Tuesdays, and it normally takes a month to get on her surgical schedule, but she's going to try to fit him in this upcoming Tuesday. I wanted to hug her. Landon gave her a big smile. Of course this means he'll have to undergo general anesthesia and near starvation again, but hopefully the ear infections will come to an end. And given his pitiful little face looking up at me at 4:00 this morning when he was so tired but cried when I tried to lay him down, I think he'd agree it's worth a try. And after seeing a pediatric urologist, gastroenterologist, orthopedist, geneticist, plastic surgeon, and ENT, hopefully this will be the end of the parade of specialists.

Childcare, more complicated than you'd think

As you all know I recently spent 2.5 days in Austin buying a house, choosing a daycare, and wishing someone would cut a hole in my head and drain out whatever was threatening to explode in there. The house buying was accomplished in a quick and nearly painless manner. The cortisone shots greatly eased the pressure in my head. The childcare selection process was... complicated.

I have read articles about six-year waiting lists for Manhattan preschools, heard tales of children being interviewed and tested for toddler classes, the Wall Street Journal itself had a front page article revealing the dirty world of bribery and corruption lying behind the pristine facades of New York City preparatory preschools. I have rolled my eyes at all of them. "They're kids!" I say, "Practically babies, they need to play, eat sand, sing songs, and learn a few numbers and letters for Kindergarten. My siblings and I went to local church programs, ate play-dough and dirt on the weekends, and we turned out just fine. I'd never get wrapped up in an elite name or price point!"

And then I kind of did.

Infant and toddler care is a crazy world. Landon has been on the wait lists for two Austin day cares since August of 2007 - yes, back when he was 1 month old and wouldn't be starting anywhere in Austin for another 13 months. We put him on the UT childcare wait list the day after JP was accepted and were told the wait would be at least 18 months (and JP's program is only 24 months long). Our new neighborhood has its own child care center but we couldn't get on that list until we bought a house there; and once we did, we found out that he's 5th on the list for a full 12-kid class. Six toddlers would have to leave during the year for him to get a spot. And lastly, since we knew UT and the neighborhood centers were out for the immediate future, I found another center to tour which had a new toddler class in the Fall with one spot available. So, if you're keeping track, we have our names on 5 lists. We have spots available at 2. We don't know about 1. And we know we won't get into 2 for a while.

On our tours of the centers I was trying to soak everything in while thinking of marginally intelligent questions to ask. I have read articles on day care interviews but didn't find their lists helpful. What matters to me is that Landon is loved, is made to feel secure, and has fun - if he learns differential equations by age 2, that's just a bonus. At the centers the directors are talking about child psychology and teaching philosophies, and I didn't ask (either because I forgot or felt silly) what I really wanted to know: "will he get to play with play-dough? will he get to find out that the little orange centers of acorns don't taste nearly as good as they look? will he get to have a pet rollie pollie bug? will he get to play forts and pirate ship and restaurant and house? all at once? and most importantly, will you think he's one of the cutest kids in the world and love him and make sure the other kids are nice to him?" I know that student-teacher ratios, what food groups the snacks are in, and accreditation certificates are all very important, but on those issues all our potential day cares were about the same. And sure, I asked about outdoor time, games, snacks, and cost, but by the end of our whirlwind tours I could barely remember which place was which and I just didn't have a "feeling" about any of them.

JP and I went to lunch and tried to sort the places out. We both loved the FPD (fancy private daycare), but hesitated at the hefty price tag (it was $250 more per month, with extra fees, and was the only one that didn't provide lunch). JP asked if it was okay to talk about how expensive the center was, I mean it is our CHILD'S FUTURE we were discussing here, but I was pretty sure it was okay. Our child's future needs to involve a house and food and a savings account for his future mysterious medical ailments, so money seemed to be a valid factor. We both felt that the cheaper place (TCP) with new class seemed great too- very bright, lots of windows, big play ground, and video cameras so we can watch the little guy do whatever it is he does all day. But it was the cheapest and I didn't know any attorneys who used it - they all send their kids to the FPD. I started to worry I couldn't even tell them we chose the cheaper one, especially since most of them knew we had a spot at FPD. And we did think FPD was great, but we thought TCP was great too. And further complicating the decision were the different start dates at each, which meant different start dates for my job and pay checks, the fact that once we picked one we lost our spots at the others so we couldn't just change our minds if we didn't like it, worries about the 1 nap v. 2 nap schedule, and just not knowing what Landon would be like in 5 months and what classroom style would best fit him. And then my food came and head felt like it was going to explode (this was pre-cortisone shot, so it really did).

We went back and forth for days, requesting registration extensions from both centers (we rejected the center that wasn't sure about our wait list status as too dark and windowless). I kept changing my mind only to immediately make it up again. JP kept saying "okay" to anything I told him, which made me mad because I decided he wasn't taking it seriously. To which he replied, "both places are fine, you're taking it too seriously." To which I replied, "This is about our CHILD'S FUTURE, it is serious!". And then I realized I was being ridiculous and if I hadn't known that all the attorneys used the FPD I would have already confidently chosen TCP and been done with it. The kids seemed happy, the play ground was awesome, and the rooms were spacious and bright. The only thing holding me back was a feeling that we should be giving him THE BEST and the best suddenly meant the most expensive. And I have always known that is not true (and secretly mocked those who do not).

So Landon now has a daycare. It's near our house, it's reasonable ($950 a month, for those of you wondering what reasonable came to mean in all this), and while it's an important decision, it's not a permanent one. The people at FPD were nice enough to keep us on the waiting list so that if we change our minds, we're up for the next available spot. They also have a wonderful preschool that we may switch him over to at that time. We're also still waiting on UT and our neighborhood center (which was gorgeous). I feel really good about it. And I feel a little ridiculous for taking four hours to choose and bid on a house - our first house, the house we hope to spent 10+ years living in, the house that is taking all the money we spent three years carefully and painfully saving, but taking eight days to be okay with selecting a lovely, but less expensive daycare over the fancy, pricey one. This is the first time I nearly fell into the trap of choosing something just because it was the most expensive option, and I'm glad I didn't. Besides, I don't think the extra $250 makes the crayons taste any more delicious.

An Eerie Silence

Last night Landon went to bed at 7:30. He generally goes down between 8:30 and 9, but he was so fussy and obviously exhausted (Maya said he didn't take a good nap yesterday because he was so excited to see all his babies again), that I stuck him in his crib at 7:28 and was amazed to find him fast asleep two minutes later. Most baby books tell you to try putting your baby down earlier to get him to sleep in later, but this has never worked for us. I was sure he'd be up at 3 AM ready to party, but I had been trying to make dinner for over an hour and was just relieved to go finish what I'd started.

This morning I woke up at 7 AM to completely silence. I was about to roll over and go back to sleep when I realized that we hadn't heard a peep from Landon in 11.5 hours. Complete terror gripped me- I was certain that he was laying lifeless in his crib. It took me a few minutes to get up the courage to walk in his room but the second I opened the door, I heard his little sleeping sounds and felt the relief and joy wash over me. I nearly screamed in happiness- at 8.5 months old, Landon has FINALLY given himself and his exhausted parents a full night of restful sleep. I immediately woke up JP to inform him of the good news, and a few minutes later, at 7:30, we heard Landon happily babbling to his mobile. It may have been one of the best mornings of my life.

Post-Bunny Busyness

We have returned home to a snow dusted Chicago. It's a bit surreal to unpack swim suits and remember that just two days ago JP was out on a jet ski and Landon and I were in shorts and short-sleeves, feeling the grass beneath our barefoot toes. He finally got to wear some of the clothes I got back in May at his baby shower- including this fabulous UT jersey onesie. I believe "Hook 'Em" will be among his first words.

Overall the trip was very productive and great fun. One of the many reasons I am not completely depressed about leaving Chicago is how much I enjoy my family and how happy I am to soon be within driving distance of them. I can't wait to be able to throw a few bags in the back of the car and drive three hours for a weekend visit - much better than baby airplane logistics and the packing and re-packing of clothes, accessories, shopping trip purchases, and the gifts Landon accumulates wherever he goes. No matter how much space I try to leave in the suitcases, they are always stuffed to the point of bursting when we head home.

My family hadn't seen Landon since Thanksgiving, and the approximately one million photos I take each month just aren't a proper substitute for seeing the little man in person. He's changed so much! He didn't notice Molly, our loyal yellow lab, on the last trip, but this time he found the "big kitty" fascinating. Molly, being the wonderful dog that she is, endured his affections as best she could. But after about 15 minutes of his squealing, "petting," and trying to use her leg as a teether, she did look over at me like, "Excuse me, I'm about 110 in doggie years, and I've given you all the best of them. Can you please remove this mini human so that I can take my nap in peace? Thanks."

Easter is a big holiday in my family. We always attend both Good Friday and Easter Sunday services; it bookends a weekend that could be overshadowed by a giant bunny, and it's fitting to mourn the death before you celebrate the resurrection. Both services this year were beautiful. Landon spent all of Good Friday service in the cry room with my sister - he wasn't fussy, but he's recently discovered a range of very loud squeaking noises that just didn't seem appropriate for the solemn occasion. On Sunday, we all slept in (except for Landon and JP) and ended up going to the 11:00 service, which meant that for the first time ever we didn't do Easter baskets before church. When did we get so grown up that we didn't automatically wake up at the crack of down on a day that promised presents?

My dad (excuse me, the Easter Bunny) hides our baskets somewhere downstairs, and even though we've lived in the same house for 19 years, and he only uses three rooms, and the baskets are kind of big, it actually takes us a while to find them. This year he was distressed that I didn't have a basket, as Landon had "inherited" mine, but I assured him I was okay with the transition. And he needn't have worried, Mrs. Easter Bunny snuck in a few items for JP and I.

Landon was very dapper in his outfit and hat. Everyone is always amazed at his hat-wearing skills. I didn't know they were unique, but if you stick a hat on his head, he won't touch it. I think he knows how handsome it makes him look, and he enjoys the attention from the ladies.

The afternoon went by quickly with all toy playing, donut eating, and suitcase cramming. At the airport we were pleasantly surprised to find that the plane was less than half full (when is that last time that happened? 8 years ago?), so we got the entire bulkhead row to ourselves. As you can see, Landon was thrilled to have his own seat:

And it's a good thing he did because I have never seen him so active or chatty. We went through all our toys, bottles, and spare clothes (he spit up on JP and pooped through his diaper), but we made it okay. He slept near the end and my sinus pressure wasn't nearly as bad as the first flight. We got home around 10 PM and now that I've written a small novel, I suppose it's time to get to the unpacking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and other to-do list items that come with returning from a nine day vacation. Not to mention all the home-buying and daycare-picking related phone calls. And that small 35 page paper I have to research and write before May 19th so that I can graduate and pay for the house we are purchasing.

Happy late Easter to you all!

Our Boy

A year ago today we found out that I was growing a little boy. JP, who always insisted the baby was male, threw his hands up in victory in the ultrasound room.

Landon: March 21, 2007

Landon: March 21, 2008

What a difference a year makes!

Landon, when he noticed my parent's giant cat (you and I might think of her as a labrador retriever) for the first time.