Dallas to Doha to Cape Town!

Thank you everyone for such sweet comments on my post about Milo. It was such a hard day, and when we got home we had to finish packing and get in our Uber to the airport. Before we left I talked to the kids about how it's okay to feel two things at once - you can be super excited for our trip and that doesn't betray your sadness about Milo. And in the middle of enjoying our trip, it's also okay to have moments where you're really sad about Milo. We have room in our hearts and our brains for both. I didn't want them to feel guilty for being happy, and I didn't want the to feel like they had to hide moments they were thinking about our sweet boy.

Once we got to the airport, I revealed to James and the kids that I had upgraded us to the first class QSuites on our first (14 hour) Qatar Airways flight!! I received the offer to ugprade two days prior, for about 1/20th of the original cost to buy a first class ticket, and, inspired by my dad and how he loved surprising us with special treats when the budget allowed, I decided to go for it. This would be our longest flight ever, on our most anticipated trip ever, and neither James nor the kids had ever flown first class before, and I hadn't since my pilot-Uncle got us space-A seats on Delta for a trip to Hawaii to celebrate my sister's high school graduation in 2004.

It was awesome.

I'm so, so glad I went for it, even before I knew what an emotionally draining day we'd end up having before we left.

The kids and I had a "family quad" where you could put down the walls between our little "suites" and see each other and chat.

The food, which you could order on demand, was incredible. The wine list was amazing.

The lie-flat seats were so great that everyone slept for at least 7 hours and woke up refreshed and ready to order some a la carte breakfast.

I would say, "I'm not sure we can go back," except that, we were immediately back in coach for our 10 hour flight from Doha to Cape Town. It was... not as nice.

I'm super sad to think about our 8 hrs + 16 hrs flights home that will very much be in the back of the plane, but happy we got to experience that kind of luxury at least once! And glad it was on the way here. It really helped us arrive feeling pretty good.

The Doha airport was also awesome.

We there for 5 hours, from 9 pm to 2 am Doha-time. We mostly hung out at a big table in the food court, but we also walked through the botanic garden and along a hanging bridge covered in lights.

James and Landon went to the pool and did a swim practice.

Because that's what you do when you're crazy and it's midnight in Doha.

Our second flight was long, but not terrible. We landed in Cape Town at about 11 am and were met in our terminal by our guide. Customs was a breeze- apparently only 1 flight was landing that morning, and all 5 of our duffel bags made it back to us. (We never check luggage, so it makes me very nervous to be separated from my bag. But we have to have soft-sided duffels for the intra-Africa flights, so carrying those around the airport seemed un-fun and we checked them.)

We got to the hotel about 1 pm and our rooms were ready, which was great. We decided we could all do a short nap and then get up to walk the Victoria & Alfred waterfront to find dinner.

James and my room was decorated for our 20th anniversary which was so sweet.

The kids had a separate room (yet another big kid bonus) and we all went to sleep for 2 hours and met back in the hotel lobby at 4.

Mildly refreshed, we all walked to the waterfront which was lovely!

Beautiful views of Table Mountain and the water.

We ate at Karibu, which was delicious, and enjoyed the exchange rate from Rand to the US Dollar. (For example, my glass of excellent wine was 65 Rand which is $3.61.)

We walked back to the hotel after dinner and I think we were all asleep in our rooms by 8:30. We loved what little we got to see of Cape Town and were excited for the morning when we'd drive the whole cape!

Milo, the best boy, 2020-2025

I'm writing this in the foodcourt of the airport in Doha, Qatar. We left Dallas on Sunday (yesterday, I guess?) at 10:50 pm and flew for 14.5 hours and now it's 10:50 pm on Monday Doha-time and we leave at 2 a.m. for Cape Town where we will land 9.5 hours later which is apparently noon on Tuesday there. I'm so glad we're here and together and on this grand adventure.

But yesterday was very, very hard.

When I last wrote I was in the waiting room of the 24-hour veterinary ER. We'd spent the night before in a different emergency vet. Milo hadn't kept any food down since Thursday morning. The first vet felt there was likely a mass in his abdomen, but couldn't do the further testing needed to diagnose it. Normally we'd make an appointment on Monday with an internist or oncologist, but of course we were leaving the country Sunday night. They recommended a different ER that had an internist on staff, so that's where I spent much of Saturday.

They agreed there was definitely a large mass in his stomach, that he was in pain, and they should admit him overnight so he could get fluids and pain meds and then get the more thorough ultrasound with biopsy if needed on Sunday morning. I gave him lots of pets and went home thinking that maybe they could diagnose him and he'd be stable for our trip and then we could determine next steps when we came back. Or maybe he'd need surgery, but our pet sitter was willing and happy to pick him up when he could come home and even stay the night at our house to keep a close eye on him.

On Sunday morning, while trying to convince myself to do a quick workout before packing, I got a call from the internal medicine vet. His voice was sad. He said Milo was a beautiful, wonderful cat. That the mass in his abdomen was indeed in his stomach. That it was a tumor. that it was taking up nearly his entire stomach.

They were able to do a fine needle aspiration, and while he wasn't an oncologist, the doctor was confident in calling it large-cell lymphoma. he said Milo was very sick and in a lot of pain. He said with aggressive chemotherapy treatment we could maybe get a couple of weeks, maybe even two months, but no longer. And without treatment he would not survive the two weeks we were gone.

He was incredibly kind and professional. He gave options without judgment, but I think he agreed when I said we couldn't put Milo through chemotherapy just for a few extra weeks that weren't even guaranteed. It would require constant vet visits, which he hates and finds so stressful, and it would be scary and painful and ultimately, selfish.

I made an appointment to come by with the whole family for 2 pm when we could love on him and say goodbye. Then I broke down sobbing as Cora walked into our bedroom where I'd been on the phone.

Anyone who has said goodbye to a pet knows how exquisitely painful it is. We are so, so lucky to have them, and their lives are too short under the best of circumstances, but we only had Milo for 4 years. He was only 5 years old.

I'm comforted knowing that we absolutely adored him and that his foster mother before we adopted him adored him just as much. As I told the kids, through just constant tears, he doesn't know his life was too short. He doesn't know we're left behind. All he knows is that he was constantly surrounded by love and the softest of blankets. That he slept with one of his human siblings every single night. That he played with his brother Moose and never quite figured out the purpose of the white non-human/non-cat creature.

We packed and cried and ate lunch with the remains of whatever was in our fridge. Then we drove to the emergency vet. We were escorted straight to a private room where they brought us Milo.

We'd brought his favorite soft blanket and a Churu treat. He looked so sick.

The vet said he must have had the tumor for a long time, that he'd likely been sick for a long time, but cats hide it well until they simply can't. And now he couldn't.

He still snuggled with us. He purred as we gently pet him.

He licked his Churu with a hint of the exuberance he had mere days ago.

Everyone got some time with him. Everyone cried.

Everyone had a hand on him when we said goodbye and the doctor gave him the drugs to put him to sleep and then stop his heart.

It quite simply broke my heart to pet him that final time, when his body had gone still. To see my kids, tears streaming down all our faces, but I'm also so deeply grateful that we got to do that together. That we got to hurt and love and feel and say goodbye. That it all came to that sudden head literal hours before we were heading out of the country for 2 weeks.

It hurts. It hurts so much. But it helps to feel at peace with it. As I talked about with the kids- this is life, a life with love in it has pain too, and we're in control of so very little.

Cancer is deeply unfair and unpredictable, but we can't change the facts of what happened. I think we all felt peace with saying goodbye when we did-- that it was the right decision even if we'd been home for the next month. He so drastically changed in mere days- as if he was determined to live fully right up until he couldn't live at all.

The IV was the only reason he was awake and able to move around with us on Sunday. James and Landon had been gone for five days for a swim meet. We would all be gone in mere hours. And somehow he threaded that needle so we could all be together to say goodbye with all the love in our hearts.

He was simply the greatest cat.

Handsome, fluffy, curious, friendly, social, snuggly, and soft as the puffy clouds that touch rainbows.

He was the cat for people who didn't think they liked cats.

He ran when you called his name. He greeted everyone who visited at the door.

He bopped between all three of the kids' beds, but anytime I was sick or recovering from a surgery he was next to me every minute except when he was eating. He was my snuggly little shadow and I have one million selfies on my camera roll of him curled up on my lap no matter where I'm sitting or what I'm trying to do around him.

Nearly every time Landon came into my office to lounge and chat at night, he had a Milo attached to his person. Milo spent every summer morning snuggled in blankets with Cora while she watched her nature documentaries. He spent hours on Claire's lap at her desk in her room.

He was just the best.

We loved him so, so much. And will miss him just as intensely.

Farewell our sweet, handsome boy. We loved you with all our hearts, thank you for being one of the best parts of our lives for the last 4 years.

Sleep well.

Checking In

I'm at an emergency vet with Milo.

We've been struggling with him throwing up frequently for months, have been to our vet many times, had blood work done, and have been on anti-nausea meds. Those have helped substantially, but starting Thursday night he's thrown up every meal even with the medicine. I realized this last night, when he threw up his dinner, that that was 3 in a row, and now it was a Friday night and our vet was closed. James and Landon are out of town for a swim meet. I worked until midnight almost every night this past week and we leave for our 2-week-long bucket-list family-trip-of-a-lifetime to South Africa for tomorrow.

Of course.

I took him to a different emergency vet last night. They took x-rays, reviewed his last round of blood work, and did a quick ultrasound. He was so brave.

The vet thinks she saw a mass in his stomach. Her words said there were a couple different reasons one could be there. Her eyes and tone said it was probably the reason you immediately thought of. Cancer.

They couldn't do a biposy at that vet, so I took him home, where he snuggled with Claire all night, and now we're at a larger ER that has an internal medicine docter who can do a more thorough abdominal ultrasound and biopsy if needed. I don't know what to think or do. He isn't keeping anything down, even the tablespoon of wet food I gave him this morning, but he is otherwise happy and fluffy and perfect. He is the BEST cat. We leave tomorrow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I love my new job. Well, same job really, but new firm and people and stucture. I love it so, so much.

Everyone is so lovely. I was able to transfer all my active clients and am already on several new matters that weren't originated by me, which is SO nice. I'm busy. I feel happy and valued and like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. My associate who came over with me is equally happy and equally nonplussed at the depth and genuiness of our warm welcome.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Landon turned 18 ten days ago.

I will admit it's the first birthday I mentally struggled with a bit. 18? That feels so truly, officially next-level old. He's an adult. He can sign his own forms. He can vote. He can buy lottery tickets. He can be drafted. It's wild.

I know he still has his senior year at home, but the age really did make the "he's leaving the nest in a year" hit home. And I mean HIT.

He got home late one weekday night after an afternoon spent on the lake with some buddies on his team and he walked in our room while James was showing and I was reading and my first thought was "there's an intruder." How could there be another adult male in the house?

It's my blog so I'll just say it, he's literally the best. He is so smart, so funny, so kind, so chatty and fun. He is 110% himself. He made his three friends sometime during freshman year and has only reluctantly made more. He gets VERY into random things, and shares that love loudly and frequently with the rest of us. It was fishing a few weeks ago, and now he has a crew from his swim team who will fish with him at the lake by our house. It's also currently Pokemon cards, for reasons I can't understand, and he stayed overnight at a teammate's house in Frisco the other day so they could have a team poker night and then be at this one card shop at 5 a.m. to get some special release box. He adores the cats, loves his little cousins (and sisters) and is simply part of the heartbeat of our house.

He had his first job, lifeguarding at the YMCA, this summer and is enjoying his new swim team in Frisco. He looks up recipes on the weekends, buys his groceries, and meal preps his breakfasts and lunches every Sunday.

Any night I'm working late, he's usually stretched out in some manner on the couch in my office. Sometimes silently, usually quite chattily, filling me in on his day and random thoughts.

His birthday was lovely. We decorated his table (the girls felt strongly about the dinosaur theme) while he was at his early morning practice and he had pancakes for breakfast (his "dessert").

Maggie was on theme.

For dinner his much-deliberated food selection was: Kraft "shapes" mac and cheese, smoked turkey sausage, mixed frozen vegetables, and Red Lobster cheddar biscuits.

He was delighted by it all.

18. I've been a mom for 18 years. I've been blogging for nearly 19 years. It's the cliche of all cliches, but man, does time fly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The girls are great. Claire seems ready for sophomore year and Cora is ready for middle school. Unfortunately, Cora is still #1 on the waitlist for the public gifted and talented middle school, which is a strange place to be now that we're 2.5 weeks from school starting.

She has some sweet friends who still like to build forts and play and watch movies, though now they always seem to need to make cookie dough or do something in the kitchen when they gather.

I got a dress on The Real Real that has pink and orange giraffes all over it. I wore it on a date night with James last weekend. Like a little safari-preview.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had some of my favorite women over on Wednesday night this past week. It was the only night I didn't work until midnight, the boys were gone at their swim meet, and both Claire and Cora each had a friend over.

We sipped wine by the pool and snacked on gluten-free things and my one friend, whose kids are 2 and 4, couldn't get over my life with big kids.

Claire and her friend had walked about a mile to a nearby shopping center to buy dinner and get fro yo. Cora and her friend were making bean and cheese burritos in the kitchen (and cleaning it up, doing dishes, etc.). When Claire got home she was clutching a little big with a white chocolate mousse frozen yogurt with Reeses, my absolute favorite thing, because the person at TCBY had accidentally put Reese's on her cup instead of Reese's pieces and she piped up with "actually that's my mom's favorite" when they were about to throw it away. So they put it in a bag for her to carry home and somehow it survived the mile walk in July Texas heat and it was the sweetest. Also delicious (pic below from a different trip).

I do adore my big kids. (And husband, which is a whole separate thing, but this is a good picture of the two of them from a random dinner a week or so ago.)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And that's all I can think of while I sit in this waiting room with a Milo who wishes he was home as much as I do.